Part 1

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MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day

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MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES

_WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

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THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

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"FORWARD!"

Was there ever protean like MR. PUNCH! The little man is a wonder. In so many guises do we encounter him--now as tourist, again as playgoer, as huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where not and how not?--that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?

Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH too sore of heart to say much about it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always "preparing"--hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders and abettors.

MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and it's "Forward!"

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MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

WATERLOO UP-TO-DATE _(a fact)_.

_Belgian Guide._ Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of _victoire_----

_Facetious Britisher._ Where was Lord Roberts?

_Guide (not to be done)._ Lord Robert 'e stand on _zis montagne_, and 'e cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"

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The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of total abstainers from the British Army.

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CURIOUS MILITARY FACT.--The seat of war is always the spot where two forces are standing up to one another.

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A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERYMEN.--Gunnersbury.

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ADVICE FOR MARTINETS.--Military authorities should consider whether it would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.

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AMONG WARRIORS.

_Interested Patron._ So I see you lost an arm in the battle.

_An Atkins ("back from the Front")._ Ay, sir, and my companion here _(indicating Atkins No. 2)_ he lost a leg.

_Patron._ And your Colonel--in the same battle, eh?

_Atkins No. 2._ Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his head.

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ARMY CHAPLAINS.--Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war if they were all canons?

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"THE BLACK WATCH"

The Black Watch will go night and day. The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate. The Black Watch always keeps time. The Black Watch is never out of gear. The Black Watch wants no "winding up." The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.

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_Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?

_P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me.

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A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the Vickers-Maxim.

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"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think."

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FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS

(_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_)

_How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes. Regimental levée scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.

_How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors. Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _à la_ "Belle of New York" surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.

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SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, individually and collectively, more money than those of any other regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."

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HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_ bullets.

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THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY

That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.

That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries and cream.

That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in the neighbourhood on a bicycle.

That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly "shoppy."

That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links or tyres.

That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to Waterloo in forty minutes.

That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject to certain favourable climatic conditions.

That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial and patriotism.

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UNIFORMITY

SCENE--_Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is stopped by messenger._

_Messenger._ Yes, sir?

_Officer._ I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.

_Messenger._ Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here two minutes before your arrival.

_Officer._ But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in full uniform?

_Messenger._ Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an officer like yourself.

_Officer._ And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station, grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!

_Messenger._ Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced, sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!

_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and regiment?

_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April.

_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date! Quite the most appropriate date!

_Messenger._ Yes, sir!

(_Curtain._)

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The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry.

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AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past.

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THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay.

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NOT FOR PATRICK!

["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._]

What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees, As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s? Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches, An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.

What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl! No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it, But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.

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In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is rank!"

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MILITARY SURGERY

DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres.

Yours respectfully,

CORPORAL TRIM.

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_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"

_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"

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WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports."

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"AN ARMED NATION"

["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._]

EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES

1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man.

2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.

3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.

4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.

5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.

6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.

7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.

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THE NECESSARY KIT

["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of necessaries."--_Army Order._]

It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann. Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it-- That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.

Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said! But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead. Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit, For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.

They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet, That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.

But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell, And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit, If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.

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"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's.

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MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST

ON THE ARMY.

Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress bills--but I was talking about the army.

Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.

First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh? Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the _Daily Wire_ on the subject.

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SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the breach for this purpose._

_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye!

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MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they made!"

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