Part 1
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MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch", from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
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MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON.
AS PICTURED BY
PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND, FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS, STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.
_IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
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THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_
LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN
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ROUND THE TOWN
In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the 'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.
Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR. PUNCH'S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.
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MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money.
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FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in the vein.
"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.
"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.
[_The bystander retired._
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A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows.
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"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling.
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MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts; likewise anglers.
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JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you prepared to go the whole hog or none?
_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I'd rather go the none.
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WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn.
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HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS
_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout, and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.
_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first.
_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it.
_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over your shop.
_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics.
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THE STREETS OF LONDON
The stately streets of London Are always "up" in Spring, To ordinary minds an ex- traordinary thing. Then cabs across strange ridges bound, Or sink in holes, abused With words resembling not, in sound, Those Mrs. Hemans used.
The miry streets of London, Dotted with lamps by night; What pitfalls where the dazzled eye Sees doubly ruddy light! For in the season, just in May, When many meetings meet, The jocund vestry starts away, And closes all the street.
The shut-up streets of London! How willingly one jumps From where one's cab must stop through pools Of mud, in dancing pumps! When thus one skips on miry ways One's pride is much decreased, Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise" Is "three doors off" at least.
The free, fair streets of London Long, long, in vestry hall, May heads of native thickness rise, When April showers fall; And green for ever be the men Who spend the rates in May, By stopping all the traffic then In such a jocose way!
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THE GAS-FITTER'S PARADISE.--Berners Street.
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CIVIC WIT.--A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate for widening the Poultry.
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TO AUCTIONEERS.--The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in any _bye_ laws.
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POETRY AND FINANCE.--Among all the quotations in all the money market and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?
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ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."
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A GENTLEMAN who lives by his wits.--_Mr. Punch._
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DEFINITION.--The Mansion House--A mayor's nest.
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THE EXILED LONDONER
I roam beneath a foreign sky, That sky is cloudless, warm and clear; And everything is glad but I;-- But ah! my heart is far from here.
They bid me look on forests green, And boundless prairies stretching far; But I rejoice not in their sheen, And longing turn to Temple Bar.
They bid me list the torrent's roar, In all its foaming, bounding pride; But I, I only think the more On living torrents in Cheapside!
They bid me mark the mighty stream, Which Mississippi rolls to sea; But then I sink in pensive dream, And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!
They bid me note the mountains high, Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end; I only heave a secret sigh-- To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.
They taunt me with our denser air, And fogs so thick you scarce can see; Then, yellow fog, I will declare, Though strange to say, I long for thee.
And everything in this bright clime But serves to turn my thoughts to thee! Thou, London, of an earlier time, Oh! when shall I return to thee?
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PANIC IN THE CITY
TIME--3.30 P.M.
_Excited Stockbroker._--By Jove! it's serious now.
_Other dittos._ Hey? what?
_Excited Stockbroker._ Rothschild's "gone"--
_Clients_ (_new to City, thunderstruck_). _Gone!_ Rothschild!!--but--
_Excited Stockbroker._ Yes. _Gone to Paris._
_Exit._
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WHAT TO EXPECT AT AN HOTEL.--Inn-attention.
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A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.--Are sub-editors underwriters?
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INCIDENTS OF TAXATION.--Collectors and summonses.
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WHAT A CITY COMPANY DOES.--It may not be generally known that the duty of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses round, and then they proceed to business.
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IMPOSSIBLE PHRASE.--The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible. But, "the happy mean"--oh no--impossible.
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SONG FOR THE TOWN-TIED SPORTSMAN.--"How happy could I be with _heather_!"
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INSCRIPTION TO BE PLACED OVER THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Bear_ and for-_bear_."
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THE PRICE OF BREAD.--Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.
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OFFICIAL ORDER.--All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with umbrellas by Government.
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THE LONDONER'S DIARY
(_For August_)
_Monday._--Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there. Went to bed at twelve.
_Tuesday._--Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons. Closed. Went to bed at eleven.
_Wednesday._--Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted. Went to bed at ten.
