Part 1

Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day

MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES

_WITH 155 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, REGINALD CLEAVER, LEWIS BAUMER, A. S. BOYD, TOM WILKINSON, G. D. ARMOUR, AND OTHERS

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

* * * * *

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

* * * * *

POST-PRANDIAL WIT

There is a sense, of course, in which everything from the pages of MR. PUNCH might be regarded as coming into a collection entitled "After Dinner Stories." All good stories are really for telling after dinner. Somehow or other one seldom associates wit and humour with the breakfast table, although the celebrated breakfast parties of Rogers, the banker, were doubtless in no way deficient in either. Over the walnuts and wine, when men have feasted well and are feeling on the best of terms with themselves and their fellows, the cares of the day put past and the pleasures of the gas-lit hours begun, that is undoubtedly the ideal time for the flow of wit.

It must not, therefore, be thought that the present volume is in anywise distinguished from the others of the series to which it belongs in the appropriateness of its contents for the dinner party. No more than any of its companions is it designed to that end; but as it is concerned almost exclusively with the humours of dining, with stories of diners, it will be admitted that its title is not without justification. Private dinner parties, public banquets, the solitary dinner at the restaurant, the giving and accepting of invitations, these and many other phases of dining come within its scope, and if it be noticed that a considerable amount of its humour has something of the fragrance of good old port--to say nothing of the aroma of wines that are bad!--it can only be retorted that MR. PUNCH'S duty has ever been to mirror the manners of the changing time, and in his early days the wine flowed more freely than it does to-day. For our personal taste we could have wished less of this humour of the bottle, but throughout this library an effort has been made to maintain in some degree a historical perspective, so that, in addition to the prime purpose of entertainment, each of these books in MR. PUNCH'S LIBRARY might be a faithful picture of the manners of the Victorian period in which most of his life has been passed. If to-day these manners seem to us just a trifle coarser than we esteem the social habits of our own day, surely that is a comforting reflection and one not lightly to be lost!

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES

_Mrs. Jones._ And pray, Mr. Jones, what is the matter now?

_Jones._ I was only wondering, my dear, where you might have bought this fish.

_Mrs. Jones._ At the fishmonger's. Where do you suppose I bought it?

_Jones._ Well, I thought that, _perhaps_, there might have been a remnant sale at the Royal Aquarium!

* * * * *

EXCUSE FOR DRINKING BEFORE DINNER.--To whet the appetite.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

RICE AND PRUNES

Rice and prunes a household journal Called the chief of household boons; Hence my mother cooks diurnal Rice and prunes.

Therefore on successive noons, Sombre fruit and snowy kernel Woo reluctant forks and spoons.

As the ear, when leaves are vernal, Wearies of the blackbird's tunes, So we weary of eternal Rice and prunes.

* * * * *

NEVER SPEAK IN A HURRY

THE HOSPITABLE JONES. Yes, we're in the same old place, where you dined with us last year. By the bye, old man, I wish you and your wife would come and take pot-luck with us again on the----

_The Impulsive Brown (in the eagerness of his determination never again to take pot-luck with the Joneses)._ My _dear_ fellow! _So_ sorry! But we're engaged on the--a--on the--er--on th-th-that evening!

_Poor Jones (pathetically)._ Well, old man, you _might_ have given me time just to _name the day_.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT

_Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup?

_Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im cocks-tail!

* * * * *

"THE COMING MAN."--A waiter.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE VERB TO DINE

PRESENT TENSE

I dine. Thou joinest me. He tries to whip us up for a division. We smoke our cigars. Ye drink your port. They are defeated in the lobby.

IMPERFECT TENSE

I was dining. Thou wast holding a reception. He was attending it. We were feeling puzzled. Ye were reading the _Globe_ and _Pall Mall_. They were not knowing what to make of it.

FUTURE TENSE

I shall dine. Thou wilt join my party. He will squirm. We shall promote the unity of the party. Ye will applaud. They will call a meeting at the "Reform."

PERFECT TENSE

I have dined. Thou hast made ambiguous remarks. He has explained them away. We have tried to make it all sweet again. Ye have split a soda. They have split the party.

SUBJUNCTIVE PRESENT

I may dine. Thou mayest object. He may want to state his views. We may insist on our dinners. Ye may agree with them. They may disagree with you.

SUBJUNCTIVE IMPERFECT

I might dine. Thou mightest emerge from Berkeley Square. He might resign. We might lead. Ye might follow. They might not.

IMPERATIVE

Dine thou! Let him speak out! Let us know who is our leader! Read ye the _Times_ and _Globe_! Let them settle the question for us!

INFINITIVE

Present: To split. Past: To have been a party.

* * * * *

AFTER-DINNER CONSIDERATION.--"Hippopotamuses" is a better test-word of fitness for joining the ladies than "British Constitution."

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

SPECIMENS OF MR. PUNCH'S SIGNATURES!

(_Fac-similes taken during the course of the evening._)

THIS IS BEFORE DINNER, 7·30. ATTESTED BY SEVERAL WITNESSES.

THIS IS AFTER THE PUNCH À LA ROMAINE, ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE BANQUET.

THIS IS WITH THE DESSERT.

AFTER THE CLARET.

AFTER THE CLARET _AND_ THE PORT.

DURING THE CIGARS, WHISKEY AND WATER.

12·30. BEFORE LEAVING TABLE.

1·30. BEFORE GETTING INTO BED.

The above have been submitted to an eminent expert, who says he could almost swear they are the same hand-writing, but must come and dine with _Mr. P._, in order absolutely to verify them.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

RAMBLING RONDEAUX

_At Table d'hôte_

At _table d'hôte_, I quite decline To sit there and attempt to dine! Of course you never dine, but "feed," And gobble up with fearsome greed A hurried meal you can't define.

The room is close, and, I opine, I should not like the food or wine; While all the guests are dull indeed At _table d'hôte_!

The clatter and the heat combine One's appetite to undermine. When noisy waiters take no heed, But change the plates at railway speed-- I feel compelled to "draw my line" At _table d'hôte_!

* * * * *

SUFFICIENT EXCUSE

_Jones_ (_to Brown_). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady.

_Brown._ No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight."

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED

"Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?"

"No--that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends."

* * * * *

SECTARIAN

"Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?"

"Mr. Binks, sir."

"Is Mr. Binks a _vegetarian_?"

"Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE

_A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_

According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business.

_Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have?

_The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.

_Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well.

_The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.

_Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.

_The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrées_--will you have cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules?

_Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things.

_The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entrée_, joint, and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.

_Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!

_The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.

_Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely supplying our bodily wants.

_The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about sweets, cheese, and savouries?

_Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's only a _family_ party!

_The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the way of stimulants?

_Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French, they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the difference nowadays, do they?

_The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you. (_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them!

* * * * *

_Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it was very complimentary; they gave me to an archæologist to take down.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *