Part 7

In ordinary circumstances this would have shocked them horribly, but then wonders began to come almost as matters of course, and Norval’s head drooping down like a ball at the end of a string had such an irresistibly comical appearance, that they both burst into a loud fit of laughter, in which Norval himself joined most heartily. But when they had enjoyed their laugh, and began to look matters and Norval in the face, the puzzle was what to do; for they saw that to resist going out at the top would be useless, and feared that if Norval’s legs were released, his body would go out at the top and be smashed. After thinking a little, Jaques asked Ranulf for his top-cord, proposing to tie it to Norval’s legs, and let him down quietly. “Oh, but,” said Ranulf, “the cord would never reach so far.”

[Sidenote: EXTENDED ARMS.]

[Sidenote: THE MISSING BOX.]

[Sidenote: EXTENSION MOTIONS.]

[Sidenote: PULLING, BUT NO PULING.]

“Oh yes,” said Jaques; “don’t you see that whatever goes in at the bottom must come out at the top? so the string will get long if we hold it, just as Norval’s neck did.” This proved to be correct; for on tying the cord to Norval’s legs and letting them go, they flew up at once, and Jaques and Ranulf holding on prevented Norval tumbling over. But while Jaques was easing the cord down, by moving his hands forward, he thoughtlessly brought them within the doorway, when at once his arms flew up the tower, and Norval had in his turn to assist Ranulf to hold Jaques, whose hands shot out at the top of the tower, and hung down behind them as Norval’s head had done before. Norval and Ranulf began to get the cord ready to let Jaques down safely in his turn, but Jaques (mechanical again) relieved them from the trouble by making use of his long arms. He seized each of his heels firmly in one hand, and bidding the other boys let go, eased his body gently up the tower, out at the top, and down to the ground, and then drew his hands out. The sight of him, with his monstrous arms, produced another burst of laughter, which increased when Jaques, wanting to give Ranulf a box on the ear[6] for laughing, found that his hand, instead of touching him, flew into a rhododendron bush ever so far down the garden-walk. Although neither he nor his brother could shorten their drawn-out members to their original size, still these were so far elastic, that they could draw them in to about half their enormous length, and throw them out again as they pleased. After they had experimented a little with their unwieldy projections, making them perform all sorts of antics, so that the three screamed with laughter, Norval took it into his head that he would like to have a look into the tower; for on his previous journey through it, he had been so hurried that he saw nothing—in fact, had gone through like winking. He therefore raised his head, drawing in his long neck, till he and the tower looked like a gigantic pewter pot with its handle. On getting his nose to the edge, he at once exclaimed, “Oh, what a jolly smell!” This excited Ranulf’s curiosity, so he at once rushed to the door to have a sniff, and to make sure he was not caught as his brothers had been, he took care not to put even his hands in at the door. But unfortunately he forgot the slightly Roman tendency of his nose, which, as he tried to get a whiff of the scent, flew up the tower, nearly poking out Norval’s eye at the top, and ran down the outside to the ground. Ranulf, who did not like having his nose pulled in this fashion, was just going to cry, but remembering the fairy’s caution, exclaimed to himself, “Not if I knows it,” pulled out his handkerchief, and turning round gently did as boys usually do when they have had to gulp down a sob.

“Now, then, get on,” cried Jaques.

“But what shall I do?” said Ranulf.

[Sidenote: BRIDGING THE DIFFICULTY.]

“Do! follow your nose, to be sure. Why don’t you come down by your bridge?”

“What bridge?”

“Why, the bridge of your nose. I’ll hold it steady for you.”

[Sidenote: YOU BE BLOWED.]

