Part 1

MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES

By “PUNCH.”

With Illustrations by John Leech

PHILADELPHIA: CAREY AND HART.

1845.

MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES.

LECTURE I. MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT FIVE POUNDS TO A FRIEND.

“You ought to be very rich, Mr. Caudle. I wonder who'd lend you five pounds? But so it is: a wife may work and may slave! Ha, dear! the many things that might have been done with five pounds! As if people picked up money in the street! But you always were a fool, Mr. Caudle! I 've wanted a black satin gown these three years, and that five pounds would have pretty well bought it. But it's no matter how I go,--not at all. Every body says I don't dress as becomes your wife--and I don't: but what's that to you, Mr. Caudle? Nothing. Oh no! you can have fine feelings for everybody but those belonging to you. I wish people knew you, as I do--that's all. You like to be called liberal--and your poor family pays for it.

“All the girls want bonnets, and when they're to get 'em I can't tell. Half five pounds would have bought 'em--but now they must go without. Of course, _they_ belong to you; and anybody but your own flesh and blood, Mr. Caudle.

“The man called for the water-rate, to-day; but I should like to know how people are to pay taxes, who throw away five pounds to every fellow that asks them.

“Perhaps you don't know that Jack, this morning, knocked his shuttle-cock through his bed-room window. I was going to send for the glazier to mend it; but after you lent that five pounds I was sure we couldn't afford it. Oh, no! the window must go as it is; and pretty weather for a dear child to sleep with a broken window. He's got a cold already on his lungs, and I shouldn't at all wonder if that broken window settled him--if the dear boy dies, his death will be upon his father's head; for I'm sure we can't now pay to mend windows. We might though, and do a good many more things, if people didn't throw away their five pounds.

“Next Tuesday the fire-insurance is due. I should like to know how it's to be paid! Why, it can't be paid at all. That five pounds would have just done it--and now, insurance is out of the question. And there never were so many fires as there are now. I shall never close my eyes all night,--but what's that to you, so people can call you liberal Mr. Caudle '? Your wife and children may all be burnt alive in their beds--as all of us to a certainty shall be, for the insurance _must_ drop. And after we've insured for so many years! But how, I should like to know, are people to insure who make ducks and drakes of their five pounds?

“I did think we might go to Margate this summer. There's poor little Caroline, I'm sure she wants the sea. But no, dear creature! she must stop at home--all of us must stop at home--she'll go into a consumption, there's no doubt of that; yes--sweet little angel!--I've made up my mind to lose her, _now_. The child might have been saved; but people can't save their children and throw away their five pounds too.

“I wonder where poor little Cherub is! While you were lending that five pounds, the dog ran out of the shop. You know, I never let it go into the street, for fear it should be bit by some mad dog, and come home and bite all the children. It wouldn't now at all astonish me if the animal was to come back with the hydrophobia and give it to all the family. However, what's your family to you, so you can play the liberal creature with five pounds?

“Do you hear that shutter, how it's banging to and fro? Yes,--I know what it wants as well as you, it wants a new fastening. I was going to send for the blacksmith to-day. But now it's out of the question: _now_ it must bang of nights, since you've thrown away five pounds.

“Well, things are come to a pretty pass! This is the first night I ever made my supper off roast beef without pickles. But who is to afford pickles when folks are always lending five pounds?

“Ha! there's the soot falling down the chimney. If I hate the smell of anything, it's the smell of soot. And you know it; but what are my feelings to you? Sweep the chimney! Yes, it's all very fine to say, sweep the chimney--but how are chimneys to be swept--how are they to be paid for by people who don't take care of their five pounds?

“Do you hear the mice running about the room? _I_ hear them. If they were only to drag you out of bed, it would be no matter. Set a trap for them! Yes, it's easy enough to say--set a trap for 'em. But how are people to afford the cheese, when every day they lose five pounds?

“Hark! I'm sure there's a noise down stairs. It wouldn't at all surprise me if there were thieves in the house. Well, it _may_ be the cat; but thieves are pretty sure to come in some night. There's a wretched fastening to the back-door; but these are not times to afford bolts and bars, when fools wont take care of their five pounds.

