Part 15

_Col._ Madam, you do me a great deal of honour, and I'm sure you give me a great deal of pleasure.

Miss _Betty._ Come, dear Mama, away we go.

[_Exeunt all but ~Squire~, ~Martilla~, and Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Squire _Humph._ I did not think you would have gone.

[_To ~Martilla~._

_Mart._ O, I love a play dearly.

[_Exit._

Mrs. _Moth._ I wonder, Squire, that you wou'd not go to the play with 'em.

Squire _Humph._ What needed _Martilla_ have gone? they were enough without her.

Mrs. _Moth._ O, she was glad to go to divert herself; and besides, my Lady desired her to go with them.

Squire _Humph._ And so I am left alone.

Mrs. _Moth._ Why, wou'd you have car'd for her company?

Squire _Humph._ Rather than none.

Mrs. _Moth._ On my conscience he's ready to cry; this is matter to think of: but here comes Sir _Francis_.

[_Aside._

_Enter Sir ~Francis~._

How do you do, Sir? I'm afraid these late parliament hours won't agree with you.

Sir _Fran._ Indeed, I like them not, Mrs. _Motherly_; if they wou'd dine at twelve o'clock, as we do in the country, a man might be able to drink a reasonable bottle between that and supper-time.

Mrs. _Moth._ That wou'd be much better indeed, Sir _Francis_.

Sir _Fran._ But then when we consider that what we undergo, is in being busy for the good of our country,----O, the good of our country is above all things; what a noble and glorious thing it is, Mrs. _Motherly_, that _England_ can boast of five hundred zealous gentlemen, all in one room, all of one mind, upon a fair occasion, to go altogether by the ears for the good of their country!----_Humphry_, perhaps you'll be a senator in time, as your father is now; and when you are, remember your country; spare nothing for the good of your country! and when you come home, at the end of the sessions, you will find yourself so adored, that your country will come and dine with you every day in the week. O, here's my uncle _Richard_.

_Enter Uncle ~Richard~._

Mrs. _Moth._ I think, Sir, I had better get you a mouthful of something to stay your stomach 'till supper.

[_Exit._

Sir _Fran._ With all my heart, for I'm almost famish'd.

Squire _Humph._ And so shall I before my mother comes from the playhouse, so I'll go and get a butter'd toast.

[_Exit._

Sir _Fran._ Uncle, I hope you are well.

Unc. _Rich._ Nephew, if I had been sick I wou'd not have come abroad; I suppose you are well, for I sent this morning, and was inform'd you went out early; was it to make your court to some of the great men?

Sir _Fran._ Yes, uncle, I was advised to lose no time, so I went to one great man, whom I had never seen before.

Unc. _Rich._ And who had you got to introduce you?

Sir _Fran._ Nobody; I remember'd I had heard a wise man say, My son, be bold; so I introduced myself.

Unc. _Rich._ As how, I pray?

Sir _Fran._ Why thus, uncle; please your Lordship, says I, I am Sir _Francis Headpiece_ of _Headpiece-Hall_, and member of parliament for the ancient borough of _Gobble-Guiney_. Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord, tho' I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and I am very glad your borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; have you any service to command me? Those last words, uncle, gave me great encouragement: And tho' I know you have not any very great opinion of my parts, I believe you won't say I mist it now.

Unc. _Rich._ I hope I shall have no cause.

Sir _Fran._ My Lord, says I, I did not design to say any thing to your Lordship to-day about business; but since your Lordship is so kind and free, as to bid me speak if I have any service to command you, I will.

Unc. _Rich._ So.

Sir _Fran._ I have, says I, my Lord, a good estate, but it's a little out at elbows: and as I desire to serve my king as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept of a place at court.

Unc. _Rich._ This was bold indeed.

