Part 2
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OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a crocydile!
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INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
_Auntie._ No!
_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!
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INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"
"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea, you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
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NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize at school?
_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
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A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
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_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can _you_, auntie?
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CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
"They lived in groves of oak."
"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
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MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
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THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister, George?
_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very much, I can tell you!
_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you?
_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back was turned, and I was looking another way!
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PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.--_Son and heir_ (_whose inquiring turn of mind is occasionally a nuisance_). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?
_Father._ A vocabulary, my boy--what d'you want to know that for?
_Son._ 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!
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AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL--_Teacher._ Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is meant by baptism?
_Mary Brown._ Oh, _I_ know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on baby's arm last Toosday!
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YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL.--"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine o'clock! What will _papa_ say when he comes home?"
"Oh, papa! _He'll_ say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
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A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
"No, dear. It was imagination!"
"Are 'maginations white behind?"
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IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.--_The new Governess._ What are the comparative and superlative of _bad_, Berty?
_Berty_ (_the Doctor's son_). Bad--worse--dead.
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A CAPITAL CHOICE.--_Cousin Amy._ So you haven't made up your mind yet what _profession_ you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.
_Bobby._ Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all that!
[_Bobby's papa is a curate, with L200 a year._
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THE SICK CHILD
BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take; But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache. Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am, And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam. I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more, Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me, In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea. It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without; They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about. I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie; I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try. I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much; Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch! Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear. My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!
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_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me?
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PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
"O, yes, mamma!"
"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
"Pickles!"
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_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother?
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"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with _you_, you know!
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COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses?
_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at once!
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LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_). Are you a chemist?
_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear.
_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the window?
_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough Jujubes?
_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not.
_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. You can't be a respectable chemist.
_E. P._ Why not, my dear?
_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists."
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AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some more bread-and-butter?
_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about.
_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum or seed?
_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
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HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is greater than the whole_!"
_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a whole one.
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AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow, Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
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"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so often at me in church?"
"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
"Behind me."
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A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your governess get ill on mince pies?
_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why?
_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been so herself.
[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in question._
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_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've forgotten to put on your top part!
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ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?"
"Bluebeard!"
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ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"
"Certainly, Effie!"
"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
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