Part 3
Becauſe _Fortune_ herſelfe is a _Whore_, but ſuch are not moſt indulgent to their _iſſue_; the old naturall reaſon (but thoſe meetings in _ſtolne love_ are moſt _vehement_, and ſo contribute more _ſpirit_ then the _eaſie_ and _lawfull_) might governe me, but that now I ſee _Miſtreſſes_ are become _domeſtike_ and _inordinary_, and they and wives _waite_ but by _turnes_, and _agree_ aſwell as they had _lived_ in the _Arke_. The old Morall reaſon (that _Baſtards_ inherit _wickedneſſe_ from their _Parents_, and ſo are in a better way to _preferment_ by having a _ſtocke_ before-hand, then thoſe that build all their _fortune_ upon the _poore_ and _weake_ ſtocke of _Originall ſinne_) might prevaile with me, but that ſince wee are fallen into ſuch times, as now the _world_ might _ſpare_ the _Divell_, because _ſhe_ could be bad enough without _him_. I ſee men _ſcorne_ to be _wicked_ by _example_, or to bee _beholding_ to others for their _damnation_. It ſeems reaſonable, that ſince _Lawes_ rob them of _ſucceſſion_ in _civill benefits_, they ſhould have ſomething elſe _equivalent_. As _Nature_ (which is _Lawes patterne_) having denyed Women _Conſtancy_ to _one_, hath provided them with _cunning_ to allure _many_; and ſo _Baſtards_ _de jure_ ſhould have better _wits_ and _experience_. But beſides that by _experience_ wee ſee many _fooles_ amongſt them, wee ſhould take from them one of their chiefeſt helpes to _preferment_, and we ſhould deny them to be _fools_, and (that which is onely left) that _Women_ chuſe _worthier_ men then their _husbands_, is falſe _de facto_; either then it muſt bee that the _Church_ having removed them from all place in the _publike Service_ of _God_, they have better meanes then others to be _wicked_, and ſo _fortunate_: Or elſe becauſe the two _greateſt powers_ in this _world_, the _Divell_ and _Princes_ concurre to their _greatneſſe_; the one giving _baſtardy_, the other _legitimation_: As _nature_ frames and conſerves great _bodies_ of _contraries_. Or the cauſe is, becauſe they abound moſt at _Court_, which is the _forge_ where _fortunes_ are made, or at leaſt the _ſhop_ where they be _ſold_.
[Decoration]
2.
_Why Puritanes make long Sermons?_
It needs not _perſpicuouſneſſe_, for God knowes they are plain enough: nor doe all of them uſe _Sem-briefe-Accents_ for ſome of them have _crotchets_ enough. It may bee they intend not to riſe like _glorious Tapers_ and _Torches_, but like _Thinne-wretched-ſicke-watching-Candles_, which _languiſh_ and are in a Divine _Conſumption_ from the firſt minute, yea in their _ſnuffe_, and _ſtink_ when others are in their more profitable _glory_. I have thought ſometimes, that out of _conſcience_, they allow _long meaſure_ to _courſe ware_. And ſometimes, that _uſurping_ in that place a _liberty_ to _ſpeak freely_ of _Kings_, they would _raigne_ as long as they could. But now I thinke they doe it out of a _zealous_ imagination, that, _It is their duty to preach on till their Auditory wake_.
[Decoration]
3.
_Why did the Divel reſerve Jeſuites till theſe latter dayes._
Did he know that our _Age_ would deny the _Devils poſſeſſing_, and therfore provided by theſe to _poſſeſſe_ men and kingdomes? Or to end the _diſputation_ of _Schoolemen_, why the _Divell_ could not make _lice_ in _Egypt_; and whether thoſe things hee _preſented_ there, might be _true_, hath he ſent us a _true_ and _reall plague_, worſe than thoſe _ten_? Or in _oſtentation_ of the _greatneſſe_ of his _Kingdome_, which even _diviſion_ cannot _ſhake_, doth he ſend us theſe which _diſagree_ with all the reſt? Or knowing that our _times_ ſhould diſcover the _Indies_, and aboliſh their _Idolatry_, doth he ſend theſe to give them _another_ for it? Or peradventure they have beene in the _Roman Church_ theſe _thouſand yeeres_, though we have called them by _other names_.
