Part 11

_Lis._ Any thing but wives; because they cannot be put off without portions.

_Serv._ Portions! No, no, never talk of portions; my Master nor I neither don't want portions; and if he'd follow my advice, a regiment of fathers shou'd not guard her.

_Lis._ What say you?

_Serv._ Why, if you'll contrive that my Master may run away with your Mistress, I don't much care, faith, if I run away with you.

_Lis._ Don't you so, rogue's face? but I hope to be better provided for.

_Er._ Hold your tongues. But where is _Mariamne_'s brother? He is my bosom friend, and would be willing to serve me.

_Lis._ I told you before, that he has been abroad a hunting, and we han't seen him these three days; he seldom lies at home, to avoid his father's ill humour; so that it is not your Mistress only that our old covetous cuff teizes----there's nobody in the family but feels the effects of his ill humour----by his good will he would not suffer a creature to come within his doors, or eat at his table----and if there be but a rabbit extraordinary for dinner, he thinks himself ruin'd for ever.

_Er._ Then I find you pass your time comfortably in this family.

_Lis._ Not so bad as you imagine neither, perhaps; for, thank Heaven, we have a Mistress that's as bountiful as he is stingy, one that will let him say what he will, and yet does what she will. But hark, here's somebody coming; it is certainly he.

_Er._ Can't you hide us somewhere?

_Lis._ Here, here, get you in here as fast as you can.

_Serv._ Thrust me in too.

[_Puts 'em into the closet._

+SCENE+ II.

_Enter ~Mariamne~._

_Lis._ O, is it you?

_Mar._ So, _Lisetta_, where have you been? I've been looking for you all over the house: who are those people in the garden with my mother-in-law? I believe my father won't be very well pleas'd to see 'em there.

_Lis._ And here's somebody else not afar off, that I believe your father won't be very well pleas'd with neither. Come, Sir, Sir.

[_Calls._

[_Erastus and his servant come out._

_Mar._ O Heavens!

[_Cries out._

_Lis._ Come, lovers, I can allow you but a short bout on't this time; you must do your work with a jirk----one whisper, two sighs and, a kiss; make haste, I say, and I'll stand centry for you in the mean time.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

_Mar._ Do you know what you expose me to, _Erastus_? What do you mean?

_Er._ To die, Madam, since you receive me with so little pleasure.

_Mar._ Consider what wou'd become of me, if my father shou'd see you here.

_Er._ What wou'd you have me do?

_Mar._ Expect with patience some happy turn of affairs; my mother-in-law is kind and indulgent to a miracle, and her favour, if well managed, may turn to our advantage; and cou'd I prevail upon myself to declare my passion to her, I don't doubt but she'd join in our interest.

_Er._ Well, since we've nothing to fear from her, and your brother, you know is my intimate friend; you may therefore conceal me somewhere about the house for a few days. I'll creep into any hole.

_Serv._ Ay, but who must have the care of bringing us victuals?

[_Aside._

_Er._ Thrust us into the cellar, or up into the garret: I don't care where it is, so that it be but under the same roof with you.

_Serv._ But I don't say so, for that jade _Lisetta_ will have the feeding of us, and I know what kind of diet she keeps----I believe we shan't be like the fox in the fable, our bellies won't be so full but we shall be able to creep out at the same hole we got in at.

_Er._ Must I then be gone? must I return to Paris?

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Yes, that you must, and immediately too, for here's my master coming in upon ye.

_Er._ What shall I do?

_Lis._ Begone this minute.

_Mar._ Stay in the village 'till you hear from me, none of our family know that you are in it.

_Er._ Shall I see you sometimes?

_Mar._ I han't time to answer you now.

_Lis._ Make haste, I say; are you bewitch'd?

_Er._ Will you write to me?

_Mar._ I will if can.

_Lis._ Begone, I say, is the Devil in you?

[_Thrusting ~Erastus~ and his servant out._

Come this way, your father's just stepping in upon us.

[_Exeunt._

+SCENE+ III.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ beating ~Colin~._

Mr. _Barn._ Rogue! rascal! did not I command you? Did not I give you my orders, sirrah?

_Col._ Why, you gave me orders to let no body in; and Madam, her gives me orders to let every body in----why the Devil himself can't please you boath, I think.

