Part 4

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QUIDDITIES.--_For the Old Ladies._ A tea-party without scandal is like a knife without a handle.

Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.

Features without grace are like a clock without a face.

A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.

Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.

A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.

Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.

A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.

A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.

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MOTTO FOR A SELF-MADE AND SUCCESSFUL MONEY-LENDER.--"A loan I did it!"

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IMPROPER EXPRESSION.--Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for joy, "his delight knows no _bounds_."

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THE opposite to a tea-fight--A coffee-mill.

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CATTLE-SHOW WEEK

(_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)

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THE LINEN TRADE.--There have been a few transactions in rags at threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which turned the scale in his own favour.

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MOTTO FOR A MOURNING WAREHOUSE.--Die and let live.

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OUT OF PLACE.--A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.

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A FINANCIAL AUTHORITY BADLY WANTED.--The man who can say "bogus" to the investing goose.

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THE VEGETABLE MARKET.--Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the proprietors.

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A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET

I will not ask thee to be mine, Because I love thee far too well; Ah! what I feel, who thus resign All hope in life, no words can tell. Only the dictate I obey Of deep affection's strong excess, When, dearest, in despair, I say Farewell to thee and happiness.

Thy face, so tranquil and serene, To see bedimmed I could not bear, Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean, Disfigured with the lines of care, I could not brook the day to see When thou would'st not, as thou hast now, Have all those things surrounding thee That light the eye and smooth the brow.

Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear That want would e'er approach our door; I know it must to thee appear A melancholy dream: no more. Wilt thou not be with riches blest? Is not my fortune ample too? Must I not, therefore, be possessed, To feel that dread, of devils blue?

Alas! my wealth, that should maintain, My bride in glory and in joy, Is built on a foundation vain, Which soon a tempest will destroy. Yes, yes, an interest high, I know My capital at present bears; But in a moment it may go: It is invested all in shares.

The company is doomed to fall, Spreading around disaster dire, I hear that the directors all Are rogues--the greatest rogue thy sire! Go--seek a happier, wiser mate, Who had the wit to be content With the returns of his estate, And with Consols at three per cent!

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THE FEAST OF ALL FOOLS.--More than is good for them.

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THE "LAP" OF LUXURY.--Genuine milk in London.

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DISH FOR DIDDLED SHAREHOLDERS.--Bubble and squeak.

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SCIENCE GOSSIP.--"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is not a bird called the _ditto ditto_. Is he not thinking of our old acquaintance, the do-do?

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HOW TO MAKE MONEY.--Get a situation in the Mint.--_Economist._

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STRANGE COIN.--Forty _odd_ pounds!

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A CORRECTOR OF THE PRESS.--A policeman at a crowded crossing.

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NEVER ON ITS LEGS.--The most constant faller in the metropolis: the Strand, because it is always being picked up.

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THE MARKETS.--There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all the _pockets_ they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.

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THE FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW.--The account day on the Stock Exchange.

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A REGULAR MAKE-SHIFT.--The sewing machine.

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CITY INTELLIGENCE.--We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a dinner is on the _tapis_." The _tapis_ alluded to is, of course, Gob'lin?

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A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.--_Mrs. Griddleton._ What are those square things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?

_Driver._ Blinkers, ma'am.

_Mrs. G._ Why do you put them on, coachman?

_Driver._ To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.

[_Inquiry closed._

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INSCRIPTION FOR STREET LETTER-BOXES.--"From Pillar to Post."

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HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!

SCENE--_Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock._

_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers?

_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my boy.

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WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always following soot.

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BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company" with a big C?

_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents "Company" with a capital.

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THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income.

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SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days.

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THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school.

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NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's.

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MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers.

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A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle of next week.

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THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.

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SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.

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STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.

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THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.

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"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus.

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FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure.

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CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you have tried to eat the article at home.

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A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.

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TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.

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COMMERCIAL NEWS

Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.

Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.

A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.

The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.

Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day surprisingly.

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PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.

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FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances.

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A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid going down Long Acre.

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PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.

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HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.

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MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus, i.e., We Wear._

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THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.

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THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.

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HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.

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WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns.

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THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick!

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BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.