Sir _Fran._ I'cod, I shot him flying, uncle; another man would have been a month before he durst have open'd his mouth about a place. But you shall hear. Sir _Francis_, says my Lord, what sort of a place may you have turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not be choosers; but some place about a thousand a year, I believe, might do pretty weel to begin with. Sir _Francis_, says he, I shall be glad to serve you in any thing I can; and in saying these words he gave me a squeeze by the hand, as much as to say, I'll do your business. And so he turn'd to a Lord that was there, who look'd as if he came for a place too.

Unc. _Rich._ And so your fortune's made.

Sir _Fran._ Don't you think so, uncle?

Unc. _Rich._ Yes, for just so mine was made----twenty years ago. Sir _Fran._ Why, I never knew you had a place, uncle.

Unc. _Rich._ Nor I neither upon my faith, nephew: but you have been down at the house since you made your court, have not you?

Sir _Fran._ O yes; I would not neglect the house for ever so much.

Unc. _Rich._ And what might they have done there to-day, I pray?

Sir _Fran._ Why truly, uncle, I cannot well tell what they did. But I'll tell you what I did: I happen'd to make a little sort of a mistake.

Unc. _Rich._ How was that?

Sir _Fran._ Why you must know, uncle, they were all got into a sort of a hodge-podge argument for the good of the nation, which I did not well understand; however I was convinced, and so resolved to vote aright according to my conscience; but they made such a puzzling business on't, when they put the question, as they call it, that, I believe, I cry'd Ay, when I should have cry'd No; for a sort of a _Jacobite_ that sat next me, took me by the hand, and said, Sir, you are a man of honour, and a true _Englishman_, and I shou'd be glad to be better acquainted with you, and so he pull'd me along with the croud into the lobby with him, when I believe I should have staid where I was.

Unc. _Rich._ And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have clench'd it now. Ah, thou head of the _Headpieces_! [_Aside._] How now, what's the matter here?

_Enter Lady ~Headpiece~, &c. in disorder, some dirty, some lame, some bloody._

Sir _Fran._ Mercy on us! they are all kill'd.

Miss _Betty_. Not for a thousand pounds; but we have been all down in the dirt together.

Lady _Head._ We have had a sad piece of work on't, Sir _Francis_, overturn'd in the channel, as we were going to the playhouse.

Miss _Betty._ Over and over, papa; had it been coming from the playhouse, I shou'd not have car'd a farthing.

Sir _Fran._ But, child, you are hurt, your face is all bloody.

Miss _Betty._ O, Sir, my new gown is all dirty.

Lady _Head._ The new coach is all spoil'd.

Miss _Betty._ The glasses are all to bits.

Lady _Head._ _Roger_ has put out his arm.

Miss _Betty._ Would he had put out his neck, for making us lose the play.

Squire _Humph._ Poor _Martilla_ has scratch'd her little finger.

Lady _Head._ And here's the poor Colonel; nobody asks what he has done. I hope, Sir, you have got no harm?

_Col._ Only a little wounded with some pins I met with about your Ladyship.

Lady _Head._ I am sorry any thing about me should do you harm.

_Col._ If it does, Madam, you have that about you, if you please, will be my cure. I hope your Ladyship feels nothing amiss?

Lady _Head._ Nothing at all, tho' we did roll about together strangely.

_Col._ We did, indeed. I'm sure we roll'd so, that my poor hands were got once----I don't know where they were got. But her Ladyship I see will pass by slips.

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ It wou'd have been pity the colonel shou'd have receiv'd any damage in his services to the Ladies; he is the most complaisant man to e'm, uncle; always ready when they have occasion for him.

Unc. _Rich._ Then I believe, nephew, they'll never let him want business.

Sir _Fran._ O, but they shou'd not ride the free horse to death neither. Come, colonel, you'll stay and drink a bottle, and eat a little supper with us, after your misfortune?

_Col._ Sir, since I have been prevented from attending the ladies to the play, I shall be very proud to obey their commands here at home.