Jaques accordingly seized Ranulf’s nose in his long arms, and giving it a hitch round the lightning-conductor at the top of the tower, held the end slanting, making it hang like the rope for the terrific ascents of tight-rope performers, and down this improvised bridge Ranulf slid successfully to the ground, after which Jaques removed the hitch from the lightning-conductor, and Ranulf, who had a taste for the sea, coiled his nose neatly upon the ground, like a hawser on board ship, and taking the coils in his hand, threw them over his shoulder. His brothers seeing this, stowed away their slack also, and had scarcely done so, when there was a tremendous flourish of trumpets, and a being that might have passed for a pantaloon, as he was clothed entirely in golden trouser-legs (the Blunderland substitute for coats of arms) entered the gate. In reality he was a herald, although you would not have guessed it, as he wore no ruff round his throat Behind him strode six stalwart trumpeters, each of whom, instead of blowing his own trumpet—as is too common nowadays—held his instrument to the mouth of his left-hand neighbour. There was an awkwardness about this arrangement, however, for the man at the right end of the line had no trumpet for his mouth, and the man at the other end had no mouth for his trumpet. But in Blunderland, difficulties which elsewhere would be thought insurmountable are soon overleapt. Accordingly, the sixth trumpet was managed thus: The moment the others were raised, trumpeter No. 1, who had no instrument, looked hard along the line, and called out, “No. 6, you be blowed!” and as obedience is the rule in Blunderland, as opposed to what occurs elsewhere, this command was quite enough to make trumpet No. 6 tootle-ootle away as loud as the rest.

[Sidenote: TRUMPERY OBSTRUCTION.]

It seemed to be the business of these trumpeters to make as much noise as they could whenever the unfortunate herald opened his lips to make his proclamation. The sort of thing that went on was this: The herald, having unrolled his paper, cleared his throat, of which there was much need; for if there was no ruff outside, that was more than could be said of the interior. If he had had colera he could not have been more nekroky.[7] Having given a hem, long enough to go round the skirt of a lady’s dress, even of modern proportions, he began to read—

“Roy——”

Instantly his thread was broken by tra ta ta, ti ta ta, tatata ta tum, tatatraratatata, from all the trumpets at once.

Another attempt to go on—

“—al.”

Tra ta t’t’t’a, t’t’a—tra ta ta ti ta ti tati ta tum ta tum ta, ta, ta.

[Sidenote: TRUMPET STOPS.]

[Sidenote: A BLOWING UP.]

When this had happened over and over again, the tra-ta-ta-ing getting louder and longer each time, the herald calmly sat down on the ground, laid aside his proclamation, produced from his pocket a gilt bladder, which he quietly proceeded to blow up till it was full of air, and fastened to the end of his baton by a string about a foot long. Having carefully tested its strength by giving it a few thumps on the ground, he rose, and recommenced reading his proclamation. Instantly behind him began once more the braying of trumpets; but before one tra-ta could escape, bang, b’ng, b’ng, b’ng, bang, bang came the bladder down upon the heads of the six trumpeters. This stopped five of the too-toos[8] coming from them, the whole six trumpeters being knocked out of time. But as there was nobody to take the blow for No. 6 trumpet, it was brazen enough to go on all by itself, as if it would be blowed if it would stop. The herald, however, evidently knew what he was about, for he ran to No. 6 trumpet and gave it such a blowing up, up its mouth, that nothing could get out for ever so long; indeed the air was too much for it, and it could not give it off even in parts; as for the bass, it could not get so low; treble X ecution was quite as impossible; the third part was ten or more notes beyond it; and the only remaining one was altogether so.

Having thus succeeded in obtaining silence, the herald proceeded to read his proclamation, and got through some lines before the trumpeters recovered sufficiently to commence their noise once more; when seeing them about to begin, he repeated the bang bang bang, bang bang, process with most excellent effect—and making about fifteen pauses to perform this operation, he managed to read the whole. In order not to try the reader’s patience, it is thought better to give it without the interrupting bangs—in fact, bang off.

[Sidenote: WHEREAS, ETC.]

By the King—

A Proclamation.

WHEREAS it is our will and desire to maintain a clear course, so that we may be kept placed in the races of the earth, and that our people may continue to have a handy capacity for all athletic sports, likewise to avert the risk of the mussels of our subjects getting limp at the end of our royal line by any shellfish a’baiting (after the barb’rous manner of the fishy policy of the Angles) of the care bestowed by it on generations yet unborn—

We have thought it would fit, with or without the advice of our Prating Council, and the Cakes of our Parliament, to appoint and declare, and we do hereby, by and with, or passing by and without the said advice, appoint and declare, that immediately, or even sooner, all who hear or do not hear of this proclamation, shall assemble without delay on a spot to be fixed by us at some future time, there to hold our annual games.

