Part 11

With ass's ears on his head,--a thing that Tom would 'in perpetuam rei memoriam,' record and never have done with. Wilson, in his _Memorabilia Cantabrigiæ_, says of this said Tom Nash, that he was educated at St. John's College, Cambridge, where he resided seven years, was at the fatal repast of the pickled herrings with the poet Green, and, in 1597, was either confined or otherwise troubled for a comedy on _the Isle of Dogs_ (extant in the MSS. of Oldys,) though he wrote but the first act, and the players without his knowledge supplied the rest. He was a man of humour, a bitter satirist, and no contemptible poet; and more effectually discouraged and non-plused the notorious anti-prelate and astrologer, Will Harvey, and his adherents, than all the serious writers that attacked them. There is a good character of him, says Oldys, in _The return from Parnassus, or Scourge of Simony_, which was publicly acted by the students of St. John's, in 1606, wherein

THEY FIRST EXEMPLIFIED THE ART OF CUTTING,

An elegant term, that is in equal request at the sister university, as well as amongst the coxcombs of the day, adds Wilson, though the members of St. John's are celebrated for the _origin_ of the term "_to cut_,"--_i. e._ "to look an old friend in the face, and affect not to know him," which is the _cut direct_. Those who would be more deeply read in this art, which has been greatly improved since the days in which it originated, will find it at large in the _Gradus ad Cantabrigiam_.

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CROMWELL'S SOLDIERS AT A DISPUTATION AT OXFORD.

It was a custom of Dr. Kettel, while President of Trinity College, Oxford (says Tom Warton, citing the MSS. of Dr. Bathurst, in his Appendix to his Life of Sir Thomas Pope,) "to attend daily the DISPUTATIONS in the college-hall, on which occasions he constantly wore a large black furred muff. Before him stood an hour-glass, brought by himself into the hall, and placed on the table, for ascertaining the time of the continuance of the exercise, which was to last an hour at least. One morning, after Cromwell's soldiers had taken possession of Oxford, a halberdier rushed into the hall during this controversy, and plucking off our venerable Doctor's muff, threw it in his face, and then, with a stroke of his halberd, broke the hour-glass in pieces. The Doctor, though old and infirm, instantly seized the soldier by the collar, who was soon overpowered, by the assistance of the disputants. The halberd was carried out of the hall in triumph before the Doctor; but the prisoner, with his halberd, was quickly rescued by a party of soldiers, who stood at the bottom of the hall, and had enjoyed the whole transaction." It was in the grove of this college, during Monmouth's Rebellion of 1685, that Sir Philip Bertie, a younger son of Robert Earl of Lindsay, who was a member of Trinity College, and had spoken a copy of verses in the theatre at Oxford, in 1683, to the Duke and Dutchess a York, &c., trained a company, chiefly of his own college, of which he was captain, in the militia of the university.

TROOPS BEING RAISED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD,

Says Warton, in Monmouth's Rebellion. It reminds me of a curious anecdote concerning Smith's famous Ode, entitled POCOCKIUS, which I give from MSS., Cod. Balland, vol. xix. Lit. 104:--"The University raised a regiment for the King's service, and Christ Church and Jesus' Colleges made one company, of which Lord Morris, since Earl of Abingdon, was captain, who presented Mr. Urry (the editor of Chaucer,) a corporal (serjeant) therein, with a halberd. Upon Dr. Pocock's death, Mr. Urry lugged Captain Rag (Smith) into his chamber in Peckwater, locked him in, put the key in his pocket, and ordered his bed-maker to supply him with necessaries through the window, and told him he should not come out till he made

A COPY OF VERSES ON THE DOCTOR'S DEATH.

