Chapter 16

Yet even January had its alleviations in the return of the banana, the prospect of unlimited lard, a distinct improvement in the manners of the retail tradesman, the typographical fireworks of the _Times_ in honour of President Wilson, and the retreat of Lord Northcliffe to the sunny south. Lovers of sensation were conciliated by the appointment of "F.E." to the Lord Chancellorship, the outbreak of Jazz, and the discovery of a French author that the plays usually attributed to Shakespeare were written by Lord Derby, though not apparently the present holder of the title. The loss, through rejection or withdrawal, of so many of his old Parliamentary puppets was a serious blow to Mr. Punch, but the old Liberals, buried like the Babes in the Wood beneath a shower of Coalition coupons, already showed a sanguine spirit, and the departure of the freaks could be contemplated with resignation. The great Exodus to Paris began in December, but it reached its height in January. The mystery of the Foreign Office official who had _not_ gone was cleared up by the discovery that he was the caretaker, a pivotal man who could not be demobilised. Another exodus of a less desirable sort was that of the Sinn Fein prisoners, which gave rise to the rumour that the Lord Lieutenant had threatened that if they destroyed any more jails they would be rigorously released. Sinn Fein, which refused to fight Germany, had already begun to play at a new sort of war. Australia was preparing to welcome the homing transports sped with messages of Godspeed from the Motherland:

Rich reward your hearts shall hold, None less dear if long delayed, For with gifts of wattle-gold Shall your country's debt be paid; From her sunlight's golden store She shall heal your hurts of war.

Ere the mantling Channel's mist Dim your distant decks and spars, And your flag that victory kissed And Valhalla hung with stars-- Crowd and watch our signal fly: "Gallant hearts, good-bye! _Good-bye!"_

February, a month of comparative anti-climax, witnessed the reassembling of Parliament, fuller than ever of members if not of wisdom. As none of the Sinn Feiners were present, nor indeed any representative of Irish Nationalism, the proceedings were as orderly as a Quaker's funeral, save for the arrival of one member on a motor-scooter. Perhaps the most interesting information elicited during the debates was this--that every question put down costs the tax-payer a guinea. On February 20th there were 282 on the Order Paper, and Mr. Punch was moved to wonder whether this cascade of curiosity might be abated if every questionist were obliged to contribute half the cost, the amount to be deducted from his official salary. The Speaker, the greatest of living Parliamentarians, was re-elected by acclamation. Though human and humorous, he has grown into something almost more like an institution than a man, like Big Ben, that great patriot and public servant who never struck during the war. The best news in February was that of M. Clemenceau's escape, though wounded, from the Anarchist assassin who had attempted to translate Trotsky's threat into action. But it did not help on the proposed Conference with the Russians at Prinkipo or encourage the prospect of any tangible results from the deliberation of the Prinkipotentiaries. The plain man could see no third choice beyond supporting Bolshevism or anti-Bolshevism. But according to our Prime Minister, we were committed to a compromise. The Allies were not prepared to intervene in force, and they could not leave Russia to stew in her own hell-broth. Meanwhile the chief criminal, Germany, had begun to utter _ad misericordiam_ appeals for the relaxation of the Armistice terms on the score of their cruelty; and Count Brockdorff-Rantzau gave us a foretaste of his quality by declaring that "Germany cannot be treated as a second-rate nation."

At home, though the rays of "sweet unrationed revelry" were still to come, and _Dulce Domum_ could not yet be sung in every sense, February brought us some relief in the demobilisation of the pivotal pig. And the decision to hold a National Industrial Conference was of encouraging augury for the settlement of industrial strife on the basis of a full inquiry and frank statement of facts. In other walks of life reticence still has its charms, and even in February people had begun to ask who the General was who had threatened not to write a book about the War.

March, the mad month, remained true to type. Even Mr. Punch found it hard to preserve his equanimity:

O Month, before your final moon is set Much may have happened--anything, in fact; More than in any March that I have met, (Last year excepted) fearful nerves are racked; Anarchy does with Russia what it likes; Paris is put conundrums very knotty; And here in England, with its talk of strikes, Men, like your own March hares, seem going dotty.

Abroad the ex-Kaiser was very busy sawing trees, possibly owing to an hallucination that they were German Generals.

At home the Government decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners as had not already saved them the trouble, and a Coal Industry Commission was appointed on which no representative of the general public was invited to sit--that is to say, the patient, much enduring consumer, not the public which has all along sought to discount peace by premature whooping, jubilating, and Jazzing. For the Dove of Peace, though in strict training, seemed in danger of collapsing under the weight of the League of Nations' olive bough, to say nothing of other perils, notably the Bolshy-bird, a most obscene brand of vulture.