[Decoration]
4.
_Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours?_
It is becauſe it is the figure of _Youth_ wherin _nature_ wuld provide as many _green_, as _youth_ hath _affections_; and ſo preſent a _Sea-green_ for _profuſe waſters_ in _voyages_; a _Graſſe-green_ for ſudden _new men enobled_ from _Graſiers_; and a _Gooſe-greene_ for ſuch _Polititians_ as pretend to preſerve the _Capitol_. Or elſe _Prophetically_ foreſeeing an _age_, wherein they ſhall all _hunt_. And for ſuch as _miſdemeane_ themſelves a _Willow-greene_; For _Magiſtrates_ muſt aſwell have _Faſces_ born before them to _chaſtize_ the _ſmall_ offences, as _Secures_ to _cut off_ the _great_.
[Decoration]
5.
_Why doe young Lay-men ſo much ſtudy Divinity._
Is it becauſe others tending buſily _Churches preferment_ neglect _ſtudy_? Or had the _Church_ of _Rome_ ſhut up all our wayes, till the _Lutherans_ broke downe their _uttermoſt ſtubborne doores_, and the _Calviniſts_ picked their _inwardeſt_ and _ſubtleſt lockes_? Surely the _Devill_ cannot be ſuch a _Foole_ to hope that he ſhall make this ſtudy _contemptible_, by making it _common_. Nor that as the _Dwellers_ by the River _Origus_ are ſaid (by drawing infinite _ditches_ to ſprinkle their _barren Country_) to have exhauſted and intercepted their _maine channell_, and ſo loſt their more profitable courſe to the _ſea_; ſo we, by providing every _ones ſelfe, divinity_ enough for his _own uſe_, ſhould neglect our _Teachers_ and _Fathers_. Hee cannot hope for better _hereſies_ then hee hath had, nor was his _Kingdome_ ever ſo much advanced by _debating Religion_ (though with ſome _aſperſions_ of _Error_) as by a _dull_ and _ſtupid ſecurity_, in which many _groſe things_ are ſwallowed. Poſſible out of ſuch an _ambition_ as we have now, to ſpeake _plainely_ and _fellow-like_ with _Lords_ and _Kings_, wee thinke alſo to acquaint our ſelves with _Gods ſecrets_: Or perchance when we ſtudy it by _mingling humane_ reſpects, _It is not Divinity_.
[Decoration]
6.
_Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?_
It is agreed that wee have not ſo much from them as any _part_ of either our _mortall ſoules_ of _ſenſe_, or _growth_, and we deny _ſoules_ to others equal to them in all but in _ſpeech_ for which they are beholding to their _bodily inſtruments_: For perchance an _Oxes_ heart, or a _Goates_, or a _Foxes_, or a _Serpents_ would ſpeake juſt ſo, if it were in the _breaſt_, and could move that _tongue_ and _jawes_. Have they ſo many _advantages_ and _meanes_ to hurt us (for, ever their _loving_ deſtroyed us) that we dare not _diſpleaſe_ them, but give them what they will? And ſo when ſome call them _Angels_, ſome _Goddeſſes_, and the _Palpulian Heretikes_ made them _Biſhops_, wee deſcend ſo much with the ſtreame, to allow them _ſoules_? Or doe we ſomewhat (in this dignifying of them) flatter _Princes_ and _great Perſonages_ that are ſo much governed by them? Or do we in that _eaſineſſe_ and _prodigality_, wherein we daily loſe our owne _ſoules_ to we care not whom, ſo labour to perſwade our ſelves, that ſith a _woman_ hath a _ſoule_, a _ſoule_ is no great matter? Or doe wee lend them _ſoules_ but for _uſe_, ſince they for our ſakes, give their _ſoules_ againe, and their _bodies_ to boote? Or perchance becauſe the _Deuill_ (who is all _ſoule_) doth moſt _miſchiefe_, and for _convenience_ and _proportion_, becauſe they would come neerer him, wee allow them ſome ſoules; and ſo as the _Romanes_ naturalized ſome _Provinces_ in revenge, and made them _Romans_, onely for the _burthen_ of the _Common-wealth_; ſo we have given _women_ ſoules onely to make them capable of _damnation_?