[Sidenote: ODD JOBS.]

And our will and pleasure further is, that prizes be awarded to those of our subjects who display the greatest skill in performing any of the following feats of agility and strength:—

I. Running up a bill with spears and ponds.

II. Taking a spring from a well in dancing pumps.

III. Carrying 6 Woolwich infants in an estimate.

IV. Handling a weighty argument, and hurling it at an adversary.

V. Knocking down a five-storey house by one blow of a hammer at the bidding of the purchaser.

VI. Carrying a measure with a Committee sitting upon it through two Houses.

VII. Keeping a gentleman in your eye when you have a stye in it already.

VIII. Carrying a crowded house along with you for three hours.

IX. Running a tremendous risk, and beating it.

X. Keeping time for the human race.

And such others as we may appoint.

GIVEN AT OUR COURT AT LUCKINGHAM ON THE 32ND OF APRIL 8177, IN THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINTH YEAR OF OUR REIGN.

[Sidenote: A BLOW FOR NO BLOW.]

[Sidenote: STICKY.]

[Sidenote: AN EXTRA HAND.]

[Sidenote: HONOUR BRIGHT.]

The herald having completed the reading of the proclamation, evidently expected that, the proper time having now arrived, his trumpeters would blow a vigorous flourish, as in duty bound; but instead of this there was dead silence, all the trumpeters standing stock-still, with their hands hanging at their sides, and mouths wide open. At this the herald got white with passion, the choler rose so at his throat that he could bear it no longer, but cut up rough, the cuffs flying from him in showers, till at last he burst the bladder with a terrific bang on the nose of No. 1, who took no more notice than if he had been made of gutta-percha. The herald calmed down as suddenly as he had flared up, and after looking at the motionless figures for a moment, quietly remarked, “Oh, I’m in no hurry, I can wait,” produced from the pocket of one of his many trouser-legs a copy of ‘Enquire within upon Everything’—a book much studied in Blunderland—and commenced reading, evidently in the hope that he might in course of time come upon a receipt that would enable him to settle the hash of his saucy attendants. The trumpeters could have borne any amount of violence, but the herald’s tactics were too much for them; so before he could get his spectacles adjusted to commence reading, they all placed their trumpets to their mouths, and blew a most elegant tootle-ootle, at which the herald, smiling sweetly, turned and said, “Thanks, thanks, my children!” and producing a box from another pocket, handed each of them a stick of barley-sugar. Now no one will think it surprising that the sight of a free distribution of barley-sugar should be rather exciting to three small boys like our heroes. And although they had been well taught that little men should not thrust themselves on people to ask for things, still, being in Blunderland, it is not strange that they should be a little infected by the character of the country, and do what would have been not at all good manners anywhere else. So Jaques, taking advantage of his long arms, unwound one of them, and passing it round to the back of the trumpeters, thrust it out between two of them. The herald, quite unsuspecting, placed in it a stick of barley-sugar, when it was instantly withdrawn, and Jaques handed the barley-sugar to his elder brother. Repeating the process, he succeeded in getting sticks for Ranulf and for himself, the herald being in great astonishment, as he found that though he had given out more than six sticks, and the trumpeters were all sucking away furiously, there was always an empty hand stretched out from some quarter or another for more. Looking behind the trumpeters, all he could see was what he took to be a garden watering-pipe lying on the ground, but which was in reality Jaques’ arm. Not to be beaten, he muttered to himself that he would go on till he found it out; so, to the boys’ great delight, kept putting sticks into Jaques’ hand, until his box was empty and their pockets full. They felt, however, when all was over, that while it might not be of great consequence, still, to be little gentlemen as they ought, they must not leave matters unexplained; so, after a short consultation how it was to be done, Jaques’ hand again appeared between the trumpeters holding all the sticks of barley-sugar, minus one little bit that Ranulf, with a haste excusable at six years, but no longer, had nibbled off, and a voice behind the herald said, “Please sir, may we have them?” Turning round, he saw the three boys, and gazing at them with their coils, exclaimed in amazement—

“Why, you must be three rolls of endless wax-taper out for a walk!”

