Part 1

Transcriber’s Note: Obvious printer and punctuation errors have been corrected, but dialect, unconventional and inconsistent spellings (haint/hain’t, their/thier, etc) are left untouched.

MY OPINIONS AND BETSEY BOBBET’S.

DESIGNED AS A BEACON LIGHT, TO GUIDE WOMEN TO LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, BUT WHICH MAY BE READ BY MEMBERS OF THE STERNER SECT, WITHOUT INJURY TO THEMSELVES OR THE BOOK.

BY JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE.

“_Who will read the Book, Samantha, when it is rote?_”

PUBLISHED BY SUBSCRIPTION ONLY, HARTFORD, CONN.: AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY. 1884.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by the AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, In the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.

This Book is Dedicated

To my own Lawful Pardner,

JOSIAH.

Whom (although I have been his Consort for a little upwards of 14 years) I still Love with a

CAST-IRON DEVOTEDNESS.

PREFACE.

Which is to be read, if it haint askin’ too much of the kind hearted reader.

In the first days of our married life, I strained nearly every nerve to help my companion Josiah along and take care of his children by his former consort, the subject of black African slavery also wearin’ on me, and a mortgage of 200 and 50 dollars on the farm. But as we prospered and the mortgage was cleared, and the children were off to school, the black African also bein’ liberated about the same time of the mortgage, then my mind bein’ free from these cares--the great subject of Wimmen’s Rites kept a goarin’ me, and a voice kept a sayin’ inside of me,

“Josiah Allen’s wife, write a book givin’ your views on the great subject of Wimmen’s Rites.” But I hung back in spirit from the idea and says I, to myself, “I never went to school much and don’t know nothin’ about grammer, and I never could spell worth a cent.”

But still that deep voice kept a ’swaiden me--“Josiah Allen’s wife, write a book.”

Says I, “I can’t write a book, I don’t know no underground dungeons, I haint acquainted with no haunted houses, I never see a hero suspended over a abyss by his gallusses, I never beheld a heroine swoon away, I never see a Injun tommy hawked, nor a ghost; I never had any of these advantages; I can’t write a book.”

But still it kept a sayin’ inside of my mind, “Josiah Allen’s wife write a book about your life, as it passes in front of you and Josiah, daily, and your views on Wimmen’s Rites. The great publick wheel is a rollin’ on slowly, drawin’ the Femail Race into liberty; Josiah Allen’s wife, put your shoulder blades to the wheel.”

And so that almost hauntin’ voice inside of me kept a ’swaidin me, and finally I spoke out in a loud clear voice and answered it--

“I _will_ put my shoulder blades to the wheel.”

I well remember the time I said it, for it skairt Josiah almost to death. It was night and we was both settin’ by the fire relapsted into silence and he--not knowin’ the conversation goin’ on inside of my mind, thought I was crazy, and jumped up as if he was shot, and says he, in tremblin’ tones,

“What is the matter Samantha?”

Says I, “Josiah I am goin’ to write a book.”

This skairt him worse than ever--I could see, by his ghastly countenance--and he started off on the run for the camfire bottle.

Says I, in firm but gentle axcents, “camfire can’t stop me Josiah, the book will be wrote.”

He see by my pale but calm countenance, that I was not delirious any, and (by experience) he knows that when my mind is made up, I have got a firm and almost cast iron resolution. He said no more, but he sot down and sithed hevily; finally he spoke out in a despairin’ tone, he is pretty close (but honest),

“Who will read the book Samantha? Remember if you write it you have got to stand the brunt of it yourself--I haint no money to hire folks with to read it.” And again he sithed two or three times. And he hadn’t much more than got through sithein’ when he asked me again in a tone of almost agony--

“Who will read the book Samantha after you write it?”

The same question was fillin’ me with agonizin’ apprehension, but I concealed it and answered with almost marble calm,

“I don’t know Josiah, but I am determined to put my shoulder blades to the wheel and write it.”

Josiah didn’t say no more then, but it wore on him--for that night in the ded of night he spoke out in his sleep in a kind of a wild way,

“Who will read the book?”

I hunched him with my elbo’ to wake him up, and he muttered--“I won’t pay out one cent of my money to hire any body to read it.”

I pitied him, for I was afraid it would end in the Night Mair, and I waked him up, and promised him then and there, that I never would ask him to pay out one cent to hire any body to read it. He has perfect confidence in me and he brightened up and haint never said a word sense against the idea, and that is the way this book come to be wrote.