[Decoration]
7.
_Why are the Faireſt, Falſeſt?_
I meane not of falſe _Alchimy Beauty_, for then the _queſtion_ ſhould be inverted, _Why are the Falſeſt, Faireſt_? It is not onely becauſe they are _much ſolicited_ and _ſought_ for, ſo is _gold_, yet it is not ſo _common_; and this _ſuite_ to them, ſhould teach them their _value_, and make them more _reſerved_. Nor is it becauſe the _delicateſt blood_ hath the _beſt ſpirits_, for what is that to the fleſh? perchance ſuch _conſtitutions_ have the _beſt wits_, and there is no _proportionable ſubject_, for _Womens wit_, but deceipt? doth the _minde_ ſo follow the _temperature_ of the _body_, that becauſe thoſe _complexions_ are apteſt to change, the _mind_ is therefore ſo? Or as _Bells_ of the _pureſt metall_ retaine their _tinkling_ and _ſound_ largeſt; ſo the _memory_ of the laſt _pleaſure_ laſts longer in theſe, and diſpoſeth them to the next. But ſure it is not in the _complexion_, for thoſe that doe but thinke themſelves _faire_, are preſently inclined to this _multiplicity_ of _loves_, which being but _faire in conceipt_ are _falſe in deed_: and ſo perchance when they are _borne_ to this _beauty_, or have _made_ it, or have dream’d it, they eaſily believe all _addreſſes_ and _applications_ of every _man_, out of a _ſenſe_ of their own _worthineſſ_ to be directed to them, which others _leſſ worthy_ in their own thoughts apprehend not, or diſcredit. But I think the _true reaſon_ is, that being like _gold_ in many properties (as that _all ſnatch_ at them, but the _worſt poſſeſſ_ them, that they care not how deep we dig for them, and that by the Law of nature, _Occupandi conceditur_) they would be like alſo in this, that as Gold to make it ſelf of uſe admits allay, ſo they, that they may be tractable, mutable, and currant, have to allay _Falſhood_.
[Decoration]
8.
_Why Venus-ſtar only doth caſt a ſhadow?_
Is it becauſe it is nearer the earth? But they whoſe profeſſion it is to ſee that nothing be done in heaven without their conſent (as _Re_ — ſays in himſelf of _Aſtrologers_) have bid _Mercury_ to be nearer. Is it becauſe the works of _Venus_ want ſhadowing, covering and dignifying? But thoſe of _Mercury_ need it more; For Eloquence, his occupation, is all ſhadow and colours; let our life be a ſea, and then our reaſons and even paſſions are wide enough to carry us whether we ſhould go, but Eloquence is a ſtorm and tempeſt that miſcarries: and who doubts that Eloquence which muſt perſwade people to take a yoke of ſoveraignty (and then beg and make Laws to tye them faſter, and then give money to the invention, repair and ſtrengthen it) needs more ſhadows and coloring, then to perſwade any man or woman to that which is natural. And _Venus_ markets are ſo natural, that when we ſolicite the beſt way (which is by _marriage_) our perſwaſions work not ſo much to draw a woman to us, as againſt her nature to draw her from all other beſides. And ſo when we go againſt nature, and from _Venus-work_ (for marriage is chaſtitie) we need ſhadowes and colours, but not elſe. In _Seneca’s_ time, it was a courſe, an un-_Roman_ and a contemptible thing even in a _Matron_, not to have had a _Love_ beſide her huſband, which though the Law required not at their hands, yet they did it _zealouſly_ out of the Council of Cuſtom and faſhion, which was _venery_ of _ſupererrogation_:
_Et te ſpectator pluſquam delectat Adulter_,
saith _Martial_: And _Horace_, becauſe many lights would not ſhew him enough, created many _Images_ of the ſame Object by wainſcoting his chamber with looking-glaſſes: ſo that _Venus_ flies not light, as much as _Mercury_, who creeping into our underſtanding, our darkneſs would be defeated, if he were perceived. Then either this _ſhadow_ confeſſeth that ſame dark Melancholy Repentance which accompanies; or that ſo violent fires, needs ſome ſhadowy refreſhing and intermiſſion: Or elſe light ſignifying both day and youth, and ſhadow both night and age, ſhe pronounceth by this that ſhe profeſſeth both all perſons and times.
