Part 3

_Wednesday._--A most amusing little field day. I think we did everything we should not have done. Not a soul paid the faintest attention to cover, and when we got into the quite open country everyone took the opportunity to reform the lines. I pulled up a Subaltern who was doing it in the most barefaced manner; he was very cheerful about it, said it would save no end of confusion, and it was much easier to do "out here" than when you were "bottled up in a bally wood!" I should rather like to know what the men think of field days. The issue of blank ammunition usually keeps them quite cheerful for the first half-hour; then, if they happen to be in reserve they get very sulky and think they're being "done in the eye," and when they eventually get into the firing line, they loose off every round they have as fast as possible, and from that moment take no further interest in the proceedings.

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_Thursday._--Annual Inspection to-day. Took every precaution, carefully coached two companies in piquet duties, and put the rest in reserve. Told the Captains if they had any old soldiers in the ranks to put them in the responsible positions. Thank goodness the Chief invariably asks the same questions, so hadn't to bother about other things. It would be too dreadful if he started dodging us. I wish officers would _not_ say they've received no instructions about all sorts of things. It may be perfectly true, but you can't get them to see that they ought to say anything but that. Had rather a fright when I heard the G.O.C. was paying a surprise visit to the outposts, but something kept him off us. The Sergeant Major said we should get an awful wigging over the camp, as it wasn't half cleaned up, so had to get the Colonel to keep lunch going as long as possible. Men turned out for inspection better than I expected, but one wretched youth in No. 1 Company got his bayonet jammed. Thought we were in for it, but luckily his struggles were so pathetic that the Chief had to laugh, and forgot to make any nasty remarks until he'd almost finished the inspection. We might train a humorously-minded boy to do something of the sort every time.

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_Friday._--Usual wind-up field day. Did "pooja" to everything I could think of, in the hope of being placed in reserve, but it didn't come off. Had a positively dreadful time. Our portion of the firing line seemed to fascinate the G.O.C., nothing would make him go away. Gave us frightful "dirt" because the men insisted on standing up to see the Commander-in-Chief and Staff go by, when they were supposed to be under cover and lying down. One of the Staff got off rather smart thing--said the Volunteers combined the minimum of expense with the maximum of inefficiency.

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_Saturday._--Broke camp. I don't know which is worse, getting to camp or coming away from it. It doesn't matter what arrangements you make, it always results in hopeless confusion, and everybody goes about cursing somebody or something. I shall keep out of the way as much as possible, and I shall go on leave directly we get back.

No. 3.

2nd Lieut. FITZGERALD LAWLESS.

_Saturday._--Utter rot limiting a fellow's baggage; I've simply chucked it. If there was any need, I could live in one shirt just as well as the next man, but I expect the Sergeant Major will think it his duty to point out that two kit bags, a hold-all, plus the regulation tin box, is almost up to field officer form, but I can't do it with less. I'm sure the amount of stuff the sergeants' mess take with 'em is simply appalling.

Trust our mess president will provide for our carnal appetites by the way, but shall take the precaution of laying in a small stock on my own.

Had huge jest with young Simpkins in the train. Rotted him about his new Sam Browne equipment; told him it wasn't on right, so we had it off him, and regularly trussed him up in it; he got awfully wrathy, so we sat him in a corner while Jackson read "Hints for Young Officers" to him.

Found my tent pitched close to the Colonel's; rather a good egg, as they won't be able to try any larks on this time. That young ass Blenkinsop, who was baggage officer, has lost one of my kit bags, and pretty well smashed up the other things. Had the cheek to say it was lucky the only really efficient Sub. in the Battalion in charge, or the baggage would never have got here. Gathered from the tone of his remarks that he'd had a pretty healthy time of it.

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_Sunday._--Seems quite good to hear the bugles going once more. Church parade. Infernal nuisance having to wear busbies--always feel like a bally Hungarian bandsman. As usual, forgot about the collection, so had to apply to Watney, who, being a parson's son, is up to these moves; result--put in half-a-crown. Fancy Watney regards it as a little private field day, as he invariably has half-crowns and nothing else. Told me afterwards he'd lent five.

Spent most of this afternoon trying to instil some measure of tidiness into my servant.

