Chapter 2

Hys Fyve Rules

“MY First—but don’t suppose,” he said, “I’m setting you a riddle— Is—if your Victim be in bed, Don’t touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle,

“And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute’s time, no doubt, He’ll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder.

“And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation. Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation.

[Picture: Ghostly border] “If he should say ‘_How came you here_?’ (The way that _you_ began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear— ‘_On the bat’s back_, _my little dear_!’ Is the appropriate answer.

“If after this he says no more, You’d best perhaps curtail your Exertions—go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You’ll know the thing’s a failure.

“By day, if he should be alone— At home or on a walk— You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk.

“But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder.

“With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side— One soon learns how to do it.

[Picture: And swing yourself from side to side]

“The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:— ‘_First burn a blue or crimson light_’ (A thing I quite forgot to-night), ‘_Then scratch the door or walls_.’”

I said “You’ll visit _here_ no more, If you attempt the Guy. I’ll have no bonfires on _my_ floor— And, as for scratching at the door, I’d like to see you try!”

“The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, _To treat him with a grave respect_, _And not to contradict him_.”

“That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish _some_ Ghosts I’ve met Would not so _constantly_ forget The maxim that you mention!”

“Perhaps,” he said, “_you_ first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality.

[Picture: And then you’re sure to catch it . . .]

“If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’ Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all _formal_ parleying— And then you’re _sure_ to catch it!

“The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered.

“That simply means ‘be cut up small’: Ghosts soon unite anew. The process scarcely hurts at all— Not more than when _you_ ’re what you call ‘Cut up’ by a Review.

“The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:— _The King must be addressed as_ ‘_Sir_.’ _This_, _from a simple courtier_, _Is all the Laws require_:

“_But_, _should you wish to do the thing_ _With out-and-out politeness_, _Accost him as_ ‘_My Goblin King_! _And always use_, _in answering_, _The phrase_ ‘_Your Royal Whiteness_!’

“I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don’t object, my dear, We’ll try a glass of bitter beer— I think it looks inviting.”

[Picture: We’ll try a glass of bitter beer]