Sir _Fran._ A prodigious civil gentleman, uncle; and yet as bold as _Alexander_ upon occasion.

Unc. _Rich._ Upon a lady's occasion.

Sir _Fran._ Ha, ha, you're a wag, uncle; but I believe he'd storm any thing.

Unc. _Rich._ Then I believe your citadel may be in danger.

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ Uncle, won't you break your rule for once, and sup from home?

Unc. _Rich._ The company will excuse me, nephew, they'll be freer without me; so good night to them and you.

Lady _Head._ Good night to you, Sir, since you won't stay: Come, colonel.

Unc. _Rich._ Methinks this facetious colonel is got upon a pretty, familiar, easy foot already with the family of the _Headpieces_--hum.

[_Aside._ _Exit._

Sir _Fran._ Come, my Lady, let's all in, and pass the evening chearfully. And, d'ye hear, wife----a word in your ear----I have got a promise of a place in court, of a thousand a year, he, hem.

[_Exeunt._

+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I.

_Enter Lady ~Arabella~, as just up, walking pensively to her Toilet, follow'd by Trusty._

Lady _Ara._ Well, sure never woman had such luck--these devilish dice!----Sit up all night; lose all one's money, and then----how like a hag I look. [_Sits at her toilet, turning her purse inside out._] Not a guinea----worth less by a hundred pounds than I was by one o'clock this morning----and then----I was worth nothing----what is to be done, _Trusty_!

_Trus._ I wish I were wise enough to tell you, Madam; but if there comes in any good company to breakfast with your Ladyship, perhaps you may have a run of better fortune.

Lady _Ara._ But I han't a guinea to try my fortune----let me see----who was that impertinent man, that was so saucy last week about money, that I was forc'd to promise once more, he shou'd have what I ow'd him, this morning?

_Trus._ O, I remember, Madam; it was your old mercer _Short-yard_, that you turn'd off a year ago, because he would trust you no longer.

Lady _Ara._ That's true; and I think I bid the steward keep the thirty guineas out of some money he was paying me to stop his odious mouth.

_Trus._ Your Ladyship did so.

Lady _Ara._ Pr'ythee, _Trusty_, run and see whether the wretch has got the money yet; if not, tell the steward, I have occasion for it myself; run quickly.

[_~Trusty~ runs to the door_.

_Trus._ Ah, Madam, he's just paying it away now, in the hall.

Lady _Ara._ Stop him! quick, quick, dear _Trusty_.

_Trus._ Hem, hem, Mr. _Money-bag_, a word with you quickly.

_Mon._ [_Within._] I'll come presently.

_Trus._ Presently won't do, you must come this moment.

_Mon._ I'm but just paying a little money.

_Trus._ Cods my life, paying money, is the man distracted? Come here, I tell you, to my Lady this moment, quick.

[_~Money-bag~ comes to the door with a purse in's hand._

My Lady says you must not pay the money to-day, there's a mistake in the account, which she must examine; and she's afraid too there was a false guinea or two left in the purse, which might disgrace her. [_Twitches the purse from him._] But she's too busy to look for 'em just now, so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-'em come another time. There they are, Madam. [_Gives her the money._] The poor things were so near gone, they made me tremble; I fancy your Ladyship will give me one of those false guineas for good luck. [_Takes a guinea._] Thank you, Madam.

Lady _Ara._ Why, I did not bid you take it.

_Trus._ No, but your Ladyship look'd as if you were just going to bid me; so I took it to save your Ladyship the trouble of speaking.

Lady _Ara._ Well, for once----but hark----I think I hear the man making a noise yonder.

_Trus._ Nay, I don't expect he'll go out of the house quietly. I'll listen.

[_Goes to the door._

Lady _Ara._ Do.

_Trus._ He's in a bitter passion with poor _Money-bag_; I believe he'll beat him----Lord, how he swears!

Lady _Ara._ And a sober citizen too! that's a shame.