WHAT IS IN THE BOOK.

MARRIED TO JOSIAH ALLEN.

Livin’ up to one Idee--Love at First Sight--A Marriage of Love--Why did I Love Josiah?--A Becon that has never gone out--Men can’t stand Flattery--My Present feelin’s towards Josiah--Objections to Widowers--Comparin’ Wives--Josiah not encouraged in it--Rule for Domestic Happiness 17-20

JOSIAH AND THE CHILDREN.

A hard row for Step-Mothers--Thomas Jefferson and Tirzah Ann--Thomas J. on Foreordination--Tirzah Ann’s sentiments--A Hefty Angel--Makin’ excuses at table--How to make Bad Cake taste good--Our Farm on the Canal--Plenty of Garden Sass--4 Tons to the acre 21-25

AN UNMARRIED FEMALE.

Betsey Bobbet introduced--While there is Life there is Hope of getting married--Betsey’s personal appearance--Betsey’s Opinions and Views of a Woman’s Speah--Betsey writes Poetry--A Specimen of it--Owed to Josiah--Josiah makes a Confession and gets Rebuked--Betsey Bobbet visits me unexpectedly--Gushin’s of a Tendeh Soul--The Editah with Twins--Weddin’ Affinities 26-37

HAVIN’ MY PICTURE TOOK.

Down to Jonesville--In Mr. Gansey’s Aunty Room--Preparin’ for a Picture--The Editer of the Augur--Daughters of Bachus and Venus--Haunts of the Graces--“Logical Reveries”--A Poem--My Picture Took 38-45

OUR SURPRISE PARTIES.

My opinions of Surprises--I am persuaded to go--A Surprise Party Surprised--Not wanted just then--An Upset in the snow--A Peaceful Evening at home--Josiah and I enjoying ourselves Doctorin’--Our Happiness interrupted--Surprised by a Party of 50--Fearful excitement of Josiah--The Enemy retire--The Editer surprised--Betsey writes a Poem upon it 46-57

A DAY OF TROUBLES.

Sugerin’ Time--Woman’s work--Man’s work--The Editer brings his Twins--There first doin’s--The trouble begins--Betsey Bobbet arrives--I think of John Rogers and have Patience--Betsey and the twins--A Soothin’ Poultice--An Argument with Betsey--I Preach and Practice--Betsey asks Advice and gets It--Betsey reads a Poem--She gets more of my Opinions--Return of the Editer--Concludes to stay to Dinner--Sees Betsey and changes his mind--Grand Tableaux by the whole company 58-68

THE MINISTER’S BEDQUILT.

Thomas J. believes in water for the Baptists--Reasons for goin’ to Quiltin’s--The Baptist Quiltin’ Party--We dispose of all our neighbors not present--Miss Dobbin, a peacemaker--The Minister’s wife discussed--Betsey Bobbet arrives--She labors under great excitement and overwhelms the party with her mysterious words--Astounding disclosures--Thomas J.’s story to Betsey--The story discussed--Handsome Ministers--Wimmen flingin’ stuns--The Minister arrives--The mystery solved 69-84

A ALLEGORY ON WIMMEN’S RIGHTS.

A Wimmen’s Rights Meetin’--A Wimmen’s Rights man--Idiots, Lunatics and Wimmen--The Woman sheep-stealer--Wimmen have a right to go to Prison and be Hung--Wimmen in Court--The right to go to the Hop and Cistern Poles--An anti Wimmen’s Rights man--Hired Husbands--Marriage and Slavery--True Marriages--Happy Homes and Children--An Angel calling for Fire Wood 85-98

AN AXIDENT.

Bothered by Hens--A model Pup Dog--A Fall--Very sick a-bed--“That’s what’s the matter”--What makes Angels--Too much of a thing--Josiah being cheerful--I use Strategim--Betsey visits me and brings her Bed-Quilt--Come to spend the day--All the Family comin’--Keepin’ me quiet and Chirkin’ me up--She flies in terror from my wrath--Blasted Hopes 99-111

THE JONESVILLE SINGIN’ QUIRE.

