Part 2

6. A quorum shall consist of forty Members. Should a count-out be demanded, Members who have been engaged in personal altercation, shall be included unless they are sufficiently conscious to utter "Erin go Bragh!" thrice distinctly.

7. Duels will be strictly forbidden. Should any Member, however, think proper to break this rule, it will be considered a breach of privilege if he does not invite the Speaker and the whole House to see the fun.

8. There will be only one Speaker; but two or more Members may be elected to the post.

9. Only one Member shall address the House at a time, except when two or more wish to speak at once, in which case they shall not interrupt each other.

10. A Member when addressing the House shall not wear his hat unless he has got it on his head before rising, when he shall remove it on any Member directing the Speaker's attention to the fact.

11. Under no consideration whatever will the consumption of any spirits be permitted in the House. This rule does not apply to whiskey, gin, brandy, and the French liqueurs.

12. As only the most elegant Dublin English will be spoken in the House, no Provincial brogue can be tolerated. To this rule there will be no exception.

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PAT'S TRUE BREAKFAST CHRONOMETER.--"Sure, me stomach in the early morning is as good as a watch to me. I always know when _it wants 'something to ate.'_"

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A BROAD HINT.--_English Traveller (to Irish Railway Porter labelling luggage)._ "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

_Porter._ "Shure, your honour, our tongues is the only insthruments we're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your honour?"

[_Hint taken!_

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IRISH HOUSEKEEPING.--_Bachelor._ "Mary, I should like that piece of bacon I left at dinner yesterday."

_Irish Servant._ "Is it the bit o' bhacon thin? Shure I took it to loight the fhoires!"

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PRESIDENT PAT

(_From the forthcoming History of Parliament_)

One blow and Ireland sprang from the head of her Saxon enslaver a new Minerva! Proudly and solemnly she then sat down to frame a Republic worthy of Plato and Pat. Her first president had been a workhouse porter and a night watchman. He was, therefore, eminently fitted both for civil and military administration. The speech of President Pat on opening Congress develops his policy and his well-digested plans of legislative reform. Here are a few choice quotations:--

The key-stone of Government is the blarney stone.

Political progress may always be accelerated by a bludgeon.

Our institutions must be consolidated by soft soap and whacks.

The people's will is made known by manifesto, and by many fists too.

Every man shall be qualified to sit in Congress that is a 10 lb. pig-holder, provided that the pig and the member sleep under the same roof.

Members of Congress will be remunerated for their public services. Gentlemen wearing gloves only to have the privilege of shaking the president's hand. The unwashed to be paid at the door.

Pipes will not be allowed on the Opposition benches, nor may any member take whiskey until challenged by the president.

Under no circumstances will a member be suffered to sit with his blunderbuss at full-cock, nor pointed at the president's ear.

Our ambassadors will be chosen from our most meritorious postmen, so that they may have no difficulty in reading their letters.

The Foreign Office will be presided over by a patriotic editor who has travelled in New South Wales and is thoroughly conversant with its language.

Instead of bulwarks, the island will be fortified by Irish bulls; our military engineers being of opinion that no other horn-works are so efficient or necessary.

To prevent heart-burnings between landlord and tenant, a Government collector of rents will be appointed, and tenant-right shall include a power to shoot over the land, and at any one on it.--_Punch_, 1865.

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"MASTER'S away from home, sir. Would you please to leave your name?"

"Faix, an' what should I be lavin' me name forr, bedad! when he knows me quite well?"

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RATHER MIXED.--The following is from _The Irish Times_ on "Landslips":--"To feel the solid earth rock beneath his feet, to have his natural foothold on the globe's surface swept, so to speak, out of his grasp, is to the stoutest heart of man terrifying in the extreme."

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FROM IRELAND.--Good name for an auctioneer's wife--Biddy.

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HIBERNIAN ARITHMETIC

Shure multiplication--of chiefs--_is_ vexation, But faix, there is fun in substhraction. Addition will you knit with me as one unit, And unity flabberghasts faction. As for rule o' three!--betther one, and that me! The wise, and the sthrong, and the clever! But till _Oi_'m up top, and all over the shop, I'll cry, "Long division for iver!"

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HOW TO MAKE AN IRISH STORY

Lay your scene principally in Galway, and let your chief characters be the officers of a regiment of Dragoons. Represent them as habitual drunkards, as duellists, and as practical jokers; but take care to exclude from their tricks everything like wit. Introduce as frequently as possible, with the necessary variation only of time, place, and circumstance, a tipsy brawl, with a table oversetting in the midst of it, and a ragamuffin with a great stick in his hand, capering thereon. Do not omit to mention the bottles and glasses that whistle, during this performance, about his ears, nor the chairs and fire-irons which are used by the surrounding combatants; and under the table fail not to place your comic character; for instance, your priest. Upset mail coaches, and make horses run away with their riders continually: and be careful, having bribed some clever artist to prostitute his talents, to have all these intellectually humorous scenes illustrated, in that your readers may fully appreciate the only jokes they are likely to understand. Put "an affair of honour" into about every other chapter; and for the credit and renown of your country, you being an Irishman, exhibit it as conducted with the most insensate levity. Indeed, in furtherance of this object, depict your countrymen in general as a set of irrational, unfeeling, crazy blockheads; only, not having sense enough to be selfish, as lavish and prodigal in the extreme. Never mind your plot, but string adventure upon adventure, without sequence or connexion; just remembering to wind up with a marriage. For example, your hero may shoot some old gentleman through the head--or hat--and run away with his niece, an heiress. Whenever you are at a loss for fun--that is, when you find it impracticable to tumble or knock one another down--throw yourself on your brogue, and introduce--"Arrah! now, honey, be aisy." "Long life to yer honour, sure, and didn't I?" "Is it praties, ye mane?" "Sorrow a bit." "_Musha!_" "_Mavourneen!_" and the like phrases (having the interjectional ones printed in italics, that their point may be the more obvious), which you will find excellent substitutes for wit. Your tale, thus prepared, take it to some publisher, and let him serve it up monthly to the unintelligent portion of the public with puff sauce.

