Part 17

But although many men of this class are not gifted with that species of perception suited to mathematical studies, however desirable it may be that the mind should be subject to that _best of all correctives_, the abstruse sciences, they are often possessed of what may be justly denominated "great talents." A remarkable instance of this fact was manifested in the person of a late fellow of Trinity (now no longer so--"for conscience-sake,") who wrote a tragedy whilst still a boy of sixteen or seventeen, that was produced at Covent Garden with success, obtained the only vacant _Craven scholarship_ in his freshman's year (always considered a high test of classical ability,) and carried off other classical university prizes. Yet he, when he came to be examined for his degree, though he sat and wrote out _whole books of Homer_ from memory, he was unable to go through the first problem of Euclid: for when told that he _must_ do something _in mathematics_, he wrote down, after a fashion, the A's and B's, but without describing the figure, a necessary accompaniment. Of the omission he was reminded by the examiner--"Oh! _the picture, you mean_," was his reply, and, drawing a triangle of a true _isosceles_ cut, instead of an _equilateral_ one, he added thereto, _a la heraldique_, by way of supporters, two _ovals_ of equal height, which completed his only mathematical effort. His learning and talents, however, procured him his degree and a fellowship. To others, mathematics are an inexhaustible source of delight, and such a mind it was that penned _The Address to Mathematics_, in "The Cambridge Tart," beginning--

"With thee, divine Mathesis, let me live! Effuse source of evidence and truth!"

PORSON gave a singular proof of his "fondness for Algebra," says the _Sexagenarian_, by composing an equation in Greek, the original being comprised in one line. When resident in college, he would frequently amuse himself by sending to his friends scraps of Greek of a like character, for solution. The purport of one was, "Find the value of _nothing_." The next time he met his friend, he addressed him with, "Well, have you succeeded in finding the _value of nothing_?" "Yes," replied his friend. "What is it?" "Sixpence I gave the gyp for bringing your note," was the rejoinder.

The late Professor Vince meeting a fellow of St. John's College, Cambridge, the next morning after a high wind had blown down several of the fine old trees in the walks, some of three centuries' standing, he was addressed with, "a terrible storm last night, Mr. Professor." "Yes," he replied, "it was

A RARE MATHEMATICAL WIND."

"Mathematical wind!" exclaimed the other, "how so, Doctor?" "Why you see it has _extracted a great many roots_!" A Johnian one day eating _apple-pie_ by the side of a Johnian fellow, an inveterate punster, he facetiously observed,

"HE WAS RAISING APPLE-PIE TO THE Tth POWER:"

Another fellow walking down the hall, after dinner, and slipping some distance on _smooth flags_, looked over his shoulder and observed to one following him--"_An inclined plane_."

Another Cantab, when a student of Bene't, now rector of H----, Suffolk, sung his song of "divine Mathesis:"--

Let mathematicians and geometricians Talk of circles' and triangles' charms, The figure I prize is a girl with bright eyes, And the circle that's formed by her arms.

* * * * *

THE CLASSICAL TRIPOS AND THE WOODEN WEDGE.

This class of Cambridge honours, for which none can become candidates but those who have attained mathematical distinction, was instituted by a Grace of the Senate, in 1822. As its title implies, it is divided into three classes. The first examination took place in 1824, when the Cantabs were saved the labour of _gestation_, by the last man in the third class being named _Wedgewood_, which was transposed by some wag to _wooden wedge_--and by that _soubriquet_, equivalent to the _wooden spoon_, all men so circumstanced are now designated in the colloquial phraseology of the University. It is but justice to Mr. W. to add, however, that he also attained the high mathematical distinction of eighth wrangler of his year. By the same decree of the Senate

A PREVIOUS EXAMINATION

Was established at Cambridge (answering to the Oxford "Little-go,") by which all students are required to undergo an examination in Classics and Divinity, in the Lent term of the second year of their residence. The successful candidates are divided into two classes only: but there is always a select few who are _allowed_ to pass, after an extra trial of skill: these are lumped at the end, and have been designated "_Elegant Extracts_." Some wag furnished Jackson's Oxford Journal with this

SYLLOGISTIC EXERCISE FOR THE LITTLE-GO MEN.

No cat has _two_ tails. A cat has _one_ tail _more_ than no cat. _Ergo_--A cat has three tails.

