Part 1

NUTS TO CRACK; OR, Quips, Quirks, Anecdote and Facete

OF

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE SCHOLARS.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "FACETIÆ CANTABRIGIENSES," ETC. ETC. ETC.

_PHILADELPHIA_: E. L. CAREY & A. HART. 1835.

PREFACE.

Though I intend this preface, prelude, or proem shall occupy but a single page, and be a _facile_ specimen of the _multum in parvo_ school, I find I have so little to say, I might spare myself the trouble of saying that little, only it might look a little odd (excuse my nibbing my pen) if, after writing a book, which by the way, may prove no book at all, I should introduce it to my readers,--did I say "READERS?"--what a theme to dilate upon! But stop, stop, Mr. Exultation, nobody may read your book, _ergo_, you will have no readers. Humph! I must nib my pen again. Cooks, grocers, butchers, kitchenmaids, the roast! Let brighter visions rise: methink I see it grace every room _Peckwater_ round: methink I see, wherever _mighty Tom_ sonorous peals forth his solemn "Come, come, come!" the sons of OXON fly to _Tallboys'_ store, or _Parker's_ shelves, and cry "_the_ Book, _the_ Book!" Methink I see in GRANTA'S streets a crowd for _Deighton's_ and for _Stevenson's_--anon, "_the_ Book, _the_ Book," they cry "Give us _the_ Book!" "_Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes?_" "Aye, that's _the_ Book!" And, then, methink I see on CAMUS' side, or where the Isis by her Christ Church glides, or Charwell's lowlier stream, methink I see (as did the Spanish Prince of yore a son of Salamanca beat his brow) some _togaed_ son of ALMA MATER beat, aye, laugh and beat his brow. And then, like Philip, I demand the cause? And then he laughs outright, and in my face he thrusts a book, and cries, "Sir, read, read, read, ha, ha, ha, ha!" and stamps and laughs the while;--and then, ye gods, it proves to be _the_ Book,--_Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes_--ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I cry you mercy, Sirs, read, read, read, read! From ETON, HARROW, WINCHESTER, and WEST, come orders thick as Autumn leaves e'er fell, as larks at Dunstable, or Egypt's plagues. The Row is in commotion,--all the world rushes by _Amen Corner_, or _St. Paul's_: how like a summer-hive they go and come: the very CHAPTER'S caught the stirring theme, and, like King James at Christ Church, scents a hum.[1] E'en CAXTON'S ghost stalks forth to beg a tome, and _Wynkyn's_ shroud in vain protests his claims. "There's not a copy left," cries _Whitt's_ or _Long's_, as Caxton bolts with the extremest tome, and Wynkyn, foiled, shrinks grimly into air,

Veil'd in a cloud of scarce black-letter lore.

Had Galen's self, sirs, _ab origine_, or Æsculapius, or the modern school of Pharmacopoeians drugged their patients thus, they long ago, aye, long ago, had starved; your undertakers had been gone extinct, and churchyards turned to gambol-greens, forsooth. Mirth, like good wine, no help from physic needs:--blue devils and ennui! ha, ha, ha, ha! Didst ever taste champagne? Then laugh, sirs, laugh,--"laugh and grow fat," the maxim's old and good: the stars sang at their birth--"Ha, ha, ha, ha!" I cry you mercy, sirs, _the_ Book, _the_ Book, _Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes_. OXONIANS hear! "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Let GRANTA, too, respond. What would you more? _the_ Book, sirs, read, read, read.

'Tis true, my work's a diamond in the rough, and that there still are _sparkling bits_ abroad, by wits whose wages _may not be to die_, would make it, aye, the very _Book of Books!_ Let them, anon, to _Cornhill_ wend their way (P.P.) to cut a figure in ED. sec. 3d, or 4th, from Isis or from Cam. What if they say, as MAUDLIN Cole of Boyle, because some Christ-Church wits adorned his page with their chaste learning, "'_Tis a Chedder cheese made of the milk of all the parish_,"--Sirs, d'ye think I'd wince and call them knave or fool? Methink I'd joy to spur them to the task! Methink I see the mirth-inspired sons of Christ-Church and the rest, penning Rich Puns, Bon-mots, and Brave Conceits, for ages have, at OXON, "borne the bell," and oft the table set in _royal_ roar. Methink I see the wits of CAMUS, too, go laughing to the task,--and then, methink, O! what a glorious toil were mine, at last, to send them trumpet-tongued through all the world!