The sentence being irreversible, the captain made the ODE, and sent it, with his epistle, to Mr. Urry, who thereupon had his release." "The epistle here mentioned," adds Tom, "is a ludicrous prose analysis of the ODE, beginning _Opusculum tuum, Halberdarie amplissime_," &c., and is printed in the fourth volume of Dr. Johnson's English Poets, who pronounces it _unequalled_ by modern writers. This same Oxonian, Smith, had obtained the _soubriquet_ of

CAPTAIN RAG

By his negligence of dress. He was bred at Westminster School, under Doctor Busby; and it is to be remembered, for his _honour_, "that, when at the Westminster election he stood a candidate for one of the universities, he so signally distinguished himself by his conspicuous performances, that there arose no small contention between the representatives of Trinity College in Cambridge, and Christ Church in Oxon, which of those two royal societies should adopt him as their own. But the electors of Trinity having a preference of choice that year, they resolutely elected him; who yet, being invited the same time to Christ Church, he chose to accept of a studentship there."

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THE THREE DAINTY MORSELS.

When our learned Oxonian, Dr. Johnson, was on his tour in the Hebrides, accompanied by Bozzy, as Peter Pindar has it, says an American writer, they had one day travelled so far without refreshment, that the Doctor began to _growl_ in his best manner. Upon this Bozzy hastened to a cottage at a distance, ordered a dinner, and was lucky in obtaining the choice of a roast leg of mutton and the Doctor's favourite plum-pudding. Upon reaching the house, the appetite of the latter drove him into the kitchen to inspect progress, where he saw a boy basting the meat, from whose head he conceited he saw _something_ descend, by the force of _gravity_, into the dripping-pan. The meat was at length served up, and Bozzy attacked it with great glee, exclaiming, "My dear Doctor, do let me help you to some,--brown as a berry,--done to a turn." The Doctor said he would wait for the pudding, chuckling with equal glee, whilst Bozzy nearly devoured the whole joint. The pudding at length came, done to a turn too, which the Doctor in his turn greedily devoured, without so much as asking Bozzy to a bit. After he had wiped his mouth, and begun to compose himself, Bozzy entreated to know what he was giggling about whilst he eat the mutton? The Doctor clapped his hands to both sides for support, as he told him what he saw in the kitchen. Bozzy thereupon begun to exhibit sundry qualms and queer faces, and calling in the boy, exclaimed, "You rascal, why did you not cover your dirty head with your cap when basting the meat?" "'Cause mother took it to boil the pudding in!" said the urchin. The tables were turned. The Doctor stared aghast, stamped, and literally roared, with a voice of thunder, that if Bozzy ever named the circumstance to any one, it should bring down upon him his eternal displeasure! The following, not very dissimilar anecdote, is told of a Cantab, who was once out hunting till his appetite became as keen as the Doctor's, and, like his, drove him to the nearest cottage. The good dame spread before him and his friend the contents of her larder, which she described as "a _meat_ pie, made of odds and ends, the remnant of their own frugal meal." "Any thing is better than nothing," cried the half famished Cantab, "so let us have it--ha, Bob." Bob, who was another Cantab, his companion, nodded assent. No sooner was the savoury morsel placed before him, than he commenced operations, and greedily swallowed mouthful after mouthful, exclaiming, "Charming! I never tasted a more delicious morsel in my life! But what have we here?" said he, as he sucked something he held in both hands; "_Fish_, as well as flesh, my good woman?" "Fish!" cried the old dame, as she turned from her washing to eye our sportsman, "why, Lord bless ye, i' that bean't our Billy's _comb_!" The effect was not a little ludicrous on our hungry Cantab, whilst Bob's "Haw! haw! haw!" might have been heard from the Thames Tunnel to Nootka Sound.

* * * * *

ANSWERED IN KIND.

