PART THREE
THE LOWDOWN
(_Confidential!_)
28. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO GET HERE FIRST
The trouble with most books about New York is that their authors seem to think you are already here, before you begin to read the first page.
Though this is the atomic age, with transport planes winging through the air at 400 miles an hour, no one has yet materialized a magic carpet.
We take it for granted you plan to travel by one of the conventional means: train, plane, bus, ship or car. Allowances also will be made for hitchhikers and those who ride the rods. New York is no place for those who come by motorcycle or camel or trailer. There are no trailer parks or motels or roadside rooming houses in or near the city.
At this stage of the game, we will not inquire into your motives, though later on we expect you to do a bit of soul searching--confidential--to discover in which category you fit.
If you are attracted by the glimmer of the lights or the gold of the markets, it's all the same to us. But first you've got to get here.
Choice space on de luxe trains, planes and ships will always be at a premium. It was so before the war and it is now. We assume you are coming here first class. And, coming for business or pleasure, we strongly recommend it.
If for the former, there's nothing like putting on a front. It also helps you feel important to yourself. If for the latter, why not have all the conveniences?
* * * * *
If traveling by plane (and it's your first flight) try to go nonstop. You will find that once aloft, you have no sensation of flying; it's the landings and take-offs that jitter the tyro.
If you're coming by train, try to get a private bedroom. Never take anything smaller than a drawing room for two people. (Most experienced travelers demand a compartment for one.)
(INSIDE STUFF: But the prettiest gals usually travel in coach trains or on the cheaper Pullmans. Passengers on extra-fare trains are almost entirely businessmen and some couples. It is difficult to make friends on such trains as the 20th Century and the Super Chief, because most passengers keep to their rooms for the entire trip. On the other hand, those who ride the more moderately priced trains are friendlier and easier to talk to. Travel etiquette does not prevent you from talking to the sweet sister in the next seat. But if you do, you are expected to invite her into the diner and pick up her check.)
Federal and many state laws make it illegal to offer a premium for plane or train reservations. But it is no crime, of course, to tip a hotel porter liberally for securing same.
Railroad and airline employes are forbidden to accept gratuities for tickets. But, during the war, experienced travelers found a legal joker which they are still using.
If you have difficulty getting a reservation to New York, go up to your local ticket agent and say to him, "I bet you $20 you can't get me a compartment on the Century tomorrow."
He doubtless will take you up.
And, strangely enough, he will win.
* * * * *
Neither railroads nor inland steamship lines are curious about the lady who accompanies you into your berth, compartment or drawing room.
If you pay for and buy your ticket for two, in advance, no questions are asked, nor does the line have authority to eject you if you forgot to buy her a wedding ring.
(INSIDE STUFF: Though Pullman employes may request the lady you met on the train to leave your room, they seldom do.)
(INSIDE STUFF: It is a felony to transport females across state lines for immoral purposes.)
(INSIDE STUFF: Adultery is a felony in New York State. But there hasn't been a prosecution in more than 100 years.)
Experienced travelers carry as little baggage as possible. Furthermore (especially if you're female) you'll want to buy most of your clothes in New York.
Domestic airlines limit you to 40 pounds of luggage per person with a stiff surcharge for extras.
Tipping is not permitted on airlines and your stewardess will be insulted if you offer her one. But you are expected to remunerate the red cap porters who carry your luggage from cab to plane or airport bus.
On the contrary, your every move by train requires you to shell out.
Though most amateur travelers know they are supposed to tip red caps, Pullman porters and dining-car waiters, few realize the importance of slipping the diner steward a few bucks, five at least for a couple is usual if there are several meals.
Unless you have ridden with him before and he knows you give, you should hand him his as soon as you enter the diner for your first meal.
At a cost of a few dollars you will change your trip, especially a long one, from an experience in inferiority to one that's at least tolerable.
The non-tipper stands in line for a table, eats only what's on the menu (if still in stock) and gets the general pushing around he deserves.
But for the tall tipper, the steward turns the car inside out, whispers of steaks, mountain trout, and front-riding seats and tables from which the parsimonious will be barred.
The warning given all prospective voyagers in naïve old days, to beware of gamblers on trains, is no longer believed generally necessary. Human nature hasn't changed, but trains have.
As already pointed out, passengers in de luxe cars keep to their rooms, whereas those who mix more are in the cheaper coach trains and therefore probably not considered bait by the predatory.
But watch your luggage in stations, especially for the old switch racket, in which the operator substitutes a bag resembling yours, stuffed with old telephone books, for your own valuable belongings.
At this writing, liquor is not sold or served to stock passengers on domestic planes except Northwest Airlines and it is against rules to tote your own hip pocket flask to drink while aloft. But no one cares if you do.
Most through trains carry club cars, in which excellent hooch is sold at moderate prices. Liquor is not sold in club cars or diners while traveling through dry states (such as Kansas) or on Sunday in many wet states (such as Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana).
If you can't do without your firewater, consult the ticket agent before boarding the train. Most club cars stop serving at 11 P.M., but if you tip the porter he'll provide you in advance with sufficient individual drink bottles and set-ups to keep you happy all the way.
Club cars, incidentally, are the only ones in which you can meet people on de luxe trains. If you fancy a gal sitting in one, etiquette permits you to offer a drink.
Dolls who don't want such overtures shouldn't sit in club cars alone.
Of all travelers, the bus passenger finds himself at once in the most congenial crowd and the most uncomfortable surroundings. But, for the young or the adventurous, it holds prospects seldom found in planes or trains.
Before you've gone 100 miles you are addressing the person next to you by the first name. If it should be an overnight trip, and she is cute and young, the odds are you'll be cuddling to keep warm after the lights are dimmed and the others drop off.
If it's a two-day trip, you'll be engaged to marry before you reach the Hudson, and probably will have to.
The experts on such things tell us you find the prettiest girls (and handsomest men) on buses.
The dolls from the far, small places, who come to Gotham for gold and glory, to be chorines or models, seldom have more than a few dollars, which must be stretched to the limit. The bus is the economy way.
Joe Russell, a New York press agent, has achieved some local fame for usually being the first to escort the latest young innocent beaut in town.
We investigated to find out how he got them and learned that he made a practice of haunting the bus terminals and talking to the pretty ones who alighted.
He asked them if they came to get in show business and usually got an affirmative answer. Then he offered to help them, and sometimes did, but not before he had a chance to show them off before the wolves at the hot spots.
Many of these gals advanced; a few are stars.
When the others discovered his racket, some of them, too, began haunting bus stations. Our enterprising friend again jumped the gun.
He began going to Philadelphia, where he boarded a northbound bus from the deep south. It's 100 miles from Philly to New York. Joe is a fast worker. Before the bus reached Newark, he had the names of all the likely squabs.
O.K. So you're in New York now. If you came by plane, the airline limousine will transport you to the center of the city. Smart guys take a cab from the airport. It's faster, and it's as cheap or cheaper if two or more are riding. But if you arrived by train, you'll face your first major problem trying to get a cab at Grand Central or Pennsylvania Terminal.