“Mary Anne ought to have gone to the dentist's to-morrow. She wants three teeth taken out. Now, it can't be done. Three teeth that quite disfigure the child's mouth. But there they must stop, and spoil the sweetest face that was ever made. Otherwise, she'd have been a wife for a lord. Now, when she grows up, who'll have her? Nobody. We shall die, and leave her alone and unprotected in the world. But what do you care for that? Nothing; so you can squander away five pounds.

“And now, see, Mr. Caudle, what a misery you've brought upon your wretched family! I can't have a satin gown--the girls can't have new bonnets--the water-rate must stand over--Jack must get his death through a broken window--our fire-insurance can't be paid, so we shall all fall victims to the devouring element--we can't go to Margate, and Caroline will go to an early grave--the dog will come home and bite us all mad--that shutter will go banging for ever--the soot will always fall--the mice never let us have a wink of sleep--thieves be always breaking in the house--and our dear Mary Anne be for ever left an unprotected maid,--and all, all, Mr. Caudle, because _YOU WILL GO ON LENDING FIVE POUNDS!_”

LECTURE II. MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN AT A TAVERN WITH A FRIEND.

OOR me! Ha! I 'm sure I don't know who'd be a poor woman! I don't know who'd tie themselves up to a man, if they knew only half they'd have to bear. A wife must stay at home, and be a drudge, whilst a man can go anywhere. It's enough for a wife to sit like Cinderella by the ashes, whilst her husband can go drinking and singing at a tavern. You never sing! How do I know you never sing? It's very well for you to say so; but if I could hear you, I dare say you're among the worst of 'em.

“And now, I suppose, it will be the tavern every night. If you think I'm going to sit up for you, Mr. Caudle, you 're very much mistaken. No: and I'm not going to get out of my warm bed to let you in, either. No: nor Susan shan't sit up for you. No: nor you shan't have a latch-key. I'm not going to sleep with the door upon the latch, to be murdered before the morning.

“Faugh! Pah! Whewgh! That filthy tobacco smoke! It's enough to kill any decent woman. You know I hate tobacco, and yet you will do it. You don't smoke yourself! What of that? If you go among people who _do_ smoke, you 're just as bad, or worse. You might as well smoke--indeed, better. Better smoke yourself than come home with other people's smoke in your hair.

“I never knew any good come to a man who went to a tavern. Nice companions he picks up there! Yes; people who make it a boast to treat their wives like slaves, and ruin their families. There's that wretch, Prettyman. See what he's come to. He doesn't now get home till two in the morning; and then in what a state! He begins quarrelling with the door-mat, that his poor wife may be afraid to speak to him. A mean wretch! But don't you think I'll be like Mrs. Prettyman. No: I wouldn't put up with it from the best man that ever trod. You 'll not make me afraid to speak to you, however you may swear at the door-mat. No, Mr. Caudle, that you won't.

“You don't intend to stay out till two in the morning! How do you know what you 'll do when you get among such people? Men can't answer for themselves when they get boozing one with another. They never think of their poor wives, who are grieving and wearing themselves out at home. A nice headache you 'll have tomorrow morning--or rather _this_ morning; for it must be past twelve. You won't have a headache! It 's very well for you to say so, but I know you will; and then you may nurse yourself for me. Ha! that filthy tobacco again! No: I shall not go to sleep like a good soul! How's people to go to sleep when they 're suffocated?

“Yes, Mr. Caudle, you'll be nice and ill in the morning! But don't you think I'm going to let you have your breakfast in bed, like Mrs. Pretty-man. I'll not be such a fool. No: nor I won't have discredit brought upon the house by sending for soda-water early, for all the neighbourhood to say, 'Caudle was drunk last night!' No: I've some regard for the dear children, if you havn't. No: nor you shan't have broth for dinner. Not a neck of mutton crosses my threshold, I can tell you.

