Chapter 10

gentleman’s habits and tastes.

Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a “business man,” the following form is suggested:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man

My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In reply please refer to: ———— File—Love—personal— N. Y.—1922 No. G, 16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N. Y. DEAR SIR: Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be greatly appreciated. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. Copy to your Daughter per E. F. “ “ “ Wife EF/F

Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising business, the following would probably create a favorable impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful article:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the Advertising Business

JUST A MOMENT! Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are GRANDFATHERS? Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you GRANDPA? _Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!_ COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH

Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, the following might prove effective:

A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a Credit Department

MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. This is not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your immediate attention. Yours truly, ED. FISH. 11-2-22 DEAR MR. ROBERTS: As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request that you let me have some word from you before the first of next month. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 DEAR SIR: You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. E. FISH.

Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of business—or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but there is also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here sleep the brave.”

LOVE LETTERS

A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, that his correspondence should be full of silly meaningless “nothings.” On the contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful information:

A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancée

MY DEAREST EDITH: How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, and I wish—oh, how I wish—that you might be here with me. Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père Lachaise cemetery which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the last resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of Abelard and Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by 2,500,000 iron rivets. Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. I long to hold you in my arms. Devotedly, PAUL.

CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS

Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a “public letter,” would cast it in the following form:

A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman

Mr. Ellison Lothrop, Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” League, MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many—“the greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. And I, for one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the Eighteenth Amendment. I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great organization, Sincerely yours, WALTER G. TOWNSLEY.

A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman

DEAR BOB: Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case for Scotch and $90 for gin _delivered_ and not a cent more. W. G. T.

Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship _The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having had the good taste to purchase a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _is having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively simple._

“Say It with Flowers” _A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _knows its exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man’s head. Alas, how differently this romance might have ended if the so-called “friends” of the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a book on etiquette such as_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.

LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC.

Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form:

A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper or Magazine

To the Editor: SIR: On February next, _Deo volente_, I shall have been a constant reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, sir, that that record gives me the right _ipso facto_ to offer my humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. _Humanum est errare_, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now long past, it was not considered _infra dig_ for a critic to reply to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my complaint. I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you don’t) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of ’68 when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went into the old Boston Museum to see _Our American Cousin_. Joe Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, who was one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to Sam in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. _There_ was one of the finest scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, with “Bull” pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling in our shoes. But _Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in pace_. I last saw “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. But I digress. _Tempus fugit_,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of the November issue of your worthy magazine that _The Easiest Way_ is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as _Hamlet_ and _Othello?_ I think not. _Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum._ Sincerely, SHERWIN G. COLLINS.

A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals

To the Editor: Sir: I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought and—aye—died. I do not believe that there existed in our neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last year, a film called _Snow White and Rose Red;_ we have forbidden him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening game of Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s house. “Papa, look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of the magazine. “What are these?” Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in barroom parlance—a “nude.” And not _one_ nude but _twelve!_ Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I trust you are satisfied. Yours, etc., EVERETT G. PRINGLE.

A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things.

To the Editor: Dear Sir: I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell me and anyway it don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. Yrs. ED. WALSH.

A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous action.

Literary Editors: Dear Sirs: I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it’s a small world after all, isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He’ll know who I mean. Ever sincerely, MAY WINTERS.

LETTERS TO STRANGERS

In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the latter.

A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR

Monsieur Jules La Chaise, Hotel Enterprise, City. MONSIEUR: I hope that you have had a _bon voyage_ on your trip from _la belle France_, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so justly remarked, “_L’etat, c’est moi_,” yet I believe that I can entertain you _comme il faut_ during your stay here. But all _bon mots_ aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride around the city? If you say the word, _voila!_ we shall be at your hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much that is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery _je ne sais quoi_ which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are not to be compared to yours, _mon Dieu_, but we have recently completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I think might almost be denominated an _objet d’art_. I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find there several _bon vivants_ who will be glad to join you in a game of _vingt et un_, and in the large room on the second floor is a victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La Marseillaise.” _Au revoir_ until I see you this afternoon. Robert C. Crocker.

And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter—perhaps some physical peculiarity—upon which the other was extremely sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a little tact may go “a long way.”

A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY

My dear Mrs. Lenox: I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. “Beggars cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do not refuse the Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber of Seville.” Sincerely, Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin.

INVITATIONS

The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of the function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the fact that these invitations vary with the various types of entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule in polite society.

For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following engraved invitation:

MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS _request the pleasure of_ MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S _company at dinner on Tuesday January the tenth at half after seven o’clock_ 1063 Railroad Avenue.

This invitation would of course be worded differently for different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving the party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at 1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn’t have any intention of giving a dinner party on that particular evening.

Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too verbose:

DEAR MR. BURPEE. It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? Cordially, ESTELLE G. BESSERABO.

For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this manner:

MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT _request the pleasure of your company on Friday evening February sixth from nine to twelve_ AT DELMONICO’S to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and Mrs. SCHMIDT

Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus:

THE SENIOR CLASS of the SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE requests the honor of your presence at the Commencement Exercises _on Tuesday evening, June the fifth at eight o’clock_ MASONIC OPERA HOUSE _“That Six” Orchestra._

ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS

Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” or “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort of note:

DEAR MRS. CRONICK: Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed affair—number of guests, character of refreshments, size of orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, Yours truly, ALFRED CASS NAPE.

If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet of note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party.

The following is a standard form of acceptance:

Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, at half after eight.

This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is decidedly demode:

DEAR MRS. ASTOR: Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? Count on me sure. FRED.

It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess.

If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s “regrets” although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” depending largely upon the social position of one’s hostess. The proper form of “regret” is generally as follows:

Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after eight.

Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the “regret,” as for example:

Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after eight, at “The Bananas.”

This is not, however, always necessary.

Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid _This is an admirable picture with which to test the “kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the “faux pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the right instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite “au fait” in the home of any red-blooded American citizen._

Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation _Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, Camp’s Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be found in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR) _he would have realized the bad taste characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table._