[1] Sir Isaac Wake says in his _Rex Platonicus_, that when James the First attended the performance of a play in the Hall of Christ-Church, Oxford, the scholars applauded his Majesty by clapping their hands and _humming_. The latter somewhat surprised the royal auditor, but on its being explained to signify applause, he expressed himself satisfied.

CONTENTS.

PAGE Was Oxford or Cambridge first Founded? 13 Origin of this celebrated Controversy 16 Died of Literary Mortification 17 Sir Simon D'Ewes on Antiquity of Cambridge _ib._ Gone to Jerusalem 18 Cutting Retort--Liberty a Plant 19, 20 A Tailor surprised--Declining King George, &c. 20 Classical _Jeu D'Esprit_--Trait of Barrow 21 Inveterate Smokers 22 Lover of Tobacco--A Wager, &c. 22, 23 Newton's Toast--Piety of Ray 23 Devil over Lincoln--Radcliffe's Library 24 Traits of Dr. Bathurst--His Whip, &c. 25 Smart Fellows _ib._ Epigram--Tell us what you can't do? 26, 27 First Woman introduced into a Cloister 27 Cambridge Scholar and Ghost of Scrag of Mutton 28 Comparisons are odious 30 Jaunt down a Patient's throat--Difference of Opinion 30, 31 Petit-Maitre Physician--Anecdote of Porson 31 [Greek: Ou tode oud allo]--Aliquid--Di-do-dum 32 Bishop Heber's College Puns _ib._ Effect of Broad-wheeled Wagon, &c. 33 Queen Elizabeth and the Men of Exeter College, &c. 34 Oxonians Posed--Lapsus Grammaticæ 35 Latin to be Used--Habit--Concussion 36 Comic Picture of Provost's Election 37 Sir, Dominus, Magistri, Sir Greene 38 Husbands beat their Wives--Attack on Ladies 39 Doings at Merton--Digging Graves with Teeth 40 Doctor's Gratitude to Horse--John Sharp's Rogue 41 Said as how you'd See--Much Noise as Please 42, 43 Mad Peter-house Poet--Grace Cup 44, 45 Tertiavit--Capacious Bowl--Horn Diversion 46 Bibulous Relique--Christian Custom--Feast Days 47 Walpole at Cambridge--College Dinner 16th Century 49, 50 Black Night--Force of Imagination--Absent Habits 52, 53 Anecdotes of Early Cambridge Poets 54 Cromwell's Pear-tree, &c. 58 Stung by a B--Dr. P. Nest of Saxonists 61 Pleasant Mistake--Minding Roast 62 College Exercise--Bell--Fun--Tulip-time 62, 63 King of Denmark--King William IV. visit Cambridge 64, 65 Queen Elizabeth's Visit to Oxford and Cambridge 66, 67 First Dissenter in England 67 First English Play extant by Cambridge Scholar 68 Christ-Church Scholars Invented moveable Scenes 70 James I. at Oxford and Cambridge 71 Divinity Act--Latin Comedy 76, 77 Case of Precedence--Smothered in Petticoats 78, 79 Brief Account of Boar's Head Carols 79 Celebration of, at Queen's College, Oxon 83 Cleaving Block--Being little 84, 85 Traits of Porson--Wakefield--Clarke 87, 88 Blue Beans--University Bedels--Dr. Bentley 89, 90 Great Gaudy All-Souls Mallard 91 Oxford Dream--Compliments to Learned Men 96, 98 Point of Etiquette--Value of Syllable 101, 102 Cocks may Crow--Profane Scoffers 102 Jemmy Gordon--Oxford Wag 103, 106 Cambridge Frolics--Black Rash 107, 108 Old Grizzle Wig--Shooting Anecdotes 109, 110 Bishop Watson's Progress--Paley, &c. 111, 115 Oxford Hoax--Good Saying 116, 117 Walpole a Saint--Oxford famous for its Sophists, &c. 118 Laconic Vice--Usum Oxon--Pert Oxonians 120, 121 Corrupted Latin Tongue--Surpassed Aristotle, &c. 121 Set Aristotle Heels upwards--Art of Cutting 122, 123 Soldiers at Oxford Disputation, &c. 123 Captain Rag--Dainty Morsels 124, 125 Answered in Kind--Powers of Digestion 126, 127 Inside Passenger--Traits of Paley 128, 129 Lord Burleigh and Dissenters--Sayings 134, 135 Porson--Greek Protestants at Oxon 135, 136 Cambridge Folk--Gyps--Drops of Brandy--Dessert for Twenty, &c. 137, 138 Parr's Eloquence--Address--Vanity, &c. 140 Trick of the Devil--Three Classical Puns 142, 143 Acts--Pleasant Story--Epigram--Revenge 144, 145 Mothers' Darlings--Fathers' Favourites 146, 147 Iter Academicum--A Story 148, 149 Anecdotes of Freshmen 150 Lord Eldon--Whissonset Church 151, 152 Boots--Yellow Stockings--Fashion Hair 153, 154 Barber dressed--First Prelate wore Wig 155, 159 Boots, Spurs, &c. prohibited at Oxon 159 Whipping, &c.--Flying Cambridge Barber 159, 160 Isthmus Suez--Drink for Church 160, 161 Good Appetite--College Quiz--The Greatest Calf 162, 163 Like Rabelais--Ambassadors King Jesus at Oxon 163, 164 Effort Intellect--Dr. Hallifax--Dr. Tucker 164, 165 Distich--Skeleton Sermons--Paid First 165, 166 In the Stocks--Hissing--Posing--Gross Pun 167, 168 Family Spintexts--Alcock--Barrow, Parr, &c. 169, 170 Three-headed Priest--Burnt to Cinder 171, 172 Cantab Invented Short-hand--Humble Petition of Ladies 172, 173 Turn for Humour--Repartees--All over Germany 174, 175 Oxford and Cambridge Rebuses 175 Something in your way--Duns--Out of Debt 177 Queering a Dun--Gray and Warburton 179 Canons of Criticism--Bishop Barrington 181 Pulpit Admonition--Simplicity of great Minds 182 Singularities--Triple Discourse 184, 185 Traits of Lord Sandwich--Lapsus Linguæ 185, 186 Oxford and Cambridge Loyalty--Clubs, &c. 186, 189 Retrogradation--On-dit 190 Worcester Goblin--Cambridge Triposes 191, 192 Records of Cambridge Triposes--Wooden Spoon--Poll--Conceits of Porson, Vince, &c. 193, 194 Classical Triposes--Wooden Wedge--Disney's Song 197, 198 A Dreadful Fit of Rheumatism 199 Parr an Ingrate--Le Diable--Critical Civilities 200, 201 Sir Busick and Sir Isaac again--Cole: Deum 201, 202 Freshman's Puzzle 202 Sly Humourist--Noble Oxonian--Oxford Wag--Person of Gravity 203, 204 THE ENOUGH 204

