Part 12

_Col._ But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came yelping after their companion, as I suppose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as many as came by, shu, says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there they are as safe as in a pawnd----ha, ha,----but I can but think what a power of pasties we shall have at our house, ha, ha.

[_Exit ~Colin~._

Mr. _Barn._ I see Providence takes some care of me: this cou'd never have happened in a better time.

+SCENE+ III.

_Enter ~Cook~._

_Cook._ Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you mean? is it by your orders that all those dogs were let into the garden?

Mr. _Barn._ How!

_Cook._ I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up the lettice and cabbage by the root. I believe before they have done, they'll rout up the whole garden.

Mr. _Barn._ This is that rogue's doings.

_Cook._ This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em came into the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the spit that was for your worship's supper.

Mr. _Barn._ The very dogs plague me.

_Cook._ And then there's a crew of hungry footmen who devour'd what the dogs left, so that there's not a bit left for your worship's supper, not a scrap, not one morsel, Sir.

[_Exit ~Cook~._

Mr. _Barn._ Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of this crew.

+SCENE+ IV.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of fellows swear they'll have our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall have none on't, so stand to your arms, measter.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have you not?

[_Beating him._

_Col._ 'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll die before I'll part with it.

[_Exit._

_Enter ~Griffard~._

_Griff._ Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for you.

Mr. _Barn._ What gentlemen? who are they?

_Griff._ The gentlemen that have been hunting all this morning, they're now gone up to your wife's chamber.

Mr. _Barn._ The Devil go with 'em.

_Griff._ There is but one way to get rid of this plague, and that is, as I told you before, to set your house on fire.

Mr. _Barn._ That's doing myself an injury, not them.

_Griff._ There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all intend to stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they may be near the woods to hunt the earlier--besides (I overheard them) they're in a kind of plot against you.

Mr. _Barn._ What did they say?

_Griff._ You'll be angry if I tell ye.

Mr. _Barn._ Can I be more angry than I am?

_Griff._ They said then that it was the greatest pleasure in the world to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who had got an estate by ruining honest people in town.

Mr. _Barn._ There's rogues for ye!

_Griff._ I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick or other.

Mr. _Barn._ Hold, let me consider.

_Griff._ What are you doing?

_Griff._ I'm _conceiving_, I shall _bring forth_ presently----oh, I have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, and invention its mother; if I had thought on't sooner, I shou'd have been happy.

_Griff._ What is it?

Mr. _Barn._ Come, come along, I say; you must help me to put it in execution.

+SCENE+ V.

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not able, by herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good company.

Mr. _Barn._ O the carrion! what does she play her jests upon me too?----but mum, he laughs best that laughs last.

_Lis._ What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come?

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her.

[_Exeunt ~Mr.~ Barnard ~and~ Griffard._

_Lis._ Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry--they do try his patience, that's the truth on't.

+SCENE+ VI.

_Enter ~Mariamne~._

What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company?

_Mar._ So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I don't wonder my father shou'd not love the _country_, for besides the expence he's at, he never enjoys a minute's quiet.

_Lis._ But let's talk of our own affairs--have you writ to your lover?

_Mar._ No, for I have not had time since I saw him.

_Lis._ Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort of desperate spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he shou'd not hear from you; besides you promised him, and you must behave yourself like a woman of honour, and keep your word.

_Mar._ I'll about it this minute.

_Enter ~Charly~._

_Char._ Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have something to say to you.

_Lis._ What does this troublesome boy want?

_Char._ What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say to her that will make her laugh----why sure! what need you care?

_Mar._ Don't snub my cousin _Charly_----well, what is't?

_Char._ Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil?

_Mar._ Hush, softly, cousin.

_Lis._ Not a word of that for your life.

_Char._ O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made signs to you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I, cousin?

_Mar._ Yes, yes, I saw you.

_Char._ You see I can keep a secret.----I am no girl, mun----I believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sister _Cicely_----O she's the devil of a girl----but she gives me money and sugar-plumbs----and those that are kind to me fare the better for it, you see cousin.