The following song (in the true spirit of a non-reading man) is from the pen of a learned seceding Cantab, the late Dr. John Disney, who, after graduating at Peter-House, Cambridge, LL.B., and for some time officiating as a minister of the Established Church, resigned a living "for conscience sake," and closed his career as Minister of the Unitarian Chapel, in Essex-street, Strand:--

Come, my good College lads! and attend to my lays, I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books; For all you get by it is mere empty praise, Or a poor meagre fellowship, and sour looks.

_Chorus._

Then lay by your books, lads, and never repine; And cram not your attics, With dry mathematics, But moisten your clay with a bumper of wine.

The first of mechanics was old Archimedes, Who play'd with Rome's ships as we'd play cup and ball, To play the same game I can't see where the need is, Or why we should fag mathematics at all. Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

Great Newton found out the binomial law, To raise X -|- Y to the power of B; Found the distance of planets that he never saw, And we most probably never shall see. Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

Let Whiston and Ditton star-gazing enjoy, And taste all the sweets mathematics can give; Let us for our time find a better employ, And knowing life's sweets, let us learn how to live. Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

These men _ex absurdo_, conclusions may draw, Perpetual motion they never could find; Not one of the set, lads, can balance a straw, And longitude seeking is hunting the wind. Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

If we study at all, let us study the means To make ourselves friends, and to keep them when made; Learn to value the blessings kind heaven ordains, To make others happy, let that be our trade.

_Finale._

Let each day be better than each day before, Without pain or sorrow, To-day or to-morrow, May we live, my good lads, to see many days more.

* * * * *

A DREADFUL FIT OF RHEUMATISM.

Two Cantabs, brothers, named Whiter, one the learned author of _Etymologicum Magnum_, the other an amiable divine; both were remarkable, the one for being six, the other about five feet in height. The taller was eccentric and often absent in his habits, the other a wag. Both were invited to the same party, and the taller being first ready, slipped on the coat of the shorter, and wended his way into a crowded room of fashionables, to whom his eccentricities being familiar, they were not much surprised at seeing him encased in a coat, the tail of which scarcely reached his hips, whilst the sleeves ran short of his elbows; in fact, it was a perfect _strait jacket_, and he had not been long seated before he began to complain to every body that he was suffering from a dreadful fit of _rheumatism_. One or two suggested the _tightness_ of his coat as the cause of his pain; but he remained rheumatic in spite of them, till his brother's approach threw the whole party into a fit of convulsive laughter, as he came sailing into the room, his coat-tails sweeping the room, _en traine_, and his arms performing the like service on either side, as he exclaimed, to his astonished brother, "Why, Bob, you have got my coat on!" Bob then discovered that his friends' hints bordered on the truth, and the two exchanged garments forthwith, to the amusement of all present.

* * * * *

DR. PARR AN INGRATE.

The Doctor was once staying with the late great and good Mr. Roscoe, when many of the most distinguished Whigs were his guests also, out of compliment to whom the Doctor forbore to indulge in his customary after-dinner pipe. At length, when wine and words had circulated briskly, and twilight began to set in, he insisted upon mounting to his own room to have a whiff _solus_. Having groped his way up stairs, somewhat exhausted with the effort, he threw himself into what he took to be an arm-chair. Suddenly the ears of the party were assailed with awful moans and groans, as of some one in tribulation. Mr. Roscoe hastened to learn the cause, and no sooner reached the stairs' foot, than he heard the Doctor calling lustily for his man John, adding, in more supplicatory accents, "Will nobody help a Christian man in distress! Will nobody help a Christian man in distress!" Mr. Roscoe mounted to the rescue, but could not forbear a hearty laugh, as he beheld Dr. P. locked in the close embrace of a large old-fashioned grate, which he had mistaken for an arm-chair, and from which he was in vain struggling to relieve himself.

* * * * *

MON DIEU--LE DIABLE.

When Robert the Devil was first produced at Paris, and the opera going folk were on the _qui vive_ for the promised appearance of the Prince of Darkness, a certain Cantab, the facial line of whose countenance bordered on the _demoniacal_, went to see him make his bow to a Parisian audience, and happened to enter the same _loge_ from whence a Parisian belle was anxiously watching the _entrée_ of Monsieur Le Robert. Attracted by the creaking of the _loge_ door, on suddenly turning her head in its direction, she caught a glimpse of our Cambridge friend, and was so forcibly struck with the expression of his countenance, that she went into hysterics, exclaiming, "Mon Dieu! Le Diable!"

* * * * *

SOME CRITICAL CIVILITIES.