Worryin’ about Girls and not about Boys--Wimmen’s Charity for Wimmen--The Prodigal Daughter’s return--What is good for a Boy is good for a Girl--A Spy in the Family--Tirzah Ann’s future Marriage--Thomas J. prefers a back seat--He describes the Quire--We go up to the Rehersal--A United Quire--The Entire Orkusstree--A Artistic Duett--Josiah breaks out in Song--Betsey Remonstrates in Verse 112-126

MISS SHAKESPEARE’S EARRINGS.

Josiah gives up Singin’--Betsey feelin’ lonesome, visits me--She bemoans her lone state--Betsey is willin’ but the men haint--A smile or a supper--Correctin’ a Husband--Woman as a runnin’ vine--The Elder’s Choice--The Carpet Pedler--Bound for a Trade--Bill Shakespeare’s present--An affectin’ story--Betsey makes a purchase--Thomas J. turns poet--Betsey shows her prize--The Minister’s Wife’s old Jewelry--Betsey sick at heart, goes home 127-144

A NITE OF TROUBLES.

A Serenade disturbed by Thomas J.--Musical powers of Cats--Josiah on the war-path--Another Serenade--Josiah swears--“Come, oh come with me”--Josiah shows wickedness--A “meloncholly man”--The Serenader “languishes”--An Address by Thomas J.--Relics left on the field 145-156

4th OF JULY IN JONESVILLE.

The Professor’s Poem--The Celebration on the field--Professor Aspire Todd--The Professor’s Speech--Old Mr. Bobbet endorses the speaker--The Editer interferes--“Yes! dround the Black Cat”--The next Speaker--An Argument Illustrated--A Wife’s Devotion--Adjournment for Dinner--Toasts given--A Poem by B. B.--At Home Countin’ the Cost--What good has it done? 157-174

SIMON SLIMPSEY’S MOURNFUL FOREBODIN’S.

Thomas J. discusses the Jews--He expresses his Opinion of Betsey’s Religion--A visit from Simon Slimpsey--His appearance--A Victim of bad luck--“She’ll get round me”--A Poem for Modest Wimmen, by B. B.--Slimpsey don’t want to marry--Reconciled to the loss of his late Consort--Overcome by his fears for the future 177-187

FREE LOVE LECTURES.

A Beautiful October day, good to pull Beets--Betsey gets Kissed at last--A Professor that was married some--Married Men good for some purposes--A Free Love Song--A war Cry--Professor Gusher’s Visit--Peppermint recommended to the Professor for his troubles--No Yearnin’ for Freedom--Value of Divorce Bills--What I would do if I Yearned--A Mean Business 188-200

ELDER WESLEY MINKLE’S DONATION.

Betsey visits me and brings her Tattin’--She Mourns over her neglected duties--She decides in future to work and also to prey--The Donation Party--Josiah objects to them--Quotes the ’postle Paul as an Example--How we went and what was Donated--Brother Minkley re-preaches his sermon to me--The Elder tempted--The Grab Bag--The Elder throws the tempter--A new attack of the Enemy--Grab Bags and Huzzies finally overcome--Match Makin’--The Editer arrives--He congratulates himself--Married and Saved--Betsey’s disappointment and wild agony--She seeks relief in Poetry--She desires to be a ghost 201-221

WIMMEN’S SPEAH.

The new Preacher clung to--A Visit from Betsey--A Discussion on Wimmen’s Speah--Female Delicacy as shown in Waltzin’ with Pirates mebbe--Wimmen as boards--Tattin’ and Paintin’--Dressin’ and Flirtin’--Readin’ Novels--Paul’s Letters--Wimmen’s talk--Itchin’ ears--Betsey’s new Poem on Matrimony--True Marriage--About Divorces--Clingers--Baptist Wimmen Voters--Nater will out: a hen will Scratch--Wimmen won’t be driven--Betsey prefers to walk home and is accommodated 222-243

A TOWER TO NEW YORK DISCUSSED.

Progress of affairs at Jonesville--Peace and Plenty--Betsey alive but Quiet--H. Greeley and I differ in some things--I propose a Tower--Josiah shows Jealousy--Democrats short of President Stuff--H. G. up for President--Effect of Suspense on me--Josiah consents to the Tower--Preparations--An Overskirt important--Josiah sells the Critter 244-257

GOVERNED BY PRINCIPLE.

Open preparations for the Tower--Josiah’s White Hat--My Principles induce me also to wear one--Old “Hail the Day” contributes Feathers--On the Political Fence--Betsey also proposes a Tower--At the Depott--Betsey Explains--The 1st Partin’ for 15 years 258-271

MEETIN’ GRANT AND COLFAX.

