Part 5
1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man--probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!"
2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. "Why--er--n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah--armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself.
3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up----" "Really very good of you!" exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept----" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
4. They alighted at the terminus. "There--there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
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RULES FOR THE RAIL
A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYS
The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers.
7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets.
9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them.
11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
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BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE
The man who got in at Blackfriars Was smoking the foulest of briars, But it went out all right-- Could I give him a light?-- Hadn't got one--well, all men are liars.
I've frequently noticed the Temple Is a place there are not enough rhymes to; And that's why I've made This verse somewhat blank, And rather disregarded the metre.
How _do_ you pronounce Charing Cross? It's a point where I'm quite at a loss. Some people, of course, Would rhyme it with "horse," But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
A woman at Westminster Bridge Had got just a speck on the ridge Of her Romanesque nose. "It's a black, I suppose," She observed. Then it flew--'twas a midge.
One man from the Park of St. James, Had really the loftiest aims; In the hat-rack he sat, Used my hair as a mat, And when I demurred called me names.
I bought from the stall at Victoria A horrible sixpenny story, a Book of a kind It pained me to find For sale at our English emporia.
I found when I got to Sloane Square That my ticket was gone; my despair Was awful to see, Till at last to my glee I looked in my hat--it was there!
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AS SHYLOCK SAID.--_Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount._ "Give me my principal, and let me go."
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SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE
If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.
If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau, accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A. R. A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.
If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.
If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same _route_ taken by Captain Bubble _en voyage_ for Spain.
If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that _Mr. Punch_ is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
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SONG FOR ENGINE-DRIVERS BEFORE A COLLISION.--"Whistle--and I'll come to you, my lad."
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"READING between the lines" is a dangerous occupation--when there's a train coming.
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THE HIGH-METALLED RACER.--A locomotive engine.
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MY SEASON TICKET
Ever against my breast, Safe in my pocket pressed, Ready at my behest, Daintily pretty Gilt-printed piece of leather, Though fair or foul the weather, Daily we go together Up to the City. Yet, as I ride at ease, Papers strewn on my knees, And I hear "Seasons, please!" Shouted in warning: Pockets I search in vain All through and through again; "Pray do not stop the train-- Lost it this morning. No, I have not a card, Nor can I pay you, guard-- Truly my lot is hard, This is the reason, Now I recall to mind Changing my clothes, I find I left them all behind,-- Money, cards, 'season.'"
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MOTTO FOR THE SOUTH-EASTERN COMPANY'S REFRESHMENT ROOMS.--"O Swallow, Swallow, flying, flying south!"
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If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the design of the locomotives, &c., as above.]
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Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.]
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AT A RAILWAY STATION
Never the time and the train And the station all together! My watch--set "fast" in vain! Slow cab--and foggy weather! I have missed the express again. It was all the porter's fault, not mine, But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak, His slowness and red tape combine To make him take about a week To label my bag--and he dared to speak, When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine! O epithet all incarnadine, Leave, leave the lips of the working-man! It is simply past All bounds--aghast My indignation scarce hold I can. My watch may have helped to thus mislead, My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed; But still, however these things may be, Out there on the platform wrangle we-- Oh, hot and strong slang I and he, --I and he!
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THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal blackguardism finds "sanctuary."
The one duty of a guard--as of a watch--is to "keep time." He is not expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.
No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute can violently force his way into it.
When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for future operations.
Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and horse-play of the most offensive character.
The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.
To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and his sympathisers--if any--would be as tedious as superfluous; but the combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that _he_ can't stop to interfere, _his_ business being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to "keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing "_Rule Britannia_" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the Hunderground."
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TERMINUS TRIOLETS
_At Charing Cross._
To Paris by the tidal train. Here, register this luggage, quick! Why, all the world seems going, Jane, To Paris by the tidal train. It's blowing quite a hurricane; I hope, my love, you won't be sick. To Paris by the tidal train. Here, register this luggage, quick!
_At Euston._
By Jove, I've run it precious near, Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow! Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear, By Jove, I've run it precious near. Holloa!--that gun-case--hand it here, The hat-box in the van can go. By Jove, I've run it precious near! Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!
_At Liverpool Street._
Six wholes, three halves, all second class. The baby, mind, you might have killed her. Oh, policeman, please to let us pass! Six wholes, three halves, all second class, To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass Of people. Do come on, Matilda. Six wholes, three halves, all second class. The baby, mind, you might have killed her.
_At Victoria._
Two first, return, to Brighton, please. Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car. I like to travel at my ease; Two first, return, to Brighton, please. We're running down to breathe the breeze, I can't from business go too far. Two first, return, to Brighton, please. Oh, yes--we'll go in Pullman's car.
_At Paddington._
Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray; Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning? How could he know we're wed to-day? Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray. My darling, hide that white bouquet; My head with champagne fumes is spinning. Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray. Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?
_At Waterloo._
Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more; You'll write to mother now and then? A sign from sea is sweet on shore, Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more. Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore, Red eyes are never meant for men. Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more; You'll write to mother now and then?
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BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.