Part 14

"'My "Life of Jesus" will have three sections. The first will contain the Antecedents. I will start with the soil, the air, and the waters of Palestine. I will investigate the influence which the geology of Palestine had on Jesus; especially, whether the stratification of that soil does not correspond to the stratification of the mind of Jesus. In that way I will obtain the precise nomenclature of the various layers of the intellect, human and Messianic, of Jesus.

"'Thus, I will determine his palæolithic, neolithic, pliocene, miocene and other tertiary mental formations. That will be inestimable.

"'I will then proceed to a close analysis of the air in Palestine, and try to determine how much argon it contains. This, together with the jargon talked round Bethlehem, and a close study of the remains of the King Sargon will give me a solid foundation for my researches into the feelings of Jesus. I will thus make sure whether these feelings were subconscious, auto-hypnotic, auto-Röntgenising, æroplanesque, or zeppelinury.

"'Should I find some radium in the stones near Bethlehem or Nazareth, I shall be enabled to account for the precociousness and light-emitting gift of Jesus.

"'Once I have thus settled the Antecedents, I will proceed to His life. In accordance with the method of zoologists and biologists, to whom one fox is as good as another, and one rabbit as serviceable as another, I will study the daily life of a modern rabbi in Sichem, or Jerusalem.

"'I will measure his nose, his lips, the width and height of his mouth when yawning and when asleep, his weight, his rapidity of walk, the loudness of his voice, his pulse, his heart, his meals, and his drinks. This will give me valuable data for the life of Jesus. I will reduce all these data to finely-drawn statistical tables.

"'As soon as I shall be in possession of these tables I will attack the most important part of my work: I will not tire until I discover the microbe which imparted to all that Jesus said an extraordinary power of captivation. That microbe, I have no doubt, can be distilled from a comparative solution of Zoroaster, Buddha, Confucius, Mahomet and Jesus. I name it _microbus prophetizans Huxleyi_. I shall, I trust, isolate it and send specimens to the South Kensington Museum, I will----'

* * * * *

"When the white-haired one," said Socrates, "had arrived at that stage of his wanderings, I left the hall. I felt sea-sick. These little ones think that they can triangulate the human personality, because they have triangulated many of their countries. They never consider that triangulation, and all scientific methods, refer, and can refer only to quantity or material quality. There is no geometry of love, hatred, or spiritual power. It is the old error of the Pythagoreans which you, O Pythagoras, admitted to me after having whiled in Olympus for a few hundred years.

"Numbers are not the souls of things.

"Personality is the soul of things.

"We humans are pre-eminently creative. Our chief force is not intellect nor will-power. We are neither Hegelians nor Schopenhauerians. In point of sagacity many an animal transcends us; and did you not avow to me, O Leibniz, that the difference between you and a yokel is not so much in your being more intellectual, or in your having more brain-power, but in your having more creative power?

"Intellect, or the force of close thinking, may be found in abundance in the city of London. Had people devoted as keen an interest to science or philosophy as city men do to money transactions, we should be much further than we are.

"But people differ very much less in power of intellect than in strength of originality.

"The great men of Literature or Science or Art are not very much cleverer in point of intellect than is the rest of the people. They exceed them in point of originality; that is, they exceed them because they devote themselves to digging in unbroken ground. It is in this way they create.

"It is in this sense that each human is, to a certain extent, new ground; and consequently, that the Great Humans are absolutely new phenomena. In other words, they are new creations. They have an X in them that no x-rays can penetrate into.

"Science can comprehend averages only. _Nova_ she cannot approach. This is why Great Humans have invariably been disavowed, rejected, and pooh-poohed by men of Science.

"Why has a lily of the valley bell-like blossoms? Science will never explain it. Those bells are part of the personality of the lily; and Science can understand it as little as a crofter could understand a refined Athenian.

"You may imagine, O gods and heroes, what I felt when I heard so many clergymen talk so 'scientifically' of The Greatest of Humans, who by His being so was _eo ipso_ Supra-human too.

