Part 1

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OUR BATTALION

by

L. RAVEN-HILL.

"Punch" Office 10, Bouverie Street London E.C.

OUR BATTALION.

Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ltd., Printers, London and Tonbridge.

OUR BATTALION

Being some slight impressions of His Majesty's Auxiliary Forces, in Camp and Elsewhere.

by

L. RAVEN-HILL.

_"An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it."_

RUDYARD KIPLING.

London: "Punch" Office, 10, Bouverie St., E.C. 1902.

[_All Rights Reserved._]

Contents.

PAGE Recruits 9

On Instructin' 14

The System 19

On the G.O.C. 28

The Seven Ages of the Volunteer 32

What Might Happen 34

The Lost Patrol 47

Camp Diaries:

No. 1. Lt.-Col. Sir Digby Sandilands, M.P. 59

No. 2. Capt. and Adjt. "Jerry" Benson 66

No. 3. 2nd Lieutenant Fitzgerald Lawless 78

No. 4. Pte. Timothy Simmons 93

Blank Cartridges 102

Illustrations.

PAGE

3 a.m. _Frontispiece._

The "Manual" 13

Not to be Trifled with 17

Flag-wagging 18

Our First Puttie Parade 24-25

Field Training 27

The Firing Exercise 35

Our Review 40-41

Army Orders 43

Patrols 46

A Fair Samaritan 51

Our N.C.O.'s (No. 1) 52

Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2) 53

Hints for Patrols 54

The Best Laid Schemes, etc. 56-57

A Conundrum 65

Studies 70

Ambushed 72-73

Field-Day Reflections 75

Tactics 76

Field-Day Tragedies 77

Philosophies 85

M.G. 86

More Army Reforms 88-89

On Guard 91

A Misunderstanding 92

Outposts 101

At Last! 104-105

Off Duty 108

Trouble in the Band 109

Our Battalion.

RECRUITS.

The boy hesitated as he looked down the wet street of the little country town.

"I've 'arf a mind not to go," he said, "blessed if I ain't----;" then, after a pause, with hands in pockets and coat collar turned up, he lounged off, muttering, "I'll see what Bill ses."

Bill was waiting at the corner, looking somewhat sheepishly at the miscellaneous display in a "general" shop window.

"Goin'?" he said, as the other came up. "Don't think I shall--at any rate not to-night."

A depressing silence ensued, until a smart lad, with belt and bayonet, came by whistling and hailed them.

"Wot O! Bill; you ought to be down at the ord'ly room by now, the sergeant's bin there ever so long. I told 'im I'd bring you two along to-night. Wot are you scared about?" he continued, eyeing them critically.

"Ain't scared about nothing; we was only waiting till the rain cleared off."

"Well, 'urry up, I've got to go to the Arm'ry."

"All right," said the first boy. "Come on, Bill."

The boys stared furtively round the orderly-room, a little box partitioned off from the disused malt-house that served as drill shed. On the walls were highly-coloured posters, setting forth the various advantages of his Majesty's services, while in the corner a jumble of arms and equipment and a half-opened case of rifles caused them to nudge each other. A huge Sergeant was writing at a table covered with Army forms, drill books, and parade registers, amongst which a couple of cartridges attracted their attention.

"Ball cartridge, mark four," whispered the leading lad carelessly to the others.