Mr. _Barn._ But, sirrah, you must obey my orders, not hers.

_Col._ Why the gentlefolks asked for her, they did not ask for you--what do you make such a noise about?

Mr. _Barn._ For that reason, sirrah, you shou'd not have let 'em in.

_Col._ Hold, Sir, I'd rather see you angry than her, that's true; for when you're angry you have only the devil in ye, but when Madam's in a passion she has the devil and his dam both in her belly.

Mr. _Barn._ You must mind what I say to you, sirrah, and obey my orders.

_Col._ Ay, ay, Measter----but let's not quarrel with one another--you're always in such a plaguy humour.

Mr. _Barn._ What are these people that are just come?

_Col._ Nay, that know not I----but as fine volk they are as ever eye beheld, heaven bless 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ Did you hear their names?

_Col._ Noa, noa, but in a coach they keam all besmeared with gould, with six breave horses, the like on 'em ne'er did I set eyes on----'twou'd do a man's heart good to look on sike fine beast, Measter.

Mr. _Barn._ How many persons are there?

_Col._ Vour----two as fine men as ever women bore, and two as dainty deames as a man wou'd desire to lay his lips to.

Mr. _Barn._ And all this crew sets up at my house.

_Col._ Noa, noa, Measter, the coachman is gone into the village to set up his coach at some inn, for I told him our coach-house was vull of vaggots, but he'll bring back the six horses, for I told him we had a rear good stable.

Mr. _Barn._ Did you so, rascal? Did you so?

[_Beats him._

_Col._ Doant, doant, Sir, it wou'd do you good to see sike cattle, i'faith they look as if they had ne'er kept Lent.

Mr. _Barn._ Then they shall learn religion at my house----Sirrah, do you take care they sup without oats to-night----What will become of me? Since I bought this damn'd country house, I spend more in a summer than wou'd maintain me seven years.

_Col._ Why, if you do spend money, han't you good things for it? Come they not to see you the whole country raund? Mind how you're belov'd, Measter.

Mr. _Barn._ Pox take such love----How now, what do you want?

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Sir, there's some company in the garden with my mistress, who desire to see you.

Mr. _Barn._ The devil take 'em, what business have they here? But who are they?

_Lis._ Why, Sir, there's the fat Abbot that always sits so long at dinner, and drinks his two bottles by way of whet.

Mr. _Barn._ I wish his church was in his belly, that his guts might be half full before he came----and who else?

_Lis._ Then there's the young Marquis that won all my Lady's money at cards.

Mr. _Barn._ Pox take him too.

_Lis._ Then there's the merry Lady that's always in a good humour.

Mr. _Barn._ Very well.

_Lis._ Then there's she that threw down all my Lady's china t'other day, and laugh'd at it for a jest.

Mr. _Barn._ Which I paid above fifty pounds for in earnest--very well, and pray how did Madam receive all this fine company?----With a hearty welcome, and a courtsy with her bum down to the ground, ha.

_Lis._ No indeed, Sir, she was very angry with 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ How, angry with 'em, say you?

_Lis._ Yes indeed, Sir, for she expected they wou'd have staid here a fortnight, but it seems things happen so unluckily that they can't stay here above ten days.

Mr. _Barn._ Ten days! How! what! four persons with a coach and six, and a kennel of hungry hounds in liveries, to live upon me ten days.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

_Enter a soldier._

So, what do you want?

_Sol._ Sir, I come from your nephew, Captain _Hungry_.

Mr. _Barn._ Well, what does he want?

_Sol._ He gives his service to you, Sir, and sends you word that he'll come and dine with you to-morrow.

Mr. _Barn._ Dine with me! no, no, friend, tell him I don't dine at all to-morrow, it is my fast-day, my wife died on't.

_Sol._ And he has sent you here a pheasant and a couple of partridges.

Mr. _Barn._ How's that, a pheasant and partridges, say you?----let's see----very fine birds, truly----let me consider--To-morrow is not my fast-day, I mistook, tell my nephew he shall be welcome----And d'ye hear? [_To ~Colin~._] do you take these fowls and hang them up in a cool place----and take this soldier in, and make him drink--make him drink, d'ye see----a cup,----ay, a cup of small beer----d'ye hear?

_Col._ Yes, Sir----Come along; our small beer is reare good.