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_Monday._--On duty. Inspected the grub first thing. Awfully good chap our Quartermaster; tried to show me how to spot bully beef. 'Pon my soul I think the real work of a Battalion is done off the scenes, as it were. How the deuce they manage to feed nine hundred beggars without a regular fuss, beats me.

No complaints about the breakfast. My own a bit off, as I was late.

Preliminary training and drills. Been trying to hammer a little knowledge into our N.C.O.'s. The non-commissioned man may be the backbone of the army, but I'll be hanged if he is of the Volunteers. Went round lines at dinner. Two or three complaints; either too much fat or too little gravy. Got rather good wheeze for these occasions; nearly always come from an untidy lot, so invariably say I never take complaints from a dirty tent; makes 'em very sick. Turned out the guards; good thing in principle, generally a bally farce in practice.

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_Tuesday._--Had to dig young Brown out of his tent about 2 A.M.; his man hadn't slacked off the tent ropes, and as there was rather a heavy dew, the whole show collapsed. Fancy B. thought the camp had been rushed, as we discovered him clutching his sword. His lamp had been knocked over, and he was soaked in paraffin, and smelt vilely. Rotted B. about it all day.

Fooled about in rear of my half company most of the time, as the Captain was enjoying himself bossing everything; he might just as well have given me a separate job to do. Got rather hauled over the coals for not seeing that the men laid out their bedding properly. Asked the Sergeant Major what the regulation way was. Wish he wouldn't _always_ preface his information with "I should have thought, Sir, that that was one of the _first_ things an officer should know."

Rather a lark after mess; got young B. down and christened him "Violet de Parme," while Jackson played "Taint all lavender." Suspected B. of harbouring thoughts of revenge, so collared a syphon of soda, and after putting out my light crawled outside and waited for him. Just as he started letting the tent down, sallied forth and let fly the soda at him. Stirred up the Colonel, so had to lie awfully doggo.

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_Wednesday._--Colonel rather grumpy about being disturbed. Did a futile Brigade attack to-day. Got told off as escort to some machine guns. Asked the Johnnie in command of 'em what he was going to do. Said he didn't know, but thought they wanted him to keep out of the way, and interrupt the attack as little as possible. M.G.'s usually looked on as a nuisance, I fancy. I suggested it would be rather sporting if we worked out well to a flank, and then imagined ourselves ambushed, and bolted back on the main body; give 'em awfully great opportunity of showing what they could do in an emergency, but he wouldn't rise to it. Simply a lovely chance lost of rotting up the show. Think I shall put in for the gun section next year.

Went over to the Wildshires in the evening. Awfully sporting lot. Found 'em having chariot races in armchairs with obstacles. Being a guest, was asked to be passenger; nothing broken but the chair. Musical lot, too. Have great formula when they want a song from anyone, "Will you come to the piano, or will you be fetched?" They generally come. Rather late before I got back. Never knew a camp with so many confounded tent ropes.

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_Thursday._--Annual inspection. Filthy day. Inspected every ten minutes, with slight interval for showers. Was hurried off to a piquet. Rushed out patrols and sentries somewhere. Got told to alter 'em. If you wanted to know anything you were told to ask some one else. Always the same game. Hardly a soul knows what they're supposed to be doing. You're not certain yourself, and if you are, you haven't time to tell your men. So everyone produces little red books, and studies "What to do and How to do it," by "One who thinks he knows." No wonder the regulars jibe at us; it's astonishing we're as good as we are. Everybody a bit off to-day.

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_Friday._--Paraded half an hour earlier, as we had about seven miles to march to the rendezvous. Tried to stop my fellows from emptying their water-bottles at the first halt. It would do 'em good if the water-cart got lost for once, and they had to make the contents of their bottles last them the day.