"Ullo, what's this?" said the Sergeant. "Recruits? That's right. Shut the door be'ind you, an' keep out the cold. I'm glad to see the lads about here is waking up, an' I wish more 'ud copy their example! Them cripples in the next village ain't got enough spirit to get up a dog-fight, let alone learn 'ow to 'andle a rifle; all they're fit for is funerals. Now let's look at you," he continued, and the deep-set grey eyes ran swiftly over the lads. "You'll do all right. Now, listen to me; afore ye signs on, I've got to read over a lot o' reg'lashuns to ye, so as you'll clearly understand what ye're promisin' to do. Now reg'lashuns is like Acts of Parlyment, no two persons can agree as to what they mean, so you won't understand them, probably; but that's not important, as my experience of the ways o' Gov'mint teaches me that they'll be altered shortly, so there's no need for ye to worry. But the _one_ thing ye have to do is, to do as ye're told; attend to that now. It's the blessid privilege of the volunteer to endeavour to make himself a soldier in spite of all obstacles, an' what the reg'lar takes months to learn, an' the militia weeks, 'e 'as to try and do in _days_, so 'tis no picnic if 'e's goin' to do 'is duty. An' duty don't mean church parades, an' the annual dinner, an' as little else as you can; duty means everything you can possibly do, an' it's the pride of a good lad, that if there's an extry job o' work to be done, e's the lad that'll do it; for there's none better than a keen Volunteer, an' no one worse than a slack one, that'll turn up smart when the drinks is free, but is most unduly anxious about 'is master's business on other occasions, a nuisince to 'is sergeant, 'is captin', 'is colonel, an' 'is country; an' if I thought you were that sort I'd send ye to the right-about now, but I think, by yer looks, ye have the makings o' soldiers. Now, if there's anything ye want to know, now's the time to ask. What's that? Ye don't know if ye're up to standard? Fancy a lad 'avin' the face to ask me that! Why, when I was a boy, with a couple o' corks in me heels, an' a wisp o' straw under me waistcut, I'd a' passed for a giant. When you've learnt to throw a chest and hold yer heads up, yer own mothers won't know yer. Now, after I've read over these 'ere reg'lashuns, ye'll sign these papers, an' when the doctor's passed you, go an' tell yer best girls that ye'll 'ave yer futtygraphs took d'rectly yer uniforms is ready. You will p'rade at seven o'clock, sharp, mind ye, nex' Monday."

* * * * *

"Recruitin's a funny business!" muttered the Sergeant; officially Colour-Sergeant Instructor of E Company 1st Downshire Volunteer Rifles, a Battalion scattered over half a county, unofficially "Tiny," for the most obvious reasons. "'Tis a funny business, at least in these parts; p'raps it's different in London and them 'ere big towns, but if we told 'em all we was supposed to tell 'em, as it's laid down, 'twould frighten 'arf of 'em off the job; while if yer tell 'em in their own way, yer can get 'em to do anything. They say ye must _lead_ a Volunteer, not _drive_ 'im, but 'pon me soul I think a judicious push is what 'e wants mostly."

ON INSTRUCTIN'.

"Tiny" was in a shocking temper.

"No one thinks 'igher of the Volunteers than I do," he said to the Junior Subaltern. "But now an' then they gives me the fair 'ump. Look at this 'ere las' business. Fust of all they 'olds out as they ought to be considered part of the country's forces, instead of being shoved out of the way, so to speak. Quite right. Bimeby along comes a reg'lashun as they don't like. Wot do they do then? Take it quiet like the harmy does, an' do the best they can? No, they writes to the papers and gets up in the 'Ouse and kicks up a row till it's knocked off. A reg'lashun _hain't_ a reg'lashun when it applies to Volunteers. If that's their notion o' discipline, no wonder the reg'lars looks down on 'em. What if it did send their numbers down a bit; the rest 'ud be all the better for it: some good men would 'ave to go, but you take it from me, Sir, the best of 'em would manage to stay. If a lad ain't fond enough of it to give up enough time to make a soldier of 'isself, 'e oughtn't to join, an' if there ain't enough of 'em who do it, the sooner they're made to the better; there's plenty as can find time enough for football or anything o' that sort, but duty don't suit them. 'It's a free country,' ses they. It is, Sir. It's a good deal too free in more ways than one.