"Science is unable to account for a lily of the valley; and yet shall Science be able to reconstruct Jesus?

"I should have shrunk from the task of reconstructing, in the manner of men of Science, my Phrygian slave.

"One can re-recreate, as it were, many of the phenomena of Personality, but not by the methods of Science. Personalities belong to the Humanities, whose methods are totally different from those of Science proper.

"It was said of me that in my mortal time I brought Philosophy from Heaven to Earth. I wish, O Zeus, you would allow me to mix again with the people in order to raise their Philosophy from Earth to Heaven."

* * * * *

When Socrates had finished, a deep silence fell over the Assembly. In the divine face of Zeus there was no movement to be noticed, and not an encouraging word fell from his lips. Suddenly one heard a loud laughter. Everybody turned towards the place where the laughter came from, and felt relieved to see that Diogenes was preparing to address the Assembly. Zeus nodded consent, and the whilom Cynic spake as follows:

"Few things have afforded me greater pleasure than your tale, O Socrates. Verily I believe that your renewed presence among the little ones is much less needed than is mine. I am the only man that could set right the wrenched religious fibres of these mannikins and womenfolk. But for my respect for you and the Assembly, I should have burst into an unseemly laughter while you were talking of their New Religion, which is but a resurrection-pie less the resurrection.

"To talk to them seriously about the incapacity of any physical Science or its methods to cope with the problems of Religion is to waste precious time. Let them have their Evolution, Convolution, or Devolution, by all means. The more they welter in it, the more my pupils on earth have a welcome chance of success. The official clergy think wonders of their cleverness in trying to make Religion into a Centaur, half man, half horse, or half Science and half Belief. While they are at it, my pupils, infinitely cleverer than all the clergy, make glorious headway in all directions.

"Is it not side-splitting to note how these clergymen are unable to see that the more people learn of Science proper; the more they accustom their minds to the dry biscuits of scientific methods; the more they will inwardly long for the drinks of Mysticism?

"The Roman clergy, trained by two thousand years, knows all that but too well.

"Your plain soul, your hard-working, scientifically untutored peasant or small _bourgeois_ is quite satisfied with a little, hearty Belief, and is indifferent to Mysticism and religious Extravagancies. It is your high-strung, modern, scientifically trained mind that impatiently craves more than sober Science can give it.

"Just look at the Europoids in the western continent. In the United States everything is reasoned out, systematised, methodised to a nicety. Their whole life looks like their towns: regular squares; straight streets, named after the consecutive numbers; labelled, docketed, built and shaped according to definite rules. In an American town nothing surprises one, except that the people themselves do not have each his respective number painted on his back.

"As the streets, so are the Constitution, the Schools, the Territory,--everything is ruled like a sheet of music. In the 250,000 schools, in the 500,000 Universities, and the 600,000 libraries, all founded (or confounded?) by a few multis, you hear nothing but Reason, Reason, Reason. You get Reason boiled, roasted, fried or stewed. You get it from injectors, from which it will jet out in smaller or larger jets, so that if it be too much for you, one can, by pulling the piston backwards, again store it up in the injector.

"Instead of traditions, unarticulated tendencies, latent _sous-entendus_, and delicate imponderables, there are only machines, ledgers, and registers, articulated with a vengeance, cryingly explicit and loud and indelicate. Everything is bound in the leather of reasonableness, in the hide of method, and in the wooden boards of Logic. Instead of on the rich soup of sentiments, men and women in the States are fed on scientific tabloids containing sentiments reduced to their ultimate chemical essences. A woman laughs at romance; her relations to men are 'reasonable.' A child laughs at piety; his or her relations to parents are tanned by 'sense'! A servant sneers at loyalty; her relations to the masters are macerated in the vinegar of 'inalienable right of reason.'

"All this is excellent--for me. For, what happens?

"The Americans indulging in too many orgies of Reasonableness; the Americans having thrown over-board all motives of historic truth in order to live under the banner of reasoned truth only, have long since become sick of Reason. They resemble a crew on a big ship that has stored its pantries and larders with nothing else than meat-extracts and tabloids. That crew, after a month's journey or so, will unfailingly sink or else eat the most loathsome fish rather than continue feeding on its scientific food.