[Sidenote: WHAT’S YOUR LITTLE GAME?]

“Oh no; we aren’t tapirs,” said Ranulf, who, having a recollection of a beast with a long snout in his animals-book, thought this was a reflection on his nose. He felt very much inclined to put his fingers to it; but a sense of propriety, and a difficulty in finding the point of it among the folds, combined to restrain him.

“Then if you’re not tapers,” said the herald, “you must be sons of a gun, built on the coil system—Armstrong’s patent, eh? or perhaps you are in the still line?”

“Nurse never thinks so,” said Jaques. “She says she would like to see a little more of the still about us—that we are too full of good spirits.”

[Sidenote: A POSER.]

“And what is the still business for, except to produce good spirits; but,” said the herald, suddenly assuming a tremendous air of official dignity, “we must tarry no longer; the games are about to commence.”

“Oh, but please, sir, may we keep the barley-sugar?”

“Yes,” said he, and was going to add “but” something, only he did not get time, for his Yes was instantly followed by three Thank-yous, and three enormous bites at the barley-sugar.

“Stop, stop, stop!” he cried. “I thought you wanted to keep it.”

The boys knew that they should not speak with their mouths full; and having as much in them as good manners allow, they were compelled to nod.

“And how can you both eat your lollypop and keep it? There’s a poser for you,” said the herald, folding his arms, throwing back his head, and planting his right foot forward in a manner which plainly meant, “I poses for a reply.”

[Sidenote: CONFLICTING DUTIES.]

It was a poser in one way, for no answer could be given to it by nod or shake; and as the mouths were still full, it remained unanswered, the boys wavering between—

“Speak when you are spoken to” and “Don’t speak with your mouth full.”

The herald’s notion of his own dignity seemed to be greatly increased by there being apparently no answer to his question, which was just as well, for as he got full of importance he got empty of everything else (on the well-known principle of natural philosophy, that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time), and so forgot all about his question.

While he was still posing, a mounted disorderly galloped on to the ground, shouting—

“Here, hi, hollo, you there! What’s yer name? How long d’ye mean to keep the king waiting?”

[Sidenote: TAKEN ABACK.]

In a moment all the herald’s dignity was gone. He trembled till his trouser-legs were fluttering all round him, like a cock’s feathers when he shakes himself, and cried—

“The king waiting! oh, oh dear!” gathered his trouser-legs about him, and fled through the gateway, like an old woman running in a shower of rain.

The trumpeters, thus relieved of the dread of the gilded bladder, blew a tremendous flourish, threw their trumpets in the air, and then the end one giving a back, they set off in leap-frog after the herald.

[Sidenote: RACE-COURSE NOT COARSE.]

[Sidenote: DELICATE SHADE.]

The boys made after them as fast as they could, soon outstripping them with their young legs, and on passing through the gate found the people assembled for the games. It was indeed a lovely sight. Unlike such gatherings among those who do not blunder, there were no thimble-riggers; no dismal niggers; no men with two black cards and a red; no shouts of four to one, bar one; no little girls with careworn faces and work-worn tights, faded and patched, performing on stilts to a consumptive drum and a time-defying flageolet; no display of paint, false hair, and falser smiles; no pouring in of sparkling gooseberry; no pouring out of wild and wicked words; no reeling and staggering; no shouting and brawling; no fingers in other people’s pockets, and fists in other people’s eyes. Such things are only to be witnessed in countries where the people have grown out of the condition of blundering, and have reached an advanced stage of civilisation and intelligence. Here in this yet unenlightened country things were quite different. The sight was lovely. The ladies and gentlemen whom the boys had seen before on the lawn, were here assembled, along with a host of other people of humbler rank, the rich costumes of the ladies and gentlemen contrasting with the less costly dresses of the lower classes, grouped as they were with the most charming harmony and accommodation of colours too beautiful for description, forming a sight never to be forgotten. The effect was made still more charming by the flowers that had sheltered the groups on the lawn being formed into a vast sun-shade above—a gigantic white lily, with its bell turned downwards, being the centre, and the circles going out from it in the most delicate gradations of colour through all the tints of the rainbow; the edges of this gigantic and gorgeous _ombrelle_ being formed of enormous bright fern-leaves, the points of which, bending towards the ground, were by some unseen means kept gently waving, wafting the air charged with the fragrance of the flowers in delicious coolness over the whole assemblage.