[Decoration]
9.
_Why is Venus-ſtar multinominous, called both =Heſperus= and =Veſper=._
The Moon hath as many names, but not as ſhe is a ſtar, but as ſhe hath divers governments; but _Venus_ is _multinominous_ to give example to her _proſtitute diſciples_, who ſo often, either to renew or refreſh themſelves towards lovers, or to diſguiſe themſelves from _Magiſtrates_, are to take new names. It may be ſhe takes new names after her many functions, for as ſhe is ſupream Monarch of all Suns at large (which is _luſt_) ſo is ſhe joyned in Commiſſion with all _Mythologicks_, with _Juno_, _Diana_, and all others for marriage. It may be becauſe of the divers names to her ſelf, for her affections have more names than any vice: _ſcilicet_, _Pollution_, _Fornication_, _Adultery_, _Lay-Inceſt_, _Church-Inceſt_, _Rape_, _Sodomy_, _Maſtupration_, _Maſturbation_, and a thouſand others. Perchance her divers names ſhewed her appliableneſs to divers men, for _Neptune_ diſtilled and wet her in love, the Sun warms and melts her, _Mercury_ perſwaded and ſwore her, _Jupiters_ authority ſecured, and _Vulcan_ hammer’d her. As _Heſperus_ ſhe preſents you with her _bonum utile_, becauſe it is wholeſomeſt in the morning: As _Veſper_ with her _bonum delectabile_, becauſe it is pleaſanteſt in the evening. And becauſe induſtrious men riſe and endure with the Sun in their civil buſineſſes, this Star caſts them up a little before, and remembers them again a little after for her buſineſs; for certainly,
_Venit Heſperus, ite capellae_:
was ſpoken to Lovers in the perſons of _Goats_.
[Decoration]
10.
_Why are New Officers leaſt oppreſſing?_
Muſt the old Proverbe, that _Old dogs bite ſorest_, be true in all kinde of _dogs_? Me thinkes the freſh _memory_ they have of the _mony_ they parted with for the _place_, ſhould haſten them for the _re-imburſing_: And perchance they doe but ſeeme eaſier to their _ſuiters_; who (as all other _Patients_) doe account all change of paine, eaſie. But if it bee ſo, it is either becauſe the ſodain _ſenſe_ & _contentment_ of the _honor_ of the _place_, retards and remits the rage of their _profits_, and ſo having ſtayed their _ſtomackes_, they can forbeare the ſecond _courſe_ a while: Or having overcome the _ſteepest_ part of the _hill_, and clambered above _Competitions_ and _Oppoſitions_ they dare loyter, and take breath: Perchance being come from _places_, where they taſted _no gaine_, a _little_ ſeems _much_ to them at firſt, for it is _long before a Christian conſcience overtakes, or straies into an Officers heart_. It may be that out of the _generall diſeaſe_ of all men not to love the _memory_ of a _predeceſſor_, they ſeeke to diſgrace them by ſuch _eaſineſſe_, and make good _firſt impreſſions_, that ſo having drawen much _water_ to their _Mill_, they may afterward _grind_ at eaſe: For if from the rules of good _Horſe-manſhip_, they thought it wholeſome to _jet_ out in a moderate _pace_, they ſhould alſo take up towards their _journeys_ end, not mend their pace continually, and _gallop_ to their _Innes-doore_, the _grave_; except perchance their _conſcience_ at that time ſo touch them, that they thinke it an _injury_ and _damage_ both to him that muſt _ſell_, and to him that muſt _buy_ the _Office_ after their _death_, and a kind of _dilapidation_ if they by continuing _honeſt_ ſhould diſcredit the _place_, and bring it to a _lower-rent_, or _under-value_.
[Decoration]
11.