Find we're to act as rearguard to something. Got told off to occupy a bit of a wood right away on the flank. Thank goodness they haven't told me what to do or how long to hold on, or anything, so I shall get out of touch as soon as I can and play off my own bat. Rather good little wood. Men awfully keen on the job. Soon after we occupied position, spotted party of the enemy coming through gap in the hills. Couldn't see them very well on account of the haze, so waited till they got fairly near, and then gave 'em a volley. They sent an orderly over to know what the deuce I meant by firing on the ambulance. Felt rather an ass, but found out afterwards every party they had passed had paid them the same compliment. Soon after scout came in with news of enemy. I wanted to ambush 'em, but some silly fool fired without orders, so it became a regular attack. Put three companies out of action before we retired, but cut it rather too fine, and a few of my chaps got collared. Found the rest of the rearguard had cleared before. Some of 'em mistook us for the bally foe, and blazed into us like old boots. Rotted 'em no end when we got up to them. Everything got in the most awful muddle after a bit; no one knew who was which. After the "Cease fire" sounded came across a lot of chaps firing like mad at anybody who came near. Told 'em the "Cease fire" had gone. "'Cease fire' be damned!" said one of them. "We ain't had a look in till now!"

Rather rough time getting back to camp. Thought at one time half my lot were going to fall out, so went for 'em like anything. Called 'em a "bally lot of school-girls out for a Sunday-school treat," which upset them somewhat, so they bucked up and not one caved in, although we were all pretty well "baked."

Awfully festive night. The Wildshires had a camp fire, nearly all the Brigade turned out. Any amount of choruses. Had fearful "rag" afterwards. Scotson got hold of a wheelbarrow, formed a machine-gun detachment, and rushed the Southshires' lines. Awfully "pi" lot, and got very sick. Whenever they started to object charged 'em with the "Maxim," and drove 'em to earth. When I got back found my tent struck and a note on it begging me not to disturb the Colonel when pitching it. Got out my blankets, rolled up in them, and slept outside.

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_Saturday._--Find I'm stuck in charge of the baggage. Must see if I can manage it without the usual row. Rather nice fellow is the A.S.C. in charge of transport. Told him we'd got it all ready, and he needn't worry. Shall just have time for my fellows to get breakfast and then slip into it. Everything seems all serene, so I'll get a bite myself.

Oh, my Aunt Maria! I wish if they give a fellow a job to do they'd leave him to do it. Found everybody pitching the stuff up into the wagons anyhow. How ever it got sorted out, goodness knows. Had rather a row with the A.S.C. chap; told him he was muddling everything up. Seemed to think a Volunteer can't possibly know anything, but considering half my men come from the railway, I'll back them against all comers for loading a truck. Started at last, about half an hour late. More trouble at the station; only two trucks there instead of the five indented for. My stock of ornamental profanity barely sufficient for the occasion. Finally managed somehow. Loaded up passenger coaches, horse boxes, anything; but men awfully sulky. Thought they were going to curse the Major when he wanted to know why everything wasn't done. Got rotted by young Blenkinsop for mucking the show up. Major awfully good chap on these occasions; told me it's absolutely unavoidable when we have to manage to get a day's work done in about three hours. Told ripping good jest against himself when _he_ was on baggage duty years ago. Must try it again next year to see if I can do it differently. Only one or two things gone wrong after all, by some miracle.

Home again. Feel rather tired. Jolly good camp, though. Hope next year's will be as good.

No. 4.

Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS.

_Saturday._--'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting; 'e wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were wages. Told 'im I would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows when we gets back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if I 'eard of any goings on with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted to right enough, I'd spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be walkin' 'er out instead o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that Bill's a very sensible chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect bloomin' idjet at drill, always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made me a bit late for parade, but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a wonder. Usually 'is temper's awful if things don't go as he likes. He cocked 'is bloomin' eye-glass at me, tho', in a way as made me think 'e was going to start cussin'. Twasn't bad with all the village looking on, an' we marched off in style.