Mr. Wilson was once more on the Atlantic, and Mr. Lloyd George, distracted between his duties in Paris and the demands of Labour, recalled Sir Boyle Roche's bird, or the circus performer riding two horses at once. In Parliament the interpretation of election pledges occupied a good deal of time, and Mr. Bonar Law twice declared the policy of the Government in regard to indemnities as being to demand the largest amount that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't pay. It would have saved him a great deal of trouble if at the General Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second half of the policy as they did on the first. Earnest appeals for economy were made from the Treasury Bench on the occasion of the debate on the Civil Service Estimates, now swollen to five times their pre-war magnitude, and were heartily applauded by the House. To show how thoroughly they had gone home, Mr. Adamson, the Labour Leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members of Parliament.

On the Rhine the efforts of our army of occupation to present the stern and forbidding air supposed to mark our dealings with the inhabitants were proving a lamentable failure. You can't produce a really good imitation of a Hun without lots of practice. Gloating is entirely foreign to the nature of Thomas Atkins, and he could not pass a child yelling in the gutter without stooping to comfort it. At home his education was proceeding on different lines. The period of reaction had set in, and unwonted exertions were necessary to stimulate his interest. Such artless devices were, however, preferable to the pastime, already fashionable in more exalted circles, of kicking a total stranger round the room to the accompaniment of cymbals, a motor siren, and a frying pan.

After a month of madness it was not to be wondered at that we should have a month of muzzling, though the enforcement of the order might have been profitably extended from dogs to journalists. The secrecy maintained by the Big Four--a phrase invented by America--the conflict of the idealists with the realists, and the temporary break-away of the Italian wrestler, Orlando, were bound to excite comment. But a shattered world could not be rebuilt in a day, with Bolshevist wolves prowling about the Temple of Peace, and the Dove at sea between the Ark and Archangel. The Covenant of the League of Nations, though in a diluted form, had at last taken shape, the Peace Machine had got a move on, and the Premier's spirited, if not very dignified, retaliation on the newspaper snipers led to an abatement of unnecessary hostilities, though the pastime of shooting policemen with comparative impunity still flourished in Ireland, and the numbers and cost of our "army of inoccupation" still continued to increase. Innumerable queries were made in Parliament on the subject of the unemployment dole, but the announcement that the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet" for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy passed without comment. The Grand Fleet is now a part of the History that it did so much to make.

May and June were "hectic" months, in which the reaction from the fatigues and restraints of War found vent in an increased disinclination for work, encouraged by a tropical sun. These were the months of the resumption of cricket, the Victory Derby, the flood of honours, and the flying of the Atlantic, with a greater display of popular enthusiasm over the gallant airmen who failed in that feat than over the generals who had won the War. They were also the months of the duel between Mr. Smillie and the Dukes, the discovery of oil in Derbyshire, the privileged excursion into War polemics of Lord French, unrest in Egypt, renewed trouble with the police, and a shortage of beer, boots and clothes.

But though the Big Four had been temporarily reduced to a Big Three by Italy's withdrawal, and though M. Clemenceau, Mr. Lloyd George, and President Wilson had all suffered in prestige by the slow progress of the negotiations, Versailles, with the advent of the German delegates, more than ever riveted the gaze of an expectant world. To sign or not to sign, or, in the words of Wilhelm Shakespeare, _Sein oder nicht sein: hier ist die Frage_--that was the problem which from the moment of his famous opening speech Count Brockdorff-Rantzau was up against. But, as the days wore on, in spite of official impenitence and the double breach of the Armistice terms by the scuttling of the German war-ships at Scapa and the burning of the French flags at Berlin, the force of "fierce reluctant truculent delay" was spent against the steadily growing volume of national acquiescence, culminating in the decision of the Weimar Assembly, the tardy choice of new delegates, and the final scene in the Hall of Mirrors, haunted by the ghosts of 1871.

Writing at the moment of the Signature of Peace and in deep thankfulness for the relief it brings to a stricken world, Mr. Punch is too old to jazz for joy, but he is young enough to face the future with a reasoned optimism, born of a belief in his race and their heroic achievements in these great and terrible years. Victory took us by surprise; and we were less prepared for Peace at that moment than we had ever been for War. And just as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running after the cry "Business as usual," so to-day we are making as bad a mistake when we run after "Pleasure as usual"--or rather more than usual. But we soon revised that early error, and we shall not waste much time about revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still lack it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, of commonsense. And when commonsense is found in natures that are honest and hearts that are clean, it may make mistakes, but not for long. No, the spirit which won the War is not going to fail us at this second call. Perhaps we have only been waiting for the actual coming of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task.