(INSIDE STUFF: New York cabs are permitted to carry no more than one party and no more than six passengers.)
Your redcap will be of great assistance, but you must let him know in advance that you'll take care of him liberally if he puts you in a cab.
(The railroad exacts a charge of 25 cents for each unit carried. The redcap doesn't get this. If you want him to get you a cab, promise him at least $1 for two bags.)
You may stand for an hour at the regular station loading platform. In Grand Central, smarties duck upstairs to Vanderbilt Avenue. At Pennsylvania, they go to the unloading platform instead of the loading one, for the same reason.
It is hoped you made your hotel reservation in advance, before leaving home, and got a wire confirming. New York has the worst housing shortage in history and no building program can overcome it before 1955.
But if you are an optimist and didn't make arrangements, don't ask strangers in stations to recommend a hotel or rooming house.
And never take a cab driver's advice.
The Travelers' Aid Society maintains a desk at all terminals where such information is free. Or else step into a phone booth and call the Hotel Association of New York.
Young people, especially girls, who do not know their way around, are especially invited to make use of the Travelers' Aid facilities. It's no disgrace, no confession of weakness. It's protection. The public supports it.
Girls are warned not to talk to strangers who mosey up to them in stations.
If you know what hotel you're bound for, do not allow the redcap or cab driver to steer you elsewhere.
If the cabbie argues, call a cop, or tell the driver to take you to a police station.
(INSIDE STUFF: Gotham's hack drivers are an honest, intelligent lot, carefully investigated by the police before being given licenses, and seldom involved in crime. A bad one slips in only now and then.)
29. ROOM WITH ADJOINING BLONDE
There are "family" hotels in New York, where any woman is your wife. That just goes to show you the variety of accommodations in the Metropolis.
But try to get a room.
It is estimated that Gotham's hostelries can sleep 200,000 guests. But we have a million daily visitors.
When the cab brings you to your hotel, try to look important. We realize that for many that's not easy.
But if you flash big bills while paying the driver and give him a generous tip in view of the doorman, word will precede you before you reach the desk.
(INSIDE STUFF: New York cabbies spit on dime tippers. A quarter is legit, even for a quarter haul.)
You will now stand in front of the awesome functionary known as the room-clerk. Do not quail. Do not quake. Radiate confidence.
If there are no eavesdroppers, try the "I betcha" gag outlined for railroad tickets in the previous chapter.
Say "I betcha 20 bucks you can't give me a room and bath."
But if you think you'll be overheard by others, try this stunt.
Palm a $20 bill in your hand. Reach out to the clerk, shake his flipper and say, "Hi ya, glad to see you again. You've got that reservation for Jones, haven't you?"
* * * * *
For that 20, he will.
In normal times you can be choosey about your hotel, picking the one that suits your tastes and wallet. But now, thank high heaven if you get in a flop joint.
Generally speaking, the kind of yokels we spell with a capital "Y" prefer inns in the Times Square district. The tariffs are moderate and the location ideal for gawkers.
But smart visitors come over to Fifth, Madison, Park and Lexington Avenues. Businessmen quite often check in at hotels near the two rail terminals.
New York's huge needle trade industry is centered around Penn Station. The printing trades cluster around Grand Central.
The chief hotels for women only are the Barbizon, the Allerton and the Martha Washington.[1] At the Henry Hudson and others there are floors entirely reserved for women. The Y.W.C.A. provides less luxurious but comfortable accommodations.
Invariably, these hotels refuse to permit male visitors in guests' rooms, but in case of illness, physicians are, of course, allowed to visit patients.
Until the management got wise, the favorite ruse of lovelorn couples pleasure bent was for the doll to notify the desk that she was ill and expecting her doctor.
Soon the pseudo-medico would arrive, carrying a black bag. Some gals got away with it ... but no more. Now, when they say their doctor is coming, the hotel nurse remains in the room with the patient all through the "examination."
Most hotels will not rent rooms to ladies and gents who check in without baggage, even though they offer to pay in advance.
* * * * *
(INSIDE STUFF: But practically every hotel lobby contains a drug or novelty store that sells paper-backed overnight bags, as low as 99 cents. Buy one, fill it with a dozen magazines, and you're set.)
* * * * *
Hotels, of course, have no legal right to demand to see your wedding license. Suspicious couples are brushed off with the usual, "Sorry, no rooms."
But if you call first, and are given a reservation by phone, then the hotel must accommodate you.
One large and famous New York hostelry was recently stuck for a huge settlement when a perfectly respectable married couple from the suburbs, caught in town over night, phoned for a room.
They were told to come right over. When the room clerk saw no baggage, he refused to permit them to register, though they offered to pay in advance. The irate husband insisted the lady was his wife, but the clerk turned up his nose.
Later, the guests' attorneys proved to the management that it was costly to make such mistakes.
Before the war, many hotels operated OVERNIGHT CLUBS for their special guests, and by the time this appears in print, may be doing so again.
The privileges of these clubs included the right to check in at any hour of the day or night, with or without your wife, and without questions if you possessed no baggage other than the girl.
In that event, the hotel supplied pajamas, toothbrush, Kleenex, razor blades, etc., as well as feminine requisites, even intimate ones. Among the hotels with Overnight Clubs were the Waldorf, the Lexington, the Piccadilly, Plymouth and some branches of the Knott Chain.
Membership in these clubs was obtained by advance reference that could be checked or by being recommended by other members.
Application to hotel credit managers will enable you to open a charge account at most hotels and have bills sent to your home or office, in or out of town. You can cash checks, too.
* * * * *
(INSIDE STUFF: It is a specific crime to obtain lodging or food in a hotel with intent to defraud.... But hotels are obligated by common and statute laws to serve all comers to their capacity.... Guests may not be barred because of race or creed or the cut of their clothes.... But hotels are not required to cater to intoxicated or disorderly persons.... Their Association will spend a fortune to track down anyone who swindles them out of a few dollars.)
* * * * *
Most New York inns are liberal, adult in their attitude toward visitors of the opposite sex, even at night.
So long as you are quiet and orderly, and don't shout or keep your radio on too loud, the house dick probably won't bother you.
There is even some doubt among legal experts here whether New York hotels have the right to throw customers out into the street for the mere offense of entertaining gals or guys--as the case may be--in their rooms, because they failed to stop off at Niagara Falls.
* * * * *
(INSIDE STUFF: If you permit someone--even of the same sex--to occupy your room all night, without first registering him or her in at the desk, the hotel can prosecute you for defrauding it of the extra tariff charged for two in a room.)
* * * * *
In 1945, the house detective of a West Side hotel catering to tourists and the family trade, busted into a room occupied by a female guest--redheaded--because he saw a soldier enter it.
He found the couple in an embarrassing state of negligee.
The gal covered herself as well as she could, told the dick the man she was entertaining was her husband.
"Lady, I've heard that one before," replied the flat-foot.