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE

NUTS TO CRACK;

OR,

QUIPS, QUIRKS, ANECDOTE AND FACETE.

* * * * *

WAS OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE FIRST FOUNDED?

"Oxford must from all antiquity have been either somewhere or nowhere. Where was it in the time of Tarquinius Priscus? If it was nowhere, it surely must have been somewhere. Where was it?"--_Facetiæ Cant._

Here is a conundrum to unravel, or a nut to crack, compared to which the _Dædalean Labyrinth_ was a farce. After so many of the learned have failed to extract the kernel, though by no means deficient in what Gall and Spurzheim would call _jawitiveness_ (as their writings will sufficiently show,) I should approach it with "fear and trembling," did I not remember the encouraging reproof of "Queen Bess" to Sir Walter Raleigh's "Fain would I climb but that I fear to fall"--so _dentals_ to the task, come what may. A new light has been thrown upon the subject of late, in an unpublished "Righte Merrie Comedie," entitled "Trinity College, Cambridge," from which I extract the following

JEU DE POESIE.

When first our ALMA MATER rose, Though we must laud her and love her, Nobody cares, and nobody knows, And nobody can discover: Some say a Spaniard, one CANTABER, Christen'd her, or gave birth to her, Or his daughter--that's likelier, more, by far, Though some honour king BRUTE above her.

