Part 2

_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought 'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]

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DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS

We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent fraud in personating deceased officers, &c.

A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the Danish fleet.

--1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets of France and Spain.

--1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada.

--1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.

--1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle.

N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was "there all the while."

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LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE

In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the _Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in hand:--

TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light, comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c.

The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and "comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms. Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant.

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By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anchored as a permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.

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Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties those of sky-pilots.

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A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for service till he is very old?

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A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.

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SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE

["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr. Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._]

_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German Army._

Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff," and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with, simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.

Yores melancholy-like,

THOMAS ATKINS.

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["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab _régime_. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian--tassels, lace, and decorations--is to be banished from the parade-ground."--_Westminster Gazette._]

_Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British Army._

Mein Gut Friend,--We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the beautiful Susan _verloren_. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her "leetle blue _teufel_"! But now, ach Himmel! she at me _cochet die snooken!_ "Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no more ze _schon_ buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.--Zo longen

KARL SCHNEIDER.

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QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE.--Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she mean to waive her rule?

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_Commander._ What is your complaint against this boy?

_Bluejacket._ Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one?

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TRAFALGAR DAY.--(_At the Board School._) _Teacher._ Now can any boy tell me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square?

_Johnny Grimes_ (_immediately_). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven, when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory.

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SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS

Augury from fowls of air Back to Tuscan gramarye dates. Birds in February pair: Now then, skippers, choose your mates.

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THE FORTUNE OF WAR

(_A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence_)

["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."--_The Outlook._]

... "COMRADES!" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these trifles, compared with the glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of us--a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read----"

At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.

"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"

"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"

"For the very good reason that--_we've run out of oil!_"

A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice of the general himself shook as he replied:

"Then, for once, we must ride."

"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses. Shall we--march?"

"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour! Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant death; but never, in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of course, and he went out scouting on his own account--as heroes do--in the last chapter.)

"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"

"Well?" said the general.

"Yes, it _is_ a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have discovered not half-a-mile away!"

The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed enemy.

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THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK

_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.

_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to India.

_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical dressing.

_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.

_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a fine military hash) any number of times.

_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control mixture.

_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.

_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, although extremely expensive.

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STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope our sailors will never engage--that of their colours.

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A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty.

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THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.

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MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.

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THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.

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NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to _Glory_."--_Daily Mail._

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FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.

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AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE

(_A Forecast of the Future_)

SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer _discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_.

_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.

[_Dives under his table._

_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the beginning.

_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia."

_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer _resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer any questions.

_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this interesting entertainment?

_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.

_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously?

_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences. And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the civilian.

[_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._

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PREPARING FOR WAR

A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the first time:--

1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets. This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.