"Not but what you wants tact, Sir, in dealin' with Volunteers. For instance, you comes down to drill the recruits, an' instead of a crowd of intelligent lads, all anxious for to learn the rudiments o' squad drill, you find a lonely and depressed lookin' lad, that would 'ave recollected an engagement connected with a drink in about two minutes. Now, what are you to do? You can't call it a drill, and it'll take the heart out of 'im if you send 'im off. An' mind you, often it's none so easy in a country Battalion, with one company 'ere an' another there, an' a detachment in the nex' village, for the best of lads to put his drills in. There aint no drill 'alls with canteen attachments, and sergeants' mess, an' readin' rooms, so as a chap can pass a pleasant evening any time 'e likes; that's doin' it in style, Sir. But what are you goin' to do? 'Fall in,' ses you, 'an' dress by the right. Stop that talkin' in the ranks,' ses you. 'I'm glad to see there's _one_ recruit at least as is fond of 'is duty, tho' 'e'd look better,' ses you, 'if 'e'd 'old 'is 'ead up. Now actin',' ses you, 'as a rear rank, the front rank not being in their places, and 'aving been numbered off from the right which you 'aven't, and supposin' the first two men is elsewhere, what would you do on the command "Form fours?" It's not a guessin' competition,' ses you. 'Don't know,' ses 'e. 'Well, you'll learn in time,' ses you. 'We will now proceed to something which is not laid down in the drill book, an' on which the Reg'lashuns,' ses you, 'is discreetly silent. Whenever you 'appen to be on sentry go an' the 'armless passer by that 'as been celebratin' 'is birthday won't listen to yer words o' wisdom, but wants to 'ug you round the neck, don't bring yer baynit down to the charge, or any foolishness of that sort, although you've bin expressly told to do it, but gently but firmly drop the butt on 'is toes, an' you'll experience all the delight o' hurtin' a fellow creature, without,' ses you, 'any unpleasantness at the inquiry afterwards. Right turn. Dismiss,' ses you. 'Return the arms to the racks quietly an' without noise, an' tell the rest of the squad when you see 'em that you know a bit more than they do.'"

THE SYSTEM.

"I don't know whether you've observed it or not, Sir," said "Tiny" to the Junior Subaltern, "but in this great an' glorious country no one ever starts on a job without providing 'imself with something to throw the blame on in case 'e loses the trick. Sometimes they blame procedure an' sometimes the Constitution; in our case 'tis the System. What that system is no one even pretends to know. In one respect it's like the Reg'lashuns; everybody starts off in the same way when discussing of 'em. You never yet met anyone that didn't preface 'is remarks on the subject with 'As far as I can understand,' an' that's about as far as 'e _can_.

"The ord'nary man that runs a bank, or a railway, or a hire-purchase pianner works, would think to 'isself, ''Ere's the old country, bless 'er, an 'ere's the boys to defend 'er. Now, if the brutil an' licentious foe is dumped down on these 'ere shores, 'e won't go c'lectin' seaweed, neither will 'e pause for to admire the landscape, but, d'rectly the pistol's fired, 'e'll get off the mark, an' make a bee line for the winning post. Now the question is, can these boys stop 'im or can they not? If they can, they must be got ready for the job, an' if they can't, we ain't running a Charity Bazaar, and I ain't going to pay anything for what's worth nothing, so we'll 'ave to think up something else.' But that haint the way they looks at it, bless yer 'eart. 'Why, you've forgotten the votes,' ses the Gov'mint. 'What in the name o' goodness 'as that got to do with it?' ses the plain man. 'Poor hinnocent creature!' ses the Gov'mint, an' turns an' addresses the deputation:--

"'Friends! Fellow citizens! Gallant an' patriotic defenders of our island 'ome! You are unique in the history of this terrestral sphere. There is not another country,' ses he, 'as would treat you as you're treated here. Yer self-sacrificin' spirit is the joy o' me heart, an' if there's not enough troops to go round I will allow you to line the back streets when processions is on, but yer "present arms" is a disgrace an' yer marchin' past makes me cold down the spine. Yer shooting--well, we will pass that. But for your sense o' duty the curse of conscription would be weighin' on us, so let me point out the necessity of keeping your numbers up.'