But let us never forget the debt, unpaid and unpayable, to our immortal dead and to the valiant survivors of the great conflict, to whom we owe freedom and security and the possibility of a better and cleaner world.

INDEX

"According to plan," Admirals, retired, accept commissions in R.N.R. Admiralty and Zeebrugge despatches Africa, German South-West, Botha makes clean sweep in After one Year Airmen, Allied Bombard Karlsruhe German, increased activity of Air Raids Daylight, extend to London Public to be warned Aisne, Battle of Alarming spread of bobbing Albert, King of Belgium Tribute to Victorious on Flanders coast Allenby, General Advances steadily Captures Damascus Enters Jerusalem Allied Council, new, formed Allotment workers Alsace-Lorraine reunited to France Also Ran America Enters War War of Notes American, an, interviews German Crown Prince American Troops Enter firing line First land in France Ammunition expended round Neuve Chapelle Amundsen, Roald, prepares for trip to North Pole Ancre, British push extends to Anglia, East, air-raids in Antwerp, Fall of Anzac, British heroism at Armenia, martyrdom of Armentières, Germans break through at Armistice Big Ben breaks silence How England took news of Signed Women ring church bells Armistice Day Army Signalling Alphabet Asquith, Mr. Ceases to be Prime Minister Discusses new Votes of Credit Goes to Ireland Promises to purge Peerage of Enemy Dukes Recants hostility to Women's suffrage Rejected at General Election Athens, riot in "Au Revoir!" Australians, valour of Austria Defeated by Serbia Defeated on Italian front Gives in Issues Peace Note Sues for Peace Threatens Roumania Austrians driven from Belgrade

Bad Dream, A Baghdad, taken by British Balfour, Mr. Appointed First Lord Returns from U.S.A. Balkans, irrelevant news from Banana, return of the Bapaume Germans take Recaptured by Allies Beatty, Admiral, German Fleet surrenders to Belgium Opposes German invasion Resurrection of Belgrade occupied by enemy Bennett, Mr. Arnold, appointed Director of Propaganda Berlin Bombed French flags burnt at Revolution breaks out Strikes in, suppressed Bernstorff, Count Mendacity of Promotes strikes in U.S.A. Best Smell of All, the Bethmann-Hollweg dismissed, Betrayed, Big Four's secrecy, Big Push, The, Billing, Mr. Pemberton Elected for Mid-Herts, Offers to raid enemy aircraft bases. Suspended from House of Commons, Birdwood, General, Birrell, Mr., apologia of, Bismarck, Prince, Bissing, Baron von, Reported dead, Retires from Belgium, Bloaters, unprecedented price of, _Blücher_, the, sunk by British, Blume, General von, depreciates American intervention, Boat-race, Oxford and Cambridge, suspended, Bobbing, Alarming spread of, Bordeaux, Paris Government removed to, Botha, General Enters War, Makes clean sweep in S.W. Africa, Bottomley, Mr. Horatio, visits France, Bravo, Belgium, Brazil enters War, Bread, curtailment of, Brest-Litovsk Conference, Taken by enemy, Treaty signed, British Expeditionary Force Lands in France, Brockdorff-Rantzau, Count, Bruges reoccupied by Allies, Brusiloff, General Opens new Russian offensive, Successful against Austrians, Brussels Fall of, Murder of Edith Cavell at, Buckmaster, Lord, appointed Lord Chancellor, Bukarest, fall of, Bulgaria surrenders, Bulgarians smashed by Allies, Bull-dog Breed, the, Bungalows, Government, increase of, Burns, Mr. John, re-emerges, Byng, General, Victory at Cambrai, Byron, Lord, and Greece, By special request,

