Part 1

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

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MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS

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MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS

THE HUMOURS OF CRICKET, FOOTBALL, TENNIS, POLO, CROQUET, HOCKEY, RACING, &c.

AS PICTURED BY

LINLEY SAMBOURNE, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, F. H. TOWNSEND, E. T. REED, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, FRANK REYNOLDS, LEWIS BAUMER, GUNNING KING, G. D. ARMOUR, ARTHUR HOPKINS, EVERARD HOPKINS, J. A. SHEPHERD, AND OTHERS.

_WITH 225 ILLUSTRATIONS_

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

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The Punch Library of Humour

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

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Mr. Punch is nothing if not typical of his fellow countrymen in his interest in sport. If there be any truth in the assertion that Englishmen are neglecting the more serious affairs of life in their devotion to all forms of athletic sports, Mr. Punch would seem to be determined that there shall be no lack of humour in the process; for an immense proportion of his merry pages have been occupied with the humour of sport.

Indeed, there is no kind of open-air pastime which has escaped the kindly attention of our national humorist, and the fact that he never tires of poking good-natured fun at these hobbies of his countrymen, making merry over their misadventures, indicates in some degree that, whatever our social critics may think of the national taste for outdoor games, these must have a humanising influence and make for manliness, when their devotees can thus with good grace look upon themselves in Mr. Punch's mirror, and join in the laughter at their own expense.

But it must not be assumed that Mr. Punch's attitude is one of satirical criticism; on the contrary, his sympathies are with every form of sportsmanship, and it is chiefly because his jovial knights of the pencil delight to illustrate the mishaps incidental to all games that we are entitled to look upon him as a great patron of our sports. And is not he always ready to pillory the cad and the incompetent as further proof of the soundness of his heart?

Certain volumes of this library are devoted entirely to one or other of our popular pastimes, determined mainly on their varying richness in humour, but in this "Book of Sports" we have brought together a carefully chosen selection of Mr. Punch's wittiest sayings on a variety of games and pastimes. Cricket might of itself have furnished forth a volume, Football, and Racing also; but we have sought after variety rather than repletion, and to this end even the passing craze for Ping-pong has not been ignored, as it is not the least of the merits of the Punch Library of Humour that within these volumes is enshrined a comic chronicle of the passing time.

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MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS

THE BRITISH "SPHERE OF INFLUENCE."--The cricket ball.

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CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven of Notts."

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NOMENCLATURE.--The professional cricketer who makes a "duck's egg" ought surely to be dubbed a "quack."

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A MODEL CRICKET MATCH.--One that begins with a "draw," but does not end with one.

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EPITAPH ON A CRICKETER.--"Over!"

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A CRICKETING PARADOX.--Any eleven can make a score.

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LORD'S!

There's a glorious sanctum of cricket, Away in the Wood of St. John; No spot in creation can lick it For the game at which Grace is the "don." Though Melbourne may claim a "Medina," The "Mecca" of cricket must be In the beautiful classic arena, The home of the "old" M. C. C.

Home, sweet home of the M. C. C., Ever my fancy is turning to thee! Up with King Willow and down with the dumps Hark to the rattle of leather and stumps. Oh, what a rapturous thrill it affords! Give yourself up to the magic of "Lord's."

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SCORING FOR DR. GRACE.--"A running commentary."

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ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.--The umpire's part.

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THE IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER AGAIN (ON BAIL.)--

_Q._ Where ought ducks' eggs to be most readily found? _A._ At the Oval.

[_Bail estreated._

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ALL THE YEAR ROUND;

_Or, Keeping Up the Ball._

When September soaks the fields, And the leaves begin to fall, Cricket unto football yields,-- That is all!

Yes--in hot or humid weather, At all seasons of the year, Life is little without leather In a sphere.

In the scrimmage, at the stumps, 'Neath the goal, behind the sticks, Life's a ball, which Summer thumps, Winter kicks.

Our "terrestrial ball" is round, (Is it an idea chimerical?) Man, by hidden instincts bound, Loves the spherical.

In rotund, elastic bounders, Plainly the great joy of men is, Witness cricket, billiards, rounders, And lawn-tennis.

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CLASSIC TITLE FOR DR. GRACE.--"The Centurion."

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TOAST FOR TAVERN LANDLORDS.--The Cricketer, who always runs up a score by his innings.

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APPROPRIATE CRICKET GROUND.--Battersy-Park.

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THINGS TO WHICH CRICKETING MEMBERS OF THE ANTI-GAMBLING LEAGUE ARE ADDICTED.--"Pitch" and "Toss."

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DR. W. G. GRACE'S FAVOURITE DISH.--"Batter pudding."

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AT THE ETON AND HARROW MATCH.--_Simperton._ What, you in light blue, Miss Gloriosa! I thought you were Harrovian to the core!

