Part 4

After breakfast we was out again doin' outposts. Wish they wouldn't 'ave so much make believe about it. Supposin' now they puts yer in a group as sentries. "The henemy," they ses, "is somewhere over there, an' you've to watch that bit o' country in front of you; the countersign's 'Bunkum,' an' you've to keep under cover." Well, there aint no henemy, an' nothin' aint goin' to 'appen, an' yer wouldn't know wot to do if it did, so you just lies down an' smokes till the "assembly" goes, an' then you comes back. It may teach officers something, but it don't teach us much.

As we was out for the day only 'ad a sort o' bread an' water picnic instead of dinner, which we 'as when we gets back to camp. We was put through what they calls an attack drill after, but I didn't think much of it; started off with about twenty yards between you an' the next man, an' then as we advanced, they comes crowdin' up from be'ind till the firin' line were like a bloomin' football scrimmage, with about four different Battalions all atop o' one another, an' loosin' off right an' left whether they was in front or be'ind. "'Ere," I ses to Ted Parminter, "this aint no place for us, it's too bloomin' dangerous. I'm going to be a casualty." An' we drops be'ind. "Wot bally rot!" I 'eard one off'cer say, an' I quite agreed with 'im.

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_Thursday._--Everyone 'ad to clean the bloomin' camp twice over to-day, as we was to be inspected. I niver seen such a place for getting dirty; you brushes yerself down an' blacks yer boots an' polishes up yer rifle, an' in ten minutes you are that covered in dust as you look as if you 'adn't washed for a week.

Got sent out with a patrol again. Saw a General ridin' along our way, so we got be'ind an 'edge till 'e'd gone by. Just after we got back to the picket another General comes along an' asks all sorts of questions, an' didn't seem to think much of the answers 'e got. We was all 'oping it were over for the day, when along comes a whole lot o' Generals all together, and one of 'em calls out to us to fall in. We gets up an' begins dusting ourselves down a bit, when 'e yells at us for not being in our places at once, an' goes for us 'ot an' strong; then 'e starts asking questions as made me shiver. All of a sudden 'e ses: "Who was in charge of the last patrol as went out?" The Captain calls me up, and the General ses, "Where did you go?" I tells 'im I went as far as the wood. "See anything of the enemy?" 'e ses. "There weren't none there," I ses. "How do you know?" ses 'e; "you ar'n't allowed to enter the woods about here." "Well, Sir," I ses, "we didn't go in, but there's only two places where anybody could get in without doing damage, and there weren't no footmarks there." "What forage can I get down there?" 'e ses. "There's about three ton o' bad 'ay, Sir, at one of the cottages, but it aint worth 'aulin'," I ses, an' 'e tells me to fall back in the ranks, which I was precious glad to do. Our Captain said, when they was gone, as 'ow I'd answered very well, an' 'ow I ought to go for a stripe. I said as I should like to.

Paraded in the afternoon for the reg'lar inspection; was kept out in the burnin' sun standing still for about two hours while another General walked round an' looked at our buttons an' boots, an' found fault with every blessed thing. They seems to think yer kit is made to look at, not to use. As I ses to Ted in the canteen after, "We comes to camp for trainin', an' this 'ere's nothing but wastin' time, as could be done at 'ome anywhere."

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_Friday._--Revelly 'arf 'our earlier this morning, as we 'ad a longish march to do. Precious 'ot it were, too, an' we were main glad to get a rest before beginning operations. Don't know what we was supposed to be doin', but we got posted on the side of an 'ill where we could 'ave seen everything as was goin' on, but d'rectly you gets up to 'ave a look some one starts bellerin', "Lie down there!" till we all got the bloomin' 'ump. After a bit they takes us back the way we come and we lay down again, then they advances us up the 'ill again; then they shifts us about all over the shop, backerds an' forrards, till we didn't know where we was. At last a off'cer comes galloping over to our Colonel and they seemed to be 'avin' a few words, and we advances an' 'alts, advances an' 'alts, for about a hour an' a 'arf, an' then just as we was getting up to the firing line an' thinkin' this was a bit of all right at last, the bugles go, "Cease fire." "Taint fair," ses Dick Jennings; "let's shoot the bloomin' humpire." Getting back to camp were a bit thick, 'ow we did it without fallin' out I don't know. No one who aint done it theirselves knows wot marchin' ten mile in fours on a road two inches deep in dust is like; yer rifle weighs about a ton, an' yer water's gone at the first 'alt. The bloomin' band as ought to 'ave met us an' played us 'ome, went an' lost itself, an' never showed up till we was almost back to camp. Colonel 'e's give out as every man is to 'ave a hextra pint issued to 'im. I 'ad three more on my own; 'ad a bit of a sing-song in the evenin', but we was too tired to do much.