The Ticket Master--Folks I met with--Lack of Water Privileges--A Cigar without smoke--The Smilin’ Stranger--Bad use of Eggs--Grant and Colfax--“Ulysses, how do you do”--Betsey reads a Poem to Gen’l Grant--“Let us have Peace”--Betsey overcome by Strategim 272-287

AT NEW YORK, ASTERS’ES TAVERN.

A Familiar Stranger--“Will you have a bus?”--Betsey’s Hopes--A Vegetable Widow--Procession on Broadway--Miss Asters’es Tavern--The Register--The Elevator--First thoughts in the Mornin’--Breakfast table--An Insult--Store Tea--I leave the Water Runnin’--Betsey Disappointed again 288-305

MEET DR. MARY WALKER.

Call on Miss Hooker--Engaged and what of it--At Miss Woodhull’s door--Of Doubtful Gender--Miss Dr. Walker--Admittance obtained--A newly Married Man--Two Roman Noses 306-312

INTERVIEW WITH THEODORE AND VICTORY.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton--H. W. Beecher--Isabella Beecher Hooker--Susan B. Anthony--Theodore Tilton--Victory Woodhull--Male and Female Angels--Feathers on Angel’s Wings--Blind Marriages--Thoroughwert Pukes--Theodore’s Opinions--He Advocates Divorces--To Marry and not to Marry both Solemn--Betsey’s Prayer--Theodore yields 313-335

A WIMMEN’S RIGHTS LECTURER.

A Visitor--Been on a Lecture Tower--Tyrant man--A Cure for Pantin’ Hearts--A Star of Hope--Dress and Statesmanship--A Dinner and a Desert 336-347

ALEXANDER’S STORE.

Mr. Cash’es Family--Alexander don’t take Butter, Eggs, Socks, or Barter--A Look at Calicos--Foreign Princes--Dolly Varden and her Acquaintances--A Dreadful Discovery--Betsey’s Poetry in Market 348-356

A HARROWIN’ OPERATION.

A poor Maniac--A Affectin’ Sight--A Ear for Music--Tirzah Ann a Musician--Operation of the D-David--Farewell to Mrs. Asters’es 357-364

A VISIT TO HORACE.

First Impressions of him--No Peace for Candidates--Men all Alike--Darwin’s Idees--Horace’s old Letters--His Admissions--Wimmen’s Influence at Washington--The Wrong Foot Forrerd--A Woman, or Patrick Oh Flanegan--The Widder Albert--Queen Bees--Paul’s Opinions--Christ’s Example--Nearly Overcome--Betsey’s Overtures--Horace and I Part 365-396

A SEA VOYAGE.

Left by the Cars--On the Canal Boat--Terrible Storm--Dangers Surround Us--Betsey Writes a Poem--Sings Sea Odes--The Poem--At Home 397-405

OLD FRIENDS IN NEW GARMENTS.

Betsey Bobbet Married--Poor Simon Slimpsey--Betsey at Home--Her Last Poem--The End 406-420

HOME AND JOSIAH.

Bad News--Horace Greeley dead--A Review of my Tower--Victory in Jail--Miss Aster a deception--Beecher slandered--Tilton do. do.--Doubts of Josiah--My Kitchen--I wear a bow on principle--Our supper--Josiah grows sentimental--I don’t discourage him 421-434

PICTURES IN THE BOOK.

PAGE.

