Part 3

_A._ In the Arctic Ocean. A small specimen may be seen at the Zoological Gardens.

_Q._ What are “breaches of trust”?

_A._ Trousers procured on tick.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

LINES WRITTEN IN A LAWYER’S OFFICE

ON THE APPROACH OF SPRING

Whereas, on certain boughs and sprays Now divers birds are heard to sing, And sundry flowers their heads upraise; Hail to the coming on of Spring!

The songs of those said birds arouse The memory of our youthful hours, As green as those said sprays and boughs, As fresh and sweet as those said flowers.

The birds aforesaid--happy pairs-- Love, ’mid the aforesaid boughs, enshrines In freehold nests: themselves, their heirs, Administrators and assigns.

Oh, busiest term of Cupid’s Court, Where tender plaintiffs actions bring-- Season of frolic and of sport, Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring!

* * * * *

Life, we are told, is a trial, but the worst of it is there is no Court of Appeal we can go to in the event of our not being satisfied with the result of it. For myself, I should like uncommonly to move for a new trial.

_Briefless Barrister._

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE RULE OF THE ROAD.--_Query (from a correspondent)._--When a street runs into another street, what is the remedy at law?

_The Answer._--Consult a solicitor.

* * * * *

CONSCIENTIOUS LAWYER’S ADVICE.--Do right; don’t write.

* * * * *

A JURYMAN OF A SIZE.--A Welsh publican who weighs thirty stone has lately been informed that his bulk will not invalidate him from sitting on juries. “Squashing the verdict” is likely to become a popular feature of the Welsh Assizes.

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE OPPONENTS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. No noose is good news!

* * * * *

CALLED TO THE “BA.”--The shepherd’s dog.

* * * * *

THE ENDS OF JUSTICE.--A cat-o’-nine-tails.

* * * * *

More judges required. We don’t want to hear so much of Chancery Division as of Chancery multiplication.

* * * * *

* * * * *

EXPLANATION OF ÆSOP’S FABLES FOR DULL STUDENTS

I. _The Fox who lost his Tail in the Gin._

The Fox stood seized of an estate in trap, and by a device duly executed he left his hairs a remainder in tail.

II. _The Fox and Crow._

In this case the Crow was evidently seized of a piece of cheese, with contingent remainder to the Fox, in case she opened her mouth, which, on her doing so, instantly descended to the Fox, who became seized of it.

* * * * *

PREVENTION OF BURGLARY.--Prospect of a dog and certainty of “the cat.”

* * * * *

NO JOKE FOR JURYMEN

Lock the jury up together, Lock them up the live-long night, Even in the closest weather! Is it rational? is it right? What pretence can lawyers put up For a rusty rule, but fudge? Why, a jury when you shut up, Not as well shut up the judge?

* * * * *

* * * * *

THOSE SILENT BOOTS

_Burglar’s Ballad._ AIR--“_Those Evening Bells._”

Those silent boots! Those silent boots! When out upon our gay galoots, ’Twill give us coves the bloomin’ jumps, If we carn’t hear the copper’s clumps! ’Ave bobby’s bluchers passed away? That there will bust the burglar’s lay! Wot, _silent_ “slops”--like evening swells? It’s wus than them electric bells! No, no! I ’opes, till _I_ am gone, The bobby’s boots will still clump on. Their warnin’ sound our bizness soots, But bust the thought o’ _silent_ boots!

* * * * *

“THE WINDY SIDE OF THE LAW.”--Which side is this? Go into a solicitor’s office: you’ll soon be able to answer the question when you get near a draught.

* * * * *

THE ONLY COMPANY NOT LIMITED BY ACT OF PARLIAMENT.--Bad company.

* * * * *

NOTE BY OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE.--A solicitor who is struck off the rolls has generally been eating someone else’s bread.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

WHAT IT MAY COME TO!

SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual company assembled, and the place wearing its customary aspect. “Standing room only” everywhere, except in the jury box, which is empty. Prisoner at the bar._

_Judge._ This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the jury to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and I may even add, the prisoner, is wasted! I really don’t know what to do! Mr. Twentybob, I think you appear for the accused?

_Counsel for the Defence._ Yes, my Lord.

_Judge (with some hesitation)._ Well, I do not for a moment presume to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw his plea?

_Counsel for the Defence._ No, my lord, I certainly cannot advise him to throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence before an intelligent jury.

_Judge._ But we can’t get a jury--intelligent or otherwise.

_Counsel for the Defence._ If no evidence is offered, my client should be discharged.

_Counsel for the Prosecution._ I beg pardon, but I must set my friend right. Evidence _is_ offered in support of the charge, my lord.

_Judge._ Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the grand jury (to whom I had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still, the present case is before the court, and I must dispose of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. Perplebagge?

_Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling)._ I am afraid not, my lord.