But here's the pay-off: They _were_ married. He was en route through town from one camp to another, had four hours between trains. It was in the afternoon, so she didn't bother to check him in.
Both sued the hotel for fabulous sums. His was thrown out because he wasn't a registered guest. But the courts awarded the gal a heavy judgment.
Hotels are, of course, required by law to provide every possible protection for the property and persons of guests. The innkeeper is not responsible for the loss of portable valuables such as jewels or money, unless checked or in safe-deposit boxes, furnished free on request.
When leaving your room, always double lock the door from the outside. While this precaution will not prevent a sneak thief from entering, it will enable police to determine, from the condition of the lock, whether it was an outside job or an inside one with a passkey.
* * * * *
Hotel lobbies are convenient places for lonesome people of either sex to find someone to help them forget their loneliness. But if you are NOT looking for adventure DO NOT talk to strangers in lobbies.
It's wise not to mention your room number to strangers whom you meet in lobbies, and don't answer a knock on your room door unless the visitor has first announced himself on the house phone.
Many a gal has been konked on the head and raped, and many a man has found himself knocked out and his valuables gone because they opened to a tap.
* * * * *
If you hear a disturbance in another room, don't get helpful and join in. Phone the desk, or forget it.
* * * * *
(INSIDE STUFF: Switchboard operators at most hotels have been instructed by the management to listen in on your calls and report pertinent things they hear.
That's how they get wise, even in the biggest hotels, when you have a visitor in your room, often before the visitor arrives.)
* * * * *
New York hotels are not set up for kids or dogs. Many will not accept guests with animals. Find out if yours will before bringing the mutt from home.
* * * * *
A show girl we know recently told us that only dumb girls prefer musicians. She said smart gals chose bartenders and captains of waiters for sweethearts, because these gentry always have money--and while she waited for them to finish work, she could drink champagne--at the boss's expense.
But, said the cutie, the best of all guys--if a twerp is lucky enough to get one--is a hotel bellhop. The only trouble with that aristocracy, she continued, was that they were too snooty and hard to get. They have the pick of the hotel.
The bell captain is the kingpin. He knows everyone and everything, can get you liquor after closing, women, men, anything at any hour; find a pair of nylons, a traveling crap game, or clean diapers for your pride and joy.
Conveniences and necessities provided by this functionary are to be rewarded lavishly. Ask for him if you want extraordinary service.
It is difficult and dangerous to fall in with streetwalkers on the avenues, and next to impossible to locate a gambling den or a house of joy.
But the cops can't put a man on every bellboy. Many of them become intermediaries for purveyors of the particular kind of surreptitious pleasure you may seek; many also use them when the end in view isn't particularly sinful.
For instance, they are strangers in town, find themselves in the mood to see a show or go dancing with a nice young lady. What do they do? Call the boy, of course. He gets them what they want.
There is a difference--more than a subtle difference--between "call" girls and "party" girls, as previously set out.
Those in the first category go through all the earlier motions--and the later ones, too. But the party girls are just what their name implies.
They'll dine and dance with you, court and even romance with you. But they aren't prostitutes, if that's what you're looking for, and when it's time to go home, they go to their own home, unless you've clicked hard and registered high appeal.
Many of these gals are models or show gals trying to earn a few extra bucks, honestly.
Some of the call girls are also models or chorines, but their extra few bucks aren't earned so honestly, by pious standards.
FOOTNOTES:
[Footnote 1: INSIDE STUFF: If the gal you're calling isn't home, ask the operator at the woman's hotel if any others said they're lonesome. They frequently confide in the "Hello Girl."]
30. TIPS ON THE TOWN
I. How to duck your wife or husband. II. What to do and where to go. III. Do it with what?
Problem I is only for the married.
This chapter is mainly concerned with problem II.
As for problem III, you will have to find the wherewithal yourself. Those without it are advised to remain in Steubenville and learn about New York from these pages.
Those without wives, husbands, children, mistresses, dogs or other encumbrances may skip the next few paragraphs.
I
Most married men of our acquaintance who visit New York regularly tell their wives it's a business trip and get away with leaving the madame home. Once a year, however, or maybe twice, she insists on coming to Manhattan. She wants to shop and see the shows.
Now, if you are a smart guy, you will try to arrange your next such trip to coincide with the similar hop by your best friend and his wife.
You will find that, if supplied with dough, the women will keep occupied all day every day, foraging in the shops.
Though it's more difficult to get rid of them at night, it can be done if you and your pal are halfway intelligent. You will want to load them up with tickets for all the highbrow shows, the opera and concerts, and pull the oldie about "Hon, you know I'll fall asleep if I sit through that."
Or you can tell 'em you and the pal have an important business date and will meet them at the hotel later.
But if you are here with your old lady and have no one to park her with, you are in trouble.
You can find some free daylight time, naturally, by bundling her off to the shops or the hairdresser's, or alibiing with business. But, we ask you, what are you going to do with yourself in the daytime?
New York is strictly an owl town.
You might take a dance lesson at one of the numerous Arthur Murray branches or sit in a lobby and try your luck at ogling the dolls or kibitz with the manicurist, but none of these are exciting and they can be done better in your home town.
You know your wife better than we do, but if you can't check her in a theatre by herself at night, or if you have no relatives in town to leave her with, you are out of luck.
* * * * *
Married ladies will not need our professional advice on ducking husbands. They know how. And husbands rarely refuse.
For the married couples who do want to make our town together, but are handicapped by children, dogs or canaries, ask the bellboy for services that mind infants, walk dogs and sit up with older children.
* * * * *
MIDNIGHT MANNERS: Don't bring children to night clubs unless it's someone else's precocious daughter. Visitors, who have no other place to leave them, are the worst offenders. Cabarets are not for schoolkids--even at the early dinner shows.
II
If you haven't a date, get one.
Call the bellboy or refer to Chapter 33 for friendship services.
* * * * *
(INSIDE STUFF: When a guy calls for you in a limousine or private car bearing a license number in the 82 series, it's rented.
Hirers of rented limousines may be phonies or wise guys. If you want to make believe, there's no better way of putting on the dog than engaging a Carey Car--a brand new Cadillac limousine with uniformed chauffeur, rate $5 an hour, less over considerable periods.
Many legitimate people also use these rented cars, sometimes hiring them by the month or year. They get 24-hour chauffeur service, perfectly conditioned cars, and thus eliminate garage, repair and insurance worries.
Other wise guys use these cars to go to the theatre, airport or outside the city limits. The fee is only slightly more than a cab, and cars are always available by phone. It saves time and trouble of waiting and whistling for cabs and arguing with drivers.)
* * * * *
New York, unlike other large cities, does not permit doubling of parties in taxis, and neither the passenger nor the driver is permitted to make an exception.
Main reason for this rule is Gotham's huge transient population. Permitting strangers to share cabs would open an easy avenue of access for thieves and trollops to meet and make up to their quarry.
Under our law, a cab must take you wherever you want to go inside the city limits.
