Part 3

MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.--"Suits from 35s. to order. Beware of firms that copy us."

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SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN LONDON.--Early departure of swallows from Swallow Street.

Poet's Corner covered with rime.

Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.

Coals raised.

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CYNIC'S MOTTO FOR KELLY'S DIRECTORY (_by the kind permission of the Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."_)--Living men whom I don't want to know.

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MONEY MARKET--Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.

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CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers, jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be at Stock-holm.

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ADVICE TO SMOKERS.--Cut Cavendish.

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FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue Lights."

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NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME

Bye baby bunting, Daddy's gone a hunting On the Stock Exchange, to catch Some one who is not his match; If he has luck, As well as pluck, A coach he'll very likely win To ride his baby bunting in.

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THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.

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A VERY MUCH OVER-RATED PLACE.--London, under the County Council.

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A BILL ACCEPTOR.--A dead wall.

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SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.

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LINKS THAT ARE NO SORT OF USE IN ANY FOG.--Shirt-links.

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THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFYING TREE IN LONDON.--The plane.

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"COIGNS OF 'VANTAGE."--_£_ _s_. _d_.

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THE "BREAD OF IDLENESS."--Loafing.

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POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE

Of this establishment how can we speak? Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.

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THE ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.--Quality Court.

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"THE CONTROLLER OF THE _MINT_."--The greengrocer.

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SEASONABLE.--What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably prefer? A _Cit's_ bath.

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THE TIPPLER'S PARADISE.--Portsoken Ward.

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MONEY MARKET

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THE STOCKBROKER'S VADE MECUM.--A book of good quotations.

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EPITAPH ON A LETTER CARRIER.--_Post obit._

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A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle of next week.

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THE LORD MAYOR'S RESIDENCE.--The munching house.

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]

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THE BEST SCHOOL OF COOKERY.--The office of a City accountant.

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THE MONEY MARKET

The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large, succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take advantage.

A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do with it, it blew over.

The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated at being asked to take their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke, we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.

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"LETTERS OF CREDIT."--I.O.U.

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CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.--Stopping in London in August.

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RESIDENCE FOR THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.--"The clearing-house."

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CORRESPONDENCE

If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well acquainted with history, I want to ask you--

Who is the Constable of the Tower?

What is his number?

Is he dressed like other constables?

Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on his beat?

Is his beat all round the Tower?

Is he a special? one of the _force de tour_, empowered to use a _tour de force_? (You see I am well up in French.)

I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in question?

Yours,

RUSTY CUSS IN URBE.

P.S.--Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek. The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?

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A SHOCKING THING TO THINK OF!--A galvanic battery.

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"CASH ADVANCES."--Courting a rich widow.

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MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.--"Cut and comb again."

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CORRECT MOTTO FOR THE EASY SHAVER.--Nothing like lather.

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THE BEST POSSESSION.--Self-possession.

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TWO SYNONYMOUS TRADES.--A hairdresser; a locksmith.

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THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.--Warm weather.

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TOWN IMPROVEMENT.--There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at Somer's Town.

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THE DUMMY-MONDE.--Madame Tussaud's wax-work.

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DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN

To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman should really know something about the art treasures of his native country.

To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years ago.

To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed to the editor of the _Times_.

To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the manners and customs of the English middle classes.

To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.) to see how the place looks without any people in it.

To have your photograph taken in your militia uniform, as now there is no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.

To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and published) as a most accomplished reviewer.

To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the season) with popular current literature.

To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of the house committee.

To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere, because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at Southampton.

To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early hours are good for the health, and because there is really nothing else to do.

And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very first train to-morrow morning!

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MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY

Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more, Shares were unstable ever, They often have been down before, At high rates constant never. Then sigh not so, Soon up they'll go, And you'll be blithe and funny, Converting all your notes of woe Into hey, money, money.

Write no more letters, write no mo On stocks so dull and heavy. At times on 'Change 'tis always so, When bears a tribute levy. Then sigh not so, And don't be low, In sunshine you'll make honey, Converting all your notes of woe, Into hey, money, money.

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"THE DESERTED VILLAGE."--London in September.

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THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARADISE.--Seven Dials.

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NEW EDITION OF WALKER

The baker rolls. The butcher shambles. The banker balances himself well. The cook has a mincing gait. The livery-stable keeper has a "_musing_ gait." The excursionist trips along. The fishmonger flounders on. The poulterer waddles like a duck. The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet. The grocer treads gingerly. The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step. The rogue shuffles, and The doctor's pace is killing.

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SHOPKEEPER'S SCIENCE.--Buyology.

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PEOPLE talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?

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BENEATH ONE'S NOTICE.--Advertisements on the pavement.

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THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE

CONCERNING CASH

_Question._ What is cash?

_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.

_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?

_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it.

_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash?

_A._ Certainly--upon credit.

_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit?

_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.

_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit?

_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.

_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his credit"?

_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit"; although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.

_Q._ What is bimetallism?

_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.

_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?

_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining silver, if you cannot get gold.

_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold?

_A._ The safest way is to borrow it.

_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way?

_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.

_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, but with smaller risk?

_A._ By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of the Stock Exchange.

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A GOOD FIGURE-HEAD.--An arithmetician's.

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"UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."

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COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.--Ploughmen.

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A "YOUNG SHAVER."--A barber's baby.

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JOINT ACCOUNT.--A butcher's bill.

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THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM

(_Subject to Revision after the Vacation_)

_Question._ What is meant by the promotion of a company?

_Answer._ The process of separating capital from its possessor.

_Q._ How is this end accomplished?

_A._ By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.

_Q._ Of what does a prospectus consist?

_A._ A front page and a statement of facts.

_Q._ Define a front page.

_A._ The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the lath concealing the quagmire--occasionally.

_Q._ Of what is a front page composed?

_A._ Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.

_Q._ How are these suggestions obtained?

_A._ In the customary fashion.

_Q._ Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the promotion of a company?

_A._ Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.

_Q._ Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?

_A._ Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.

_Q._ But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?

_A._ No; for he loses in any case.

_Q._ How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?

_A._ According to circumstances, from three-fifths to nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.

_Q._ And what does promotion do for the promoter?

_A._ It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.

_Q._ Why do you say "temporary"?

_A._ Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous future.

_Q._ You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies promoted, "limited"?

_A._ Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.

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ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)

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RIVER STYX.--"The thousand masts of Thames."

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THE MAN WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEND TO A SÉANCE.--The man who knows how to hit the happy medium.

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APPROPRIATE _LOCALE_ FOR THE DAIRY SHOW.--Chalk Farm.

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A TIDY DROP.--A glass of spirits, _neat_.

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