"After all, when all is said and done, the Americans too are humans. They too want more than tabloids and meat-extracts. Tons of tins will not replace one fresh cabbage. On this eternal truth my disciples go to work in the States.

"Fully aware, as they are, that the Americans must be and are deadly 'tired' of Reason, they hasten to give the people of the States the most exciting devices of Unreason. One of them invents Mormonism; the other, Spiritualism; the third, Zionism; the fourth, Oneidaism, or general Promiscuity; the fifth, Christian Science; the sixth, Incarnationism; and so forth, and so on, _ad infinitum_.

"Can my triumph be greater? I will carefully avoid telling them that by worshipping Apollo extravagantly while neglecting the great god Dionysus, they have fallen wretched victims to the wrath of the latter. Just let them go on writing contemptuous reflections on Greek Mythology, and glory in the 'wonderful century' in which Dionysus is declared to be a mere myth. As long as they do that, I shall not lack plenty of successful disciples, and my name will wax greater and greater, until nobody shall be able to find, even did he use the latest Edison lamp, a single well-balanced human in all the States.

"Why, then, take so many English clergymen and their evolutions round Evolution so gravely, O Socrates? They do what the Americans do: they overdo Reason. Do let them do it, and do not disturb my circles, as Archimedes said. I promise you, when next they introduce the 'latest' evolution, I will invite you to the sight, and you will enjoy the fun as you have rarely enjoyed anything. I have instructed a new set of pupils of mine to start _The_ new Religion in England. The 'New Religion' of a year or so ago is out of fashion. What these decadent vibrants want is another Religion. I have just received a Marconigram from below, and am in a position to tell you all about the latest capers of my pupils. May I do so?"

Diana and Aphrodite and Pallas Athena at once applauded, and their silvery laughter was joined by the rest of the gods and heroes. Dionysus sent two beautiful nymphs to make the resting-place of Diogenes more comfortable, and to offer him a cup of the wine of Capri, shining like gold and full of mirth. Diogenes, deeply bowing to the Great God, and to Zeus, then proceeded:

"I learn that _The_ Religion now to be started is based on what my dear disciples have agreed to call _Elysiograms_; a word formed _à la_ 'telegram,' 'marconigram,' and meant to denote messages from Elysium.

"It is quite evident that a generation of impatient eels such as the present instalment of the little ones, cannot possibly wait until after death for news from the other world. The sub-lunar world they have ransacked and swallowed, hair and flesh, and all. Before, in the morning, they have quite recovered from their sleep; and before they have quite finished their nerve-destroying first cup of Ceylon cabbage, they have, in their 'papers,' learnt all that has been going on in every quarter of the globe terrestrial.

"That globe begins to bore them. They must have a daily (or hourly?) column or two about what is going on in Elysium, let alone in Hades. It is indispensable for their digestion.

"Just fancy how very much more easily one could swallow one's lunch with just a little dose of Hades in it! While one tries to make a tunnel through the stony meat from Patagonia called Scotch beef, one would read with grim satisfaction how one's late creditor is maltreated in the torture-chamber of Hades. Why, one would feel so buoyant that one would even be able to finish a meal at the Cecil.

"You said, O Socrates, that their clergy adopt Evolution because of the authority it gives them. Surely, they can tarry no longer in adopting the improved means of communication. If Marconi can wire wirelessly to New York, how can the clergy stay lagging behind? They must needs go one better, and wire wirelessly to Elysium. Nothing can be plainer.

"People want it.

"Soon Messrs Wright will ascend the Rainbow and sit astride on it. Even before that, Herr Zeppelin will land the first German street-band on Mars; and, probably, ere that is done, Madame Curie will by means of a rock of Radium as big as St Paul's illumine and read all the vast depths of the unexplored Heavens.