If the driver refuses to carry you to your destination order him to take you to the nearest police station.
There are no extra charges on or off the meter, other than 50 cents for trunks and waiting time. Pay only what appears on the meter, plus a tip.
* * * * *
If you are waiting for a cab at a public place, such as a hotel, theatre, night club, railroad station or hack stand, you must take the first in the feed line, if there is one there, instead of grabbing the one discharging passengers. This is a city ordinance.
* * * * *
It is next to impossible to obtain theatre tickets for the hits, and those you can get you won't want.
* * * * *
There are, of course, the licensed ticket agents or "brokers" which you will find in every hotel lobby and around Times Square. They are permitted by law to charge a nominal premium.
But these brokers seldom have up-front seats for hits for the same night.
For any sell-out show or for an important baseball, football or other sports event, you must figure in an added premium of from two to five dollars per ticket, often more.
Your bellboy may be able to dig the ducats for you, or he can recommend a scalper who bootlegs them above legal price.
Otherwise, try your luck bribing the ticket agent's clerk.
If you don't have to plan in advance, a good tip is to go to the box office just at curtain time. Quite often you can get excellent seats at list price, and sometimes even cheaper when the last-minute returns come in from the agencies.
The choice tickets for the hits are in the hands of brokers and scalpers long before the shows first come to Broadway, through what is known in theatrical parlance as "buys." The big agencies underwrite the shows before they are produced by buying anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000 worth of tickets in advance.
Many expensive shows could not be produced if this money were not forthcoming from the speculators.
At the same time, the specs take a terrific gamble, for if the show is a flop they are stuck with worthless pasteboard.
That is why the premium for the hits is so steep, to let them recoup losses.
As aforementioned, the licensed officers do not sell tickets to strangers above legal maximums. For that reason, strangers rate only the secondary choice of seats, if any.
The good ones, way down in front, are held back for regular charge customers, for clubs and for the guy who tips the bellboy liberally.
* * * * *
Restaurant and supper club reservations can be made in advance by phone, but unless the headwaiter knows you, you will find your table behind a post or along the wall when you get there. Also, places like El Morocco refuse phone reservations from all except regulars, and the regulars don't need them.
If you point to one unoccupied in a position of better vantage, the functionary will show you the "Reserved" sign.
The odds are it is not reserved, but is being kept for a liberal tipper.
Now, there are only two ways of beating this system. The first and best is to slip the headwaiter a few bucks. He will suddenly discover that he has made a slight error and the table he is really holding for you is way up front, on the ringside, because the reservee died a few minutes ago.
The other way is to get tough about it and threaten to walk out if he doesn't give you a better table.
If the place is doing any kind of business at all, they will let you walk. But if they give you a better table it usually shows that things are so bad (either because of a bum show or lousy food) you won't want to stay anyway.
Headwaiters at some of the swank night clubs like the Stork or El Morocco, where most people aren't permitted in unless known, or at busy places like the Copacabana, are reputed to make more than the owners.
Some estimate that $5,000 a week for these factotums is conservative. They may have to kick some back. They all pay for their jobs instead of being paid for them.
(INSIDE STUFF about theatre tickets:
Though most houses invariably number their seats as A1, B2, and so on, there are exceptions.
Ticket C1, for example, is not always first seat on the aisle, third row.)
See page 299 for a list of theatres where the numbering system varies from the norm.
The reveler who plans to visit a café or supper club will find that a knowledge of the name of the headwaiter, maître d'hôtel or proprietor of the place quite often helps obtain a better table or service.
See page 301 for a directory of such functionaries at New York's leading spots.
New York has more taxis per capita than any other city anywhere, but even in normal times, when the full quota of 20,000 is on the streets, it's difficult to get them at certain times.
Few New Yorkers use their own cars to come to the shopping or theatre centers of town, because of the traffic and parking problems. Cab fares are so cheap and distances so short in Manhattan that few people are too poor to use cabs.
Most difficult times of day to get taxis are between 5 and 6, at the close of business hours; 8 o'clock at the theatre rush; 11 P.M., when the plays let out; and 4 A.M., when the night clubs close.
At night you can tell if a taxi is vacant. The light over the driver's compartment is then shining. In the daytime, watch the flag on his meter. If it's up, he's free.
(INSIDE STUFF: If you have trouble flagging a cab at 8 P.M., it's because the driver doesn't want to take calls into the theatre district, where the fare comes to but a few cents. He gets stuck without a return load.)
So, if you're not going to a Times Square show, shout that fact to a cabbie. Maybe he'll stop if he hears you.
Better still, stand on a one-way street bound _away_ from Broadway, and indicate with your thumb that you're bound opposite from the White Way.
* * * * *
Contrary to general belief, New York is not an overly "dressy" town.
In many midwest metropolises people "dress" more at night than they do here, but certainly without as much success.
Even in the very best places, patronized by the bluest of the bloods, you will always see more men and women informal than in soup and fish.
New Yorkers generally dress only when the occasion demands it, such as the opera, an important theatrical opening, or a formal affair.
(INSIDE STUFF: The "tuxedo" or dinner jacket is semi-formal, not formal. When good dressers wear it, they wear turndown, never wing, collars.)
But if New Yorkers do not dress formally every time they go out, they surely dress with taste.
New York women seldom wear hats.
They NEVER wear white or pastels in the summer, nor white shoes or stockings.
Black is proper all year, even during the dog days.
Best-dressed men always wear hats, never wear sport clothes in the city.
* * * * *
MIDNIGHT MANNERS:
Wise dolls never wear two different kinds of flowers with one ensemble. If the chump sends you orchids, chuck the fake roses out of your hair.
It may be warm, but babe, if your construction calls for a girdle, wear it, at least while dancing.
During the rainy spring season and the slushy winter, do not dance with your galoshes on. Not that we care how funny you look, but it ruins the polish on the floor.
Women who wear evening gowns with cut-out backs should hide their straps and bras. (Women who need bras should not wear evening gowns with cut-out backs.)
The best dressed dolls never wear corsages in our town, but clucks insist on sending them. If you must, white orchids go with anything, but they cost $15 a throw. You may ask the lady what she is wearing and be guided accordingly. All orchids are in good taste; camellias and gardenias are cheaper but according to Hoyle, and violets are okay for afternoons. But well-dressed dolls never wear roses, lilies of the valley or such garden truck.
Dames with turret tummies should not wear evening gowns with bare midriffs.
This is one we thought we'd never have to mention: Dames who cover evening gowns with street coats look ludicrous.
(INSIDE STUFF; When you spot a New York gal in the subway so attired, ten to one she's a taxi-dancer en route to work at the hall, dressed for the evening's labor. Odds are 100 to 1 if she's also carrying a make-up case.)
Gents never wear brown shoes or tweeds after 6 P.M.
It is crude for femmes to wear wrist watches with evening gowns. (If you've got to know the time, look into your boy friend's eyes.)