The famous editor of Demosthenes, John Taylor, D.D. being accused of saying Bishop Warburton was no scholar, denied it, but owned he always thought so. Upon this Warburton called him "The Learned Dunce." When Parr, in the British Critic for 1795, called Porson "a giant in literature," and "a prodigy in intellect," the Professor took it in dudgeon, and said, "_What right has any one to tell the height of a man he cannot measure?_" A Dutch commentator having called Bentley "Egregius" and "[Greek: Ho panu]," "What right, (said the Doctor) has that fellow to quote me; "_does he think that I will set my pearls in his dunghill_?" Baxter, in the second edition of his Horace, said the great Bentley seemed to him "rather to have buried Horace under a heap of rubbish than to have illustrated him." And

BENTLEY SAID OF JOSHUA BARNES,

Who, to please his religious wife, composed a Greek ode to prove King Solomon wrote Homer's Iliad, that he was

"[Greek: Honos pros lyran]--_Asinus ad Lyram_:"

Joshua replied, that they who said this of him had not understanding enough to be poets, or wanted the [Greek: Ho nous pros lyran].

* * * * *

SIR BUSICK AND SIR ISAAC AGAIN.

I have before spoken of these two Cambridge knights and rival physicians, but there yet remains to be told of them, that on their meeting each other, perchance, in the street or the senate house, the latter addressing his rival in an ironical speech of condolence, to the effect, "I regret to hear you are ill, Sir Busick." "Sir, _I sick_!" (Sir Isaac) retorted the wit, "I never was better in my life!" Many of my readers have no doubt seen the anecdote of Voltaire's building a church, and causing to be engraved on the front thereof, the vain record,

"_Voltaire erexit hoc Templum Deo_."

A similar spirit seized a Mr. COLE of Cambridge, who left money either to erect the church or the steeple of St. Clement's, in Bridge-street, of that town, on condition that his name was placed on the front of it. The condition was complied with to the letter, thus, by the tasteful judgment of some Cambridge wag:--

COLE: DEUM.

An admirably turned pun, which, I may add, for the benefit of my English readers, signifies, _Worship God_. I have already noticed the _mathematical_ "_Pons Asinorum_" of our mother of Cambridge. One of her waggish sons has likewise contrived, for their amusement, a _classical Pons Asinorum_, known as

THE FRESHMAN'S PUZZLE.

I knew a Trinity man of absent habits, who actually, after residing two years in college, having occasion to call upon an old school fellow, a scholar of Bene't (_id est_, Corpus Christi College,) before it was _rebuilt_, was so little acquainted with the localities of the university, that he was obliged to inquire his way, though not two hundred yards from Trinity. Such a man could scarcely be expected to know, what most Cantabs do, that Qui Church, which is situated about four miles from Cambridge, "rears its head" in rural simplicity in the midst of the _open fields_, seemingly without the "bills of mortality;" for not so much as a cottage keeps it in countenance. This gave occasion for a Cambridge wag to invent the following puzzle:--

"Templum QUIstat in agris,"

Which has caused many a freshman a sleepless night, who, ignorant of the _status_ QUI, has racked his brains to translate the above, _minus_ a QUOD _pro_ QUI.

* * * * *

A SLY HUMOURIST.

Edmund Gurnay, B.D., Fellow of Corpus Christi College, Cambridge, in 1601, was a sly humourist. The Master had a great desire to get the garden to himself, and, either by threats or persuasion, get all the rest of the fellows to resign their keys; but upon his application to Gurnay, he absolutely refused to part with his right. "I have got the other fellows' keys," quoth the master. "Then pray, master, keep them, and you and I will shut them all out." "Sir, I expect to be obliged; am I not your master?" "Yes, sir (said Gurnay;) and am I not your fellow?" At another time he was complained of to the bishop, for refusing to wear the surplice, and was cited to appear before him, and told, that he expected he should always wear it; whereupon, he came home, and rode a journey with it on. This reminds one of

A STORY OF A NOBLE OXONIAN,

Then Mr. afterwards Lord Lyttleton, to whom the epithet of "_Reprobus_," they say, might have been applied with more justice than it was to the famous Saxon Bishop, St. Wulstan, by the monks of his day. Humour was his lordship's natural element, and whilst resident at Christ Church, Oxford, he dressed himself in a bright scarlet hunting coat, top-boots and spurs, buckskin breeches, &c., and putting his gown over all, presented himself to the head of his college, who was a strict disciplinarian. "Good God! Mr. Lyttleton," exclaimed the Dean, "this is not a dress fit to be seen in a college." "I beg your pardon," said the wag, "I thought myself in perfect costume! Will you be pleased to tell me how I should dress, Mr. Dean?" The dean was at this time Vice-Chancellor, and happened to be in his robes of office. "You should dress like me, Sir," said the Doctor, referring to his black coat, tights, knee-buckles, and silk stockings. Mr. Lyttleton thanked him and left, but to the Doctor's astonishment, he the next day presented himself at the Deanery, drest in Vice-Chancellor's robes, &c., an exact fac-simile of the dean himself, and when rebuked coolly observed, that he had followed the dean's directions to the letter.