“You won't want soda, and you won't want broth! All the better. You wouldn't get 'em if you did, I can assure you.------ Dear, dear, dear! That filthy tobacco! I'm sure it's enough to make me as bad as you are. Talking about getting divorced,--I'm sure tobacco ought to be good grounds. How little does a woman think when she marries, that she gives herself up to be poisoned! You men contrive to have it all of your own side, you do. Now if I was to go and leave you and the children, a pretty noise there'd be! You, however, can go and smoke no end of pipes------ You didn't smoke! It's all the same, Mr. Caudle, if you go among smoking people. Folks are known by their company. You'd better smoke yourself, than bring me home the pipes of all the world.

“Yes, I see how it will be. Now you 've once gone to a tavern, you 'll always be going. You 'll be coming home tipsy every night; and tumbling down and breaking your leg, and putting out your shoulder; and bringing all sorts of disgrace and expense upon us. And then you 'll be getting into a street fight--oh! I know your temper too well to doubt it, Mr. Caudle--and be knocking down some of the police. And then I know what will follow. It _must_ follow. Yes, you 'll be sent for a month or six weeks to the treadmill. Pretty thing that, for a respectable tradesman, Mr. Caudle, to be put upon the treadmill with all sorts of thieves and vagabonds, and--there, again, that horrible tobacco!--and riff-raff of every kind. I should like to know how your children are to hold up their heads, after their father has been upon the treadmill?---- No: I _won't_ go to sleep. And I'm not talking of what's impossible. I know it will all happen--every bit of it. If it wasn't for the dear children, you might be ruined and I wouldn't so much as speak about it, but--oh, dear, dear! at least you might go where they smoke _good_ tobacco--but I can't forget that I'm their mother. At least, they shall have _one_ parent.

“Taverns! Never did a man go to a tavern who didn't die a beggar. And how your pot-companions will laugh at you when they see your name in the _Gazette!_ For it _must_ happen. Your business is sure to fall off; for what respectable people will buy toys for their children of a drunkard? You 're not a drunkard! No: but you will be--it's all the same.

“You've begun by staying out till midnight. By-and-by 't will be all night. But don't you think, Mr. Caudle, you shall ever have a key. I know you. Yes; you'd do exactly like that Prettyman, and what did he do, only last Wednesday? Why, he let himself in about four in the morning, and brought home with him his pot-companion. His dear wife woke at six, and saw Prettyman's dirty boots at her bed-side. And where was the wretch, her husband? Why, he was drinking down stairs--swilling. Yes; worse than a midnight robber, he'd taken the keys out of his dear wife's pockets--ha! what that poor creature has to bear!--and had got at the brandy. A pretty thing for a wife to wake at six in the morning, and instead of her husband to see his dirty boots!

“But I 'll not be made your victim, Mr. Caudle, not I. You shall never get at my keys, for they shall lie under my pillow--under my own head, Mr. Caudle.

“You'll be ruined, but if I can help it, you shall ruin nobody but yourself.

“Oh! that hor--hor--hor--i--ble tob--ac--co!”

LECTURE III. MR. CAUDLE JOINS A CLUB,--“THE SKYLARKS.”

“I'm sure a poor woman had better be in her grave than married! That is, if she can't be married to a decent man! No: I don't care if you are tired, I _shan't_, let you go to sleep. No, and I won't say what I have to say in the morning; I'll say it now. It's all very well for you to come home at what time you like--it's now half-past twelve--and expect I'm to hold my tongue, and let you go to sleep. What next, I wonder? A woman had better be sold for a slave at once.

“And so you've gone and joined a club! The Skylarks, indeed! A pretty skylark you 'll make of yourself! But I won't stay and be ruined by you. No: I'm determined of that. I 'll go and take the dear children, and you may get who you like to keep your house. That is, as long as you have a house to keep--and that won't be long, know.

“How any decent man can go and spend his nights in a tavern!--oh, yes, Mr. Caudle; I dare say you _do_ go for rational conversation. I should like to know how many of you would care for what you call rational conversation, if you had it without your filthy brandy-and-water; yes, and your more filthy tobacco-smoke. I'm sure the last time you came home, I had the head-ache for a week. But I know who it is who's taking you to destruction. It's that brute, Prettyman. He has broken his own poor wife's heart, and now he wants to--but don't you think it, Mr. Caudle; I'll not have my peace of mind destroyed by the best man that ever trod. Oh, yes! I know you don't care so long as you can appear well to all the world,--but the world little thinks how you behave to me. It shall know it, though--that I'm determined.