Dolls who wear tight dresses shouldn't eat until they bust. If you have to open the zipper at the side of your dress or pop out at the seam, cut down on the intake, honey. You can load up again when you get back into the house dress, on the farm.
No smart filly rolls her stockings. (Garter belts are a must--or don't wear hose.) For, when she's dancing and her skirt swishes around her knees, the bulge breaks the symmetry of the limb. Nylon all the way up is sexier and smarter.
31. INSIDE STUFF
FLIRTING: Don't. If you do on the street, you're apt to be arrested, and in the subway, killed.
MARRIAGE: Licenses are issued and ceremonies performed at City Hall, and in the Borough Halls of the outlying boroughs. A Wassermann test is necessary for bride and bridegroom and 72 hours must elapse between issuance of license and the fatal words. The nearest state where marriages are performed without delay is South Carolina.
DIVORCE: There is only one ground for divorce in New York State: Adultery, proven by two eye-witnesses. A few uncontested divorces are finagled by collusion between husband and wife, the former allowing himself to be raided while with a paid correspondent. There are no residence requirements for divorce. Final papers are issued after 90 days. The guilty party in an adultery action (obtained anywhere) cannot remarry in the state without permission of a Supreme Court Justice. Most New Yorkers remarry in New Jersey. New York courts have ruled these marriages valid.
CLIP JOINTS: To be avoided, unless you are looking for grief. These deadfalls, usually in old brownstone houses on side streets, in Greenwich Village or Harlem, operate without licenses. The sucker is steered by a runner or cab driver who promises "women." Bills are brutally padded, bank checks raised, drinks loaded with knockout drops. If you protest, you'll have your hair parted with a bottle.
CURFEW CATCH: We're going to give you a hot tip. Don't say we told you, but if you have an unfinished drink (or even bottle) on your table at 4 A.M., neither the club nor the cops can make you scram until you've finished it. The law here does not require liquor be removed on the stroke of curfew--merely that the bar close, the music and entertainment cease. See you at 4:01.
Though the legal closing is 4 A.M. daily, bars are required to shutter at 3 o'clock Saturday nights only (of all times). But clubs may sell food and entertainment until 4. What we noted about it being kosher to keep liquor on your table after the curfew, week nights, also goes for Sunday morn. Anything served before 3 may be consumed during the next hour, even after, if the weary waiters don't thumb you on your way.
AFTER-HOUR SPOTS AND BOTTLE CLUBS: These used to be common, but few New Yorkers now seem willing or able to imbibe after the deadline. There remain practically no too-late spots. The few that do, pose as private clubs, selling no liquor, but serving "members" out of their own lockers. (If they know you well, your locker, by coincidence, is always stocked with just your brand.) Celebs go to the Club Carr, on Fifth Avenue, at E. 69th St. Once raided, not for liquor, but for entertainment sans license, the club beat the rap. Another is the Gold Key, W. 56th near Sixth Avenue.
CABARET INFO: Hostesses are not permitted in clubs. Female entertainers are forbidden to sit out with customers. Waitresses may not be employed after midnight, except in hotels.
Most night clubs present the first show at 8 or 8:30, their second at 12 or 12:30 and their last at 2 or 2:30.
The Latin Quarter presents two shows nightly, except on Saturday, three.
Few clubs except the Stork and El Morocco have a cover charge. But most good hotel grill rooms do.
All other clubs have minimum charges, from $2 to $5 on weekdays, up to $6 a person at some, Saturdays and $7.50 opening nights.
Though it's not a law, the cops have advised saloon-keepers they don't like 'em to cater to unescorted ladies after 10 P.M. even if they come in groups, so you femmes sans boy friends had better get yourselves one if you want to see our night life.
TIPS: If you want to get into many night clubs, or get good tables in any, you have to stake the headwaiter, the tip ranging from $2 in the more modest places up to $10 and $20 at the Stork and El Morocco.
Waiters, too, expect more here than in other cities. A 10 per cent tip will earn you an icy stare most anywhere. The average night club habitué usually adds on about 25 per cent, but more often figures the tip on the length of time he occupied the table and the amount of service he received. In other words, if his check was only $2, but he sat at the table so long the waiter lost two or three other parties, he'd reward him accordingly.
WAITERS' RACKETS: Padded checks and switched checks are common. In the first instance, the waiter makes a "mistake" in the addition, in his favor, then, after you pay, he erases the wrong total and turns in the correct amount. On the switch racket, he presents you with a larger check written for another table. Most people don't study the items. But if you do, he apologizes and says he gave you the wrong check. If you pay, he turns in your smaller right check, pockets the difference, then uses the large check over again.
CHECK YOUR HAT: Your "voluntary" contribution to the hat-room gal isn't as voluntary as you imagine. The concessionaire's license from the city permits him to exact a flat charge for each item checked, if he desires.
Hat-check and cigarette girls turn in all their tips (except those they manage secretly to pocket). They are paid $30 or $35 a week and a percentage of tips over $1. Camera girls are permitted to keep their tips, turning the $1.50 per picture over to the concessionaire, who splits with the cabaret.
The larger concessionaires have become the bankers of the night club business. Without them, half the town's clubs would not have been able to open in the first place. Some of the larger clubs reap up to $50,000 a year for the privilege of checking your kellys. This money is paid in advance to new clubs, often covering construction costs. The concessionaire takes a mortgage on the enterprise to protect his investment. When a club goes broke, the concessionaire finds himself in possession of it. To keep his girls working, he turns it over to another operator, advances more money, takes more mortgage.
I CAN GET IT FOR YOU WHOLESALE: You'd be surprised how many guys make a living buying things for their friends "strictly at cost." This is the town where every inhabitant thinks he's a wise gee and squarely on the inside.
So he figures that retail stores are strictly for chumps, strangers, and the other fellow.
At the same time, practically everyone in New York either has a relative or knows someone with a relative who works in a wholesale house.
When his friend, or even his relative, takes him to the showroom, he's convinced he's being let in on the ground floor. Prices in wholesale establishments are never marked on the ticket.
So the wholesaler always jacks on a tidy sum, enough to take care of the steerer and give himself a neat profit (which he doesn't enter on the books and so doesn't pay tax on).
And the wise chump goes out, happy and feeling privileged, whereas he probably paid more than if he had shopped over the counter at a reputable store.
HOW TO BEAT THE HORSES: Some smart Gotham gazelles have worked out a sure-fire way to get a stake.
Whereas most guys won't be touted by men, they don't look at it that way when a cute filly (homo sapiens, not equine) asks them to put a bet on a certain horse for her.
Now, if she knows enough chumps and can get bets down on the three leading horses in any one race, it's practically positive she's going to collect on one.
And no gent is going to ask the cutie to pay up for losers. (We don't recommend this unless the gams look nice in nylon.)
THE "PRODUCERS": All these guys produce is a bank roll for themselves. They're usually good-looking middle-aged fellows who dance and drink well, sling clever small talk and know everyone.
Their stock is their ability to flatter wealthy old dames and procure phone numbers of pert young patooties for wealthy old codgers.
