Part 28

AMERICAN. The Germans are great readers. Vurry stimulating practice. I read most anything myself! [_The GERMAN holds up the book so that the title may be read._] "Don Quixote"--fine book. We Amurricans take considerable stock in old man Quixote. Bit of a wild-cat--but we don't laugh at him.

GERMAN. He is dead. Dead as a sheep. A good thing, too.

AMERICAN. In Amurrica we have still quite an amount of chivalry.

GERMAN. Chivalry is nothing--sentimentalisch. In modern days--no good. A man must push, he must pull.

AMERICAN. So you say. But I judge your form of chivalry is sacrifice to the state. We allow more freedom to the individual soul. Where there's something little and weak, we feel it kind of noble to give up to it. That way we feel elevated. [_As he speaks there is seen in the corridor doorway the LITTLE MAN, with the WOMAN'S BABY still on his arm and the bundle held in the other hand. He peers in anxiously. The ENGLISH, acutely conscious, try to dissociate themselves from his presence with their papers. The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

GERMAN. Ach! So!

AMERICAN. Dear me!

LITTLE MAN. Is there room? I can't find a seat.

AMERICAN. Why, yes! There's a seat for one.

LITTLE MAN [_depositing bundle outside, and heaving BABY_]. May I?

AMERICAN. Come right in! [_The GERMAN sulkily moves his bag. The LITTLE MAN comes in and seats himself gingerly._]

AMERICAN. Where's the mother?

LITTLE MAN [_ruefully_]. Afraid she got left behind. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The ENGLISH unconsciously emerge from their newspapers._]

AMERICAN. My! That would appear to be quite a domestic incident. [_The ENGLISHMAN suddenly utters a profound "Ha, Ha!" and disappears behind his paper. And that paper and the one opposite are seen to shake, and little squirls and squeaks emerge._]

GERMAN. And you haf got her bundle, and her baby. Ha! [_He cackles dryly._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. I smile. I guess Providence has played it pretty low down on you. I judge it's acted real mean. [_The BABY wails, and the LITTLE MAN jigs it with a sort of gentle desperation, looking apologetically from face to face. His wistful glance renews the fire of merriment wherever it alights. The AMERICAN alone preserves a gravity which seems incapable of being broken._]

AMERICAN. Maybe you'd better get off right smart and restore that baby. There's nothing can act madder than a mother.

LITTLE MAN. Poor thing; yes! What she must be suffering! [_A gale of laughter shakes the carriage. The ENGLISH for a moment drop their papers, the better to indulge. The LITTLE MAN smiles a wintry smile._]

AMERICAN [_in a lull_]. How did it eventuate?

LITTLE MAN. We got there just as the train was going to start; and I jumped, thinking I could help her up. But it moved too quickly, and--and--left her. [_The gale of laughter blows up again._]

AMERICAN. Guess I'd have thrown the baby out.

LITTLE MAN. I was afraid the poor little thing might break. [_The BABY wails; the LITTLE MAN heaves it; the gale of laughter blows._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. It's highly entertaining--not for the baby. What kind of an old baby is it, anyway? [_He sniffs._] I judge it's a bit--niffy.

LITTLE MAN. Afraid I've hardly looked at it yet.

AMERICAN. Which end up is it?

LITTLE MAN. Oh! I think the right end. Yes, yes, it is.

AMERICAN. Well, that's something. Guess I should hold it out of winder a bit. Vurry excitable things, babies!

ENGLISHWOMAN [_galvanized_]. No, no!

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her knee_]. My dear!

AMERICAN. You are right, ma'am. I opine there's a draught out there. This baby is precious. We've all of us got stock in this baby in a manner of speaking. This is a little bit of universal brotherhood. Is it a woman baby?

LITTLE MAN. I--I can only see the top of its head.

AMERICAN. You can't always tell from that. It looks kind of over-wrapped-up. Maybe it had better be unbound.

GERMAN. Nein, nein, nein!

AMERICAN. I think you are vurry likely right, colonel. It might be a pity to unbind that baby. I guess the lady should be consulted in this matter.

ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, yes, of course--I--

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her_]. Let it be! Little beggar seems all right.

AMERICAN. That would seem only known to Providence at this moment. I judge it might be due to humanity to look at its face.

LITTLE MAN [_gladly_]. It's sucking my finger. There, there--nice little thing--there!