_Mar._ I always said my cousin _Charly_ was a good-natur'd boy.

_Lis._ Well, and did he know you?

_Char._ Yes, I think he did know me--for he took me in his arms, and did so hug and kiss me----between you and I, cousin, I believe he is one of the best friends I have in the world.

_Mar._ Well, but what did he say to you?

_Char._ Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to see you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go see your cousin--for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems he took her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha.

_Mar._ So.

_Char._ So he offer'd to lay me a _Lewis d'Or_ that I was not coming to you; so done, says I----Done, says he,----and so 'twas a bett, you know.

_Mar._ Certainly.

_Char._ So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win his _Lewis d'Or_, d'ye see----I bid him follow me, that he might see whether I came in or no--but he said he'd wait for me at the little garden gate that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had been in or no.

_Mar._ Very well.

_Char._ So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in--

_Mar._ What then?

_Char._ Why then he paid me the _Lewis d'Or_, that's all.

_Mar._ Why, that was honestly done.

_Char._ And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he had been sipping hot tea.

_Mar._ But was this all?

_Char._ No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win his _Lewis d'Or_ back again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell you that he was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if you don't go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.

_Mar._ What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man?

_Char._ Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin a _Lewis d'Or_. I'm sure you will--for you're a modest young woman, and may go without danger----Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you must.

_Mar._ What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt.

[_Exeunt ~Charly~ and ~Mariamne~._

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with 'em for all this, ha, ha, ha----

_Lis._ What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?

_Col._ We an't in our house now, _Lisetta_, we're in an inn: ha, ha!

_Lis._ How in an inn?

_Col._ Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal with his own fair hand, _At the_ Sword Royal; _entertainment for man and horse_: ha, ha----

_Lis._ What whim is this?

_Col._ Thou, and I, live at the _Sword Royal_, ha, ha--

_Lis._ I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

+SCENE+ VII.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ and ~Griffard~._

Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, _Colin_, you may now let in all the world; the more the better.

_Colin._ Yes, Sir----Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the country----For we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young lass to her daughter----O, here comes my young measter----We'll make him chamberlain----ha, ha----

_Enter ~Dorant~._

Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all alone? You used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along with ye.

_Dor._ Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you to give them a favourable reception.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall be master.

_Dor._ Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in the country our friends.

Mr _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so?

_Dor._ There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and all the company are to meet at our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel?

_Dor._ O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great grandfathers about a duck.

Mr. _Barn._ A quarrel of consequence truly.

_Dor._ And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be accommodated at our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Without doubt.

_Dor._ Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it.

Mr. _Barn._ Why so?

_Dor._ I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.

Mr. _Barn._ O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I was, I'm quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em?

_Dor._ Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.

Mr. _Barn._ O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.

_Dor._ Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect 'till to-morrow morning.

Mr. _Barn._ I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to eat and drink well.

_Dor._ The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir.

Mr. _Barn._ I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come, brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception.

[_Exeunt Mr. ~Barnard~ and his brother._

_Dor._ Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is chang'd within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it?

_Col._ Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha----

_Dor._ Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say?

_Col._ Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.----

_Dor._ What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?

_Col._ Ha----because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all.

_Dor._ Sirrah, if I take the cudgel----

_Col._ Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth----But here are your friends.

+SCENE+ VIII.

_Enter three gentlemen._

_Dor._ Gentlemen you are welcome to _Pasty-Hall_; see that these gentlemens horses are taken care of.

_1 Gen._ A very fine dwelling this.

_Dor._ Yes, the house is tolerable.

_2 Gen._ And a very fine lordship belongs to it.

_Dor._ The land is good.

_3 Gen._ This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it to his father, from whom your father purchased it.

_Dor._ Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.

_1 Gen._ A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it.

_Dor._ And I hope there ever will.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~, and ~Griffard~, drest like drawers._

Mr. _Barn._ Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens boots there?

