Part 4

Ostend must be a glorious place. From an advertisement which has appeared in an evening contemporary I gather that "the multitude, anxious to spend an elegant and fashionable sojourn in the country, has rendered itself this year at Ostend. It is a long time since such an opulent clientele has been united in a seaside resort. At the fall of day the vast terraces of the fashionable restaurants, situated along the sea-bank, present a fairy aspect. There is quite a confusion of dazzling costumes upon which sparkle thousand gems, and all this handsome cosmopolitan society passes through the saloons of the Kursaal Club, in which one hears spoken all known languages as at Babel and Monte Carlo, and of which the attractions are identical to those of the latter place." This is the first time I have heard of a similarity to Babel being mentioned as an attraction. But no doubt an opulent clientele has peculiar tastes of its own, especially when its dazzling costumes sparkle with thousand gems.

In a small Belgian town (naturally not Ostend) I once saw the following notice hung over the door of a washerwoman's establishment:--

Anglish linge tooke here from 1 sou Shert, cols, soaks, sleep-shert, pokets. I eet my hatt.

The last sentence puzzled me for a long time. Finally I came to the conclusion that it was not intended so much to be a statement of actual fact as an enticement to English people, who would of course take all their washing to a lady commanding so gay and accurate a knowledge of an English catch-phrase.

* * *

My third example of English as she is spoke is from a notice issued by an out-of-the-way hotel in Italy, which had changed its management:--

"The nobles and noblesses traveller are beg to tell that the direction of this splendid hotel have bettered himself. And the strangers will also find high comforting luxuries, hot cold water coffee bath and all things of perfect establishment and at prices fixed. Table d'hôte best of Italy France everywere. Onclean linens is quick wash and every journals is buy for readers. Beds hard or soaft at the taste of traveller. Soaps everywere plenty. Very cheaper than other hotel. No mosquits no parrot no rat."

_She._ "Do you speak English, sir?"

_He._ "Hélas! non, mademoiselle!" (_Sighs deeply._)]

ENGLISH AS SHE IS WRIT

Intending English visitors to Spa, who may wish to become, temporarily, members of the _Cercle des Étrangers_, will be pleased with the following courteous circular:--

"_Casino de Spa, Cercle des Étrangers._

"M.,--In polite replying of your esteemed letter of the ---- I will hasten to send you a statute of the 'Cercle des Étrangers' with a formulary at this annexed.

"Please to send us the formulary back, as soon as possible, the formalities for the reception as member wanting two days time.

"We dare inform you that only those persons are allowed to go into the drawing-rooms of the Casino, which previously have fulfilled the prescribed formalities of admittance.

"With the greatest respects "In order of the directorship of the Casino "THE CHIEF SECRETARY."

"_Casino de Spa, Cercle des Étrangers._"

"Under-signed, having been acquainted with the statutes of the 'Cercle des Étrangers,' wishes to fulfill the prescribed formalities in order to have inlet and therefore gives following indications:"

(_Space for particulars as to name, forename, title, or trade, "spot and datum," with signature, here follows; and so this most interesting document concludes._)

* * *

QUANTITY NOT QUALITY.--_Brown, senior._ Well, Fred, what did you see during your trip abroad?

_Brown, junior._--Aw--'pon m' word, 'don't know what I saw 'xactly, 'only know I did more by three countries, eight towns, and four mountains, than Smith did in the same time!

* * *

THE LOVE OF NATURE.--_First Chappie._ Lovely place, Monte Carlo, isn't it! Such beautiful scenery!

_Second Chappie._ Beautiful!--such splendid air, too!

_First Chappie._ Splendid!--a--(_pause_)--let's go into the casino!

[_Exeunt to the tables, where they remain for the rest of the day._

TONGUES FOR TOURISTS

The Long Vacation is drawing to a close, and parents and guardians may like to know how reading tours have aided in advancing the education of their respective scions. Should any doting fathers be interested in the absorption of foreign languages into their sons' systems, the following mems from the diary of a University man, who has just returned from a tour abroad, whither he had gone expressly to perfect himself in European tongues, may be productive of some reflection.

_July._

Left Dover for our tour. Met American Colonel X. Y. Zachary at Calais. Glorious brick. Knew French, and talked for us all. Gave us quite a twang, and left us devoted to Yankees.

