Part 4
_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether _L_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station.
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SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush and City Railway like certain vegetables?
_A._ Because they're "Tubers."
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THE TYMPANUM
(_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station_)
The tympanum! The tympanum! Oh! who will save the aural drum By softening to some gentler squeak The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek? Oh! Engine-driver, did you know How your blast smites one like a blow, An inward shock, a racking strain, A knife-like thrust of poignant pain, Whilst groping through the tunnel murk You would not with that fiendish jerk Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream Thy whistle weird perchance may be A sad and sore necessity, But cannot Law and sense combine To--well, in short to draw the line?-- Across the open let it shrill From moor to moor, from hill to hill, But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom, The station's cramped reverberant room, A gentler, _graduated_ blast! _Do_ let it loose, whilst dashing past, So shall it spare us many a pang; That dread explosive bursting "bang" Which nearly splits the aural drum, The poor long-suffering tympanum!
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WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL
Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this excursion season.
Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to start without somebody or other exclaiming, "_Now_ we're off!"
Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.
Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding him.
Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being broken.
Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics.
Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in _Bradshaw_.
Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company.
Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers.
Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.
Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway.
TO THE STATION.
Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.
Wonder if that church clock is right.
Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the station.
THE STATION.
Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.
Wonder if I shall see him again.
Wonder if I shall know him when I _do_ see him again.
Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
Wonder where I take my ticket.
Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.
Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.
Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.
Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.
Wonder where my luggage is.
Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.
Wonder which is my train.
Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the writing-case.
Wonder if it _will_ be "all right" as the guard says it will be.
Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper van.
Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.
Wonder if they've got the _Times_ of the day before yesterday, which I haven't seen.
Wonder if _Punch_ of this week is out yet.
Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.
Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.
Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to know it again.
Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage for me.
Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.
Wonder where they've put my luggage.
THE JOURNEY.
Wonder if my change is all right.
Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.
Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.
Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly.
Wonder if any one objects to smoking.
Wonder that nobody does.
Wonder where I put my lights.
Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.
Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.
Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.
Wonder that nobody has.
Wonder when we can get some.
Wonder if there's anything in the paper.
Wonder why they don't cut it.
Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.
Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.
Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.
Wonder where I put my ticket.
Wonder where I _could_ have put my ticket.
Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.
Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.
Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.
Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.
Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder.
Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.
Wonder if we're going off the line.
Wonder what station we stop at first.
Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.
Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.
Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.
FIRST STATION.
Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.
Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.
Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.
Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.
Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.
Wonder where the refreshment-room is.
Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage.
Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly.
REFRESHMENT-ROOM.
Wonder what's the best thing to take.
Wonder whether soup's a good thing.
Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, twice.
Wonder if those buns are stale.
Wonder if tea goes well with buns.
Wonder what _does_ go with buns.
Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry.
Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.
Wonder if that's our bell for starting.
Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half.
Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.
Wonder if that _is_ our bell.
Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.
Wonder how much tea and buns come to.
Wonder where I put my small change.
Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without paying.
Wonder they don't keep change ready.
Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in suddenly.
THE PLATFORM.
Wonder which is my carriage.
Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that.
Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.
Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.
Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.
THE CARRIAGE.
Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station.
Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.
Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable.
Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.
Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever had one.
Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in.
Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.
THE JOURNEY (CONTINUED).
Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.
Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown.
Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering.
Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does.
Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.
Wonder what's the matter.
Wonder what it is.
Wonder what it _can_ be.
Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.
Wonder if the engine has broken down.
Wonder if there's anything on the line.
Wonder if the express is behind us.
Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.
Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.
Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a guard.
Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.
THE JOURNEY (CONCLUDED).
Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him.
Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder where their house is.
Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
Wonder what a fly will charge.
Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder what time they dine.
Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I _did_ leave it in the cab.
Wonder if this is where I get out.
SMALL STATION.
Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one.
Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
STONNHURST.
Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley Vale.
Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
Wonder which _is_ the road.
Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
Wonder what I can have done with it.
Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights.
Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
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A NEEDLESS PANIC.--Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.
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THOUGHT BY A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land--with lines.
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(_A Story of Delusive Aspirations_)