Cabinet pool salaries, Cadet battalions housed in colleges, Caligny, Americans at, Callousness of smart people, Cambrai Byng's victory at, Recaptured by Allies, Cambridge, Cadet battalions at, Camouflage, new art of, Caporetto, enemy break through at, "Captain of Koepenick" reported dead, Carson, Sir Edward Pays tribute to Major Redmond, Resigns Office, Casement, Sir Roger, and German Kaiser, Castlenau, General, Casualties, British, Cavell, Edith Murder of, Names of her principal assassins, Cecil, Lord Robert, appointed Minister of Blockade, Celestial Dud, the, Censorship and War Correspondents, Challenge, the, Chamberlain, Mr. Austen, resigns office, Champagne, French offensive at, Chemin des Dames, Germans capture, Children of Consolation, Children's Peace, China, food prices in, Christmas Musings, Punch's, Truce and fraternisation, Church bells requisitioned, Churchill, Mr. Winston Appointed Minister of Munitions, Dardanelles expedition, Paints landscapes, Rejoins his regiment, Resigns Duchy of Lancaster, Retires to Duchy of Lancaster, Civilian, the, and the War Office, Civil Service Estimates, Clemenceau, M. Attempted assassination of, Tribute to, Clyde, labour troubles on the, Coal Commission appointed, Coalition Government Formed, Leaders' pledges, Coalitionists triumph at General Election, Coat that didn't come off, the, Cologne, Archbishop of, and the Kaiser, Combles taken by Allies, Coming Army, the, Commission To inquire into Dardanelles expedition, To inquire into Mesopotamian expedition, "Complete accord," Compulsory rationing a fact, Comrades in Victory, Conscientious Objectors in Non-combatant Corps, Constables, special, guard King's highway, Constantine, King of Greece Abdicates, Contemplates abdication, Forms Cabinet of Professors, Mr. Asquith's appeal to, To receive £20,000 a year, Treated tenderly, Contemptibles, the old, Corn Production Bill, Coronel avenged, Correspondents, Mr. Punch's, Cradock, Admiral, Crank, Whip's definition of a, Craonne taken by French, "Credibility index," Crown Prince, German American interviews, Common brigand, a, Has misgivings, In exile, Cuba declares war on Austria, Cuffley, Zeppelin brought down at,

_Daily Mail_, candour of, _Daily News_ and _Punch_, _Daily Telegraph_, Lord Lansdowne's letter to, Damascus captured by Allies, Dance of Death, the, Danube, Serbians reach the, Dardanelles Commission, Dawn of Doubt, the, Daylight Saving, Bill passed, Death Lord, the, Debeney, General, Praises Americans, Defence of the Realm Act, (De)merit, the reward of, Demobilisation commences, Derby, Lord Director of Recruiting, Minister of War, Dernburg, Dr., his picture of German innocents, _Deutschland_, German submarine, exploits of, Devonport, Lord Appointed Food Controller, Approves new dietary for prisoners, Retires as Food Controller, Diary-- 1914, August, September, October, November, December, 1915, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1916, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1917, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, 1918, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, Die Nacht am Rhein, Dogger Bank, German reverse off, Domestic servant's philosophy, Dominions, loyalty of, Douai regained by Allies, Drake's Way, Drocourt-Quéant switchline breached by Allies, Dud, the, Duke, Mr., retires from Irish Chief Secretaryship, Dumba, Dr., promotes strikes in U.S.A., Dunraven, Lord, excuses Irishmen, Dynastic Amenities,

Easter offering, the, Economy, appeals for, Editor of the _Vorwärts_ arrested, Education Bill Second reading of, Lord Haldane lectures on, Ekaterinburg, Ex-Tsar and family murdered at, _Emden_ sunk by the _Sydney_, Emmas, the two, Empire, indispensable in winning War, End of a perfect "Tag," England Tribute to, by _New York Life_, War could not have been won without, Enver Pasha goes to Medina, Epilogue, Erzerum falls to Russians, Euphemists, Excursionist, the, Exile, the Irish,

"F.E." appointed Lord Chancellor, _Falaba_, the, sunk by German submarine, Falkland Islands, Battle of, Farmer and Farm Labourer, Far-reaching effect of the Russian Push, the, Ferdinand, King of Bulgaria Abdicates, Declares war on Serbia, Goes to Vienna, Inscrutability of, Fidgety Wilhelm, the story of, Fifth British Army, Germans break through, Final, the, Fisher, Lord, will not give explanations, Fisher, Mr., eulogised, Flag days, Flanders coast evacuated by Germans, Fleet, German, surrenders, Flight that failed, Flying of the Atlantic, Foch, General Appointed Generalissimo of Allied Forces, Arranges Armistice, Made a G.C.B., Receives German envoys, Tribute to, Food at the Front, Control, public for, Production, urgency for increased, Question discussed in Parliament, Question in Germany, Restriction, Stocks increasing, Ford, Mr. Henry Offers his works to American authorities, Visits Europe, For Neutrals--For Natives, Fort Douaumont falls, Fourth of July celebrated in France, France, destruction and desolation of, France's Day, Franchet d'Esperey, General, Francis Joseph, Emperor, dies, French, General Appointed Viceroy of Ireland, His "contemptible little army," Relinquishes his command, Responsible for Home Defence against enemy aircraft, Fryatt, Captain, murder of, Funchal, U-boats busy at,