_Trus._ He says he will speak with you, Madam, tho' the devil held your door----Lord! he's coming hither full drive, but I'll lock him out.

Lady _Ara._ No matter, let him come; I'll reason with him.

_Trus._ But he's a saucy fellow for all that.

_Enter ~Short-yard~._

What wou'd you have, Sir?

_Short._ I wou'd have my due, Mistress.

_Trus._ That wou'd be----to be well cudgel'd, Master, for coming so familiarly, where you shou'd not come.

Lady _Ara._ Do you think you do well, Sir, to intrude into my dressing-room?

_Short._ Madam, I sold my goods to you in your dressing room, I don't know why I mayn't ask for my money there.

Lady _Ara._ You are very short, Sir.

_Short._ Your Ladyship won't complain of my patience being so?

Lady _Ara._ I complain of nothing that ought not to be complained of; but I hate ill manners.

_Short._ So do I, Madam,--but this is the seventeenth time I have been ordered to come with good-manners for my money, to no purpose.

Lady _Ara._ Your money, man! Is that the matter? Why it has lain in the steward's hands this week for you.

_Short._ Madam, you yourself appointed me to come this very morning for it.

Lady _Ara._ But why did you come so late then?

_Short._ So late! I came soon enough, I thought.

Lady _Ara._ That thinking wrong, makes us liable to a world of disappointments: If you had thought of coming one minute sooner, you had had your money.

_Short._ Gad bless me, Madam, I had the money as I thought, I'm sure it was telling out, and I was writing a receipt for't.

_Trus._ Why there you thought wrong again, Master.

Lady _Ara._ Yes, for you shou'd never think of writing a receipt till the money is in your pocket.

_Short._ Why, I did think 'twas in my pocket.

_Trus._ Look you, thinking again. Indeed, Mr. _Short-yard_, you make so many blunders, 'tis impossible but you must suffer by it, in your way of trade. I'm sorry for you, and you'll be undone.

_Short._ And well I may, when I sell my goods to people that won't pay me for 'em, till the interest of my money eats out all my profit: I sold them so cheap, because I thought I shou'd be paid the next day.

_Trus._ Why, there again! there's another of your thoughts; paid the next day, and you han't been paid this twelvemonth you see.

_Short._ Oons, I han't been paid at all, Mistress.

Lady _Ara._ Well, tradesmen are strange unreasonable creatures, refuse to sell people any more things, and then quarrel with 'em because they don't pay for those they have had already. Now what can you say to that, Mr. _Short-yard_?

_Short._ Say! Why--'Sdeath, Madam, I don't know what you talk of, I don't understand your argument.

Lady _Ara._ Why, what do you understand, man?

_Short._ Why, I understand that I have had above a hundred pounds due to me a year ago; that I came, by appointment, just now to receive it: that it proved at last to be but thirty instead of a hundred and ten; and that while the steward was telling even that out, and I was writing the receipt, comes Mrs. _Pop_ here, and the money was gone. But I'll be banter'd no longer if there's law in _England_. Say no more, _Short-yard_.

[_Exit._

_Trus._ What a passion the poor devil's in!

Lady _Ara._ Why truly one can't deny but he has some present cause to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has things of greater consequence on foot, one can't trouble one's self about making such creatures easy; so call for breakfast, _Trusty_, and set the hazard-table ready; if there comes no company I'll play a little by myself.

_Enter Lord ~Loverule~._

Lord _Love._ Pray what offence, Madam, have you given to a man I met with just as I came in?

Lady _Ara._ People who are apt to take offence, do it for small matters, you know.

Lord _Love._ I shall be glad to find this so; but he says you have owed him above a hundred pounds this twelvemonth; that he has been here forty times by appointment for it, to no purpose; and that coming here this morning upon positive assurance from yourself, he was trick'd out of the money, while he was writing a receipt for it, and sent away without a farthing.

Lady _Ara._ Lord, how these shopkeepers will lye!