Put up at Grand Hotel. English waiter. Saved us lots of trouble. Went to English tavern. Excellent beefsteak for dinner. Cheese direct from Cheshire. Went to open-air music hall in the Shongs Eliza, what they call a coffee concert. Two English clowns and a man who sang "_Tommy, make Room for your Uncle._" English family on both sides of us. Dropped their H's freely. Met two college chums in the yard of the Grand when we came back.

Went out to buy German Dictionary, French Grammar, and Italian Dialogues. Bought a copy of _Punch_ instead--great fun.

Started for Italy. Capital guard with the train: knew English thoroughly. Queen's messenger in the carriage; splendid linguist. What's the use of trying to speak a foreign language, if you don't begin in your cradle!

Arrived at Turin. Met the Larkspur girls at the station. Went everywhere with them. They are all awfully jolly. Quite gorgeous at slang. Must buy that Italian Grammar and Dialogues. Learnt the Italian for "Yes" to-day.

On to Venice. How well our gondolier talks English. Lovely weather for cricket or lawn tennis. Nothing so jolly here. Old bricks, and dirty punts they call gondowlers.

_August._

Start for Rome. Fancy a Roman train. What was it? All Gaul, or all the train, was divided _in tres partes_. Sang comic songs all the way. Bother Rome! it reminds one of Virgil and Horace, and all those nuisances. By the way, we must not forget the Italian Dialogues. Hotel commissioner, such a good fellow. Has lived in the Langham for the last six years. Told us a capital American story. Left the others to go round the monuments while I played a game of billiards with Captain Crawley. By Jingo! he does play well. _He_ never learnt Italian or French, but I have heard he is a Greek. Speaks English like a Briton.

Meant to have begun Italian to-day; but too hot, really. Go back by Vienna and Trieste. Better buy a German Dictionary. Charlie's voice downstairs, by Jove! Hurrah! Off to Vienna. Go over the Tyrol by night. Sleep all the way.

Vienna. Awfully good beer. English parson in same hotel. Knows the governor. Wants me to take him round, and as he hears I am studying German, will I interpret for him? See him further first.

_September._

Leave Vienna, to escape parson. The German tongue most attractive when made into sausages. Lingo simply horrible. Couldn't learn it if I tried.

Arrived at Munich. Drove round the English Garden. Nothing English in it except weeds and ourselves. Saw _Richard the Third_ played at the theatre. Call that Shakspeare? Well! I am particularly etcetrad. And in German, too! Why don't they learn English?

Home in time for some partridges. By the way, wonder what became of the "coach" who went out with me? Never bought the grammars and dictionaries, after all. There's nothing like English if you want to be understood.

* * *

AT BADEN-BADEN.--_Captain Rook._ Yes, my dear sir, although they have closed the Public Tables, still, if you really want a little amusement, I think I can introduce you to a very good set indeed. Where they play low, you know--only to pass the time.

_Young Mr. Pidgeon._ Oh, thank you. I should like it very much indeed. But I am giving you a great deal of trouble?

_Captain Rook._ Not at all!

A CORRESPONDENT reports the following advertisement, written in chalk on the box of a Swiss shoeblack:--

"ENGLISH SPOKEN. AMERICAN UNDERSTOOD."

* * *

SCENE--_Boulevard Café._

_First Irate Frenchman._ Imbécile!

_Second I. F._ Canaille!!

_First I. F._ Cochon!!!

_Second I. F._ Chamberlaing!!!!

FLORENCE IN THE FUTURE

(_A very distant Future, let us hope_)

_Tourist._ Can you speak English?

_Guide._ Yes, sir. I lived in London for many years.

_Tourist._ It is a very long time since I was in Florence. What is there to see in your city now?

_Guide._ The city has been entirely improved, sir. There is the new Palazzo Municipale. It is superb.

_Tourist._ I don't think I should care for that. What else is there?

_Guide._ There are the new Boulevards, the Piazza Umberto and the Ponte Nuovo. They are all magnificent, and the American visitors admire them very much. So do the English visitors, but there are very few of them. It is curious, for Florence has been made quite new and handsome.

_Tourist._ I don't wish to see new buildings. Isn't there anything old?

_Guide._ Oh, yes, sir, of course. There is the Piazzo Vittorio Emmanuele. That is more than thirty years old.

_Tourist._ I remember the hideous square. But where are the old buildings? How about the Baptistery?

_Guide._ Oh, that was pulled down six years ago to make more room for the tramways. It was a dark, ugly old place. There is a beautiful new Battistero now, made of glass and iron, like the Crystal Palace near London, put up in place of the old Cathedral which nobody liked.

_Tourist._ What? You don't mean to say Giotto's Tower has gone?