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NEW AIR FOR ORANGE BANDS.--"Down, down, derry, down!"

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WHO were the original bogtrotters? The _Fen_ians.

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HIBERNIAN ORDER.--An Irish correspondent informs us that in Tipperary tumult is the order of the day.

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ADVICE TO IRISH TENANTS.--Instead of taking "just a drain"--"Just take to draining."

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AN IRISH REASON FOR FIXITY OF TENURE.

MR. PUNCH, SIRR,--Why wouldn't you "fix" Irish _tinants_? Sure Irish _landlords_ is in a divil of a fix already.

Your constant reader, RORY O'MORE.

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A DISCLOSURE which can only be made in words certainly "tending to a breach of the peace":--One Irishman disclosing his religion to another.

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A NEW FORM OF D.T.--_The Irish Curate_ (_to the New Vicar_). "That poor man, sir, has always got a skeleton just in front of him that follows him about wherever he goes!"

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FROM the _Cork Constitution_:--"The friends of a respectable young widow want to get her housekeeping in a respectable widower's family; understands her business." There seems a certain want of _finesse_ in this latter statement.

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THE IRISH BULL IN INDIA.--For sale.--Eleven elephants, male and female, priced low to effect speedy sale. Full particulars from Pat Doyle, No. 11, Brooking Street, Rangoon. _Note._--Four of the above have been sold.--(From the _Rangoon Gazette_.)

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CONFUSION OF IDEAS.--The man who said that he was so particular about his bacon that he never ventured on a rasher without first seeing the pig which had supplied it, must have been an Irishman.

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THE WAX-CHANDLERS' PARADISE.--Wicklow county.

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"NOT KILT, BUT SPACHELESS"--At Clonakilty Sessions the other day, the following evidence was given:--

"Patrick Feen was examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... Gave defendant's brother a blow of his open hand and knocked him down for fun, and out of friendship. (_Laughter._)"

What a good-natured, open-handed friend Mr. Patrick Feen must be! John Hegarty, the person assaulted, corroborated the account, and added--

"When he was knocked down, he stopped there. (_Laughter._)"

In fact, he "held the field," and "remained in possession of the ground." Who will now say that the old humour is dying out in Erin?

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A CONSTANT DROPPING.--_Father Sullivan (watching Murphy of the Blazers, who has again come to grief at a wall)._ Bedad, he'll soon have quarried a gap in ivery wall in Galway. He goes no faster than Donovan's hearse, and he falls over ivery obsthacle he encounthers.

_Father O'Grady._ Faith, ye're right there. Murphy cavat lapidem non vi sed saypy cadendo!

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MINERALOGICAL DISCOVERY BY AN IRISHMAN.--How to turn brass into gold:--"Marry an heiress."

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ALL BLACKS ALL FORLORN.--_Irishman (on hearing of the high prices offered for tickets for a big football match)._ Sure, thin, everybody 'll be after sellin' their tickets and it's nobody there at all there 'll be!

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EXTRACTS FROM THE IRISH HUE AND CRY

Tony Gowan is advertised of having lost "a pig with a very long tail, and a black spot on the tip of its snout that curls up behind."

A cow is described as "very difficult to milk, and of no use to anyone but the owner, with one horn much longer than the other."

John Hawkins is alluded to as having "a pair of quick grey eyes, with little or no whiskers, and a Roman nose, that has a great difficulty in looking any one in the face."

Betsy Waterton is accused of having "absconded with a chest of drawers and a cock and hen, and has red hair and a broken tooth, none of which are her own."

The manager of the savings' bank at Dunferry, near Goofowran, is spoken of in these terms: "He had on, when last seen, a pair of corduroy trousers with a tremendous squint rather the worse for wear, besides an affected lisp, which he endeavours to conceal with a pair of gold spectacles."

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A burglar has his portrait taken in the following manner:--"He has little or no hair, but black eyes on a turned-up nose, which is dyed black to conceal its greyness."

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"THIS BOLDNESS BRINGS RELIEF."--_Massinger. Irish "Boy" (to benevolent Old Gentleman)._ "Maybe yer honour'll give a poor boy something. Sure, it's a dissolute orphin, and deaf and dumb, I am!"

_Absent-minded Old Gentleman (putting his hand in his pocket)._ "Poor fellow!"

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A DUBLIN grocer advertises his butter thus:

Best Danish 1_s._ 2_d._ Best Creamery 1_s._ 3_d._ No Better 1_s._ 4_d._

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MORE "REVENGE FOR THE UNION."--_Saxon Tourist (at Irish Railway Station)._ "What time does the half-past eleven train start, Paddy?"

_Porter._ "At thrutty minutes to twilve--sharrup, sor!"

[_Tourist retires up, discomfited._

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"LUCUS A NON," &c.--_Visitor._ "How long has your master been away?"

_Irish Footman._ "Well, sorr, if he'd come home yistherday, he'd a' been gone a wake to-morrow but ev he doesn't return the day afther, shure he'll a' been away a fortnight next Thorsday"!!

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_Zoological Specialist (gazing at solitary sea-lion in the Dublin Zoo)._ Where's his mate?