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_Saturday._--Regular scrimmage striking tents an' getting blankets an' baggage together, but got it done some'ow--a regular nigger drivin' sort of job.

Felt quite sorry when we fell in on p'rade for the last time. Camp's stiffish work an' everybody grumbles, but it aint bad fun on the whole; an' after all a chap as 'as been to camp is worth half-a-dozen as 'asn't, you learns things there that you can't learn nohow else, no matter 'ow clever you are.

What the service would be without the Junior Subaltern the Junior Subaltern cannot imagine.

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Do not anathematize the genius who formulates the Regulations. He is quite right, if you could but understand him.

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Gun practice with obsolete weapons is instructive. One cannot know too much of the history of one's country.

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A sealed pattern at the War Office is something different from the kit you have just purchased.

The expenses of the officer's dress should be reduced whenever possible. Abolish ten shillings worth of lace, and substitute three buttons at three-and-sixpence apiece. There is only a slight difference, but every little helps.

Rifles should be cleaned very carefully: one man should hold the rifle, and the other should manipulate the "pull-through."

The difference between field service kit and parade dress is very marked. You wear out the one and grow out of the other.

You may be traffic manager of a railway, but you cannot know as much about a baggage train as a Second Lieutenant in the Army Service Corps who has been at it for a week.

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Now this is the creed of the Subaltern.-- The Subaltern knows everything and does everything. The Captain knows (?) everything and does nothing. The Major knows nothing and does nothing.

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There is such a thing as too much enthusiasm, and when, after joining the Signalling section, Edwin's fond epistles took the above form, Angelina decided that it was time to break off the engagement.

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If you want to know anything always ask the Adjutant; recollect that he has nothing to do but to attend to _you_.

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No water-cart is perfect. You may abuse it without incurring rebuke.

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When in doubt say you have received no instructions.

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Many rules apply equally well in civil and military life. If you are in a responsible position, never do anything till you are absolutely pushed.

Presenting arms never killed the enemy, neither has physical drill, but each helps to make a soldier.

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It is curious how an indifferent shot always gets a badly sighted rifle issued to him.

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"Intelligence in the obeyin' of commands," said "Tiny," "is of the utmost importance. If you are with an off'cer as knows 'is work you may close yer eyes and rest in peace, an' just do as you're told without worryin'. But they differ. There's that little devil with the eyeglass now, if 'e's takin' you an' you see me convenient to 'is elbow you can be easy in your minds an' jump to the word, but if, by misfortune, 'e's out there alone, keep yer wits about yer an' step off slow, for 'As you were' an' 'Mark time' is favourite commands with 'im.'"

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"Discipline is a good word; it fills the mouth and makes the chest swell with the sound, but it's easier to spell than to explain," said "Tiny." "I have not my patent-instalment-plan Dictionary with me, but 'tis in the nature of obedience, only more so. Any fool can do as 'e's told, but the disciplined man will do it even when 'e thinks it's wrong--not, I want ye to understand, just because it's an order, but because 'e ses to 'imself: this is for a reason as I don't know on. F'rinstance, when the father told the boy to slip into the orchard an' shin up a tree an' collar all the apples 'e could, that boy didn't hesitate, but started 'tooty sweet,' as the French say. Now, thinks 'e as 'e goes along, 'Wot's the little game? The apples is rotten, the dawg's about, an' the farmer 'll catch me for sure. It can't be for the sake of getting me a lammin', cos,' says he, 'the ole man likes doin' that 'isself. I don't 'arf like the looks of it,' 'e says, 'but I'll take me precautions:' with that he shoves a bone in 'is pocket to amuse the tripe hound if he gets too pressing, an' takes a stone or two for the farmer, an' by the end of the campaign comes back to find that the enemy's attention 'aving been diverted to the orchard, the ole man 'as cleaned out the hen roost, an' there's a hot supper an' general rejoicings."

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Transcriber's note:

The original hyphenation, spelling and grammar have been preserved.

Page 21, "Reglashuns" changed to "Reg'lashuns" [Ed. for consistency] Page 99, 'anywhere.' changed to 'anywhere."' Page 111, "isself" changed to "'isself"