_Dor._ Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?

Mr. _Barn._ Here, shew a room----or will you please to walk into the kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner.

_1 Gen._ Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient.

Mr. _Barn._ Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there of ye? [_Tells 'em._] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half a crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew the gentlemen into the _Apollo_.

_2 Gen._ What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?

Mr. _Barn._ The _Sword Royal_; at your service, Sir.

_Dor._ But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me?

Mr. _Barn._ My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with ye, it is dear.

_Dor._ O, I shall run distracted.

Mr. _Barn._ You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all the inns in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my bills run high.

_Dor._ Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.

_1 Gen._ Ay, my young _'Squire ~of the~ Sword Royal'_, you shall receive some favours from us.

_Dor._ Dear Monsieur _le Guarantiere_.

_1 Gen._ Here, my horse there.

_Dor._ Monsieur _la Rose_.

_2 Gen._ Damn ye, ye prig.

_Dor._ Monsieur _Trofignac_.

_3 Gen._ Go to the devil.

[_Exeunt Gentlemen._

_Dor._ O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.

Mr. _Barn._ Now, son, this will teach you how to live.

_Dor._ Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll burn your house about your ears, you old rogue you.

[_Exit._

Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha----

_Griff._ The young gentleman's in a passion.

Mr. _Barn._ They're all gone for all that, and the _Sword Royal_'s the best general in Christendom.

_Enter ~Erastus~'s servant, talking with ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye?

_Serv._ The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's forests----He intends to leave my master all he has.

Mr. _Barn._ Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is his master here? What do you do here, rascal?

_Serv._ I was asking which must be my master's chamber.

Mr. _Barn._ Where is your master?

_Serv._ Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know where he's to lie that I may put up his things.

Mr. _Barn._ Do you so, rascal?

_Serv._ A very handsome inn this--Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine.

Mr. _Barn._ Take that, rascal, do you banter us?

[_Kicks him out._

_Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._

Mrs. _Barn._ What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you asham'd to turn your house into an inn----and is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of your character?

Mr. _Barn._ I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd.

Mrs. _Barn._ You're nearer being so than you imagine: for there are some persons within, who have it in their power to punish you for your ridiculous folly.

_Enter ~Erastus~, leading in ~Mariamne~._

Mr. _Barn._ How, Sir, what means this? who sent you here?

_Er._ It was the luckiest star in your firmament that sent me here.

Mr. _Barn._ Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy disposition.

_Er._ Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, is enough to overturn a fortune much better established than yours----However, Sir, if you will consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will bear you harmless.

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my house too.

_Er._ Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and you shall remain as much master of it as ever.

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must be master yourself, and from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your own person.

_Er._ Sir, I readily consent.

Mr. _Barn._ Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, here, take my daughter----And now, Sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care if I toss you in my wife to make you amends.

_Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped, My ~Son~ in anger, and my ~Daughter~ wed; My ~House~ dispos'd of, the sole cause of strife, } I now may hope to lead a happy life, } If I can part with my ~Engaging Wife~._ }

A

=Journey= to =London=.

Being Part of a

COMEDY.

Written by

Sir =John Vanbrugh=.

Dramatis Personæ.

MEN.

Sir _Francis Headpiece_, a country gentleman.

Lord _Loverule_.

Sir _Charles_.

Uncle _Richard_, uncle to Sir _Francis_.

Squire _Humphry_, son to Sir _Francis_.

Colonel _Courtly_.

_John Moody_, servant to Sir _Francis_.

_James_, servant to uncle _Richard_.

WOMEN.

Lady _Headpiece_.

Miss _Betty_, her daughter.

Lady _Arabella_, wife to Lord _Loverule_.

_Clarinda_, a young unmarried lady.

Mrs. _Motherly_, one that lets lodgings.

_Martilla_, her niece.

A

=Journey= _to_ =London=.

+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I.

+SCENE+ _Uncle_ Richard's _House_.