_Miss Gloriosa._ So I am, but I'm also Cambridge, and as I can't possibly afford two new dresses in one week, I decided to choose the most becoming colour!

[_And_ SIMPERTON _of the dark blue was quite satisfied with the explanation_.

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"FOLLOW ON!"

(_A Cricketer's_ "_Catch_" AIR--"_Come Follow_!")

_First Voice._ Come follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow on!

_Second Voice._ Why then should I follow, follow, follow, why then must I follow, follow on?

_Third Voice._ When you're eighty runs or more behind our score you follow on!

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CRICKETER'S FAVOURITE FISH.--Slips.

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THE COUP DE GRACE.--Leg hit for six.

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RIDDLE MADE "ON THE GROUND."--Why are cricket matches like the backs of cheap chairs? Because they're "fixed to come off".

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SEASONABLE FIELD SPORT.--Leather-hunting.

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WET-WILLOW

A SONG OF A SLOPPY SEASON.

(_By a Washed-out Willow-Wielder._)

AIR--"_Titwillow._"

In the dull, damp pavilion a popular "Bat" Sang "Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" And I said "Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at, Singing 'Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow'? Is it lowness of average, batsman," I cried; "Or a bad 'brace of ducks' that has lowered your pride?" With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied, "Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!"

He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow, Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! The people are raising a deuce of a row, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! I've been waiting all day in these flannels--they're damp!-- The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp, But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!"

"Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name Isn't willow, wet-willow, wet-willow, The people will swear that I don't play the game, Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! My spirits are low and my scores are not high, But day after day, we've soaked turf and grey sky, And I sha'n't have a chance till the wickets get dry. Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!"

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CRICKET PROSPECTS

(_From Dumb-Crambo Junior's point of view._)

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THE LADIES AT LORD'S

OLD STYLE--EARLY SIXTIES.

SCENE--_The Ground and its Accessories._

_Superior Creature._ Really very pleasant.

_Weaker Sex._ Oh! charming. So delightful having luncheon _al fresco_. The lobster salad was capital.

_S. C._ Very good. And the champagne really drinkable.

_W. S._ And our chat has been so interesting, Captain SMORLTORK.

_S. C._ So pleased. And now, what do you think of the cricket?

_W. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think of the cricket.

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NEW STYLE--LATE NINETIES.

SCENE--_The Same._

_Mere Man._ Really rather nice.

_Stronger Sex._ Quite nice. Capital game, too. Up to county form. That last over was perfect bowling.

_M. M._ Yes; and the batting was well above the average.

_S. S._ Tol-lish. And really, when I come to think of it, Mr. SMORLTORK-GOSSIP, you have been also entertaining.

_M. M._ Proud and honoured! And now, what do you think about the luncheon?

_S. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think about the luncheon.

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A MATCH MISCALLED.--Considering the style and number of the turn-outs on the ground, and the amount of champagne-cups consumed at Lord's during the Great Public School Cricket Encounter, suppose it were re-christened the _Drag_ and _Drinking_, instead of the _Harrow_ and _Eton_, Match?

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AT THE VILLAGE CRICKET MATCH.--_Umpire_ (_carried away by enthusiasm on seeing the young Squire send a ball hard to leg_). Well hit, Master Arthur, well hit! (_Remembering himself._) But don't make no short runs!

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CRICKET AT LORD'S

(_Hits by Dumb-Crambo, Jun._)

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BAIT APPRECIATED BY BOTH CRICKETERS AND FISHERMEN.--Lobs.

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A TIE.--("_Ladies v. Gentlemen._") The Ladies came out as they had gone in, all "Ducks."

And what did the Gentlemen make?--Love.

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THE LADY CRICKETER

(_Directions for attaining Perfection._)

Get up a match by saying to some local subaltern that it would be such fun to have a game, and you know a girl who could give points to Grace.

Agree with the youthful warrior that the fun would be increased by allowing the men to play with broom-sticks, and left-handed, and the girls, of course, with bats, and unrestricted.

Arrange your eleven in such a fashion that you come out as captain in the most picturesque costume.

Be careful to "kill" your colleagues' appearance by an artful combination of discordant hues.

Carry out the above scheme with the assistance of a joint committee consisting of two, yourself and the local subaltern.

Arrange, at the last moment, that the men shall only send out six of their team to field.

Manage to put yourself in first, and play with confidence the initial ball.

Amidst the applause of the six fielders you will be clean bowled.

Retire gracefully, and devote the rest of the afternoon to tea and mild flirtation with the five men who have been weeded out.

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CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY.

WHEN a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more, Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score."

