Part 1
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WITH THE CHILDREN
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
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MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
AS PICTURED BY
PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS
_IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS_
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
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THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN
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EDITOR'S NOTE
In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last, yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The _Punch_ pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been much associated with _Punch_ since 1841 has had something to say or to illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the doings of the children. MR. PUNCH himself resembles Peter Pan, for he has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback remains as young as ever.
The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem children are better mannered, even if the _enfant terrible_ is still thriving and likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children--the mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be thus permanently gathered into one volume.
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MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss Pansy, who is somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet?
_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.
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_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?
_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie.
_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?
_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set!
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A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind you don't use any rude words!"
"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!"
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WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane to-night?
_Mamma._ No, darling? Why?
_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps up there lighted so late.
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ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie?
_Maggie._ I don't know.
_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about?
_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my 'punge-take!
_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!
_Maggie._ O--that was baby's!
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A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the meaning of bric-a-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?
_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear we'll break them.
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POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--
"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
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JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?
_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never.
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"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?
_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa!
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A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc?
_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife.
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A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?
_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and 'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know, because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.
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THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham famous for?
_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir.
[_Waits afterwards._
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PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very naughty little girl!
_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins, mummy?
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TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to send her?"
"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black pig now without thinking of _her_!"
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A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_?
_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes! Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.
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MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_aetat eight_). I've a birthday party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.
_Little Evie_ (_aetat nine_). I should love to, dear.
_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea first.
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IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!
_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you should say, "are bounded."
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SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith Jones, whom you met?
_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr. Jones.
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A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and things we don't like.
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MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at "very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention, permanent fair weather.
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AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state what is likely to be the future of China?
_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's like him.
_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?
_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.
[_Class dismissed immediately._
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A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women were beastly rude.
_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong. And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage (_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old French beans.
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SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or something; then mother'll buy it me!"
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"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school, Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool; Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright, Johnnie could never do anything right. Genius often is known to fail; Tommy turned forger, and went to jail. Johnnie, though slow as he well could be, Plodded away and became M.P.
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THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!
_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!
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HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"
"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through the _other_, sir!"
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THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are they reading about?
_Teacher._ American Indians.
_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.
_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.
_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?
_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!
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A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with this apple?
_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?
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A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?
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MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
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IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid dog _staring at me with his teeth_.
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