Lord _Love._ What then is the business? for some ground the man must have to be in such a passion.

Lady _Ara._ I believe you'll rather wonder to see me so calm, when I tell you he had the insolence to intrude into my very dressing-room here, with a story without a head or tail; you know, _Trusty_, we cou'd not understand one word he said, but when he swore----Good Lord! how the wretch did swear!

_Trus._ I never heard the like for my part.

Lord _Love._ And all this for nothing?

Lady _Ara._ So it proved, my Lord, for he got nothing by it.

Lord _Love._ His swearing I suppose was for his money, Madam. Who can blame him?

Lady _Ara._ If he swore for money he should be put in the pillory.

Lord _Love._ Madam, I won't be banter'd, nor sued by this man for your extravagancies: do you owe him the money or not?

Lady _Ara._ He says I do, but such fellows will say any thing.

Lord _Love._ Provoking! [_Aside._] Did not I desire an account from you of all your debts, but six months since, and give you money to clear them?

Lady _Ara._ My Lord, you can't imagine how accounts make my head ake.

Lord _Love._ That won't do. The steward gave you two hundred pounds besides, but last week; where's that?

Lady _Ara._ Gone!

Lord _Love._ Gone! where?

Lady _Ara._ Half the town over, I believe, by this time.

Lord _Love._ Madam, Madam, this can be endured no longer, and before a month passes expect to find me--

Lady _Ara._ Hist, my Lord, here's company.

_Enter Captain ~Toupee~._

Captain _Toupee_, your servant: What, nobody with you? do you come quite alone?

_Capt._ 'Slife, I thought to find company enough here. My Lord, your servant. What a deuce, you look as if you had been up all night. I'm sure I was in bed but three hours; I wou'd you'd give me some coffee.

Lady _Ara._ Some coffee there; tea too, and chocolate.

_Capt._ [_Singing a minuet and dancing._] Well, what a strange fellow am I to be thus brisk, after losing all my money last night----but upon my soul you look sadly.

Lady _Ara._ No matter for that, if you'll let me win a little of your money this morning.

_Capt._ What with that face? Go, go wash it, go wash it, and put on some handsome things; you look'd a good likely woman last night; I would not much have cared if you had run five hundred pounds in my debt; but if I play with you this morning, I'gad I'd advise you to win; for I won't take your personal security at present for a guinea.

Lord _Love._ To what a nauseous freedom do women of quality of late admit these trifling fops! and there's a morning exercise will give 'em claim to greater freedoms still. [_Points to the hazard-table._] Some course must be taken.

[_Exit._

_Capt._ What, is my Lord gone? he look'd methought as if he did not delight much in my company. Well, peace and plenty attend him for your Ladyship's sake, and those----who have now and then the honour to win a hundred pounds of you.

[_Goes to the table singing, and throws._

Lady _Ara._ [_Twitching the box from him._] What, do you intend to win all the money upon the table----Seven's the main--Set me a million, _Toupee_.

_Capt._ I set you two, my queen--Six to seven.

_Lady Ara._ Six----the world's my own.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha!

Lady _Ara._ O that my Lord had spirit enough about him to let me play for a thousand pound a-night----But here comes country company----

_Enter Lady ~Headpiece~, Miss ~Betty~, Mrs. ~Motherly~, and Colonel ~Courtly~._

Your servant, Madam, good-morrow to you.

Lady _Head._ And to you, Madam. We are come to breakfast with you. Lord, are you got to those pretty things already?

[_Points to the dice._

Lady _Ara._ You see we are not such idle folks in town as you country ladies take us to be; we are no sooner out of our beds, but we are at our work.

Miss _Betty._ Will dear Lady Arabella give us leave, mother, to do a stitch or two with her?

[_Takes the box and throws._

_Capt._ The pretty lively thing!

Lady _Ara._ With all her heart; what says her mama?