Got told off to the baggage guard at the station. Blessed if I don't think it was for being late for p'rade. Warn't sorry when the train started, as one of the chaps 'ad got hold of four bottles of beer as was all right. Just before the train stops our Serjint, 'e ses, "Look after our own company's baggage, an' never mind what anybody ses." But we 'adn't more than about started when a off'cer on a horse comes along an' wants to know who's in charge an' where is 'e. I tells 'im, an' then he ses we can't be all day over the job, an' we're to put all this lot into that truck. We ses we was told to put it in t'other. "Put it where _I_ tell you," 'e ses. Bimeby along comes our off'cer, an' just takes one look at us, an' then started fairly in. As our Corp'ril said afterwards, it were a treat. I'd 'ave given the price of a pint to 'ave been able to sit still an' listen to 'im, an' yet to look at 'im in the ordinary way you'd think he couldn't get further than "Dash it all!" Then up comes the off'cer on the 'orse. "Are you in charge of this guard?" ses 'e. "Yes," ses our off'cer. "Well, you'll never get away at this rate, an' there's three more Battalions to detrain after you, an' I must 'ave those trucks back from the camp by six o'clock." "Very good; they will be here," ses our man. "Not at this rate," ses t'other. "My dear fellow," ses our off'cer, "my men aint regulars, but they can manage it all right in their own way if you'll leave 'em alone; but you're simply muddlin' us up now." "Can't help that," ses t'other. "I'm only responsible for the trucks, and they must be got away at once." "I'm responsible for the baggage," ses our man. "Either leave the job to me or take the whole thing over." "Oh, do as you like. I don't care a damn," ses the one on the 'orse. "No more do I," ses our off'cer. So we gets it together somehow an' marches off, the bloomin' traction-engine a-goin' about five miles an 'our an' we tryin' to keep up, all of us cussin' at everything. Don't catch me on a baggage guard again in a 'urry.

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_Sunday._--Bit tired to-day. Couldn't get much sleep las' night; some of the chaps 'adn't been to camp afore, an' wouldn't shake down quiet. Kep' growlin' at everything. Off'cer comes round wantin' to know what the noise were about. I tells 'im as George Hitchins 'udn't shut up, an' let us get to sleep. "'It 'im on the 'ed with a boot," ses the off'cer, an' I 'ad a bloomin' good mind to. Church p'rade in the mornin'. Never 'eard a blessed word till we got to the hymns. Dinner pretty right, but could 'ave done with more of it. Beer at the canteen not 'arf as good as we gets at the old "King's Arms." Went out with some of our chaps in the afternoon an' 'ad a sleep in a wood. Not 'arf a bad day. If t'were goin' to be all same as this, I wouldn't mind.

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_Monday._--Jack Houghton, as was Tent Orderly to-day, goes an' trips over one of the tent ropes when he were bringing the coffee, an' spilt most of it. Tried to get some more, but couldn't, so docked 'im of 'is share; even then we was precious short. Section drill all the morning. Never saw the off'cers so savage--nothing would please them; they're fairly easy all the year, but they makes up for it in camp. Not but what some of the chaps want it--lots of 'em goes on enough to break a feller's 'eart, an' then we all gets the blame.

That there Houghton got hold of the wrong kettle at dinner an' come back with No. 5's grub, which, as they're only seven in their tent to our eight, warn't good enough. Complained to the off'cer as come round. 'E said if we couldn't look after ourselves better than that, we must take the consequences. That's all very fine, but it don't feed us. Made Houghton stand 'arf a gallon to the tent. 'E ses camp's a bloomin' swindle. If there's one thing I 'ates it is cleaning up the camp; the other companies chucks their rubbish into our lines, but t'aint no use to say so, you only gets shut up.

Got jawed at for a bit o' dirt in my rifle as you couldn't see. "Clean it again," ses our Leftenant. "I've cleaned the thing forty times," I ses. "Forty-one's your lucky number," 'e ses; "try again." Went for a stroll in the evenin', but these 'ere camps is too far away from anything to please me.

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_Tuesday._--My day as Tent Orderly. I never see such a lot of chaps to grumble as our tent. Fust of all the bread warn't right, then I 'adn't got enough coffee, an' the bacon was done too much--why 'adn't I kicked up a row? "Look 'ere," I ses, "you bloomin' well take wot you gets, an' if you aint satisfied you complain to the off'cer of the day; _'e_ won't stand much of yer lip. I know my work," I ses, "an' I done it."

Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to want. "There," I ses to our company cook, "'ow's that?" "Why, you've bin an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. "An' then yer tent will be hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. _I_ know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure enough they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. I shall be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 'Ad narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to spare when you're Orderly.

Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying all sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairly sick of it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best company 'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't mind being shoved about.

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_Wednesday._--We was practised in advanced guard the first thing this morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm blowed if yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed up. Afore we starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed to do; _'e_ may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest if any of us did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant to be doin', an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a patrol to examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of sight one of 'em starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the back wi' the butt just to remind 'im as I was in command. The Major come along jist then an' asks me what we was? I tells 'im as we were a patrol, an' 'e tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to report to the Captain.