_Guide._ There was some old _campanile_. I think it was sold to the Hawaii Territory World's Fair Syndicate.

_Tourist._ Anyhow, there's the Ponte Vecchio.

_Guide._ Oh, yes, sir. But nobody goes to see that. It was pulled down a great many years ago, and some old-fashioned, artistic Florentines made a great fuss, so it was put up again on dry land at the end of the Cascine. The Municipality used to do that years ago. Pull down an old building, and put it up again in quite a different place, and then say it was just the same. It hardly seemed worth the trouble. Happily they did not put up a memorial to every old building, as the English did to Temple Bar. As for the Ponte Vecchio, it was turned into a switchback railway at last, but it never paid. There is the Ponte Nuovo----

_Tourist._ No, thank you. But look here. There must be something. Where are the pictures?

_Guide._ They were taken to Rome, sir, when the Palazzo Pitti and the Palazzo degli Uffizi were pulled down.

_Tourist._ How about statues? I remember old statues everywhere, and some vile modern ones.

_Guide._ Yes, sir, years ago, but the old ones were all cleared away to make more room for the electric tramways. But there's a magnificent statue of Italy on the Piazza at Fiesole. The figure is two hundred feet high, made of cast iron, painted to look like marble. She holds an electric light in her hand, which you can see at night from miles away.

_Tourist._ But I'd rather not. How about the churches? Where is Santa Maria Novella?

_Guide._ Excuse me, sir; Santa Maria Novellissima. There was an old church once, but the present one is quite new. It is made of steel, with thin stone stuck all over it, to look like a stone building, just like the Tower Bridge in London. You know, sir, we get many artistic ideas from England. It is a very clever imitation, and much admired.

_Tourist._ No doubt. I'll ask you one final question. Which is the oldest building now standing in Florence?

_Guide._ Well, really, sir, I'm not quite sure. I should think the gasometer on the left bank of the Arno is about as old as anything. The Stazione Centrale was very ancient, but of course the new Railway Station----

_Tourist._ That'll do. I arrived at that station this morning. You take me back there, and I'll leave this unhappy place for ever. I'm off to Turin. It may be a rectangular, monotonous city, but it's now the oldest town in Italy.

* * *

AT LUCERNE.--_Member of Parliament_ (_ending a long explanation of a pet measure_). And so you see, my dear, by the law of supply and demand, Capital _must_ be benefited without injury to Labour. I hope I make myself clearly understood? Perhaps you might give me your view of the subject. The suggestions of fresh minds are frequently very valuable. I have noticed that you have been pondering over something for the last half-hour. You were thinking, perhaps, that greater liberty might be given to the framers of the initial contract?

_Mrs. M.P._ No, dear. The fact is, I have been considering all the morning which of my dresses I ought to wear to-night at the _table d'hôte!_

OBJECTIONS TO PLACES

(_By a Stay-at-Home Cynic_)

_Antwerp._--Too many pictures.

_Boulogne._--Too many English.

_Calais._--Barred by the Channel passage.

_Dieppe._--Journey there literally a "toss-up."

_Ems._--In the sere and yellow leaf.

_Florence._--Paintings anticipated by photography.

_Geneva._--Can get watches nowadays elsewhere.

_Heidelberg._--Castle too "personally conducted."

_Interlaken._--Jungfrau monotonous.

_Jerusalem._--Looks better on paper.

_Kissingen._--Fallen off since Sheridan's days.

_Lucerne._--Lion in stone too irritating.

_Madrid._--Bull-fights can be supplied by biograph.

_Naples._--No longer an _ante mortem_ necessity.

_Paris._--Used up.

_Quebec._--After the Jubilee, too Colonial.

_Rouen._--Preliminary journey impossible.

_Saumur._--Not to be tempted by the vintage.

_Turin._--Out of date more than a quarter of a century.

_Utrecht._--Nothing, with or without its velvet.

_Wiesbaden._--For ages superseded by Monte Carlo.

_Xeres._--Can get sherry without going there.

_Yokohama._--Products purchasable at the stores.

_Zurich._--"Fair waters" disappointing.

* * *

AT ANTWERP.--_Artist_ (_amateur_). "_The Descent from the Cross._" Hem! Not a bad bit of colouring, but out of date, sir,--out of date!

_Artist_ (_professional_). You think so! Well, perhaps you are right. Splendid subject--splendid work; but it mightn't have sold nowadays. In 1875, Rubens would have painted portraits of fat mayors and sketches from the nursery.