IT IS RELATED OF THE SAME OXFORD WAG,

That having a party to supper with him, and being anxious to play the Dean some harmless trick, as his delight was to annoy him, he seized a potato off the dish, stuck it on a fork, and bolted off with it to the deanery, followed by some of his boon companions. This was at one, two, or three in the morning, when all the rest of the college, and of course the Dean, were locked in the embrace of Somnus. Mr. Lyttleton, however, resolving to have his joke, began thundering away at the Dean's knocker, till roused at last, he put his head out at the window, and in a rage demanded the wants of the applicant. "Do you think, Mr. Dean," said Mr. L., holding up to his view the _forked_ potato with the coolest effrontery imaginable; "Do you think, Mr. Dean, that this is a potato fit to put upon a gentleman's table?" Dr. Westphalinge, Canon of Christ Church, afterwards Bishop of Hereford, and one of the Commissioners sent to Oxford to abolish _Popish practices_, by Elizabeth, says Bishop Godwyn,

WAS A PERSON OF SUCH CONSUMMATE GRAVITY,

"That during a familiar acquaintance with him for many years, he never once saw him laugh,"--"_Nunquam in risum viderim solutum_." As an antidote to such eternal gravity, I can scarcely do better than append the following Aristophanic morsel, attributed to Porson, and cry "Hold, enough!" Chorus of Printers' Imps--"Enough!"

INVENTORY OF GOODS FOR SALE.

[Greek: Blankêtoi, kyltoi, duo bolsteres, êde pilôbêr Kai en matresson, kai leukon kaliko kirten, Kai mia karpettê, kai cheston maiganoion Eis kaunterpannos, kai graton kasto sidêzon Êde duô bouroi, duo tabloi, kai duo dittô. Touelloi dôsen, dôsen phaukoi te, niphoi te Sautpan kai steupan, spitton kai smôkon iakon Gridiron, pheirpan, tongoi, phendêr te, pokêr te, Koppêz kai boilêr kai killêr êde syeltob. Kai en baskêton kata bakchous, kai duo pottyx, Kai en drippinpan, kuleres duo, kai salamandêr Kai duo p**pottoi, spittinpan, peip te to bakchô.]

THE END.

* * * * *

CHESNUT STREET, JUNE, 1835

NEW WORKS LATELY PUBLISHED, AND PREPARING FOR PUBLICATION, BY E. L. CAREY & A. HART, PHILAD.

In Three Volumes, 12mo.

JACOB FAITHFUL; OR, LIFE ON THE WATER. COMPLETE.

By the Author of "PETER SIMPLE," "KING'S OWN," &c.

"It is replete with amusement and oddity. Poor Jacob was born on the water. 'It was,' says he, 'in a floating sort of a box, called a lighter, and upon the river Thames, that I first smelt the mud.'"--_Baltimore Gazette._

"Equal in merit to Peter Simple, and perhaps even more entertaining, are the adventures of Jacob Faithful, another of the whimsical creations of Captain Marryatt's prolific brain."--_Saturday Courier._

"It is full of character and incident, and will, we doubt not, be a universal favourite."--_Lit. Gaz._

In Three Volumes, 12mo.

PETER SIMPLE; OR, ADVENTURES OF A MIDSHIPMAN. COMPLETE.

By the Author of the "KING'S OWN," "NAVAL OFFICER," &c.

"The quiet humour which pervades the work is irresistibly amusing, and the fund of anecdote and description which it contains, entertaining. The humour sometimes approaches to downright burlesque, and the incident to extravagance, if not improbability; but, altogether, as a book of amusement, it is excellent."--_Baltimore Gazette._

"Those who are the most competent to judge, say that Captain Marryatt is altogether superior to any other writer of naval sketches or descriptions, living or dead."--_N. Y. Commercial Advertiser._

"This is the best work that Captain Marryatt has produced."--_Atlas._

"'Peter Simple' is certainly the most amusing of Captain Marryatt's amusing novels; a species of picture quite unique; a class by themselves, full of humour, truth, and graphic sketches."--_Literary Gazette._

"This is an admirable work, and worthy of the noble service it is written to illustrate."--_Spectator._

CELEBRATED TRIALS, AND CASES OF CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE OF ALL AGES AND COUNTRIES.

