CHAPTER XV
ON THE CONTEMPT OF SELF: HOW IT IS ACQUIRED: ITS PROFIT TO THE SOUL
The more truly a man knows his own misery, the more fully and clearly does he behold the majesty of God. The more vile he is in his own eyes for the sake of God, of truth, and of justice, the more worthy of esteem is he in the eyes of God.
Strive earnestly, therefore, to look on thyself as utterly contemptible, to think thyself unworthy of any benefit, to be displeasing in thine own eyes, but pleasing to God. Desire that others should regard thee as vile and mean.
Learn not to be troubled in tribulations, afflictions, injuries; not to be incensed against those that inflict them, nor to entertain thoughts of resentment against them. Try, on the contrary, sincerely to believe thyself worthy of all injuries, contempt, ill-treatment and scorn.
In truth, he who for God's sake is filled with sorrow and compunction dreads to be honoured and loved by another. He does not refuse to be an object of hatred, or shrink from being trodden under foot and despised as long as he lives, in order that he may practise real humility and cleave in purity of heart to God alone.
It does not require exterior labour or bodily health to love God only, to hate oneself more than all, to desire to seem little in the eyes of others: what is needed is rather repose of the senses, the effort of the heart, silence of the mind.
It is by labouring with the heart, by the inward aspiration of the soul, that thou wilt learn to forsake the base things of earth and to rise to what is heavenly and Divine.
Thus wilt thou become transformed in God, and this the more speedily if, in all sincerity, without condemning or despising thy neighbour, thou desirest to be regarded by all as a reproach and scandal--nay, even to be abhorred as filthy mire, rather than possess the delights of earth, or be honoured and exalted by men, or enjoy any advantage or happiness in this fleeting world.
Have no other desire in this perishable life of the body, no other consolation than unceasingly to weep over, regret and detest thy offences and faults.
Learn utterly to despise thyself, to annihilate thyself and to appear daily more contemptible in the eyes of others.
Strive to become even more unworthy in thine own eyes, in order to please God alone, to love Him only and cling to Him.
Concern not thyself with anything except thy Lord Jesus Christ, Who ought to reign alone in thy affections. Have no solicitude or care save for Him Whose power and Providence give movement and being to all things.[76]
It is not now the time to rejoice but rather to lament with all the sincerity of thy heart.
If thou canst not weep, sorrow at least that thou hast no tears to shed; if thou canst, grieve the more because by the gravity of thy offences and number of thy sins thou art thyself the cause of thy grief. A man under sentence of death does not trouble himself as to the dispositions of his executioners; so he who truly mourns and sheds the tears of repentance, refrains from delight, anger, vainglory, indignation, and every like passion.
Citizens and criminals are not lodged in like abodes; so also the life and conduct of those whose faults call for sighs and tears should not resemble those of men who have remained innocent and have nothing to expiate.
Were it otherwise, how would the guilty, great though their crimes may have been, differ in their punishment and expiation from the innocent? Iniquity would then be more free than innocence. Renounce all, therefore, contemn all, separate thyself from all, that thou mayest lay deep the foundations of sincere penance.
He who truly loves Jesus Christ, and sorrows for Him, who bears Him in his heart and in his body, will have no thought, or care, or solicitude for aught else. Such a one will sincerely mourn over his sins and offences, will long after eternal happiness, will remember the Judgment and will think diligently on his last end in lowly fear. He, then, who wishes to arrive speedily at a blessed impassibility and to reach God, counts that day lost on which he has not been ill-spoken of and despised.
What is this impassibility but freedom from the vices and passions, purity of heart, the adornment of virtue?
Count thyself as already dead, since thou must needs die some day.
And now, but one word more. Let this be the test of thy thoughts, words, and deeds. If they render thee more humble, more recollected in God, more strong, then they are according to God. But if thou findest it otherwise, then fear lest all is not according to God, acceptable to Him, or profitable to thyself.