_Uncle ~Richard~ solus._

What prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take, for the support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and that they may not fail to be always significant and useful in their country, it is a settled foundation-point that every child that is born shall be a beggar----except one; and that he----shall be a fool----My grandfather was bred a fool, as the country report: my father was a fool,----as my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to my own knowledge, though a great justice of the peace; and he has left a son, that will make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now fourteen years old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his honour'd father, my much esteem'd nephew, here I have him. [_Shewing a letter._] In this proprofound epistle (which I have just now received) there is the top and bottom of him. Forty years and two is the age of him; in which it is computed by his butler, his own person has drank two and thirty ton of ale. The rest of his time has been employed in persecuting all the poor four-legg'd creatures round, that wou'd but run away fast enough from him, to give him the high-mettled pleasure of running after them. In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both his collar-bones----Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm: A nimble hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, whipt off his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two jointures, and three weighty mortgages upon it, he to make all easy, and pay his brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young housewife for love, with never a penny of money. Having done all this, like his brave ancestors, for the support of the family, he now finds children and interest money make such a bawling about his ears, that he has taken the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good Lord _Courtlove_, to run his estate two thousand pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his affairs by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to _London_, to play off an hundred pounds at dice with ladies of quality, before breakfast.

But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.

Most Honoured Uncle,

_I do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, in my election; it has cost me some money, I own: but what of all that! I am a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived in the country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere perhaps, as well as some others that do; and I have a noble friend hard by, who has let me into some small knowledge of what's what at ~Westminster~. And so that I may always be at hand to serve my country, I have consulted with my wife, about taking a house at ~London~, and bringing her and my family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest thing in the world._

My wife's opinion about bringing her to _London_! I'll read no more of thee----Beast.

[_Strikes the letter down with his stick._

_Enter ~James~ hastily._

_James._ Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all a-coming.

Unc. _Rich._ Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it.

_James._ Sir, here's _John Moody_ arriv'd already; he's stumping about the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till he can hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady and all the family are coming too, and that they are so nobly attended, they care not a fig for any body. Sir, they have added two cart-horses to the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said, she came to town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy _George_ the plowman rides postillion.

Unc. _Rich._ Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd do----_James_.

_James._ Sir.

Unc. _Rich._ Dost know whether they bring all the children with them?

_James._ Only 'Squire _Humphry_, and Miss _Betty_, Sir; the other six are put to board at half a crown a week a head, with _Joan Growse_, at _Smoke-Dunghill_ farm.

Unc. _Rich._ The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will these people make! dost know when they'll be here?

_James._ _John_ says, Sir, they'd have been here last night, but that the old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and the two fore-wheels came crash down at once in _Waggonrut_-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail trunks, besides the great deal-box, which fat _Tom_ sat upon behind.

Unc. _Rich._ Soh!

_James._ Then within the coach there was Sir _Francis_, my Lady, and the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire _Humphry_, Miss _Betty_, my Lady's maid Mrs. Handy, and _Doll Tripe_ the cook; but she puked with sitting backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box.

Unc. _Rich._ Very well.

_James._ Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they should get to the baiting-place, there was such baskets of plumb-cake, Dutch-gingerbread, Cheshire-cheese, Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-tongues, and cold boil'd beef----and in case of sickness, such bottles of usquebaugh, black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, tent, and strong beer, as made the old coach crack again.

Unc. _Rich._ Well said!

_James._ And for defence of this good cheer, and my Lady's little pearl necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn of gunpowder.

Unc. _Rich._ Admirable!

_James._ Then for band-boxes, they were so bepiled up to Sir _Francis_'s nose, that he could only peep out at a chance hole with one eye, as if he were viewing the country thro' a perspective glass. But, Sir, if you please, I'll go look after _John Moody_ a little for fear of accidents: For he never was in _London_ before, you know, but one week, and then he was kidnapp'd into a house of ill repute, where he exchang'd all his money and clothes for a----um. So I'll go look after him, Sir.

[_Exit._