Part 3

_Ancient Mariner._ No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.

[_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._

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THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS

You who look at home so charming-- Angel, goddess, nothing less-- Do you know you're quite alarming In that dress?

Such a garb should be forbidden; Where's the grace an artist loves? Think of dainty fingers hidden In those gloves!

Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them, Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks, Thick! And yet you often tear them With that axe!

Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny-- Greet them with derisive hoots-- Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny! Oh, those boots!

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THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE

_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.

_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.

_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.

_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and modern instances.

_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.

_Pantaloon._ Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley, slippers and spectacle case.

_Veteran._ Travels without luggage.

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A GREAT TRAVELLER.--Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his noblest lines, he expressly says--

"Whene'er I take my walks abroad."

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INNOCENT ABROAD.--You are misled in your view that the _Cours de Cuisine_, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run of the kitchen.

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AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT.--_Customer_ (_indignantly_). Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup?

_Waiter_ (_meekly_). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im Cockstail!

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NOTE BY OUR TRAVELLER--At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes, and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?

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EASTER HOLIDAYS

(_By One who has tried them_)

Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust. Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively! Impossible!

Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate. Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay? Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good. Scotland or Ireland? Worse!

Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres draughty, cafes and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain. Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No frost or snow, but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides, thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople, Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable, without so much trouble? I know. To bed!

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REGARDLESS OF THE TEMPERATURE.--_Facetious Australian_ (_off Calshot Castle, to indisposed friend_). What arm of the sea reminds one of a borrowed boot?

_The "I. F."_ (_feebly_). Give it--anything--up.

_F. A._ Why, the _Sole-lent_, to be sure.

[_The "I. F." is promptly carried below._

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AT BATH.--_Wiffling_ (_sympathetically_). Here on account of the waters?

_Piffling._ No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.

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"A QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--Asking a railway porter the time of the next train's departure for your holiday resort.

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TO MY AIRSHIP

[_The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due._]

Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind! (Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.) Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime! (Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)

Thine 'tis to fathom AEther's highest pole! (This wind will fairly get us in a hole.) Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome! (I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)

Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high, Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky; And myriad-minded fancies still pursue Thy gliding--(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)

Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height, (Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light) Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust Shimmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)

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_Q._ Give the French for "a policeman's beat." _A._ _Un tour de Force._

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_Q._ What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?

_A._ One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.

[_Exit Querier rapidly._

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OVER THE SEA.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can safely assert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.

Your obedient servant,

DIONYSIUS DABELRISK.

_Peckham Rye._

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AT THE GRAND HOTEL, PARIS.--_Blithers_ (_of romantic turn of mind, to Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the court yard_). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!

_Smithers_ (_a matter-of-fact man_). What of that? I call my housemaid Emily! He's most probably her footman.

[_Smithers calls for absinthe._

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BY THE SILVER SEA.--_Seaside. Tripper--none too clean in appearance--charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy_ (_about to enter next machine_), _loq._ I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow wouldn't bathe here.

_Mamma._ Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as clean as you, you know.

_Tommy_ (_eyeing Tripper closely_). Not in once, mamma!

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SUMMER RESORTS

DREARDON-CUM-SLOOZE.

Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails in this highly fla--favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs, and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is obtainable.

CHAWBOODLECUM.

A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local undertaker and the much-respected sexton. The cricket club opens its season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely. A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Saturday night at the "Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find every accommodation.

SLACKINGTON.

In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.

PORKBURY.

This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly, and the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.

Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for the inhabitants (especially on Saturday nights) have always been so conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his name and the date.

A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.

At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.

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AT BOULOGNE.--_Mrs. Sweetly_ (_on her honeymoon_). Isn't it funny, Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!

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PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."

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BY THE SILVER SEA

DRAINSMOUTH.

This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects. The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low water.

SHRIMPLEY.

The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier Pavilion.

LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.

Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable comment in the town.

SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.

Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write, twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day passing without at least two street rows between inebriated excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no "option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be with hard labour.

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Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?

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WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.

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TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of 'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent point de Suisse."_

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SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short, sharp grunts._

_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in its cabin!

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WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh! Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.

_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_). Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).

_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for lunch._

[_Collapse of Enthusiast._

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UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._ Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.

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ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.

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THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.

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