_Why does the Poxe ſo much affect to undermine the Noſe?_
_Paracelſus_ perchance ſaith true, That every Diſeaſe hath his exaltation in ſome part certaine. But why this in the Noſe? Is there ſo much mercy in this diſeaſe, that it provides that one ſhould not ſmell his own ſtinck? Or hath it but the common fortune, that being begot and bred in obſcureſt and ſecreteſt places, becauſe therefore his ſerpentine crawling and inſinuation ſhould not be ſuſpected, nor ſeen, he comes ſooneſt into great place, and is more able to deſtroy the worthieſt member, then a diſeaſe better born? Perchance as mice defeat Elephants by knawing their _Proboſcis_, which is their Noſe, this wretched Indian Vermine practiſeth to doe the ſame upon us. Or as the ancient furious Cuſtome and Connivency of ſome Lawes, that one might cut off their Noſe whome he deprehended in Adulterie, was but a Tipe of this; And that now more charitable lawes having taken away all Revenge from particular hands, this common Magiſtrate and Executioner is come to do the ſame office inviſibly? Or by withdrawing this conſpicuous part, the Noſe, it warnes us from all adventuring upon that Coaſt; for it is as good a mark to take in a flag as to hang one out. Poſſibly heate, which is more potent and active then cold, thought her ſelfe injured, and the Harmony of the world out of tune, when cold was able to ſhew the high-way to Noses in _Muscovia_, except ſhe found the meanes to doe the ſame in other Countries. Or becauſe by the conſent of all, there is an Analogy, Proportion, and affection between the Noſe and that part where this diſeaſe is firſt contracted, and therefore _Heliogabalus_ choſe not his Minions in the Bath but by the Noſe: And _Albertus_ had a knaviſh meaning when he preferd great Noſes; And the licentious Poet was _Naſo Poeta_. I think this reaſon is neareſt truth, That the Noſe is moſt compaſſionate with this part: Except this be nearer, that it is reaſonable that this Diſeaſe in particular ſhould affect the moſt eminent and perſpicuous part, which in general doth affect to take hold of the moſt eminent and conſpicuous men.
[Decoration]
12.
_Why die none for Love now?_
Becauſe women are become eaſyer. Or becauſe theſe later times have provided mankind of more new means for the deſtroying of themſelves and one another, _Pox_, _Gunpowder_, _Young marriages_, and _Controverſies_ in _Religion_. Or is there in true Hiſtory no Precedent or Example of it? Or perchance ſome die ſo, but are not therefore worthy the remembring or ſpeaking of?
[Decoration]
13.
_Why do Women delight much in Feathers?_
They think that Feathers imitate wings, and ſo ſhew their reſtleſſneſs and inſtability. As they are in matter, ſo they would be in name, like _Embroiderers_, _Painters_, and ſuch _Artificers_ of curious _vanities_, which the vulgar call _Pluminaries_. Or elſe they have feathers for the ſame reaſon, which moves them to love the unworthieſt men, which is, that they may be thereby excuſable in their inconſtancy and often changing.
[Decoration]
14.
_Why doth not Gold ſoyl the fingers?_
Doth it direct all the venom to the heart? Or is it becauſe bribing ſhould not be diſcovered? Or becauſe that ſhould pay purely, for which pure things are given, as _Love_, _Honor_, _Justice_ and Heaven? Or doth it ſeldom come into innocent hands but into ſuch as for former foulneſs you cannot diſcern this?
[Decoration]
15.
_Why do great men of all dependants, chuſe to preſerve their little Pimps?_
It is not becauſe they are got neareſt their ſecrets, for they whom they bring come nearer. Nor commonly becauſe they and their bawds have lain in one belly, for then they ſhould love their brothers aſwel. Nor becauſe they are witneſſes of their weakneſs, for they are weak ones. Either it is becauſe they have a double hold and obligation upon their maſters for providing them ſurgery and remedy after, aſwel as pleaſure before, and bringing them always ſuch ſtuff, as they ſhal always need their ſervice? Or becauſe they may be received and entertained every where, and Lords fling off none but they ſuch as they may deſtroy by it. Or perchance we deceive our ſelves, and every Lord having many, and, of neceſſity, ſome riſing, we mark only theſe.
[Decoration]
16.
