SCENE I.--_The parlour of CHARLES MARLOW'S house. He and KATE are

sitting on opposite sides of the fire. Silence reigns, and CHARLES fidgets nervously._

KATE.

[_Anticipating a remark subsequently made by PAULA TANQUERAY._] Six minutes!

CHARLES.

[_Finding his tongue with an effort._] Er--eh?

KATE.

Exactly six minutes, dear, since you made your last remark.

CHARLES.

[_Laughing uneasily and blushing._] Um--ah!--ha! ha.

KATE.

Well? What are you going to say next? It's really time you made an observation of some kind, you know.

CHARLES.

[_Helplessly._] Um--er--I've nothing to say.

KATE.

[_Rallying him._] Come, make an effort.

CHARLES.

[_In desperation._] It's--er--a fine day.

KATE.

[_Genially._] Considering that it's raining steadily, dear, and has been for the past half-hour, I hardly think that can be considered a fortunate opening.

CHARLES.

[_Covered with confusion._] Confound it! so it is. Forgive me--er--my dear, I didn't know what I was saying.

KATE.

You very seldom do, dear--to me.

CHARLES.

What a fool you must think me!

KATE.

[_Touched by his evident sincerity._] Never mind. It's a shame to laugh at you. But you _are_ rather absurd, you know. [_She goes over and kisses him. He accepts the caress with gratitude, but blushes painfully._]

CHARLES.

I know, my love. But I've always been shy like that. It's an idiosyncrasy.

KATE.

Not idiosyncrasy, dear. Idiocy. The words are so much alike.

CHARLES.

[_Hurt._] Ah, now you're laughing at me!

KATE.

Of course I am, goose. [_Argumentatively._] You see, dear, as long as you were a bachelor it was all very well to be bashful. But now that we are married, I really think you ought to fight against it!

CHARLES.

Fight against it! I fight against it every hour of the day. Every morning I say to myself, "I really must get over this ridiculous shyness. I must try and show Kate how much I--er--love her."

KATE.

You are curiously unsuccessful, dear.

CHARLES.

[_Miserably._] I feel that. But it's not for lack of trying. [_Desperately._] Do you suppose, Kate, that anything but the strongest effort of will keeps me sitting in this chair at this moment? Do I ever, save under compulsion, remain in the same room with _any_ lady for more than five minutes? Why, my dear girl, if I didn't love you to distraction, I shouldn't remain here an instant!

KATE.

You certainly have a curious method of displaying an ardent attachment.

CHARLES.

Yes. It's most unfortunate. But I warned you, dear, didn't I? I told you all about my absurd bashfulness before we became engaged. You knew that the presence of ladies invariably reduced me to speechlessness before you accepted me.

KATE.

[_Sweetly._] Not _invariably_, my love. What about your prowess with Mrs. Mantrap and Lady Betty Blackleg that you told me about? [_CHARLES blushes crimson._] Didn't they call you "their agreeable Rattle" at the Ladies' Club in Town?

CHARLES.

I--er--get on well enough with--um--er disreputable ladies. But you--er--aren't disreputable.

KATE.

You are too modest, dear. Some of your conquests are _quite_ respectable. Didn't I come upon you in the act of kissing Anne, the housemaid, yesterday? And no one can pretend that _my_ housemaids are disreputable!

CHARLES.

[_Sighing._] Yes. I'm not shy with housemaids.

KATE.

So I noticed. I sent Anne away this morning.

CHARLES.

[_With real concern._] Not Anne!

KATE.

Yes. And Sarah too. I thought I detected in you a lurking _penchant_ for Sarah.

CHARLES.

[_Simply._] Yes, I liked Sarah.

KATE.

So now we haven't a single maid in the house. It's really very inconvenient.

CHARLES.

You must get others.

KATE.

For you to make eyes at? Certainly not. By the way, is there _any_ type of female domestic servant whom you do not find irresistibly attractive? Dark ones? Fair ones? Young ones? Old ones? Tall ones? Short ones? [_He shakes his head at each question._] Not one?

CHARLES.

I'm afraid not.

KATE.

[_With decision._] Then I must do the house-work myself.

CHARLES.

[_Delighted._] Charming! My dear Kate, how delightful! Put on a cap and apron and take a broom in your hand, and my bashfulness will vanish at once. I know it will.

KATE.

It seems the only course open to us, especially as there's no one else to sweep the rooms. But I wish you were not so unfortunately constituted.

CHARLES.

[_Heartily._] So do I. But, after all, we must accept facts and make the best of them. You stooped to conquer, you know. You must go on stooping. Go and put on an apron at once.