Why should we smother a good thing with _mystifying dashes_, instead of plain English high-sounding names, when the subject is of "honourable men?" "_Recte facta refert._"--Horace forbid it! The learned Chancery Barrister, John Bell, K.C., "_the Great Bell of Lincoln_," as he has been aptly called, was _Senior Wrangler_, on graduating B.A., at Trinity College, Cambridge, in 1786, with many able competitors for that honour. He is likewise celebrated, as every body knows, for writing three several hands; one only he himself can read, another nobody but his clerk can read, and a third neither himself, clerk, nor any body else can read! It was in the latter hand he one day wrote to his legal contemporary and friend, the present Sir Launcelot Shadwell, Vice-Chancellor of England (who is likewise a Cantab, and graduated in 1800 at St. John's College, of which he became a Fellow, with the double distinction of Seventh Wrangler and Second Chancellor's Medallist) inviting him to dinner. Sir Launcelot, finding all his attempts to decipher the note about as vain as the wise men found theirs to unravel the Cabalistic characters of yore, took a sheet of paper, and having _smeared_ it over with ink, he folded and sealed it, and sent it as his answer. The receipt of it staggered even the Great Bell of Lincoln, and after breaking the seal, and eyeing and turning it round and round, he hurried to Mr. Shadwell's chambers with it, declaring he could make nothing of it. "Nor I of your note," retorted Mr. S. "My dear fellow," exclaimed Mr. B., taking his own letter in his hand, is not this, as plain as can be, "Dear Shadwell, I shall be glad to see you at dinner to-day." "And is not this equally as plain," said Mr. S., pointing to his own paper, "My dear Bell, I shall be happy to come and dine with you."

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POWERS OF DIGESTION.

In both Oxford and Cambridge the cooks are restricted to a certain sum each term, beyond which the college will not protect them in their demand upon the students. All else are _extras_, and are included in "_sizings_" in Cambridge; in Oxford the term is "_to battel_." The head of a college in the latter university, not long since, sent for Mr. P----, one of his society, who had _batteled_ much beyond the allowance; and after Mr. P---- had endeavoured to excuse himself on the ground of appetite, turning to the account, the Rector observed, "_meat_ for breakfast, _meat_ for lunch, _meat_ for dinner, _meat_ for supper," and looking up in the face of the dismayed student, he exclaimed, with his Welsh accent, "Christ Jesus! Mr. P----, what guts you must have." This reminds me of

A CAMBRIDGE D.D.,

Now no more, who is said to have been a great gourmand, and weighed something less than thirty stone, but not much. At the college table, where our D.D. daily took his meal, in order that he might the better put his hand upon the dainty morsels, being very corpulent, he caused a piece to be scooped out, to give him a fair chance. His chair was also so placed, that his belly was three inches from the table at sitting down, and when he had eaten till he touched it, his custom was to lay down his knife and fork and desist, lest, by eating too much, any dangerous malady should ensue. A waggish Fellow of his college, however, one day removed his chair double the distance from the table, which the doctor not observing, began to eat as usual. After taking more than his _quantum_, and finding that he was still an inch or two from the _goal_, he threw down his knife and fork in despair, exclaiming, he "was sure he was going to die;" but having explained the reason, he was relieved of his fears on hearing the joke had been played him.

* * * * *

THE INSIDE PASSENGER.

Every Cantab of the nineteenth century must remember our friend Smith of the Blue Boar, Trinity Street, charioteer of that now _defunct_ vehicle and pair which used to ply between Cambridge, New-market, and Bury St. Edmunds, and on account of its _celerity, and other marked qualities_, was called "_The Slow and Dirty_" by Freshman, Soph, Bachelor, and Big-wig, now metamorphosed into a handsome four-in-hand, over which our friend Smith presides in a style worthy of _the Club itself_! He had one day, in olden time, pulled up at Botsham, midway between Newmarket and Cambridge, when there happened to be several Cantabs on the road, who were refreshing their nags at the "self-same" inn, the Swan, at which _the Slow and Dirty_ made its daily halt. "Any passengers?" inquired Smith. "One inside," said a Cambridge wag, standing by, whose eye was the moment caught by a young ass feeding on the nettles in a neighbouring nook. Having put his fellows up to the joke, Smith was invited in-doors and treated with a glass of grog; meanwhile, my gentleman with the long ears was popped inside the coach. Smith coming out, inquired after his passenger, whom he supposed one of his friends, the Cantabs, and learnt he was housed. "All right," said Smith, and off he drove, followed quickly by our wag and party on horseback, who determined to be in at the _denouement_. Smith had not made much way, when our inside passenger, not finding himself _in clover_, popped his head out at one of the coach windows. The spectacle attracted the notice of many _bipeds_ as they passed along; Smith, however, notwithstanding their laughter, "kept the even tenor of his way." At Barnwell the boys _huzzaed_ with more than their usual greetings, but still Smith kept on, unconscious of the cause. He no sooner made Jesus' Lane, than crowds began to follow in his wake, and he dashed into the Blue-Boar yard with _a tail_ more numerous than that upon the shoulders of which Dan O'Connell rode into the first Reformed Parliament, Feargus included. Down went the reins, as the ostlers came to the head of his smoking _prads_, and Smith was in a moment at the coach door, with one hand instinctively upon the latch, and the other raised to his hat, when the whole truth flashed upon his astonished eyes, and Balaam was safely landed, amidst peals of laughter, in which our friend Smith was not the least _uproarious_.