_Sol._ But, Sir, he bade me tell you that he'll bring two or three of his brother officers along with him.

Mr. _Barn._ How's that! Officers with him----here, come back----take the fowls again; I don't dine to-morrow, and so tell him [_Gives him the basket._] Go, go.

[_Thrusts him out._

_Sol._ Sir, Sir, that won't hinder them from coming, for they retir'd a little distance off the camp, and because your house is near 'em, Sir, they resolve to come.

Mr. _Barn._ Go, begone, Sirrah,

[_Thrusts him out._

There's a rogue now, that sends me three lean carrion birds, and brings half a dozen varlets to eat them.

_Enter Mr. ~Griffard~._

_Griff._ Brother, what is the meaning of these doings? If you don't order your affairs better, you'll have your fowls taken out of your very yard, and carried away before your face.

Mr. _Barn._ Can I help it, brother? But what's the matter now?

_Griff._ There's a parcel of fellows have been hunting about your grounds all this morning, broke down your hedges, and are now coming into your house----don't you hear them?

Mr. _Barn._ No, no, I don't hear them: who are they?

_Griff._ Three or four rake-helly officers, with your nephew at the head of 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ O the rogue! he might well send me fowls----but is it not a vexatious thing, that I must stand still and see myself plunder'd at this rate, and have a carrion of a wife who thinks I ought to thank all these rogues that come to devour me! but can't you advise me what's to be done in this case?

_Griff._ I wish I cou'd; for it goes to my heart to see you thus treated by a crew of vermin, who think they do you a great deal of honour in ruining of you.

Mr. _Barn._ Can there be no way found to redress this?

_Griff._ If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, and go to town.

Mr. _Barn._ What, and leave my wife behind me? ay that wou'd be mending the matter indeed!

_Griff._ Why don't you sell it then?

Mr. _Barn._ Because nobody will buy it; it has got as bad a name as if the plague were in't; it has been sold over and over, and every family that has liv'd in it has been ruin'd.

_Griff._ Then send away all your beds and furniture; except what is absolutely necessary for your own family, you'll save something by that, for then your guests can't stay with you all night, however.

Mr. _Barn._ I've try'd that already, and it signified nothing----For they all got drunk and lay in the barn, and next morning laugh'd it off for a frolick.

_Griff._ Then there is but one remedy left that I can think of.

Mr. _Barn._ What's that?

_Griff._ You must e'en do what's done when a town's on fire, blow up your house that the mischief may run no farther----But who is this gentleman?

Mr. _Barn._ I never saw him in my life before, but for all that, I'll hold fifty pound he comes to dine with me.

_Enter the Marquis._

_Marq._ My dear Mr. _Barnard_, I'm your most humble servant.

Mr. _Barn._ I don't doubt it, Sir.

_Marq._ What is the meaning of this, Mr. _Barnard_? You look as coldly upon me as if I were a stranger.

Mr. _Barn._ Why truly, Sir, I'm very apt to do so by persons I never saw in my life before.

_Marq._ You must know, Mr. _Barnard_, I'm come on purpose to drink a bottle with you.

Mr. _Barn._ That may be, Sir; but it happens that at this time I am not at all dry.

_Marq._ I left the ladies at cards waiting for supper; for my part, I never play; so I came to see my dear Mr. _Barnard_; and I'll assure you I undertook this journey only to have the honour of your acquaintance.

Mr. _Barn._ You might have spared yourself that trouble, Sir.

_Marq._ Don't you know, Mr. _Barnard_, that this house of yours is a little paradise?

Mr. _Barn._ Then rot me if it be, Sir.

_Marq._ For my part, I think a pretty retreat in the country is one of the greatest comforts of life; I suppose you never want good company, Mr. _Barnard_?

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, I never want company; for you must know I love very much to be alone.

_Marq._ Good wine you must keep above all things, without good wine and good cheer I would not give a fig for the country.

Mr. _Barn._ Really, Sir, my wine is the worst you ever drank in your life, and you'll find my cheer but very indifferent.

_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Mr. _Barnard_; I've heard much of your hospitality, there's a plentiful table in your looks----and your wife is certainly one of the best women in the world.

Mr. _Barn._ Rot me if she be, Sir.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Sir, Sir, yonder's the Baron _de Messy_ has lost his hawk in our garden; he says it is pearch'd upon one of the trees; may we let him have'n again, Sir?