“How any man can leave his own happy fireside to go and sit, and smoke, and drink, and talk with people who wouldn't one of 'em lift a finger to save him from hanging--how any man can leave his wife--and a good wife, too, though I say it--for a parcel of pot-companions--oh, it's disgraceful, Mr. Caudle: it's unfeeling. No man who had the least love for his wife could do it.

“And I suppose this is to be the case every Saturday? But I know what I 'll do. I know--it's no use, Mr. Caudle, your calling me a good creature: I'm not such a fool as to be coaxed in that way. No: if you want to go to sleep, you should come home in Christian time, not at halfpast twelve. There was a time, when you were as regular at your fireside as the kettle. That was when you were a decent man, and didn't go amongst, Heaven knows who, drinking and smoking, and making what you think your jokes. I never heard any good come to a man who cared about jokes. No respectable tradesman does. But I know what I'll do: I'll scare away your Skylarks. The house serves liquor after twelve of a Saturday; and if I don't write to the magistrates, and have the license taken away, I'm not lying in this bed this night. Yes, you may call me a foolish woman; but no, Mr. Caudle, no; it's you who are the foolish man: or worse than a foolish man; you 're--a wicked one. If you were to die to-morrow--and people who go to public-houses do all they can to shorten their lives--I should like to know who would write upon your tombstone, 'A tender husband and an affectionate father.' I--I'd have no such falsehoods told of you, I can assure you.

“Going and spending your money, and--nonsense! don't tell me--no, if you were to ten times swear it, I wouldn't believe that you only spent eighteen-pence on a Saturday. You can't be all those hours, and only spend eighteen-pence. I know better. I'm not quite a fool, Mr. Caudle. A great deal you could have for eighteen-pence! And all the Club married men and fathers of families. The more shame for 'em! Skylarks, indeed! They should call themselves Vultures; for they can only do as they do by robbing their innocent wives and children. Eighteen-pence a week! And if it was only that,--do you know what fifty-two eighteen-pences come to in a year? Do you ever think of that, and see the gowns I wear? I'm sure I can't, out of the house-money, buy myself a pincushion; though I've wanted one these six months. No--not so much as a ball of cotton.” But what do you care, so you can get your brandy-and-water? There's the girls, top--the things they want! They are never dressed like other people's children. But it's all the same to their father. Oh, yes! So he can go with his Skylarks, they may wear sackcloth for pinafores, and packthread for garters.

“You'd better not let that Mr. Prettyman come here, that's all; or, rather, you'd better bring him once. Yes, I should like to see him. He wouldn't forget it. A man who, I may say, lives and moves only in a spittoon. A man who has a pipe in his mouth as constant as his front teeth. A sort of tavern king, with a lot of fools, like you, to laugh at what lie thinks his jokes, and give him consequence. No, Mr. Caudle, no; it's no use your telling me to go to sleep, for I won't. Go to sleep, indeed! I'm sure it's almost time to get up. I hardly know what's the use of coming to bed at all now.

“The Skylarks, indeed! I suppose you 'll be buying a 'Little Warbler,' and at your time of life, be trying to sing. The peacocks will sing next. A pretty name you 'll get in the neighbourhood; and, in a very little time, a nice face you 'll have. Your nose is getting redder already: and you've just one of the noses that liquor always flies to. You don't see it's red? No--I dare say not--but I see it; I see a great many things-you don't. And so you 'll go on. In a little time, with your brandy-and-water--don't tell me that you only take two small glasses; I know what men's two small glasses are; in a little time you'll have a face all over as if it was made of red currant jam. And I should like to know who's to endure you then? I won't, and so don't think it. Don't come to me.

“Nice habits men learn at clubs! There's Joskins: he was a decent creature once, and now I'm told he has more than once boxed his wife's ears. He's a Skylark, too. And I suppose, some day, you 'll be trying to box _my_ ears? Don't attempt it, Mr. Caudle; I say, don't attempt it. Yes--it's all very well for you to say you don't mean it,--but I only say again, don't attempt it. You'd rue it till the day of your death, Mr. Caudle.