In One large volume, 8vo., containing 600 closely printed pages.

CONTENTS.

John Thurtell and Joseph Hunt, for the murder of William Ware, at Hertford, January, 1824.

Henry Fauntleroy, Esq., for forgery, at the Old Bailey, October 30, 1824.

Anna Schonleben (Germany), for poisoning, 1808.

John Docke Rouvelett, for forgery, 1806.

John Holloway and Owen Haggerty, for the murder of John Cole Steele, on Hounslow-heath, February 22, 1807.

The unknown Murderer, or the Police at fault (Germany), 1817.

Thomas Simmons, for murder, Oct. 20, 1807.

Major Alexander Campbell, for the murder of Captain Alexander Boyd, at Armagh, in a duel, 1807.

James Stuart, for the murder of Sir Alexander Boswell, in a duel, 1822.

Martha Alden, for murder, 1807.

Francis S. Riembauer, for assassination, 1805.

Eliza Fenning, for an attempt to poison Mr. Olibar Turner and family, April 11, 1815.

William Jones, for murder.

Abraham Thornton, for the murder of Mary Ashford, 1817.

Castaing, the physician, for murder, at Paris, November, 1817.

John Donellan, Esq., for the murder of Sir Theodosius Edward Allesly Boughton; before the Hon. Sir Francis Buller, 1781.

Sir Walter Raleigh, for high-treason, in the reign of James I., A.D. 1602.

James O'Coigley, Arthur O'Connor, John Binns, John Allen, and Jeremiah Leary, for high-treason; at Maidstone, 1798.

Miss Ann Broadric, for the murder of Mr. Errington, 1795.

William Corder, for the murder of Maria Marten, 1827.

William Codlin, for scuttling a ship, 1802.

Joseph Wall, for the murder of Benjamin Armstrong, at Goree, 1802.

Vice-admiral Byng, for neglect of duty; at a court-martial, held on board his majesty's ship the St. George, in Portsmouth harbour, 1757.

Richard Savage, the poet, James Gregory, and William Merchant, for the murder of James Sinclair, 1727.

Admiral Keppel, for neglect of duty, July, 1778, at a court-martial.

Sir Hugh Palliser, Vice-admiral of the Blue, for neglect of duty, 1779.

Sarah Metyard and Sarah M. Metyard, for murder, 1768.

John Bishop, Thomas Williams, and James May, for the murder of Charles Ferriar, 1831.

Sawney Cunningham, executed at Leith, 1635, for murder.

Sarah Malcolm, for the murder of Ann Price, 1733.

Joseph Baretti, for the murder of Evan Morgan, 1769.

Mungo Campbell, for murder, 1721.

Lucretia Chapman, for the murder of William Chapman, late of Bucks county, Pennsylvania, 1832.

Lino Amalto Espos y Mina, for the murder of William Chapman, at the same court, 1832.

John Hatfield, for forgery, 1803.

Trial by combat, between Henry Plantagenet, duke of Hereford and Lancaster, and afterwards king of England by the title of Henry IV., and Thomas Mowbray, duke of Norfolk, earl-marshal of England, 1897.

Captain John Gow and others, for piracy, 1729.

William Burke and Helen McDougal for murder, 1828.

Charles Macklin (the author), for the murder of Thomas Hallam, May 1735.

Mary Young, _alias_ Jenny Diver, for privately stealing, 1740.

George Henderson and Margaret Nisbet, for forging a bill on the dutchess of Gordon, 1726.

John Chide, of Dalry, for the murder of the Right Hon. Sir George Lockhart, of Carnwith, lord-president of the court of sessions, and member of his majesty's privy council, 1689.

William Henry, duke of Cumberland, for adultery with Lady Grosvenor, 1770.

Robert and Daniel Perrean, for forgery, 1775.

Margaret Caroline Rudd, for forgery, 1775.

Henry White, Jr., for a libel on the duke of Cumberland, 1813.

Philip Nicholson, for the murder of Mr. and Mrs. Bonar, at Maidstone, 1813.

Mr. William Cobbett, for libel, in the court of King's Bench, 1810.