When working on an overaged, rich hag who may be a widow or married to a guy who is happy to find a companion for his ugly wife so he can go stepping too, the "producer" gives out with the woo and ends up with a "backer" for the show he intends to produce, but never gets around to. The initial overhead, meaning himself, always eats up the bank roll.
On the other hand, if his backer is a rutty old male, the approach is to get him a girl, then sell the idea that she should be starred.
These "producers" live well, often luxuriously, dance and dine at the best and make Palm Beach every winter.
But we don't call them gigolos or pimps, because the former work for five dollars an hour and the latter live off five-buck bims. This is big business.
THE INTRODUCERS: Hundreds of smart New York articles live and thrive because they manage to know the right people and can introduce you to whomever you want to know--banker, politico, social leader--on 15 minutes' notice.
They travel in the best circles, are smooth, suave and likeable. For the proper fee, they'll provide connections with senators, governors or financiers.
After that, it's up to you.
SHARKS: Don't carry large sums of money with you and don't flash it; don't carry your billfold in your hip pocket; don't give money to touts who promise a "sure thing"; don't play cards or shoot craps with strangers.
RETIRING ROOM: We were in Sherm Billingsley's Stork with a curious young lady from Boston, who wanted to know why our washroom was on the main floor, whereas she had to climb a flight. That's simple. Young men don't patronize expensive clubs, so who could expect vets like us or Charlie Chaplin or George Jessel or George Jean Nathan to climb stairs? Whereas the filly is young, healthy and husky.
MUZHIKS--How to Spot One: He has a round haircut, a short coat, with or without belt in back, sleeves pressed into a razor-blade crease, carries shiny fountain pens and pencils in the kerchief pocket of his jacket, wears a lodge pin and a vest (which usually doesn't meet his trousers).
32. MIDNIGHT MANNERS
Generously built dames should not sit on backless bar stools. Did you ever stand behind one? Did you ever see an Alp?
* * * * *
When night clubbing, keep your paw off your lady friend's leg. There's a time and place for everything.
* * * * *
Eating habits and appetites are personal. We snipers should keep our snoots out. But if you are a greenie in Gotham, trying to impress the headwaiter or Follies dollies with sophistication, DO NOT drink your coffee with your meal. Wait until AFTER dessert. DO NOT eat your salad as an appetizer (à la Hollywood) or as a side-dish (à la Chicago). Only between roast and dessert. This is New York.
* * * * *
Any man who wears white or two-toned shoes for dancing at any place above a coffee-pot should be sentenced to walk back in them to his farm.
* * * * *
Gents who like to dance cheek-to-cheek, say the dolls, should be closely shaven. But one who dances cheek-to-cheek ain't no gent!
* * * * *
Do not table-hop in clubs. Never go to strange tables and ask women you do not know to dance. You may get a smack on the kisser. But, if you don't, you may be bounced out. It is against the law for night clubs to permit people to mix from table to table. Besides, it's corny, which is worse than illegal.
* * * * *
Gals should not straighten the seams of their stockings in the middle of the dance-floor. There are easier ways to attract attention to the gams.
* * * * *
When entering a night club, don't head for the powder-room before the captain has shown you to your table, otherwise your escort has to stand in the crowded lobby waiting for you and looking foolish (while you take the usual 45 minutes!).
* * * * *
When the lady says she has to go, it is customary to give her four bits for the pro in the powder-room. Which reminds us of the tale about the gal whose nose got shiny eight or ten times, night after night, at great cost to her John. After five years, she walked out on him and bought an apartment house in the Bronx.
_Warning_: Most night clubs have phone booths in the ladies' room. That's where they call the guy they meet after they brush you off.
* * * * *
Weaklings who tend to become absent-minded after the third drink are advised to place their hat check in the upper left breast pocket. One blotto bird in a narrow night club foyer, yelling for his coat and insisting he never got a check, can hold up 300. When the checker assists the customer she is instructed to begin looking for the ducat in that pocket, working down and back therefrom.
* * * * *
The reverse table-hopper is as bad a pest as the original. Don't demand the acquaintances at the next table join your party. Maybe they want to be alone!
* * * * *
Don't stare!
* * * * *
Don't try to get too hot with a girl in public, or you'll wind up with the cold shoulder. If you want to hold hands, do it under the table. That's what long tablecloths are for. Don't try to hog the dance-floor, unless you want to be a pig shot. While an entertainer is working, don't turn around and tell your friends what a great pal of yours he or she is--loud enough to drown him or her out.
* * * * *
Dolls who understandably want to show off their fur coats in cabarets should think of a better method than to drape them over the back of the chair and onto the floor, where they become traffic hazards for passing waiters and guests. Dames who do this deserve skunk, not mink.
* * * * *
Dames too ample in certain regions should not wear tight skirts for dancing. (Watch the next one and see what we mean.)
* * * * *
When a lady stops to chat at a table where men are present, she should ask the men to keep their chairs or she should sit down, so the guys won't be kept standing while she gabbles. If she does neither, she's no lady, and no man need then bother.
* * * * *
When a lunkhead and his twist spat in a night club, it's etiquette for him to dash after her and slip her cab fare.
* * * * *
Dolls who must cross their pins at ringside tables should be sure they have nice ones.
* * * * *
When the emcee announces that the chorines will go through the room to collect for the Red Cross, don't suddenly decide to phone.
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If you have to go--or if you're coming back--while an entertainer is working, don't cross the dance-floor in front of the artist. Wait until the number is over; or, if you can, circumnavigate--flank the performer.
* * * * *
While dancing, don't wave to a friend at a table. You may put someone's eye out.... If your shoelace opens, don't stop on the dance-floor to tie it--move off.
* * * * *
If you must take somebody's phone number, write it at your table, not while on the floor. (Don't take it at all if her brute is bigger than you.)
* * * * *
Do not show off on dance-floors. Even if you are as hep as Fred Astaire, the other customers do not want to see you. Besides, the bouncer is not sympathetic to amateur talent.
* * * * *
The almost morbid desire of young women to look in mirrors brings on one of the most horrendous of all night club gaucheries ... when the sweet young things duck from their escorts every half-hour and remain away for time without limit while the escorts squirm alone. The condition is doubly disastrous when two or more young women are in the party, because whenever one goes, all go, and they stay forever while they discuss the men, who know it.
* * * * *
If the poetry in your soul forces you to beat time to singing or music, use your fingers, not a tablespoon.
* * * * *
It's atrocious taste for two females to dance together. Good spots won't permit it, though some of the claptrap caravansaries catering to tourists or sewing-circle society parties stand for it until 10.
* * * * *
If your escort asks you to dance, don't turn him down. If you're tired, don't make dates. But if he doesn't want to dance, DON'T BE A PEST AND BEG.
* * * * *
When you see a friend with a squab in a cabaret, don't suggest that you and your pigeon move to his table and make it a foursome. He may have IMPORTANT business to discuss.