"But to answer the question of me noble friend, we 'ave not forgotten the great object for which you exist. In the disastrous an' unparalleled catastrophe of foreign invasion, which we 'ope will never come to pass, but which, if it does, we trust will happen when the Opposition is in power--if, I say, at that momentuous time, you should be found unequal to the task, our plans is made. If our opponents is in, we shall demand a General Election an' promptly proceed to throw them out; but, if by some mistake _we_ should be managing the vessel o' state at the time, we shall throw the blame on our predecessors for neglecting to train you properly. So our minds is easy as to the future. 'There's some guns we don't want in the corner, an' you can wear putties if you pay for them yourselves,' ses the Gov'mint, 'an' we trust to you to vote straight at the nex' Election.'

"Then the Volunteer Off'cer, being by nature contrary, wants to know something about 'is duties an' ses to the Gov'mint, 'Yer remarks is excellent an' to the point, but what can I do to correct me errors?' 'Anything you like,' ses the Gov'mint, cheerfully, 'that's not agin the Reg'lashuns.' 'I give up my time,' ses the Volunteer, 'an' pay for nearly everything out of my own pocket, an' I'm anxious for to learn, but I ain't a prophet,' ses 'e. 'Give me someone to teach me.' 'I'll do anything you like in reason,' ses the Gov'mint, 'but I will not train you.' 'Tell me how to teach myself, then,' ses the Volunteer. 'I don't know an' I don't care,' ses the Gov'mint, 'but I'll spare the time to examine you if you pay yer expenses. An' meanwhile I will regard you in the light of a nuisance.' An' so matters 'ave stood, the Volunteer trying to do 'is best an' the Gov'mint doin' its level to stop 'im at it.

"But now, along comes the General. 'Th' Army's not big enough,' 'e ses. 'we must 'ave more men or I won't be responsible for breakages,' 'e ses. 'Serious?' ses the Gov'mint. 'Very,' ses the General. 'What am I to do?' ses the Gov'mint. 'Conscrip,' ses the General. 'I daren't,' ses the Gov'mint in a whisper; 'the Opposition 'ud get in at the next election.' 'The country requires it,' ses the General. '_Does_ it?' ses the Gov'mint. 'It requires _us_ more; it would be as much as my place is worth to ask every man to do his duty, an' besides, there's me brave and devoted Volunteers.' 'They'll never be any real good till they have the M'litia Ballot be'ind 'em,' ses the General. 'They're asking for it themselves,' ses he. 'Never will I consent to force any one,' ses the Gov'mint, 'in this Land of Freedom.' 'Something must be done,' ses the General. 'Ah,' ses the Gov'mint, 'I have it! Crowd them--I mean the Volunteers--for all you're worth, an' if anything busts, we can throw the blame on them. Increase the work an' cut down the pay, 'tis a sound business principle. Now to turn to more important questions. Is the new cap to have a peak, or is it not? An' who is it to be named after?'"

ON THE G.O.C.

"The Junior Off'cers," said "Tiny" to the youngest Subaltern, "is on the whole as smart an' efficient a lot of young gents as I'd wish to see, fond o' their work, eager to learn, an' ready to take suggestions from their Comp'ny Instructors, but if you listen to them you'd think they was Generals. They may not know 'ow to c'mmand a comp'ny as they should, but there never was one of 'em who, after being a week at Aldershot, but what could have devised an' carried out a course of trainin' that would have been twice as good an' ten times more suitable to the requiremints of _their_ Battalion at any rate.