Lady _Head._ She says she don't love to sit with her hands before her, when other people's are employed.

_Capt._ And this is the prettiest little sociable work, men and women can all do together at it.

Lady _Head._ Colonel, you are one with us, are you not?

Lady _Ara._ O, I'll answer for him, he'll be out at nothing.

_Capt._ In a facetious way; he is the politest person; he will lose his money to the ladies so civilly, and will win theirs with so much good breeding; and he will be so modest to 'em before company, and so impudent to 'em in a dark corner. Ha! colonel!

Lady _Head._ So I found him, I'm sure, last night----Mercy on me, an ounce of virtue less than I had, and Sir _Francis_ had been undone.

_Capt._ Colonel, I smoke you.

_Col._ And a fine character you give the ladies of me, to help me.

_Capt._ I give 'em just the character of you they like, modest and brave. Come, ladies, to business; look to your money, every woman her hand upon her purse.

Miss _Betty._ Here's mine, captain.

_Capt._ O the little soft velvet one--and it's as full--Come, Lady Blowse, rattle your dice and away with 'em.

Lady _Ara._ Six----at all----five to six----Five----Eight----at all again----Nine to eight----Nine----

_Enter Sir ~Francis~, and stands gazing at 'em._

Seven's the main----at all for ever.

[_Throws out._

Miss _Betty._ Now, mama, let's see what you can do.

[_Lady ~Headpiece~ takes the box._

Lady _Head._ Well, I'll warrant you, daughter----

Miss _Betty._ If you do, I'll follow a good example.

Lady _Head._ Eight's the main----don't spare me, gentlemen, I fear you not----have at you all----seven to eight----seven.

_Capt._ Eight, Lady, eight----Five pounds if you please.

Lady _Ara._ Three, kinswoman.

_Col._ Two, Madam.

Miss _Betty._ And one for Miss, Mama----and now let's see what I can do. [_Aside._] If I should win enough this morning to buy me another new gown--O bless me! there they go----seven----come, captain, set me boldly, I want to be at a handful.

_Capt._ There's two for you, miss.

Miss _Betty._ I'll at 'em, tho' I die for't.

Sir _Fran._ Ah, my poor child, take care.

[_Runs to stop the throw._

Miss _Betty._ There.

_Capt._ Out--twenty pound], young lady.

Sir _Fran._ False dice, Sir.

_Capt._ False dice, Sir? I scorn your words----twenty pounds, Madam.

Miss _Betty._ Undone, undone!

Sir _Fran._ She shan't pay you a farthing, Sir; I won't have miss cheated.

_Capt._ Cheated, Sir?

Lady _Head._ What do you mean, Sir _Francis_, to disturb the company, and abuse the gentleman thus?

Sir _Fran._ I mean to be in a passion.

Lady _Head._ And why will you be in a passion, Sir _Francis_?

Sir _Fran._ Because I came here to breakfast with my Lady there, before I went down to the house, expecting to find my family set round a civil table with her, upon some plumb-cake, hot rolls, and a cup of strong beer; instead of which, I find these good women staying their stomachs with a box and dice, and that man there, with a strange perriwig, making a good hearty meal upon my wife and daughter.----

_Cætera desunt._

THE

=Provok'd Husband=;

OR, A

=Journey= to =London=.

A

COMEDY.

Written by

Sir =John Vanbrugh=, and Mr. =Cibber=.

----_Vivit Tanquam Vicina Mariti_. Juv. Sat. VI.

TO THE

QUEEN.

_May it please your Majesty_,

The _English_ =Theatre= throws itself with this Play, at Your MAJESTY's Feet, for Favour and Support.

As their Public Diversions are a strong Indication of the Genius of a People; the following Scenes are an Attempt to Establish such as are fit to entertain the Minds of a sensible Nation; and to wipe off that Aspersion of Barbarity, which the _Virtuosi_ among our Neighbours have sometimes thrown upon our Taste.