Mr. _Barn._ Go tell him that----

_Col._ Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he comes.

+SCENE+ IV.

_Enter the Baron ~de Messy~._

Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a thousand pardons that I should live so long in your neighbourhood, and come upon such an occasion as this to pay you my first respects.

Mr. _Barn._ It is very well, Sir; but I think people may be very good neighbours without visiting one another.

_Baron._ Pray how do you like our _country_?

Mr. _Barn._ Not at all, I'm quite tired on't.

_Marq._ Is it not the Baron? [_Aside._] it is certainly he.

_Baron._ How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you.

_Marq._ My dear Baron, let me kiss you.

[_They run and embrace._

_Baron._ We have not seen one another since we were school-fellows, before.

_Marq._ The happiest _Rencontré_!

_Bro._ These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted.

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of them.

_Marq._ Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd men in the world, Mr. _Barnard_ here, the flower of hospitality----I congratulate you upon having so good a neighbour.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Baron._ It is an advantage I am proud of.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Marq._ Come, gentlemen, you must be very intimate; let me have the honour of bringing you better acquainted.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Baron._ Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if you'll do me that honour.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Marq._ With all my heart----Come, Baron, now you are here we can make up the most agreeable company in the world----Faith you shall stay and pass a few days with us.

Mr. _Barn._ Methinks now, this son of a whore does the honour of my house to a miracle.

_Baron._ I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very glad you'd excuse me.

_Marq._ Faith, I can't.

_Baron._ Dear Marquis.

_Marq._ Egad I won't.

_Baron._ Well, since it must be so----But here comes the Lady of the family.

_Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._

_Marq._ Madam, let me present you to the flower of _France_.

_Baron._ Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person in the world in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and the little estate I have in _this country_ I esteem more than all the rest, because it lies so near your Ladyship.

Mrs. _Barn._ Sir, your most humble servant.

_Marq._ Madam, the Baron _de Messy_ is the best humour'd man in the world. I've prevail'd with him to give us his company a few days.

Mrs. _Barn._ I'm sure you could not oblige Mr. _Barnard_ or me more.

Mr. _Barn._ That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure.

[_Aside._

_Baron._ I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour----for it falls out so unluckily, that I've some ladies at my house that I can't possibly leave.

_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies at your house, we have ladies at our house--let's join companies----come, let's send for them immediately; the more the merrier.

Mr. _Barn._ An admirable expedient, truly!

_Baron._ Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself.

_Marq._ Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient for your return.

_Baron._ Madam, your most humble servant----But I won't take my leave of you----I shall be back again immediately----Monsieur _Barnard_, I'm your most humble servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as soon as possible.

Mr. _Barn._ I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as long as you please; I'm in no haste for ye.

[_Exeunt Baron and Marquis._

Mr. _Barn._ Madam, you are the cause that I am not master of my own house.

Mrs. _Barn._ Will you never learn to be reasonable, husband?

_The Marquis returns._

_Marq._ The Baron is the best humour'd man in the world, only a little too ceremonious, that's all----I love to be free and generous; since I came to _Paris_ I've reform'd half the court.

Mrs. _Barn._ You are of the most agreeable humour in the world, _Marquis_.

_Marq._ Always merry----But what have you done with the ladies?

Mrs. _Barn._ I left them at cards.

_Marq._ Well, I'll wait upon 'em----but, Madam, let me desire you not to put yourself to any extraordinary expence upon our accounts----You must consider we have more than one day to live together.

Mrs. _Barn._ You are pleased to be merry, Marquis.

_Marq._ Treat us without ceremony; good wine and poultry you have of your own; wild-fowl and fish are brought to your door----You need not send abroad for any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so----Let us have no extraordinaries.

[_Exit._

Mr. _Barn._ If I had the feeding of you, a thunder bolt should be your supper.

Mrs. _Barn._ Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye.

Mr. _Barn._ Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to live upon.

Mrs. _Barn._ Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make?

Mr. _Barn._ You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough to pay for the washing of your shifts.

Mrs. _Barn._ It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible this is!

Mr. _Barn._ I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you spend in a year?

Mrs. _Barn._ Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic.

Mr. _Barn._ Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard to comprehend, that he who receives but sixpence and spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in the end?