* * * * *
If somebody else's dish (and we mean dish, not doll) looks particularly attractive, don't sample it unless you're first asked to. If you'd like to try it, order from the waiter!
* * * * *
Do not eat garlic or onions unless your escort also does. (Or unless you want to keep the wolf from your door.)
* * * * *
We've already inveighed against the bore who table-hops and asks to dance with your dame. Now the might of our wrath is directed toward the gal who makes things worse for her man by encouraging the intruder. When a stranger comes to your table, say "No," immediately. Don't prolong the agony by turning to your escort and asking if you should dance with the drunk or dope.
33. CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO NEW YORK
A_MUSEMENT PARKS_: Back-breaking sky-rides, pink lemonade, cotton candy and hot dogs are available at Coney Island's famed Steeplechase (BMT subway); Palisades Park in Fort Lee, N.J. Bring your own gal or pick one up.
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ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE TELLERS: Predicting futures is against the law, but horoscope readings are not. (Consult Classified phone directory for "Astrologers.") Many night clubs employ "readers" who "analyze your palm, handwriting or tea leaves." Service is gratis, but you're expected to shell at least a buck.
_Inside Stuff_: Society babes have their palms read at the Golden Earring--54th and Madison.
_Midnight Manners_: When your gal is having her fortune told by the night club palmist, don't listen in. The seer will say a tall, dark man is coming into her life. And you're probably short, fat and gray.
_Wisdom of a White Way Wolf_: Slip the palmist a fin before she starts. A short, fat and gray man will plunge into the gal's life.
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BABY SITTERS: Phone SU 7-6779. If she's over 15 call us.
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BALLET: Personally, it's way above us. We don't like muscular calves. But the longhairs say we have some of the best ballet in the world. Consult daily papers.
* * * * *
BARBER SHOPS, LATE: If you get an unexpected night call, and you haven't a razor blade, you're out of luck. There aren't any all-night barber shops any more, since two gorillas were killed in one. Most of them close at 8; in Grand Central and Penn Terminals, at 9. The following shops are open until midnight: Victoria, West 51st Street; Taft Hotel; Spinrad's, 50th and Broadway; Dawn Patrol, Seventh Avenue and 53rd Street; Claridge Hotel. (All cabaret men's room attendants will supply safety razors and blades.) Barber shops are closed Sundays, except in private clubs.
* * * * *
BOATING: Row boats are available in all the city parks in summer, at two bits an hour (peanuts for yourself and the ducks, extra). Swell way to woo a doll; she can't walk home.
* * * * *
BRIDGE GAMES FOUND: Are you looking for congenial opponents? Call Mildred Lovejoy, CO 59290. Or try the bridge clubs in many hotels. Though patrons are charged for playing, the law says they aren't gambling houses. Why? We wouldn't know. For lessons, Banfield, PL 5-0980, or Cummings, CO 5-9515.
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BURLESQUE: Who brought that up?
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BUS RIDES: Hurry, hurry, hurry, if you still want New York's cheapest thrill, riding with your gal on top of a Fifth Avenue bus. The company is gradually retiring all the double deckers. No open-top buses are left, anyway.
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CHAPERON SERVICE (For girls or unaccompanied wives): If pretty, call us.
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CLEANERS, ONE DAY: Yep, we still have 'em here. Your hotel valet will take care of it; otherwise Misch, on West 47th Street.
_Midnight Manners_: Don't smear your lipstick on a man's lapel while dancing. Cleaning rouge and powder stains is expensive. And his wife might get fussy.
* * * * *
CLOTHES REWOVEN: If the doll accidentally burns your suit instead of you, while protecting herself with her cigarette from your mad advances, consult the Classified phone directory.
_Wisdom of a White Way Wolf_: You should wait until she finishes the cigarette.
* * * * *
COMFORT STATIONS AND REST ROOMS: Saloonkeepers aren't hospitable to men's room customers and get downright sore at ladies' room patrons. But if you gotta, all subway stations have free comfort stations, usually filthy. Often degenerates and thugs lurk there. Many hotels maintain pay (5 or 10 cents) stations, others have the tip-as-you-go system. Minimum, 25 cents, if you use a towel. Rest rooms in railroad stations are open all night. (Fee, 5 and 10 cents. Also baths, 25 cents and up.) Free comfort stations, operated by the city at 47th Street and Broadway, 60th and Central Park West, 42nd Street behind the library, and in all parks.
* * * * *
CONCERTS: You'd be surprised how many young chippies patronize Carnegie Hall since Stokowski took Gloria Vanderbilt away from Pat di Cicco. Our chief concert and recital halls are Carnegie Hall, Town Hall, Steinway Hall, and Times Hall, with the City Center Theatre often going in for same.
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CONFIDENTIAL DETECTIVES: Bolan (ex-Commissioner of Police) Agency, Empire State Building, LA 4-5100.
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DANCING: Smart guys find too much dancing interferes with romancing. It saps the gal's energy and their own; sobers her up if she's had a few; makes her miss the drinks she'd consume if she were sitting at the table. But, if you'd rather dance than progress, New York's the place for it. Almost all its 1,500 cabarets present dance music; there are dozens of dance halls where you can go; and the Y's, churches and other social organizations throw hops on the slightest provocation. But, unlike smaller towns, there's neither cocktail nor lunch dancing here. (Revolting thought--dancing at lunch time.)
But dinner and supper dancing: How can you miss it?
If you haven't a partner, any dance hall will supply you one at a small fee per dance. Or you can easily pick one up, as unescorted ladies are permitted in all the halls, usually at a reduced fee to encourage attendance.
If you can't dance, you will find hundreds of studios in the Classified directory, guaranteeing to teach you in from five to ten lessons.
You will find some of these studios (especially a number in old brownstone houses on the West Side) sell more than dancing instructions. It's up to you to feel your way.
If you're a swing addict, consult the newspaper ads for the places where that kind of band is playing, usually at a hotel grill.
Club bands play mostly rumbas and sambas, with a few fox trots and hardly any waltzes except at the dreamy hour, after 3 A.M.
New Yorkers are not jitterbugs. Most clubs hustle jive addicts off the floor.
TERP TIPS: You dames with wide circumferences should not rumba. If you must, please don't quake below the equator.
Don't shift your right hand up and down her spine while dancing, like a chiropractor or indecisive sax player.... Don't be a floor hog.... Don't grab the girl around the waist, hiking her dress up by inches. (Why not? That's why we sit at ringsides.)
Don't ask the band leader to play a conga unless you want to be spotted as a square-head.
When the band plays a rumba or samba, if you can't do it, remain at your table instead of trying to dance a fox trot to the complicated rhythm. New York is the only city where a large part of the dance program consists of rumbas and sambas. (In the East Side clubs they form the major part.)
Never chew gum when dancing--but if you must, do it in time to the music!
Most clubs feature two bands with continuous music, whereas small-town cabarets operate with one, which usually plays a set of three tunes, then 10-minute intermissions. So it is suggested that when you ask a gal for a dance in a New York club, you release her from your clinging embrace after a maximum of 15 minutes. Though the music goes on forever, the endurance doesn't.