"It's true they don't go into details, but they're sure of the results. 'But,' I ses, 'think of the poor man that's in charge of all these 'ere Auxiliary Forces, d'you think 'e got the billet for 'is looks?' I ses. 'The General,' ses you, 'can't know the Volunteer like the Volunteer 'isself does.' 'Now, put yerself in his place,' ses I, 'an' let's work the sum out to four places o' decimals. To commence with,' ses I, 'the first thing 'e does on being appointed to the job is to go an' 'ave a chat with the Gov'mint on the subjec'. Ses he, 'I've bin studyin' the thing.' 'I know ye 'ave,' ses the Gov'mint; 'that's why you've got the place. We want a man as understan's the machine; it wants over'aulin' before we goes on tour with it. Not simply washin' out the bearin's an' replatin' the 'andle bars, but takin' to bits, an' shovin' together agin. Yer predecessor, poor man, did 'is best, but----, well, _de mortuis_, you know, _de mortuis_.' A sweet sentimint, Sir, but one tendin' to untruthfulness. 'So,' ses the Gov'mint, 'you see 'ow the matter stands. 'Ere is the great mass of patriotic defenders of this glorious country, ready to be trained into a force that shall be the envy an' hatred of every Foreign Power. 'Tis a noble an' inspirin' prospec' that unrolls itself before you, an' one that should stimulate yer vital energies to their utmost; the 'arder the work to you, the greater the glory to us. You 'ave a free 'and in the matter.'

"'Well,' ses the General, 'takin' into consideration that, if the Volunteers is ever wanted, they'll be wanted in a hurry, I should suggest that they might be advantageously employed in fitting themselves for the task.' 'Excellent,' ses the Gov'mint; 'why ever wasn't it thought of before? Go on,' ses he. 'They should be trained,' ses the General, 'to the use of the most modern weapons, an' practised in the lessons which we 'ave learned by bitter experience, to the end that, in the event of an invasion, threatened or actual, every unit shall be able to take the field without delay, sufficiently organised an' equipped to carry it through a short campaign.' 'Marvellous!' ses the Gov'mint. 'It's my dream realised. I will be interviewed on the matter to-morrow.' 'Of course,' ses the General, 'this will undoubtedly entail a certain amount of hextra expense.' 'Not another word!' ses the Gov'mint. 'All bets is off! Train 'em, give 'em transport, stand 'em on their 'eads, or teach 'em to sing; anything you like as long as it don't cost anything. Take a fresh start,' ses 'e.

"So the General sits down with 'is Staff an' 'ammers away at it, an' cuts down the bills till 'e ain't givin' more than fifteen pence for 'arf-a-crown's worth of stuff, an' by an' by, round comes the Gov'mint. 'I've dropped in to see 'ow we're getting on,' ses 'e. 'Some of the corps,' ses the General, 'wants training in one way, I find, an' some in others, so I propose that the Commanding Off'cers of the various districts should adapt the training to the requirements of the troops under their command, an' should carry it out wherever we consider it would be most advantageous.' 'Splendid,' ses the Gov'mint. 'Speak it into the funnygraph that I may listen to it by nights. We'll do it,' ses 'e, 'at some future date. Just now I want ye to get 'em all together in one spot where the correspondents of the Daily Press can see an' realize from their own personal observation what a mighty weapon we are creatin'. The spectacle of tens of thousands of our brave defenders practisin' together the evolutions of war will be amazin' to them. Never again will they dare assert that we are neglectin' the defences of the country. The next three elections,' ses the Gov'mint, 'ought to be certs.'

"'But,' ses the G.O.C., 'there won't be space to train quarter of them properly.' 'Oh, never mind,' ses the Gov'mint, 'give 'em enough room to turn round, an' stick a sintry on every telegraph pole, an' tell 'em it's all practice; they won't know any better. Hevins an' earth! I ought to be playin' Bridge with Lady Betty by now! Tar-tar,' ses 'e; 'be good.'

"'Well,' ses the G.O.C., goin' to the sideboard an' mixing a couple o' stiff ones, 'wash it down with that,' 'e ses, givin' one to 'is Staff. 'Well, of all the dam nonsense!' 'e ses, fallin' into a chair. ''Twas ever thus,' ses the Staff, bein' by nature poetic.

"An' now, Sir," said "Tiny" to the Junior Subaltern, "things bein' like this, what would _you_ do under the circumstances?"

The Seven Ages of the Volunteer.