Pythagoras, beans-consuming dog, ('Tis the tongue of tradition that speaks,) Built her a lecture-room fit for a hog,[2] Where now they store cabbage and leeks: And there mathematics he taught us, they say, Till catching a cold on a dull rainy day, He packed up his _tomes_, and he ran away To the land of his fathers, the Greeks.

But our ALMA MATER still can boast, Although the old Grecian would go, Of glorious names a mighty host, You'll find in Wood, Fuller and Coe: Of whom I will mention but just a few-- BACON, and NEWTON, and MILTON will do: There are thousands more, I assure you, Whose honours encircle her brow.

Then long may our ALMA MATER reign, Of learning and science the star, Whether she were from Greece or Spain, Or had a king Brute for her Pa; And with OXON, her sister, for aye preside, For it never was yet by man denied, That the world can't show the like beside,-- Let echo repeat it afar!

[2] The School of Pythagoras is an ancient building, situated behind St. John's College, Cambridge, wherein the _old Grecian_, says tradition, lectured before Cambridge became a university. Whether those who say so _lie_ under a mistake, as Tom Hood would say, I am not now going to inquire. At any rate, "sic transit," the building is now a barn or storehouse for garden stuff. Those who would be further acquainted with this relique of by-gone days, may read a very interesting account of it extant in the Library of the British Museum, illustrated with engravings, and written by a Fellow of Merton College, Oxford, to which society, says Wilson, in his _Memorabilia Catabrigiæ_, "it was given by Edward IV., who took it from King's College, Cambridge. It is falsely supposed to have been one of the places where the Croyland Monks read lectures."

It matters little whether we sons of _Alma Mater_ sprung from the loins of Pythagoras, Cantaber, or the kings Brute and Alfred. They were all respectable in their way, so that we need not blush, "proh pudor," to own their paternity. But let us hear what the _cutting_ writer of _Terræ Filius_ has to say on the subject. "Grievous and terrible has been the squabble, amongst our chronologers and genealogists concerning

THE PRECEDENCE OF OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE.

What deluges of Christian ink have been shed on both sides in this weighty controversy, to prove which is the elder of the two learned and most ingenious ladies? It is wonderful to see that they should always be making themselves older than they really are; so contrary to most of their sex, who love to conceal their wrinkles and gray hairs as much as they can; whereas these two aged matrons are always quarrelling for seniority, and employing counsel to plead their causes for 'em. These are Old _Nick Cantalupe_ and _Caius_ on one side, and _Bryan Twynne_ and _Tony Wood_ on the other, who, with equal learning, deep penetration, and acuteness, have traced their ages back, God knows how far: one was born just after the siege of _Troy_, and the other several hundred years before Christ; since which time they have gone by as many names as the pretty little _bantling_ at _Rome_, or the woman that was hanged t'other day in _England_, for having twenty-three husbands. _Oxford_, say they, was the daughter of _Mempricius_, an old _British_ King, who called her from his own name, _Caer Memprick_, alias _Greeklade_, alias _Leechlade_, alias _Rhidycen_, alias _Bellositum_, alias _Oxenforde_, alias _Oxford_, as all great men's children have several names. So was _Cambridge_, say others, the daughter of one _Cantaber_, a _Spanish_ rebel and fugitive, who called her _Caergrant_, alias _Cantabridge_, alias _Cambridge_. But, that I may not affront either of these old ladies," adds this facetious but sarcastic writer, "I will not take it upon me to decide which of the two hath most wrinkles * * * *. Who knows but they may be twins."

Another authority, the author of the History of Cambridge, published by Ackermann, in 1815, says that

