Part 1

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MR PUNCH ON TOUR.

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR.

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON.

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

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MR. PUNCH ON TOUR

THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD

DEPICTED BY

PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER, GORDON BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER, G. D. ARMOUR, A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY, AND OTHERS

_WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS_

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

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THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

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THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL

There is nothing insular about MR. PUNCH. Judging by his features, familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no means absolutely delimited by our coast line.

It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it should be, and in these days of the _entente cordiale_ especially, when the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair lands of our friends across the silver streak.

MR. PUNCH, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life. The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures joyously.

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MR. PUNCH ON TOUR

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM IN ROME.--When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm, and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.

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A CURIOUS LANDSCAPE FEATURE OBSERVABLE AT MONTE CARLO IN THE EARLY SPRING.--Blue Rocks.

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HINTS TO TOURISTS

If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and in splashing, and in stumping round your room.

Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.

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SHE MEANT NOTHING WRONG.--_Curate to American Visitor._ How do you like our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.

_Mrs. Golightly._ Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock fitted on the tower, it would be _useful_ as well as ornamental.

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TRAVELLERS' TALES

_First Traveller_ (_in the smoking-room_). I think the most marvellous sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know the Bight?

_Second Traveller._ Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.

_Third Traveller._ I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.

_First Traveller._ Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail, and----

_Other Travellers_ (_jealously in chorus_). Oh! Come, I say!

_Quiet Man_ (_in corner_). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the assertion.

_First Traveller_ (_nettled_). How's that?

_Quiet Man._ Why, _I_ was the man.

[_Company disperses._

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NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN FABLE.--The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.

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A HAPPY HOLIDAY

Now I really do not care a Hang about the Riviera, In the daytime you've a gay time, But the nights are very cold. And for any kind of touring, Which I used to find alluring, I for biking had a liking, But I now have grown too old.

Then the constant change of weather To my thinking, altogether Knocked the notion of an ocean Trip completely on the head; I've a horror, too, of "trippers," 'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers," So a jolly quiet holi- Day I spent at home in bed.

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NO DIFFERENCE.--_English Customer_ (_to Manager of restaurant_). I see, Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much difference in their bill?

_Signor Maraschino._ Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady, who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?

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"THE GREAT LOAN LAND."--Russia.

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IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD

(_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_)

Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.

Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from below with an opera-glass.

Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.

Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.

Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I travelled with from Turin.

Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_.

Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.

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THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table d'hote_.

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HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be the Pacific Ocean!"

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"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.

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VIATOR'S VADE MECUM

(_Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist_)

When the wind is in the North, Gingham take if you go forth. If to Eastward veer the wind, Gingham do not leave behind. If to West the wind should tend, Gingham is your surest friend. If it seek the South, of course, Gingham is your sole resource. Intermediate points demand Gingham constantly in hand. If there be no wind at all, Gingham take, for rain will fall. At all other times, no doubt, Gingham you may do without, Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,-- Showers I mean,--so take your Gingham!

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_English Tourist_ (_in the far North, miles from anywhere_). "Do you mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"

_Scotch Shepherd._ "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"

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_The_ PLACE IN HOT WEATHER.--Lazistan.

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THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE

The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to go a little farther. We want protection against:--

1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will themselves occupy.

2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves occupy.

3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.

4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.

5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.

6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.

7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.

8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.

9. Objectionable babies.

10. Objectors to babies.

And a job lot of grievances, viz.:--

11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.

12. Clapham Junction.

13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.

14. The weather.

15. Nasty smelling smoke.

16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.

17. The increase in the income-tax.

18. The cussedness of things in general.

19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.

If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we shall be very greatly obliged.

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MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_.

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AT MUNICH.--_Mr. Joddletop_ (_to travelling companion at Bierhalle_). What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's thinner than what I drink at home.

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MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES

(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)

A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington, Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.

_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left (as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump. Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through. Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or other purposes.

_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.

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MISS-GUIDED FOLKS IN PARIS.--Evidently those who are personally conducted by "Lady Guides."

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THE IDEAL HOLIDAY

Come, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane, And the question of our holiday perplexes once again; Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks, Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.

As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn As promptly some objection to each one we discern; Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot, And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.

The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside, And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide; The _Bads_--Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr, Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.

Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near, With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear; Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest, And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;

Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight, Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night! Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear, It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.

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"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.

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SO NICE AND SYMPATHETIC.--A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.

"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making eyes."