Mrs. _Barn._ I never troubled my head with accompts, nor never will; but if you did but know what ridiculous things the world says of ye----

Mr. _Barn._ Rot the world----'Twill say worse of me when I'm in a jail.

Mrs. _Barn._ A very Christian-like saying, truly.

Mr. _Barn._ Don't tell me of Christian----Adsbud, I'll turn Jew, and nobody shall eat at my table that is not circumcised.

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Madam, there's the Dutchess of _Twangdillo_ just fell down near our door, her coach was overturn'd.

Mrs. _Barn._ I hope her Grace has received no hurt.

_Lis._ No, Madam, but her coach is broke.

Mr. _Barn._ Then there's a smith in town may mend it.

_Lis._ They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again.

Mrs. _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart, for then I shall enjoy the pleasure of her Grace's good company.----I'll wait upon her.

Mr. _Barn._ Very fine doings this!

[_Exeunt severally._

+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I.

_Enter ~Mr.~ Barnard._

Heaven be now my comfort, for my house is hell: [_Starts._] Who's there, what do you want? who are you?

_Enter servant with a portmanteau._

_Serv._ Sir, here's your cousin _Janno_ and cousin _Mawkin_ come from _Paris_.

Mr. _Barn._ What a plague do they want?

_Enter ~Janno~ leading in ~Mawkin~._

_Jan._ Come, sister, come along----O here's cousin _Barnard_----Cousin _Barnard_, your servant----Here's my sister _Mawkin_ and I are come to see you.

_Mawk._ Ay, cousin, here's brother _Janno_ and I are come from _Paris_ to see you: pray how does cousin _Mariamne_ do?

_Jan._ My sister and I waunt well at _Paris_; so my father sent us here for two or three weeks to take a little country air.

Mr. _Barn._ You cou'd not come to a worse place; for this is the worst air in the whole county.

_Mawk._ Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best.

Mr. _Barn._ Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the worst.

_Jan._ Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for I begin to find my stomach come to me already; in a fortnight's time you shall see how I'll lay about me.

Mr. _Barn._ I don't at all doubt it.

_Mawk._ Father wou'd have sent sister _Flip._ and little brother _Humphrey_, but the calash would not hold us all, and so they don't come till to-morrow with mother.

_Jan._ Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; and after you have washed my face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go in and see how our cousins do.

_Mawk._ Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousin _Mariamne_.

_Jan._ Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one bed will serve us; for sister _Mawkin_ and I always lie together.

_Mawk._ But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd order a little cock-broth for brother _Janno_ and I, to be got ready as soon as may be.

_Jan._ Ay, _a propos_, cousin _Barnard_, that's true; my mother desires, that we may have some cock-broth to drink two or three times a-day between meals, for my sister and I are sick folks.

_Mawk._ And some young chickens, too, the doctor said would bring us to our stomachs very soon.

_Jan._ You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, so it waunt, it was plump partridges sure, the doctor said so.

_Mawk._ Ay, so it was brother,--come, let's go in, and see our cousins.

_Jan._ Ay, come along, sister--cousin _Barnard_, don't forget the cock-broth.

[_Exeunt ~Janno~ and ~Mawkin~._

Mr. _Barn._ What the Devil does all this mean----mother, and sister _Flip._, and little brother _Humphrey_, and chickens, and partridges, and cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress 'em all.

+SCENE+ II.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ O measter, O measter----you'll not chide to-day, as you are usen to do, no marry will you not; see now what it is to be wiser than one's measter.

Mr. _Barn._ What wou'd this fool have?

_Col._ Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were grateful.

Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter?

_Col._ Why the matter is, if you have good store of company in your house, you have good store of meat to put in their bellies.

Mr. _Barn._ How so? how so?

_Col._ Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of horns on his head, heavens bless you, your worship might be seen to wear 'em, comes towards our Geat a puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour----Now says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let this fine youth come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see--So I opens him the geat, pulls off my hat with both my honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Well, well!

_Col._ Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall straightway find----So in he trots, and makes directly towards our barn, and goes bounce, bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had been measter on't----he turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who would say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning--But he had no fool to deal with----for to the kitchen goes I, and takes me down a musquet, and with a breace of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he ne'er spoke a word more to me----Have I done well or no measter?

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, you have done very well for once.