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PALEY'S CELEBRATED SCHOOL ACT.

When Paley, in 1762, kept his act in the schools, previously to his entering the senate-house, to contend for mathematical honours, it was under the moderators, Dr. John Jebb, the famous physician and advocate of reform in church and state, and the learned Dr. Richard Watson, late Bishop of Llandaff. _Johnson's Questiones Philosophicæ_ was the book then commonly resorted to in the university for subjects usually disputed of in the _schools_; and he fixed upon two questions, in addition to his mathematical one, which to his knowledge had never before been subjects of _disputation_. The one was _against Capital Punishments_; the other _against the Eternity of Hell Torments_. As soon, however, as it came to the knowledge of the heads of the university that Paley had proposed such questions to the moderators, knowing his abilities, though young, lest it should give rise to a controversial spirit, the master of his college, Dr. Thomas, was requested to interfere and put a stop to the proceeding, which he did, and Bishop Watson thus records the fact in his Autobiography:--"Paley had brought me, for one of the questions he meant for his act, _Æternitas pænarum contradicit Divinis Attributis_! The Eternity of Hell Torments contrary to the Divine Attributes. I had accepted it. A few days afterwards he came to me in a great fright, saying, that the master of his college, Dr. Thomas, Dean of Ely, insisted on his not keeping on such a question. I readily permitted him to change it, and told him that, if it would lessen his master's apprehensions, he might put a '_non_' before '_contradicit_;' making the question, The Eternity of Hell Torments _not_ contrary to the Divine _Attributes_: and he did so." In the following month of January he was senior wrangler.

HE WAS NOT FOND OF CLASSICAL STUDIES,

And used to declare he could read no Latin author with pleasure but Virgil: yet when the members' prize was awarded to him for a _Latin_ prose essay, in 1765, which he had illustrated with _English_ notes, he was, strange enough, though his disregard of the classics was well known, suspected of being the author of the _Latin only_. The reverse was probably nearer the truth. It is notorious that

HE WAS NOT SKILLED IN PROSODY;

And when, in 1795, he proceeded to D.D., after being made Sub-Dean of Lincoln, he, in the delivery of his _Clerum_, pronounced prof[)u]gus prof[=u]gus, which gave some Cambridge wag occasion to fire at him the following epigram:--

"Italiam fato _profugus_, Lavinaque venit Litora; * * * * * Errat Virgilius, forte _profugus_ erat."

He had

A SPICE OF CUTTING HUMOUR

In his composition, and some time after the Bishop of Durham so honourably and unsolicited presented him to the valuable living of Bishop Wearmouth, dining with his lordship in company with an aged divine, the latter observed in conversation, "that although he had been married about forty years, he had never had the slightest difference with his wife." The prelate was pleased at so rare an instance of connubial felicity, and was about to compliment his guest thereon, when Paley, with an arch "_Quid?_" observed, "Don't you think it must have been very flat, my Lord?"

A RULE OF HIS.

A writer, recording his _on dits_, in the New Monthly Magazine, says, in Paley's own words, he made it a rule never to buy a book that he wanted to read but once. In more than one respect,

HE WAS UNLIKE DR. PARR.

The latter had a great admiration for the _canonical dress_ of his order, and freely censured the practice of clergymen not generally appearing in it. When on a visit to his friend, the celebrated Mr. Roscoe, at that gentleman's residence near Liverpool, Parr used to ride through the village in full costume, including his famous wig, to the no small amusement of the rustics, and chagrin of his companion, the present amiable and learned Thomas Roscoe, originator and editor of "The Landscape Annual," &c. Paley wore a white wig, and a coat cut in the close court style: but could never be brought to patronise, at least in the country, that becoming part of the dress of a dignitary of the church, a _cassock_, which he used to call a black apron, such as the master tailors wear in Durham.