"How, under these circumstances, can the clergy remain behind? It is unthinkable. Accordingly, it is understood that the _Daily Nail_ and the _Crony_ will have every day a column called _Elysiograms_. It will consist of single words, numbers, signs, exclamations, and pauses, _elysiogrammed_ from over there. Some paragraphs will consist of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dots only. They will be the most interesting. These messages will be carefully distinguished from massages. They will be quite different. They will give the most astounding news. My principal pupil, Professor Oliver Nodge, just marconied me the latest _Elysiogram_, which he was fortunate enough to receive to-day:

"'Rather hot day to-night.--Feel depressed as if I had exchanged ideas with Mr H.C.--4, 0,--:!--Place here somewhat out of date.--Do send me _Times_ more regularly.--Can now see that flannels do not conduce to health.--Never forget to wind up your watch!--Death is a mere incident in Life.--If you can avoid it, don't die!--It is a failure.--34, 56, 78, 90, 12....'"

When Diogenes had finished reading the _Elysiogram_ of his pupil, even Hephæstus (Vulcan), otherwise so grave, broke out in a tremendous laughter which made one of the tiers of the Coliseum shake like an elm-tree in a gale.

"I am delighted to see," continued Diogenes, "that my pupils contribute to your amusement. It is indeed beyond a doubt that without them this world would be considerably staler and duller than it is. You may imagine that my pupils will not rest contented with a daily column in a newspaper.

"They will found Elysiogram papers of their own; found Elysiogram Churches; build up Elysiogram congregations; deliver Elysiogram sermons; in short, they will establish _The New Religion_ of--_Elysionism_.

"In this marvellous Religion the believer is given all the shivers, cardiac vibrations, nervous shocks and prostrate contritions, pleasantly alternated with ecstatic exuberance, that he may wish for.

"In that respect it is far superior to any music hall.

"These funny clergymen rage against the music halls. But why have they abolished all public, gay, and variegated Church festivals, such as the Middle Ages had introduced in plenty? The public do want to have their shocks and shivers. If the Church does not provide some of them, music halls will.

"We Hellenes did everything to render Religion attractive and enjoyable. Our religious processions and public festivals were gorgeous with colours, fun, art, music, and touching piety.

"How could any Hellene have felt the need of a modern music hall, this the last degradation of the human intellect, worse than the Roman gladiatorial games, worse than the Spanish bull-fights, worse than the worst of French novels.

"If, therefore, the clergy will take our New Religion into the least consideration, they will forthwith see the immense advantages thereof. In _Elysionism_ the most languorously delicate of the elegant ladies will at last find what she has all this time been hankering for.

"In the morning when she gets up between twelve and two o'clock, she will with religious shivers reach after the Elysiogram press. With burning eye she will run over the columns in search of the latest _Elysiogram_. Just think of her excitement on finding, in one paragraph or another, some indiscretion of one of her departed friends, male or female, regarding her. Just imagine how she will devoutly run to the editor of the paper, or to the _Elysiop_, that is, the chief bishop of the New Religion, offering him £100, £200, nay £500 for the 'tranquillity' of the poor soul in Elysium from whom came that disquieting par. The _Elysiop_ will promise to do his best and will--enter the £500 _pour les frais de l'église_. What a delightfully exciting experience to have!

"Later on in the day, the same lady will enjoy the anxiety of a lady friend of hers who is waiting for an _Elysiogram_ from her husband who disappeared a few months before without sending his faithful wife the correct official statement of his departure. What exquisite moments of nervous expectation to pass!

"For a few further bank-notes _pour les frais de l'église_, the liberating _Elysiogram_ appears.

"Imagine the interest with which sermons delivered by the Elysiop, Elysiarch, or the Elyseacon, will be attended by the _beau monde_. The preacher after the customary introduction will pull from his pocket the latest _Elysiograms_, which are notoriously frequent on Saturdays. Artistically pausing before he begins reading them out, he will fill all these vibrants with the most dainty nervous wrenchings and twistings.

"Then slowly he will report to them the latest news from Elysium and Hades. With that justice so characteristic of the Powers of the Other World, the pleasant news, full of consolation and comfort, is addressed to such members as have proved zealous in deed and alms to the Church. On the other hand, members whose zeal left much to be desired, are treated to news that makes both kinds of their hair stand on end.