1 THE PLEASANT SUPPER (FULL PAGE) (_Frontispiece_)

2 I AND JOSIAH 19

3 REFRESHMENTS (TAIL PIECE) 20

4 TIRZAH ANN 23

5 BETSEY BOBBET 27

6 READIN’ POETRY 33

7 LOOKING FOR A VICTIM (TAIL PIECE) 37

8 PREPARIN’ FOR A PICTURE 39

9 THE PICTURE 45

10 THE SURPRISE PARTY (FULL PAGE) 53

11 DELICIOUS (TAIL PIECE) 57

12 THE QUILTIN’ PARTY (FULL PAGE) 77

13 SCANDALIZED (TAIL PIECE) 84

14 AN ACCIDENT 101

15 JOSIAH BEIN’ CHEERFUL 105

16 KEEPIN’ THE SICK QUIET 109

17 A FULL QUIRE 123

18 THE EAR RING PEDLER (FULL PAGE) 141

19 DISGUST (TAIL PIECE) 144

20 THE SERENADERS (FULL PAGE) 150

21 MEWSIN’ (TAIL PIECE) 156

22 THE FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION (FULL PAGE) 162

23 WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DINNER (FULL PAGE) 170

24 COUNTIN’ THE COST (FULL PAGE) 175

25 SIMON SLIMPSEY 182

26 SIMON OVERWHELMED 187

27 PROF. GUSHER 195

28 LIVIN’ ON GOSPEL 204

29 THE ENEMY ATTACKED 210

30 THE ELDER ON THE ALERT 213

31 BETSEY SEEKS RELIEF 219

32 A STRONG ATTACHMENT (TAIL PIECE) 221

33 FEMALE DELICACY 224

34 NO TIME TO VOTE 226

35 DREADFUL SHORT OF TIME 227

36 NO TIME TO STUDY LAWS 228

37 A WOMAN’S RIGHTS (FULL PAGE) 234

38 PRIMARY MEETINGS AND RESULTS (FULL PAGE) 241

39 A VICTORY (TAIL PIECE) 256

40 VISIT TO JONESVILLE (FULL PAGE) 263

41 GONE (TAIL PIECE) 271

42 THE SMILIN’ STRANGER (FULL PAGE) 278

43 “LET US HAVE PEACE” (FULL PAGE) 284

44 ON THE STREET 305

45 HARD AT WORK (FULL PAGE) 317

46 BETSEY’S PRAYER 334

47 ON A LECTURIN’ TOWER (FULL PAGE) 339

48 HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT? 342

49 FEMALE STATESMANSHIP 345

50 DON’T TAKE BARTER 350

51 DOLLY VARDEN 354

52 A HARROWIN’ SCENE 358

53 INTERVIEW WITH HORACE (FULL PAGE) 369

54 FILLIN’ WOMAN’S SPEAR UNDER DIFFICULTIES (FULL PAGE) 395

55 AT HOME 402

56 MR. BOBBET TELLS NEWS (FULL PAGE) 407

MARRIED TO JOSIAH ALLEN.

If anybody had told me when I was first born that I would marry to a widower, I should have been mad at ’em. I lived up to this idee quite a number of years, how many, is nobody’s business, that I will contend for. I laughed at the idee of love in my blindness of eye. But the first minute I sot my grey eye onto Josiah Allen I knew my fate. My heart was a pray to feelin’s it had heretofore been a stranger to.

Sez I to myself “Is this love?” I couldn’t answer, I was too agitated.

Josiah told me afterwards that he felt jest exactly the same, only, when his heart wildly put the question to him, “Is it love you feel for Samantha Smith?” he havin’ experience in the same, answered, “Yes, it is love.”

I married Josiah Allen (in mother’s parlor, on the fourteenth day of June, in a bran new silk dress with a long boddis waist) from pure love. Though why I loved him, I know not. I looked at his mild face beamin’ on me from above his black silk stock, which kep’ his head kinder stiff, and asked myself this question, “Why do you love him?” I reckolected then, and I have recalled it to his mind several times sense in our little differences of opinion, which occur in the happiest families--that I had had offers from men, handsomer than him, with more intelect than him, with more riches than him, with less children than him. Why didn’t I love these various men? I knew not. I can only repeat in the immortal and almost deathless lines of the poet, “Love will go where it is sent.”

Yes, Josiah Allen was my fate, and when I laid my light silk glove in his’en (they was almost of a color, a kind of cinnemen broun) before the alter, or that is before Elder Wesley Minkley, I did it with the purest and tenderest emotions of love.

And that love has been like a Becon in our pathway ever sense. Its pure light, though it has sputtered some, and in tryin’ times such as washin’ days and cleanin’ house times has burnt down pretty low,--has never gone out.

When I married him the bald spot on his head wuzn’t much bigger than a new silver dollar. Now the top of his head is as smooth and clean as one of my stun china dinner plates, and if any horse jocky was to try to judge of his age by lookin’ at his teeth, they would be baffled, not but what he has got some teeth, but they are pretty scatterin’. But still that Becon shines, that pure love triumphs over lost teeth and vanished sandy hair. There haint a man on the face of the earth that looks so good to me as Josiah Allen. I don’t tell him this, mind you, 14 years experience of married life has taught me caution. Josiah is as good as they’ll average generally, but no man can’t stand too much flattery, men are naturally vain.