“Going and sitting for four hours at a tavern! What men, unless they had their wives with them, can find to talk about, I can't think. No good, of course.

“Eighteen-pence a week--and drinking brandy-and-water, enough to swim a boat! And smoking like the funnel of a steam-ship! And I can't afford myself so much as a piece of tape! It's brutal, Mr. Caudle. It's ve-ve-ve--ry bru--tal.”

And, says a note in the MS. by Mr. Caudle--“Here, thank heaven! yawning, she fell asleep.”

LECTURE IV. MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN CALLED FROM HIS BED TO BAIL MR. PRETTYMAN FROM THE WATCH-HOUSE.

IE, Mr. Caudle, I knew it would come to this. I said it would, when you joined those precious Skylarks. People being called out of their beds at all hours of the night to bail a set of fellows who are never so happy as when they 're leading sober men to destruction. I should like to know what the neighbours will think of you, with people from the police knocking at the door at two in the morning. Don't tell me that the man has been ill-used: he's not the man to be ill-used. And you must go and bail him. I know the end of that: he 'll run away, and you 'll have to pay the money. I should like to know what's the use of my working and slaving to save a farthing, when you throw away pounds upon your precious Skylarks. A pretty cold you 'll have to-morrow morning, being called out of your warm bed this weather; but don't you think I'll nurse you--not I; not a drop of gruel do you get from me.

“I'm sure you've plenty of ways of spending your money--not throwing it away upon a set of dissolute peace-breakers. It's all very well for you to say you haven't thrown away your money, but you will. He 'll be certain to run off; it isn't likely he 'll go upon his trial, and you 'll be fixed with the bail. Don't tell me there's no trial in the matter, because I know there is; it's for something more than quarrelling with the policeman that he was locked up. People ain't locked up for that. No, it's for robbery, or something worse, perhaps.

“And as you've bailed him, people will think you are as bad as he is. Don't tell me you couldn't help bailing him; you should have shown yourself a respectable man, and have let him been sent to prison.

“Now people know you 're the friend of drunken and other disorderly persons, you 'll never have a night's sleep in your bed. Not that it would matter what fell upon you, if it wasn't your poor wife who suffered. Of course all the business will be in the newspapers, and your name with it. I shouldn't wonder, too, if they give your picture as they do the other folks of the Old Bailey. A pretty thing that, to go down to your children. I'm sure it will be enough to make them change their name. No, I shall not go to sleep; it's all very well for you to say, go to sleep, after such a disturbance. I shall not go------”

But here, says Mr. Caudle's manuscript, happily she slumbered; for Mr. Caudle had, considering the theme she had to talk upon, a remarkably short lecture.

LECTURE V. MR. CAUDLE HAS REMAINED DOWN STAIRS TILL PAST ONE, WITH A FRIEND.

pretty time of night to come to bed, Mr. Caudle. Ugh! As cold, too, as any ice. Enough to give any woman her death, I'm sure. What! I shouldn't have locked up the coals, indeed? If I hadn't, I've no doubt the fellow would have staid all night. It's all very well for you, Mr. Caudle, to bring people home,--but I wish you'd think first what's for supper. That beautiful leg of pork would have served for our dinner to-morrow,--and now it's gone. _I_ can't keep the house upon the money, and I won't pretend to do it, if you bring a mob of people every night to clear the cupboard.

“I wonder who'll be so ready to give you a supper when you want one; for want one you will, unless you change your plans. Don't tell me! I know I'm right. You'll first be eaten up, and then you 'll be laughed at. I know the world. No, indeed, Mr. Caudle, I don't think ill of everybody; don't say that. But I can't see a leg of pork eaten up in that way, without asking myself what it's all to end in if such things go on? And then he must have pickles, too! Couldn't be content with my cabbage--no, Mr. Caudle, I won't let you go to sleep. It's very well for you to say let you go to sleep, after you've kept me awake till this time. _Why_ did I keep awake? How do you suppose I could go to sleep, when I knew that man was below drinking up your substance in brandy-and-water? for he couldn't be content upon decent, wholesome gin. Upon my word, you ought to be a rich man, Mr. Caudle. You have such very fine friends. I wonder who gives you brandy when you go out!