Part 2

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BALLOONERY.--"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.

"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an 'air-ship.'"

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AT BRUSSELS.--_Mrs. Trickleby_ (_pointing to an announcement in grocer's window, and spelling it out_). _Jambon d'Yorck._ What's that mean, Mr. T.?

_Mr. T_. (_who is by way of being a linguist_). Why, good Yorkshire preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was--Dundee marmalade?

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TO ABSENT FRIENDS.

(_By a Fox without a Tail._)

Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more, Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore, You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay, Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.

While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week, And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek, Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks, As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.

Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space, Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place: The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch, And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"

The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still, The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will; No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown, But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.

Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones), So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack, I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.

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When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?

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CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual.

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AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?

_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?

_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

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SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers; _Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires; _Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.

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CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!

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_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?

_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.

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THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED

(_An a propos Duologue_)

_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have made a mistake.

_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?

_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake; and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.

_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.

_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.

_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.

_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.

_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.

_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.

_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well worth it, to buy the bonnet.

_She._ How good, how noble of you to say so!

_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian shape imaginable.

_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.

_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?

_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware Road.

[_Tears and curtain._

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AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say, is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?

_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.

_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty in any one capacity.

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SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork; _Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men; _Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers; _Wo-burn_--for firemen.

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THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM

_Question._ What is your object this year?

_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.

_Q._ How do you manage this?

_A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.

_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful consideration?

_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.

_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?

_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.

_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?

_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.

_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?

_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.

_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?

_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.

_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?

_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.

_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?

_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.

_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?

_A._ Not much, nor my body either.

_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade Mecum?

_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.

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At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_). Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!

_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!

_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?

_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with Roentgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!

[_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves for Schlangenbad next morning._

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FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to compare notes.

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NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--_Mal de Little Mary._

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MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji Islands are called the Fijits.

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FOR A CHANGE

Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine, For our annual change I pine. Once again the problem's here, Whither we shall go this year. Let who will seek lake or moor, "_Bad_" or hydro, spa or "_kur_," Switzerland and Germany Have no charms for you and me. There while restless tourists haste, "Good old Margate" suits our taste. On its old familiar ground We will make the usual round. Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown, Whom we daily see in town; Hear the niggers or the bands On the pier, the fort, the sands; Revel in each well-known joy, Then, when these enchantments cloy, And for change again we yearn, Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.

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THE number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on Friday with an entire cargo of hides.

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A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.

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A BERLIN.--Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.

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OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Etes-vous la diligence?

_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.

_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la meme chose; gardez pour moi trois places dans votre interieur demain.

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NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH

(_Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo._)

_First Friend._ No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.

_Second F._ And I from Fat.

_Third F._ And I'm with my people at Chin.

[We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and Menton.--ED.]

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A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.

(_A Page from a Modern Diary._)

_Monday._--Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty. Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad to get to bed.

_Tuesday._--Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for _table d'hote_, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.

_Wednesday._--Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly as possible to bed.

_Thursday._--Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a discount. Dispensed with dinner. Glad to get to bed.

_Friday._--Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put out. Off to bed.

_Saturday._--Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in bed.

_Sunday._--Sleeping.

_Monday._--Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad to get back again to work.

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BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER

_MARE! Mare_! Most contrary, Why do you tumble so? While you heave and swell One can't feel well, And--I think I'll go below!

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MOTTO FOR AMERICAN MILLIONAIRESSES.--

"Marry, come up!"

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TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND

(_By a British Tourist and Family Man_)

On Uri's lake, in Kuesnacht's dell, What is the thought can almost quell Thy patriot memory, oh TELL? _Hotel!_

Whether by blue crevasse we reel, Or list the avalanche's peal, What question blends with all we feel?-- _Wie Viel?_

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MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this notice:--

"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person committing the same."

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"TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf.

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TO A WELSH LADY

(_Written at Clovelly_)

The reason why I leave unsung Your praises in the Cymric tongue You know, sweet Nelly; You recollect your poet's crime-- How, when he tried to sing "the time," He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme, You and Dolgelly!

But now, although a shocking dunce, I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc- iation deathly. I dream of you in this sweet spot, And for your sake I call it what Its own inhabitants do not-- That is "Clovethly"!

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AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his experiences to crowd of admirers_). Then do you mean to tell us that you actually reached the North Pole?