In rather incongruous contrast to the elegance and luxurious refinement of the scene was the conduct of one individual, who, although he had a crown on his head, was rushing about with an apron on and a napkin under his arm, carrying dishes and bottles in all directions.

[Sidenote: WEIGHTY.]

“_Waiter!_” shouted a voice on one side.

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“Four sausage rolls, a hice, and three pops.”

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“_Waiter!_” cried another.

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“Two ’alfs ’alf-and-’alf, an’ ’alf a sandwich.”

[Sidenote: THE CORRECT TIP.]

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“_Waiter!_” roared a third.

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“Cold beef and pickles, two brandies, and a split.”

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“Come along, king,” said a fourth, “attend to the comforts of your subjects.”

_The King._ “Yessir.”

“Two churchwardens and a screw of tobacco.”

_The King._ “Yessir.”

The poor king did his very best, and rushed about most energetically. He managed, like a good waiter, to keep up a considerable fire of chaff. A man having offered him a tip of 2s. 6d., he exclaimed, “Oh, sir, you cannot give a king less than a crown!” To a party who gave him 15s., he objected, “This won’t do, sir; I must have five more.”

“Why?”

“Three crowns is the Pope’s allowance. It takes four to make a real sovereign, sir.”

[Sidenote: NO SPEAKING BACK.]

But although trying to be as merry and lively as possible, he found it very hard work, and the moment the herald appeared, dropped his napkin, six plates of lamb and salad and eight pewter pots he was carrying, tore off his apron, changed a crown, and picking up his robe of state and his sceptre and ball, gave a royal wave of his hand.

The herald was at once seized and brought forward, and, addressing him, the king said, “What, ho, thou caitiff! say, how hast thou dared so long to keep thy sovereign waiting?”

[Sidenote: 10 CARRIED FORWARD.]

If the herald had been a log, he could not have remained more stolidly immovable. There was dead silence for a few moments, and then the king again spoke, “’Tis well thou knowest thou shouldest not dare to answer back to a king, for this is half thine offence pardoned. Canst thou bring forward anything why punishment should not overtake thee for the other half?” At this the herald did bring something forward, for he brought up one hand, and placing the thumb to the end of his nose, he slowly extended the fingers as far out as he could, and waggled them about, then he placed the thumb of the other hand to the little finger already stretched out, and extending his other fingers, waggled them too. The boys were aghast at thus seeing a subject making a long nose at a king, and still more when he finished by bringing his hand sharply up against his open mouth, producing a sound like the popping of a well-fitted cork.

The king, however, seemed not at all struck in the way they were by the herald’s conduct, but turning to an attendant said, “Bring forward the whys man, that we may get the interpretation of these heraldic emblems.”

[Sidenote: VERY QUEER EH?]

The whys man was, as might have been expected, the querist man that ever was seen. Nobody could fail to see that he was a man of mark of interrogation, for when you looked at him you saw a great deal of curl at the head, and when you reached his feet he came to a stop.[9]

“Your Majesty, come and I obey,” said the seer.

The boys thought this bad grammar, and very rude on the part of a subject (not knowing that he meant, “Command, I obey”); for, as Norval said to Jaques, a subject giving dictation, instead of a subject being given in dictation, was contrary to all their school experience. But they were beginning not to be surprised at anything.

“Didst thou behold the mysterious signs just made by our herald? What mean they?” said the king.

[Sidenote: AVERSE TO PROSE.]

“Will your Majesty deign to say whether you desire to be answered with rhyme and reason or without rhyme or reason?”

“Whichever seemeth best unto thee, oh seer!”

“Then, seriously speaking, I would say that if a point of view be taken, such as those who take points of view, with a view to getting the point of view, that brings best into view the true view of the point, which ought to be kept in view, in the view of getting at the point——”

“Oh, stop, stop, stop!” cried the king; “which is that—‘with’ or ‘without’?”