_Why are Courtiers ſooner Atheiſts then men of other conditions?_
Is it becauſe as _Phyſitians_ contemplating Nature, and finding many abſtruſe things ſubject to the ſearch of Reaſon, thinks therefore that all is ſo; so they (ſeeing mens deſtinies, mad at Court, neck out and in joynt there, _War_, _Peace_, _Life_ and _Death_ derived from thence) climb no higher? Or doth a familiarity with greatneſs, and daily converſation and acquaintance with it breed a contempt of all greatneſs? Or becauſe that they ſee that opinion or need of one another, and fear makes the degrees of ſervants, Lords and Kings, do they think that God likewiſe for ſuch Reaſon hath been mans Creator? Perchance it is becauſe they ſee Vice proſper beſt there, and, burthened with ſinne, doe they not, for their eaſe, endeavour to put off the feare and Knowledge of God, as facinorous men deny Magiſtracy? Or are the moſt Atheiſts in that place, becauſe it is the foole that ſaid in his heart, There is no God.
[Decoration]
17.
_Why are ſtateſmen moſt incredulous?_
Are they all wiſe enough to follow their excellent pattern _Tiberius_, who brought the ſenate to be diligent and induſtrious to believe him, were it never so oppoſite or diametricall, that it deſtroyed their very ends to be believed, as _Aſinius Gallus_ had almoſt deceived this man by believing him, and the Major and Aldermen of _London_ in _Richard_ the Third? Or are buſineſſes (about which theſe men are converſant) ſo conjecturall, ſo ſubject to unſuſpected interventions that they are therefore forc’d to ſpeak oraculouſly, whiſperingly, generally, and therefore eſcapingly, in the language of Almanack-makers for weather? Or are thoſe (as they call them) _Arcana imperii_, as by whom the Prince provokes his luſt, and by whom he vents it, of what Cloath his ſocks are, and ſuch, ſo deep, and ſo irreveald, as any error in them is inexcuſable? If theſe were the reaſons, they would not only ſerve for ſtate-buſineſs. But why will they not tell true, what a Clock it is, and what weather, but abſtain from truth of it, if it conduce not to their ends, as Witches will not name Jeſus, though it be in a curſe? eithere they know little out of their own Elements, or a Cuſtom in one matter begets an habite in all. Or the lower ſort imitate Lords, they their Princes, theſe their Prince. Or elſe they believe one another, and ſo never hear truth. Or they abſtain from the little Channel of truth, leaſt, at laſt, they ſhould _finde the fountain it ſelf, God_.
[Decoration]
18.
_Why was Sir Walter Raleigh thought the fitteſt Man, to write the Hiſtorie of theſe Times?_
Was it becauſe that being told at his Arraignement, that a Witneſs accuſing himſelf had the ſtrength of two; he may ſeem by Writing the ills of his own Time to be believed? Or is it, becauſe he might reenjoy thoſe Times by the Meditation of them? Or becauſe if he ſhould undertake higher Times, he doth not think, that he can come nearer to the Beginning of the World? Or becauſe like a Bird in a Cage, he takes his Tunes from every paſſenger, that laſt whiſtled? Or becauſe he thinks not that the beſt Echo which repeats moſt of the Sentence, but that which repeats Leſs more plainly?
[Decoration]
CHARACTERS
1.
_The Character of a =Scot= at the first ſight._
At his firſt appearing in the _Charterhouſe_, an Olive coloured Veluet ſuit owned him, which ſince became mous-colour, A pair of unſkour’d ſtockings-gules, One indifferent ſhooe, his band of _Edenburgh_, and cuffs of _London_, both ſtrangers to his ſhirt, a white feather in a hat that had bin ſod, one onely cloak for the rain, which yet he made ſerve him for all weathers: A Barren-half-acre of Face, amidſt whereof an eminent Noſe advanced himſelf, like the new Mount at _Wanſted_, overlooking his Beard, and all the wilde Country thereabouts; He was tended enough, but not well; for they were certain dumb creeping Followers, yet they made way for their Maſter, the Laird. At the firſt preſentment his Breeches were his Sumpter, and his Packets, Trunks, Cloak-bags, Portmanteau’s and all; He then grew a Knight-wright, and there is extant of his ware at 100_l._ 150_l._ and 200_l._ price. Immediately after this, he ſhifteth his ſuit, ſo did his Whore, and to a Bear-baiting they went, whither I followed them not, but _Tom. Thorney_ did.
[Decoration]
2.
_The true Character of a =Dunce=._