_Artist_ (_amateur_). Talking of sketches from the nursery, you should have seen my "_Coronation of Henry the Eighth!_"--the picture, you know, that they were afraid to accept at the Royal Academy! Afraid, sir!--that's the word--afraid!

_Artist_ (_professional_). Quite so!

TALK FOR TRAVELLERS

["The German officials at the frontier, since the relaxation of the passport regulations, have been ordered to treat foreign passengers with every politeness."--_Daily Papers._]

MEIN HERR, will you do us the honour to descend from the railway-carriage? It will be merely a matter of form. We need not disturb those gracious ladies, your wife and daughters.

This is the best way to the Customs. You will notice that we have swept the path that leads to the door.

Certainly, these arm-chairs are for the use of passengers. We have placed them there ourselves, and can recommend them.

Is it asking too great a favour to beg you to lend me the keys of your boxes? A hundred thousand thanks.

Your explanation is absolutely satisfactory. You are bringing these sixteen unopened boxes of cigars home for your grandmother. It is a most proper thing to do, and, under the circumstances, the duty will be remitted.

And these three hundred yards of lace of various makes and ages? An heir-loom! Indeed! Then, of course, the packet must pass duty-free.

As we have found nothing of consequence in this portmanteau of yours, it will be unnecessary to search the nineteen boxes of that gracious lady, your wife. No doubt she has obeyed your instruction not to smuggle. We are absolutely satisfied with your explanations, and are greatly obliged to you for your kindness and condescension.

This is the way to the carriage. We have placed steps before the door, as without a platform it is difficult to ascend.

No, mein herr, it is utterly impossible? We are forbidden by the Emperor himself to accept a gratuity.

Yes, madam, it is indeed without charge. Do not tempt us. Instant dismissal is the penalty.

Certainly, mein herr, you could get the same politeness before the Emperor issued his Imperial instructions.

But then the charge was a thaler!

INTO SPAIN

(_With a Conversation-Book_)

_Cannes._--Read that the weather is dismal and cloudy in England. Shall stay in the sunny South a little longer. Cannes is a charming place. But might as well see something different. Where to go? Consult map. Good idea. Spain. Consult time-tables. Easiest thing in the world. Tarascon to Barcelona. What is there to see in Barcelona? Nuts probably. Also Spanish manners and customs, dark eyes, fans, _mantillas_, and so forth. Shall certainly go, after a few days. Good idea to learn a few words of Spanish. Must be very easy. Italian and French mixed, with some Latin added. Amiable Frenchman in hotel supports this view. He says, airily, "_Vous quittez Paris dans le 'sleeping,' vous achetez des journaux espagnols à Irun, et, arrivé à Madrid vous parlez espagnol._" Cannot hope to rival that linguistic feat, but may be able to learn a few phrases between Cannes and Barcelona. Buy a conversation-book in French and Spanish.

_Port Bou._--Across the frontier. Custom-house station. Now is the time to begin Spanish. Have read some of that conversation-book on the way. Begin to doubt its utility. Usual sort of thing. "Has thy brother bought a boot-jack?" "I wish these six volumes of Molière's plays to be bound in half calf." And so forth. This one is the same, only in French.

Custom-house officer, in beautiful uniform and bright green gloves, very strict in his examination of my luggage. The green gloves travel all over my property, and bring out a small cardboard box. Triumphant expression on official's face. He has caught me. Open box, and show him it contains a few white ties. His face now shows only doubt and amazement. Cannot explain to him verbally. Evidently useless to mention the binding of Molière's plays. The green gloves beckon another custom-house officer, also wearing bright green gloves. Together they examine my harmless white ties. It seems to me the green gloved hands are held up in pious horror. Try them in French, in Italian, in English. No good. Should perhaps tip them in Spanish. But why waste _pesetas?_ So refrain. They shake their heads still more suspiciously. The only thing remaining for me to do is to ask if the brother of one of them has bought a boot-jack. Does not seem very appropriate, but, if said politely, might imply that I wish to change the subject. Am just about to begin the note of interrogation upside down, which gives such an uncanny air to a Spanish question, when they cease looking at my ties, and I pass on.

_Barcelona._--Shall have no difficulty here. Have been told that French is spoken everywhere. If not, then English or Italian. Everyone in the hotel speaks French. To the bank. Manager speaks English beautifully. Buy some cigarettes. Old woman in the shop speaks Italian. Shall get on capitally. Need not trouble to carry the conversation-book in my pocket.