"Where is the music hall or even the theatre that will be in a position to vie with such a Church in intense attractiveness? Once the classes as well as the masses are drawn to it, some Oxford or Liverpool professor will speedily come forward with the new dogmatics of _Elysionism_; and in less than three years Prof. Harnack of Berlin will write its history of dogmatics, and publish maps about its geographical distribution.

"Amongst the innumerable blessings of this Religion there is one the value of which cannot be exaggerated, let alone properly estimated. I mean, of course, its vast resources for healing all diseases. It is patent that once we stand in continuous and direct communication with Elysium, we can easily inquire from our departed ones what we ought to do in case of illness. Since a given individual in Elysium who died of, say, hay-fever has traversed all its stages, and is naturally more conversant with it than any terrestrial doctor can ever be, knowing thereof not only the stages passing on earth but also those going on beyond the Rainbow; he is in the best of positions to advise a patient what to do and what not to do. Especially, when one takes into consideration that according to the most authentic _Elysiograms_, written by Prof. Nodge's own Elysio-typer, all departed people agree that hay-fever, appendicitis, pneumonia, etc., are only the _noms de plume_ of Dr Smith, Dr Jones, Dr Jenkinson, and so on.

"We shall, accordingly, in any case of illness, simply communicate the symptoms to Elysium and ask for detailed instructions from such of the Elysians as have died of that disease. In that way we are sure to heal all diseases much more rapidly than even Christian Science or Mahometan Chemistry could do.

"We shall sell Elysio-pills, with which no Beecham's Pill will be able to compete; and using the indications we shall receive from over the Acheron, we shall have _dépôts_ of Elysian Waters triumphing over Hunyady János, Carlsbad Sprudel, Contrexéville, or Aix-les-Bains.

"In fact, since the Kaiser is well known to be in close relations to the Upper World, and an intimate friend of Providence, we shall arrange through him an Elysian Bath, somewhere near Nauheim.

"Then our Religion will be complete.

"It will have its unique Press, its hierarchy, its liturgy, sermons, pills, waters, and watering-places, let alone its Pleasant Sunday Afternoons, moral gymnasiums, self-denial weeks, and special wireless costumes.

"The extant religions will all disappear; religious unity will reign over the whole world, and if you, O Zeus, will consent to it, I shall personally preside at my headquarters in Westbourne Park Chapel."

The speech of Diogenes was received with hearty applause, and even stern Demosthenes congratulated him on his idea of offering a really new shake-up to the tired nerves of the poor human tremolos of Mayfair and the East End.

Several of the gods volunteered to send messages for the _Elysian Times_, and Cæsar proposed that he and Alexander the Great, Pericles, and other heroes send messages counterdicting the extant Greek and Roman histories of their exploits, in order to enjoy the huge fun arising from the confusion amongst scholars.

* * * * *

When the hilarity of the Assembly had reached its maximum, Zeus addressed them as follows:

"Before, O Friends, we part from here repairing to Olympus, and eventually to Japan and China, I propose that Plato give us his serious impression of what turn the next religious phase of the little ones will take. I entitle him even to say, with due moderation, what turn it shall take."

Plato, rising from his seat near Socrates and Aristotle, first bowed to Zeus, and then to Apollo whom he requested to allow his priests to intone the sacred hymn of Delphi. That hymn, Plato said, had been handed down from hoary antiquity, and was the song best fitted to fill the hearts of men with the sentiment of religion; the Roman Church, he added, still retained it. Apollo nodded consent, and forthwith the archons of Delphi, aided by the great choir of the Parthenon, filled the still night with mighty harmonies. The simple tunes rose into the heights like columns upon which the singers finally laid down capitals, architraves and pediments of serene melodies, until all Rome and the surrounding plains and valleys seemed changed into one vast musical temple, while the echo of the Albanian Mountains handed the rhythms and cadences on to stern Soracte and the Apennines.

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