AMERICAN. I would surmise you have created babies in your leisure moments, sir?

LITTLE MAN. Oh! no--indeed, no.

AMERICAN. Dear me! That is a loss. [_Addressing himself to the carriage at large._] I think we may esteem ourselves fortunate to have this little stranger right here with us; throws a vurry tender and beautiful light on human nature. Demonstrates what a hold the little and weak have upon us nowadays. The colonel here--a man of blood and iron--there he sits quite ca'm next door to it. [_He sniffs._] Now, this baby is ruther chastening--that is a sign of grace, in the colonel--that is true heroism.

LITTLE MAN [_faintly_]. I--I can see its face a little now. [_All bend forward._]

AMERICAN. What sort of a physiognomy has it, anyway?

LITTLE MAN [_still faintly_]. I don't see anything but--but spots.

GERMAN. Oh! Ha! Pfui! [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

AMERICAN. I am told that is not uncommon amongst babies. Perhaps we could have you inform us, ma'am.

ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, of course--only--what sort of--

LITTLE MAN. They seem all over its--[_At the slight recoil of everyone._] I feel sure it's--it's quite a good baby underneath.

AMERICAN. That will be ruther difficult to come at. I'm just a bit sensitive. I've vurry little use for affections of the epidermis.

GERMAN. Pfui! [_He has edged away as far as he can get, and is lighting a big cigar. The DUTCH YOUTH draws his legs back._]

AMERICAN [_also taking out a cigar_]. I guess it would be well to fumigate this carriage. Does it suffer, do you think?

LITTLE MAN [_peering_]. Really, I don't--I'm not sure--I know so little about babies. I think it would have a nice expression--if--if it showed.

AMERICAN. Is it kind of boiled-looking?

LITTLE MAN. Yes--yes, it is.

AMERICAN [_looking gravely round_]. I judge this baby has the measles. [_The GERMAN screws himself spasmodically against the arm of the ENGLISHWOMAN's seat._]

ENGLISHWOMAN. Poor little thing! Shall I--? [_She half-rises._]

ENGLISHMAN [_touching her_]. No, no--Dash it!

AMERICAN. I honor your emotion, ma'am. It does credit to us all. But I sympathize with your husband too. The measles is a vurry important pestilence in connection with a grown woman.

LITTLE MAN. It likes my finger awfully. Really, it's rather a sweet baby.

AMERICAN [_sniffing_]. Well, that would appear to be quite a question. About them spots, now? Are they rosy?

LITTLE MAN. No--o; they're dark, almost black.

GERMAN. Gott! Typhus! [_He bounds up onto the arm of the ENGLISHWOMAN's seat._]

AMERICAN. Typhus! That's quite an indisposition! [_The DUTCH YOUTH rises suddenly, and bolts out into the corridor. He is followed by the GERMAN, puffing clouds of smoke. The ENGLISH and AMERICAN sit a moment longer without speaking. The ENGLISHWOMAN's face is turned with a curious expression--half-pity, half-fear--toward the LITTLE MAN. Then the ENGLISHMAN gets up._]

ENGLISHMAN. Bit stuffy for you here, dear, isn't it? [_He puts his arm through hers, raises her, and almost pushes her through the doorway. She goes, still looking back._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. There's nothing I admire more'n courage. Guess I'll go and smoke in the corridor. [_As he goes out the LITTLE MAN looks very wistfully after him. Screwing up his mouth and nose, he holds the BABY away from him and wavers; then rising, he puts it on the seat opposite and goes through the motions of letting down the window. Having done so he looks at the BABY, who has begun to wail. Suddenly he raises his hands and clasps them, like a child praying. Since, however, the BABY does not stop wailing, he hovers over it in indecision; then, picking it up, sits down again to dandle it, with his face turned toward the open window. Finding that it still wails, he begins to sing to it in a cracked little voice. It is charmed at once. While he is singing, the AMERICAN appears in the corridor. Letting down the passage window, he stands there in the doorway with the draught blowing his hair and the smoke of his cigar all about him. The LITTLE MAN stops singing and shifts the shawl higher, to protect the BABY's head from the draught._]