THIS CELEBRATED CONTROVERSY

Had its origin in 1564, when Queen Elizabeth visited the University of Cambridge, and "the Public Orator, addressing Her Majesty, embraced the opportunity of extolling the antiquity of the University to which he belonged above that of Oxford. This occasioned Thomas Key, Master of University, College, Oxford, to compose a small treatise on the antiquity of his own University, which he referred to the fabulous period when the Greek professors accompanied BRUTE to England; and to the less ambiguous era of 870, when Science was invited to the banks of the Isis, under the auspices of the great Alfred. A MS. copy of this production of Thomas Key accidentally came into the hands of the Earl of Leicester, from whom it passed into those of Dr. John Caius (master and founder of Gonvile and Caius Colleges, Cambridge,) who, resolving not to be vanquished in asserting the chronological claims of his own University, undertook to prove the foundation of Cambridge by CANTABER, nearly four hundred years before the Christian era. He thus assigned the birth of Cambridge to more than 1200 anterior to that which had been secondarily ascribed to Oxford by the champion of that seat of learning; and yet it can be hardly maintained that he had the best of the argument, since the primary foundation by the son of Æneas, it is evident, remains unimpeached, and the name of Brute, to say the least of it, is quite as creditable as that of Cantaber. The work which Dr. John Caius published, though under a feigned name, along with that which it was written to refute, was entitled, '_De Antiquitate Catabrigiensis Academiæ_, libri ii. _in quorum 2do. de Oxoniensis quoque gymnasii antiquitate disseritur, et Cantabrigiense longe eo antiquius esse definitur, Londinense Authore: adjunximus assertionem antiquitatis Oxoniensis Academiæ ab Oxoniensi quodam annis jam elapsis duobus ad reginam conscriptam in qua docere conatur, Oxoniense gymnasium Cantabrigiensi antiquius esse: ut ex collatione facile intelligas, utra sit antequior. Excusum Londini,_ A. D. 1568, _Mense Augusto, per Henricum Bynnenum,_ 12mo.'" and is extant in the British Museum. As may well be supposed by those who are acquainted with the progress of literary warfare, this work of Dr. John Caius drew from his namesake, Thomas Caius, a vindication of that which it was intended to refute; and this work he entitled "_Thomæ Caii Vindiciæ Antiquitatis Academiæ Oxoniensis contra Joannem Caium Cantabrigiensem._" These two singular productions were subsequently published together by Hearne, the Oxford antiquary, who, with a prejudice natural enough, boasts that the forcible logic of the Oxford advocate "broke the heart and precipitated the death of his Cambridge antagonist." In other words, Dr. John Caius, it is said,

DIED OF LITERARY MORTIFICATION,

On learning that his Oxford opponent had _prepared a new_ edition of his work, _to be published after his death_, in which he was told were some arguments thought to bear hard on his own. "But this appears to have as little foundation as other stories of the kind," says the editor of the History just quoted; "since it is not probable that Dr. John Caius ever saw the strictures which are said to have occasioned his death: for, as Thomas Caius died in 1572, they remained in MS. till they were published by Hearne in 1730;"--a conclusion, however, to which our learned historian seems to have jumped rather hastily, as it was just as possible that a MS. copy reached Dr. John Caius in the second as in the first case; and it is natural to suppose that the Oxford champion would desire it should be so. As a specimen of the manner in which such controversies are conducted, I conclude with the brief notice, that Tony Wood, as the author of _Terræ-Fillius_ calls him, has largely treated of the subject in his _Annals of Oxford_, where he states, that

SIR SIMON D'EWES,

When compiling his work on the antiquity of the University of Cambridge, "thought he should be able to set abroad a _new matter_, that was never heard of before, for the advancement of his own town and University of Cambridge above Oxford;" but "hath done very little or nothing else but renewed the old Crambe, and taken up Dr. Cay's old song, running with him in his opinions and tenets, whom he before condemning of dotage, makes himself by consequence a dotard." According to Sir Simon, "Valence College (_i. e._ Pembroke Hall) was the first endowed college in England;" "his avouching which," says Wood, "is of no force;" and he, as might be expected, puts in a claim for his own college (Merton, of Oxford,) "which," he adds, "Sir Simon might have easily known, had he been conversant with histories, was the oldest foundation in either University." Therefore, "if the antiquity of Cambridge depends upon Valence College (or rather, upon Peter House,) and that house upon this distich, which stood for a public inscription in the parlour window thereof, it signifies nothing:--

"Qua præit Oxoniam Cancestria longa vetustas Primatus a Petri dicitur orsa Domo."

He finally overwhelms his opponent by adding, that Oxford became a public University in 1264, and that a bull for the purpose was obtained the previous year, Cambridge then "_being but an obscure place of learning, if any at all_." Thus I have cracked _Nut the First_. Those who would add "sweets to the sweets" may find them in abundance in the writers I have named already; and the subject is treated of very learnedly by Dyer, in his _Dedication_ to his "Privileges of the University of Cambridge."

* * * * *

GONE TO JERUSALEM.