_Thursday._--Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for repairs. Went to bed at nine.
_Friday._--Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at eight.
_Saturday._--Got up at five a.m. Went out of town at six.
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THE REVERSE OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.--A school in which very few members of society are brought up--a charity school.
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FOG
Thou comest in familiar guise, When in the morning I awake, You irritate my throat and eyes, I vow that life's a sad mistake. You come to hang about my hair, My much-enduring lungs to clog, I feel you with me everywhere, Our own peculiar London fog. You clothe the City in such gloom, We scarce can see across the street, You seem to penetrate each room, And mix with everything I eat. I hardly dare to stir about, But sit supine as any log; You make it torture to go out, Our own peculiar London fog.
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THE END OF TABLE-TURNING.--An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.
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"THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--What o'clock is it?
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PERPETUAL MOTION DISCOVERED.--The _winding_ up of public companies.
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FLIES IN AMBER.--Yellow cabs.
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THE CAPITALISTS
(_A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day_)
"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.
"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.
"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.
"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all the City is talking about it."
"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely marvellous!"
"Quite so. Never were we--as a people--so rich!"
"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."
"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.
"Right you are," cried Brown.
And then the two friends shook hands once more with increased cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few steps, and both stopped. They turned round.
"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."
"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."
"Well, the truth is, I am penniless--lend me half-a-crown."
Smith paused for a moment.
"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained surprise.
"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"
"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."
"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"
And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the fashion.
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TOO COMMON A THING.--A member of a limited liability company in a bad way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. He was asked why? He said he had had a call.
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ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER
He's the readiest customer living, While you're lending, or spending or giving; But when you'd make profit, or get back your own, He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.
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FAVOURITE SONG ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Oh! what a difference in the morning!_"
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THE REAL "BITTER" CRY OF LONDON.--The demand for Bass and Allsopp.
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CABBY calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.
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THE THING TO THROW LIGHT ON SPIRITUALISTIC SÉANCES.--A spirit-lamp.
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THE RULING PASSION.--A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.
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BUBBLE CONCERNS.--Aërated water companies.
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NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY
_Adam Street._--Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.
_Air Street._--Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.
_Aldermanbury._--Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.
_Amwell Street._--Always healthy.
_Barking Alley._--To be avoided in the dog days.
_Boy Court._--Not far from Child's Place.
_Camomile Street._--See Wormwood Street.
_Coldbath Square._--Very bracing.
_Distaff Lane._--Full of spinsters.
_Farm Street._--Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.
_Fashion Street._--Magnificent sight in the height of the season.
_First Street._--Of immense antiquity.
_Friday Street._--Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the week.
_Garlick Hill._--Make a little _détour_.
_Glasshouse Street._--Heavily insured against hailstorms.
_Godliman Street._--Irreproachable.
_Great Smith Street._--Which of the Smiths is this?
_Grundy Street._--Named after that famous historic character--Mrs. Grundy.
_Hercules Buildings._--Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours" of the Founder.
_Homer Street._--Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.
_Idol Lane._--Where are the Missionaries?
_Ivy Lane._--This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is difficult to make a selection.
_Lamb's Conduit Street._--Touching description (by the oldest inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.
_Liquorpond Street._--See Philpot Lane.
_Love Lane._--What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"
_Lupus Street._ } } Both dangerous. _Maddox Street._}
_Milk Street._--Notice the number of pumps.
_Mincing Lane._--Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.
_Orchard Street._--The last apple was gathered here about the time that the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.
_Paper Buildings._--Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively used in these buildings.
_Paradise Street._ } } Difficult to choose between the two. _Peerless Street._ }
_Poultry._ } } Crowded at Christmas. _Pudding Lane._ }
_Quality Court._--Most aristocratic.
_Riches Court._--Not a house to be had for love or money.
_Shepherdess Walk._--Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.
_Trump Street._--Noted for whist.
_Type Street._--Leaves a most favourable impression.
_World's End Passage._--Finis.
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"THE ROUND OF THE RESTAURANTS."--Beef.
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A LONDON FOG