AMERICAN [_gravely_]. This is the most sublime spectacle I have ever envisaged. There ought to be a record of this. [_The LITTLE MAN looks at him, wondering._] We have here a most stimulating epitome of our marvelous advance toward universal brotherhood. You are typical, sir, of the sentiments of modern Christianity. You illustrate the deepest feelings in the heart of every man. [_The LITTLE MAN rises with the BABY and a movement of approach._] Guess I'm wanted in the dining-car. [_He vanishes._] [_The LITTLE MAN sits down again, but back to the engine, away from the draught, and looks out of the window, patiently jogging the BABY on his knee._]

_SCENE III.--An arrival platform. The LITTLE MAN, with the BABY and the bundle, is standing disconsolate, while travelers pass and luggage is being carried by. A STATION OFFICIAL, accompanied by a POLICEMAN, appears from a doorway, behind him._

OFFICIAL [_consulting telegram in his hand_]. Das ist der Herr. [_They advance to the LITTLE MAN._]

OFFICIAL. Sie haben einen Buben gestohlen?

LITTLE MAN. I only speak English and American.

OFFICIAL. Dies ist nicht Ihr Bube? [_He touches the BABY._]

LITTLE MAN [_shaking his head_]. Take care--it's ill. [_The man does not understand._] Ill--the baby--

OFFICIAL [_shaking his head_]. Verstehe nicht. Dis is nod your baby? No?

LITTLE MAN [_shaking his head violently_]. No, it is not. No.

OFFICIAL [_tapping the telegram_]. Gut! You are 'rested. [_He signs to the POLICEMAN, who takes the LITTLE MAN's arm._]

LITTLE MAN. Why? I don't want the poor baby.

OFFICIAL [_lifting the bundle_]. Dies ist nicht Ihr Gepaeck--pag?

LITTLE MAN. No.

OFFICIAL. Gut. You are 'rested.

LITTLE MAN. I only took it for the poor woman. I'm not a thief--I'm--I'm--

OFFICIAL [_shaking head_]. Verstehe nicht. [_The LITTLE MAN tries to tear his hair. The disturbed BABY wails._]

LITTLE MAN [_dandling it as best he can_]. There, there--poor, poor!

OFFICIAL. Halt still! You are 'rested. It is all right.

LITTLE MAN. Where is the mother?

OFFICIAL. She comm by next drain. Das telegram say: Halt einen Herrn mit schwarzem Buben and schwarzem Gepaeck. 'Rest gentleman mit black baby und black--pag. [_The LITTLE MAN turns up his eyes to heaven._]

OFFICIAL. Komm mit us. [_They take the LITTLE MAN toward the door from which they have come. A voice stops them._]

AMERICAN [_speaking from as far away as may be_]. Just a moment! [_The OFFICIAL stops; the LITTLE MAN also stops and sits down on a bench against the wall. The POLICEMAN stands stolidly beside him. The AMERICAN approaches a step or two, beckoning; the OFFICIAL goes up to him._]

AMERICAN. Guess you've got an angel from heaven there! What's the gentleman in buttons for?

OFFICIAL. Was ist das?

AMERICAN. Is there anybody here that can understand Amurrican?

OFFICIAL. Verstehe nicht.

AMERICAN. Well, just watch my gestures. I was saying [_he points to the LITTLE MAN, then makes gestures of flying_], you have an angel from heaven there. You have there a man in whom Gawd [_he points upward_] takes quite an amount of stock. This is a vurry precious man. You have no call to arrest him [_he makes the gesture of arrest_]. No, sir. Providence has acted pretty mean, loading off that baby on him [_he makes the motion of dandling_]. The little man has a heart of gold. [_He points to his heart, and takes out a gold coin._]

OFFICIAL [_thinking he is about to be bribed_]. Aber, das ist _zu_ viel!

AMERICAN. Now, don't rattle me! [_Pointing to the LITTLE MAN._] Man [_pointing to his heart_] Herz [_pointing to the coin_] von Gold. This is a flower of the field--he don't want no gentleman in buttons to pluck him up. [_A little crowd is gathering, including the two ENGLISH, the GERMAN, and the DUTCH YOUTH._]

OFFICIAL. Verstehe absolut nichts. [_He taps the telegram._] Ich muss mein duty do.

AMERICAN. But I'm telling you. This is a good man. This is probably the best man on Gawd's airth.