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DRUGSTORES, ALL NIGHT: Lexington and 49th; 66th and Columbus; Seventh and 52nd Street; Seventh and 51st; Broadway and 50th; 47th and Broadway; Seventh and 50th; Broadway and 44th.
* * * * *
EMERGENCY INFO: Birth Control Ass'n, 220 East 12th Street, AL 4-4437; Birth Control Bureau for Marriage Consultation, 55 East 86th Street, AT 9-4250; Birth Control Center, IWO, 80 Fifth Avenue, AL 4-2321; Margaret Sanger Research Bureau, WA 9-6200; Planned Parenthood Federation, WI 2-8600.
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ERRANDS: To pick up railroad tickets, send flowers, call for your laundry or get your lunch, phone Rapid, EL 5-6100; Mercury, LE 2-0543; Airline, VA 6-5145; Western Union, WO 2-7111.
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ESCHATOLOGIST: Oh, yes. We have one of those, too. Whatever it is. Mrs. M.E. Nase, Lorraine 2-8722.
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ESCORTS: At Your Service, MU 9-4378--Hostesses, too.
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FRIENDS--TO MEET NEW ONES: Personally we're misanthropes, but if you're lonely and haven't the guts to brave strangers, phone ABC, WI 7-2430; Social, TR 3-2013, or Clara Lane, LU 2-2617.
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GIRDLES--FIRST AID: If your favorite girdle busts while you're away from home, call Jean Kaufman, 54 West 56th Street. But if you're the kind who needs a girdle, why didn't you stay home?
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GAMBLING: All forms, except on-track parimutuel, are illegal, but you will have little trouble finding bookmakers and policy-slip sellers. There are no casinos or gambling houses as such in the city limits. As soon as one gets started, the cops crack down. There are no exceptions. Yet you can find card games going in some political clubs and so-called social and bridge clubs. Traveling crap games are common around Broadway and in Harlem, and there are steerers to take you to them.
Slot machines are vigorously banned, but of late the authorities have been winking at a new type of electrical gambling machine, similar to pinball, which pays off on poker hands. These are being set up in some of the best midtown locations and in other parts of town, and though they pay off in "merchandise," which is as illegal as cash, they seem to have plenty of protection way up. Some buy back the "merchandise" for currency. Frank Costello makes them.
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HORSE RACING: You can lose your money pleasantly at Belmont, Aqueduct, Empire and Jamaica, all within the city limits or environs. Betting is by parimutuel, with bookmaking and off-track betting forbidden. But how are you going to put a fly cop in every cigar store, saloon, newstand, elevator, lobby and bellboy's cap?
* * * * *
LOTTERIES AND NUMBERS: It's agin the law, as your soda jerk or cigar clerk tells you, as he sells you.
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MAID SERVICE: in your apartment, by day, week or month. Also housemen, wall and window washers, baby sitters. Bennett, SP 7-7820; Maid-to-Order, TR 3-3185; Taylor-Maid, TE 8-7171.
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MANICURISTS: All barber shops and hotels. Some want their nails filed, others just like to sit and talk to the cute ones. But why is it any different here than in your own home town, where lonesome bucks always go first for the finger mechanics?
* * * * *
MASSEURS: Some people go to masseurs to be massaged and some masseurs massage, but some use the title to cover an older going-over. Sorry, you'll have to find them yourself. We don't ache enough for a massage.
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MIDWIFES: If you're in that condition, don't come to New York. If you do come, get a doctor. But if you're old-fashioned and demand a midwife, you'll find some in the Classified phone directory.
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PALMISTS: They're against the law, but Diana, LO 5-4530 is a "hand analyst."
* * * * *
PARTIES PLANNED: We like our parties impromptu, you know, like when the blonde drops in unexpectedly and says: "Let's get stinko." But if you like to entertain and want to do it big, call Service Delicatessen, BU 8-7384; Daniel, PL 9-5941; for children's parties, Arnold. Amusements and entertainment provided, Harrington, CI 6-5979.
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RENT, FOR: You can rent practically anything in New York, including a wife, but not an apartment. If you are interested in hiring any of the following, consult the Classified phone directory: Airplanes, bikes, cameras, cars, diamonds, evening clothes, furs, private railroad cars, radios, typewriters and yachts. (No open listing for wives.)
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SHOOTING GALLERIES: What's the matter, bud, didn't you have enough of it in the Army? If not, try Broadway and 48th Street, Broadway and 51st Street, or Sixth Avenue between 42nd and 47th; 42nd Street between Broadway and Eighth Avenue, or any amusement park.
* * * * *
SHOPPING SERVICES: Will buy anything for you from a layette to a tombstone, except a broad or bride. At Your Service, MU 9-4370; Lili Personal Service, MU 2-5266; Finders, MU 2-8196.
* * * * *
SHOW GALS: Consult newspaper for current musical attractions. Or visit these night clubs: Latin Quarter, Copacabana, Leon & Eddie's, Hotel New Yorker (on ice skates). Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall and Gae Foster girls at the Roxy.
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SIGHT-SEEING: The rubberneck buses are back. You'll find steerers at every Times Square corner.
* * * * *
SKY VIEWS: Surest way to wow a wench is to take her to the 102nd floor observatory of Empire State Building on a clear, starlit night. The thrilling view of the city below, twinkling lights that look like diamonds on a giant diadem, will bring something into her eyes. If you need help, there's an excellent cocktail bar in the observatory, highest on earth. Other observatories, RCA, Chrysler and Woolworth Buildings.
* * * * *
SWIMMING: Why pay a premium for a front row ticket at a musical when you can see more at any beach? New York's popular public beaches are not recommended, as the waters are unsanitary, crowded and dirty. Those with dough belong to clubs in Long Island or Jersey, where water is clean and girls ditto. Smart ones, without much money, patronize pools.
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TELEGRAPH OFFICE--ALL NIGHT: If you have to wire home for money after an evening: Western Union, at 40th and Broadway, Penn Station and Grand Central, always open. Or phone WO 2-7111.
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WAKE UP SERVICE: If you can't get up after that big night with the blonde, phone MU 7-6500. But who's going to wake you first?
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WALL STREET AND STOCK MARKET: Talking of gambling, a few pages back, how about it? But even if you're not a gambler, an ogle at the greatest money mart is a daytime kick. But the Stock and Curb Exchanges are closed to visitors. You can look at Trinity Church, though.
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WET NURSES: Who thought of that one? Phone New York Academy of Medicine, AT 9-4700, and ask for "Information."
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WORRIER, PROFESSIONAL: You may not have had a care in the world when you picked up this volume. But now you rate a nervous breakdown. Under the heading "Psychologists" in the Classified directory, you will find guys willing to do your worrying--for a fee, of course. They advise on sex and the lack of it. If you get any good info, please advise the authors. (For inclusion in the next edition, of course.)