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CRICKET CATCHES

(_By D. Crambo, Junior._)

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FAIR CRICKETERS

["The growing favour with which athletic exercises are being regarded by those who are still 'the gentler sex,' is evidenced by the rapid adoption of cricket into the roll of those games which may be practised by ladies without the sober world being shocked. In the course of the past Summer there have been several matches."--_Standard._]

You may play the game of Cricket, like the men well known to fame, And be good "all round," like some folks at that fascinating game; You may bowl like Mr. Spofforth at the Demon's deadly pace, You may lead a team like Harris, and may bat like Doctor Grace; But in vain your skill and prowess--can you dare to win the day, Although hope may spring eternal, when the Ladies come to play?

They have conquered us at Croquet, though philosophers might scoff, And the masculine intelligence was beaten by "two off." As a vehicle for flirting we acknowledged all its charms, And gay soldiers fell before it, although used to war's alarms; But they held me-thinks their cricket-bats as doughty as their swords, And they never dreamt of Ladies at the Oval or at Lord's.

Then we turned to Roller-skating, how the God of Love must wink As he ponders o'er the havoc wrought on many a pleasant rink; There the Ladies, as their wont is, held indubitable sway, As they circled like the seagull in as fair and facile way; And we yielded, though at Prince's woman held all hearts in thrall, For we thought of our one Empire, that of Cricket--bat and ball.

Comes the era of Lawn Tennis, when the balls spin o'er the net, What avail the "Renshaw smashes" when the Ladies win the "sett," And the boldest of all volleys will be found of little use When the women gain "advantage," their opponents at the "deuce." So we leave the lawn to Ladies, it were graceful there to yield; But we thought that still at Cricket we were masters of the field.

Vain the hope, for lo! the Ladies give poor Men no hour of peace. Can we dare to "pop the question" when they front the "popping-crease"? Though with "leg before the wicket" your short innings may be o'er, Will the umpire be as truthful when it's "petticoat before"? So lay down "the willow," batsmen, and, oh, bowler, leave the wicket, Ye must yield once more to Woman, for the Ladies now play Cricket!

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AT THE 'VARSITY CRICKET MATCH.--_Newcomer_ (_to Gent in front_). If you would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg's cap.

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PUDDING IT PLAINLY.--Why is a promising cricketer like flour and eggs?

Because he's calculated to make a good batter.

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The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket-bat.

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THE REAL "TRIPLE ALLIANCE."--A three-figure innings at cricket.

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THE USEFUL CRICKETER

(_A Candid Veteran's Confession._)

I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- I seldom, indeed, make a run; But I'm rather the gainer by that, For it's bad to work hard in the sun.

As a "field" I am not worth a jot, And no one expects me to be; My run is an adipose trot, My "chances" I never can see.

I am never invited to bowl, And though, p'r'aps, this seems like a slight, In the depths of my innermost soul I've a notion the Captain is right.

In short, I may freely admit I am not what you'd call a great catch But yet my initials are writ In the book against every match!

For although--ay, and there is the rub-- I am forty and running to fat, I have made it all right with the Club, By presenting an Average Bat!

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ANOTHER TITLE!! SUPPLEMENTAL GAZETTE OF BIRTHDAY HONOURS.--Dr. W. G. Grace to be Cricket-Field-Marshal.

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"LE CRICQUETTE"

_How he will be played--shortly._

_Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris._

MONSIEUR,

I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous dignitaries the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your great Public Seminaries, and the Principal of your renowned Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have given me concerning "Le Criquette," your unique National game, and I thank you in the name of my Committee for your present of implements--_les wickettes_, _le boule de canon_, _les gros bois_ (the batsman's weapons), _le cuirasse pour les jambes de Longstoppe_, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian "_onze_," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the rising generation of our young France.

A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in forwarding it to you. Meantime, I must say that the substitution of a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the deadly "_boule de canon_" as used by your countrymen, has been decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless pastime. _Les wickettes_, as being too small for the Bowlsman to reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, should be instantly suppressed. The "overre," too, should consist of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the consideration of the Committee. I now subjoin "Le Score" I mentioned; a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at which I have hinted.

ALL FRANCE v. AN ENGLISH 'OME-TEAM.

ALL FRANCE.

M. DE BOISSY (struck with murderous force on the front of his forehead by the _boule de canon_, and obliged to retire), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0

M. NAUDIN (hit on his fingers, which are pinched blue with the _boule de canon_, and incapacitated), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0

Le Marquis de CAROUSEL (receives a blow from the _boule de canon_ on the front bone of his leg, and is compelled to relinquish the contest), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0

M. BUSSON (receives a severe contusion of the cheek-bone from the _boule de canon_, which is delivered with murderous intent by a swift "round-and bowlsman"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0

Le Général GREX (hits his three _wickettes_ into the air, in a daring attempt to stop the _boule de canon_ with his batsman's club), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0

Le Duc de SEPTFACES (has his _pince-nez_ shattered to atoms by the _boule de canon_, and, being unable to see, withdraws from the "innings"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0