OFFICIAL. Das macht nichts--gut or no gut, I muss mein duty do. [_He turns to go toward the LITTLE MAN._]

AMERICAN. Oh! Vurry well, arrest him; do your duty. This baby has typhus. [_At the word "typhus" the OFFICIAL stops._]

AMERICAN [_making gestures_]. First-class typhus, black typhus, schwarzen typhus. Now you have it. I'm kind o' sorry for you and the gentleman in buttons. Do your duty!

OFFICIAL. Typhus? Der Bub'--die baby hat typhus?

AMERICAN. I'm telling you.

OFFICIAL. Gott im Himmel!

AMERICAN [_spotting the GERMAN in the little throng_]. Here's a gentleman will corroborate me.

OFFICIAL [_much disturbed, and signing to the POLICEMAN to stand clear_]. Typhus! Aber das ist graesslich!

AMERICAN. I kind o' thought you'd feel like that.

OFFICIAL. Die Sanitaetsmachine! Gleich! [_A PORTER goes to get it. From either side the broken half-moon of persons stand gazing at the LITTLE MAN, who sits unhappily dandling the BABY in the center._]

OFFICIAL [_raising his hands_]. Was zu thun?

AMERICAN. Guess you'd better isolate the baby. [_A silence, during which the LITTLE MAN is heard faintly whistling and clucking to the BABY._]

OFFICIAL [_referring once more to his telegram_]. 'Rest gentleman mit black baby. [_Shaking his head._] Wir must de gentleman hold. [_To the GERMAN._] Bitte, mein Herr, sagen Sie ihm, den Buben zu niedersetzen. [_He makes the gesture of deposit._]

GERMAN [_to the LITTLE MAN_]. He say: Put down the baby. [_The LITTLE MAN shakes his head, and continues to dandle the BABY._]

OFFICIAL. Sie muessen--you must. [_The LITTLE MAN glowers, in silence._]

ENGLISHMAN [_in background--muttering_]. Good man!

GERMAN. His spirit ever denies; er will nicht.

OFFICIAL [_again making his gesture_]. Aber er muss! [_The LITTLE MAN makes a face at him._] Sag' ihm: Instantly put down baby, and komm' mit us. [_The BABY wails._]

LITTLE MAN. Leave the poor ill baby here alone? Be-be-be-d--d first!

AMERICAN [_jumping onto a trunk--with enthusiasm_]. Bully! [_The ENGLISH clap their hands; the DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL is muttering, greatly incensed._]

AMERICAN. What does that body-snatcher say?

GERMAN. He say this man use the baby to save himself from arrest. Very smart--he say.

AMERICAN. I judge you do him an injustice. [_Showing off the LITTLE MAN with a sweep of his arm._] This is a vurry white man. He's got a black baby, and he won't leave it in the lurch. Guess we would all act noble, that way, give us the chance. [_The LITTLE MAN rises, holding out the BABY, and advances a step or two. The half-moon at once gives, increasing its size; the AMERICAN climbs onto a higher trunk. The LITTLE MAN retires and again sits down._]

AMERICAN [_addressing the OFFICIAL_]. Guess you'd better go out of business and wait for the mother.

OFFICIAL [_stamping his foot_]. Die Mutter sall 'rested be for taking out baby mit typhus. Ha! [_To the LITTLE MAN._] Put ze baby down! [_The LITTLE MAN smiles._] Do you 'ear?

AMERICAN [_addressing the OFFICIAL_]. Now, see here. 'Pears to me you don't suspicion just how beautiful this is. Here we have a man giving his life for that old baby that's got no claim on him. This is not a baby of his own making. No, sir, this a vurry Christ-like proposition in the gentleman.

OFFICIAL. Put ze baby down, or ich will gommand someone it to do.

AMERICAN. That will be vurry interesting to watch.

OFFICIAL [_to POLICEMAN_]. Nehmen Sie den Buben. Dake it vrom him. [_The POLICEMAN mutters, but does not._]

AMERICAN [_to the GERMAN_]. Guess I lost that.

GERMAN. He say he is not his officer.

AMERICAN. That just tickles me to death.

OFFICIAL [_looking round_]. Vill nobody dake ze Bub'?

ENGLISHWOMAN [_moving a step--faintly_]. Yes--I--

ENGLISHMAN [_grasping her arm_]. By Jove! Will you!

OFFICIAL [_gathering himself for a great effort to take the BABY, and advancing two steps_]. Zen I gommand you--[_He stops and his voice dies away._] Zit dere!