HE WAS NEVER A GOOD HORSEMAN.

"When I followed my father," he says, "on a pony of my own, on my first journey to Cambridge, I fell off seven times. My father, on hearing a thump, would turn his head half aside, and say, 'Take care of thy money, lad!'" This defect he never overcame: for when advanced in years, he acknowledged he was still so bad a horseman, "that if any man on horseback were to come near me when I am riding," he would say, "I should certainly have a fall; company would take off my attention, and I have need of all I can command to manage my horse, the quietest creature that ever lived; one that, at Carlisle, used to be covered with children from the ears to the tail."

HIS TWO OR THREE REASONS FOR EXCHANGING LIVINGS.

Meadly, his biographer, relates, that when asked why he had exchanged his living of Dalston for Stanwix? he frankly replied, "Sir, I have two or three reasons for taking Stanwix in exchange: first, it saved me double housekeeping, as Stanwix was within twenty minutes' walk of my house in Carlisle; secondly, it was 50_l._ a-year more in value; and, thirdly, I began to find my stock of sermons coming over again too fast." He was

A DISCIPLE OF IZAAK WALTON,

And carried his passion for angling so far, that when Romney took his portrait, he would be taken with a rod and line in his hand.

HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTED TO WRITE.

"When residing at Carlisle," he says, "if I wanted to write any thing particularly well, I used to order a post-chaise, and go to a quiet comfortable inn, at Longtown, where I was safe from the trouble and bustle of a family, and there I remained until I had finished what I was about." In this he was

A CONTRAST TO DR. GOLDSMITH,

Who, when he meditated his incomparable poem of the "Deserted Village," went into the country, and took a lodging at a farm-house, where he remained several weeks in the enjoyment of rural ease and picturesque scenery, but could make no progress in his work. At last he came back to a lodging in Green-Arbour Court, opposite Newgate, and there, in a comparatively short time, in the heart of the metropolis, surrounded with all the antidotes to ease, he completed his task--_quam nullum ultra verbum_.

PALEY'S DIFFICULTIES A USEFUL LESSON TO YOUTH.

Soon after he became senior wrangler, having no immediate prospect of a fellowship, he became an assistant in a school at Greenwich, where, he says, I pleased myself with the imagination of the delightful task I was about to undertake, "teaching the young idea how to shoot." As soon as I was seated, a little urchin came up to me and began,--"_b_-_a_-_b_, bab, _b_-_l_-_e_, ble, babble!" Nevertheless, at this time, the height of his ambition was to become the first assistant. During this period, he says, he restricted himself for some time to the mere necessaries of life, in order that he might be enabled to discharge a few debts, which he had incautiously contracted at Cambridge. "My difficulties," he observes, "might afford a useful lesson to youth of good principles; for my privations produced a habit of economy which was of infinite service to me ever after." At this time I wanted a waistcoat, and went into a second-hand clothes-shop. It so chanced that I bought the very same garment that Lord Clive wore when he made his triumphal entry into Calcutta.

IN HIS POVERTY HE WAS LIKE PARR.

The finances of the latter obliged him to leave Cambridge _without_ a degree; after he had been assistant at Harrow, had a school at Stanmore, and been head master of the grammar school at Colchester, and had become head master of that of Norwich, they remained so low that once looking upon a small library, says Mr. Field, in his Life of the Doctor, "his eye was caught by the title, 'Stephani Thesaurus Linguæ Græcæ,' turning suddenly about, and striking violently the arm of the person whom he addressed, in a manner very unusual with him, 'Ah! my friend, my friend,' he exclaimed, 'may _you_ never be forced, as _I_ was at Norwich, to sell that work--to _me_ so precious--from absolute and urgent necessity!'" "At one time of my life," he said, "I had but 14_l._ in the world. But then, I had good spirits, and owed no man sixpence!"

PORSON, TOO, WAS A CONTRAST TO PALEY.