AMERICAN. My! That's wonderful. What a man this is! What a sublime sense of duty! [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL turns on him, but as he does so the MOTHER of the BABY is seen hurrying._]

MOTHER. Ach! Ach! Mei' Bubi! [_Her face is illumined; she is about to rush to the LITTLE MAN._]

OFFICIAL [_to the POLICEMAN_]. Nimm die Frau! [_The POLICEMAN catches hold of the WOMAN._]

OFFICIAL [_to the frightened WOMAN_]. Warum haben Sie einen Buben mit Typhus mit ausgebracht?

AMERICAN [_eagerly, from his perch_]. What was that? I don't want to miss any.

GERMAN. He say: Why did you a baby with typhus with you bring out?

AMERICAN. Well, that's quite a question. [_He takes out the field-glasses slung around him and adjusts them on the BABY._]

MOTHER [_bewildered_], Mei' Bubi--Typhus--aber Typhus? [_She shakes her head violently._] Nein, nein, nein! Typhus!

OFFICIAL. Er hat Typhus.

MOTHER [_shaking her head_]. Nein, nein, nein!

AMERICAN [_looking through his glasses_]. Guess she's kind of right! I judge the typhus is where the baby's slobbered on the shawl, and it's come off on him. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

OFFICIAL [_turning on him furiously_]. Er hat Typhus.

AMERICAN. Now, that's where you slop over. Come right here. [_The OFFICIAL mounts, and looks through the glasses._]

AMERICAN [_to the LITTLE MAN_]. Skin out the baby's leg. If we don't locate spots on that, it'll be good enough for me. [_The LITTLE MAN fumbles out the BABY's little white foot._]

MOTHER. Mei' Bubi! [_She tries to break away._]

AMERICAN. White as a banana. [_To the OFFICIAL--affably._] Guess you've made kind of a fool of us with your old typhus.

OFFICIAL. Lass die Frau! [_The POLICEMAN lets her go, and she rushes to her BABY._]

MOTHER. Mei' Bubi! [_The BABY, exchanging the warmth of the LITTLE MAN for the momentary chill of its MOTHER, wails._]

OFFICIAL [_descending and beckoning to the POLICEMAN_]. Sie wollen den Herrn accusiren? [_The POLICEMAN takes the LITTLE MAN's arm._]

AMERICAN. What's that? They goin' to pinch him after all? [_The MOTHER, still hugging her BABY, who has stopped crying, gazes at the LITTLE MAN, who sits dazedly looking up. Suddenly she drops on her knees, and with her free hand lifts his booted foot and kisses it._]

AMERICAN [_waving his hat_]. 'Ra! 'Ra! [_He descends swiftly, goes up to the LITTLE MAN, whose arm the POLICEMAN has dropped, and takes his hand._] Brother, I am proud to know you. This is one of the greatest moments I have ever experienced. [_Displaying the LITTLE MAN to the assembled company._] I think I sense the situation when I say that we all esteem it an honor to breathe the rather inferior atmosphere of this station here along with our little friend. I guess we shall all go home and treasure the memory of his face as the whitest thing in our museum of recollections. And perhaps this good woman will also go home and wash the face of our little brother here. I am inspired with a new faith in mankind. We can all be proud of this mutual experience; we have our share in it; we can kind of feel noble. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to present to you a sure-enough saint--only wants a halo, to be transfigured. [_To the LITTLE MAN._] Stand right up. [_The LITTLE MAN stands up bewildered. They come about him. The OFFICIAL bows to him, the POLICEMAN salutes him. The DUTCH YOUTH shakes his head and laughs. The GERMAN draws himself up very straight, and bows quickly twice. The ENGLISHMAN and his wife approach at least two steps, then, thinking better of it, turn to each other and recede. The MOTHER kisses his hand. The PORTER returning with the Sanitaetsmachine, turns it on from behind, and its pinkish shower, goldened by a ray of sunlight, falls around the LITTLE MAN's head, transfiguring it as he stands with eyes upraised to see whence the portent comes._]

AMERICAN [_rushing forward and dropping on his knees_]. Hold on just a minute! Guess I'll take a snap-shot of the miracle. [_He adjusts his pocket camera._] This ought to look bully!

[THE CURTAIN.]