_Judge._ Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the prisoner to be taken back to----

_Prisoner._ To the place I was in last night? No thankee!--not me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to oblige you--as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course I _did_ do it--I plead guilty!

_Judge (with a sigh of relief)._ Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely beholden to you!

[_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._

* * * * *

* * * * *

HABES CONFITENTEM REUM.--Suitors write to the papers to complain of the “block in Chancery.” Who but a block (we must ask) _would_ be in Chancery?

* * * * *

THE THIEF’S MOTTO.--“Take things quietly.”

* * * * *

SPRING ASSIZES.--Trying weather.

* * * * *

QUERY.--Would an ideal barrister be a counsel of perfection?

* * * * *

A PROVERB REVISED.--Too many cooks spoil the--police.

* * * * *

SAYING OF SOLICITORS.--November is at best a pettifogger.

* * * * *

AN EQUITY DRAFTSMAN.--A lawyer who sketches.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG

THE LAWYER.

Spinster of the Saxon beauty, At the Grainthorpe Manor mill, Of this heart you’ve had possession Since I made my uncle’s will: Yours the image all engrossing When I try to read reports, You, my Amy, am I drawing, Even in the Chancery Courts.

Ah! that brow as smooth as--vellum-- Ah! those lips vermilion red-- Kisses wherewith I have sealed them No one ever witnessèd: I would sue the man who ventured To deny you dressed with taste, I would tax his costs who hinted An “impeachment” of your waist.

Soon the long vacation’s coming, Soon the weary term will end; No more writs and affidavits, No more actions to defend: I shall take the first conveyance-- Train at five P.M.--express-- I shall count the sluggish moments-- Forty minutes, more or less.

Meet me, cousin, at the station With the trap that’s duty free, It can take my rods and gun-case, We will walk, _prochein_ Amy, Past the glebe and old inclosure, Past the deeply mortgaged inn, On to where the freeholds finish And the copyholds begin.

There I’ll make my declaration, There I’ll pause and plead my suit; Do not let it be “in error,” Do not be of malice mute; But “surrender” to your cousin In the customary way, And become the donee, dearest; Of an opal _negligée_.

I’ve a messuage--recent purchase-- Sixty-eight in Mortmayne Row, Title good, and unencumbered, Gas and water laid below; Come and share it, undisputed Owner of this heart in fee, Come and be my junior partner, And in time we both may see, Girls, fair copies of their mother, Boys, the counterpart of me.

* * * * *

* * * * *

“Brief let it be”--as the barrister said in his conference with the attorney.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LEGAL MAXIMS

(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._)

_Common Law._--“The tradition of ages shall prevail,” save when it runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily-paper.

_Equity._--(1.) “No right shall be without a remedy,” save when it is sentimentally suggested that somebody’s right may be somebody else’s wrong.

(2.) “Equity follows the law,” at such a distance that it never comes up with it.

(3.) “Equity is equality,” save when a man’s wife is literally his better half.

(4.) “Where there is equal equity the law must prevail,” in any view it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time being.

(5.) “Where the equities are equal the law prevails,” in any course it likes to pursue.

(6.) “Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done,” especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately finds himself sold.

_Contracts._--(1.) “All contracts are construed according to the intentions of the parties,” save where one of them subsequently changes his mind.

(2.) “The construction should be liberal” enough to suit the fancy of the Judge who enforces it.

(3.) “It should be favourable” to a long and angry correspondence in all the principal newspapers.

(4.) “The contract should in general be construed according to the law of the country where made,” but certainly not in particular.

(5.) “That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a written contract,” save when someone suggests that this practice shall be reversed.

(6.) “He who employs an agent does it himself,” unless it is considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter.

_Parent and Child._--“A father shall have the custody of his children,” except when they get beyond his control and defy his authority.

_Landlord and Tenant._--“A landlord has a right to receive his rent,” if the tenant does not spend the money on something else.

_Husband and Wife._--“A man has a right to the society of his wife,” when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere.

_Birthright of an Englishman._ (_Popular traditionally, but strictly speaking supplementary._)--“An Englishman’s house is his castle,” but only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income.

OLD FATHER ANTIC.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

We scoff at savages who bow down before strange idols, yet we invariably “worship” the bench.

* * * * *

“It is very odd,” said Serjeant Channell to Thessiger, “that Tindal should have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain as A B C.” “Yes,” replied Thessiger, “but of what use is it that it should have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?”

* * * * *

A THOUGHT IN THE DIVORCE COURT.--There is a wide difference between the judge ordinary and an ordinary judge.

* * * * *

CRIMINALS’ ASSURANCE SOCIETY

PROSPECTUS

(_Private and Confidential_)

It being considered in accordance with the spirit of the age, the march of intellect, and the principles of progress, that those persons who are unfortunate enough to come under the unfavourable notice of tribunals established in unenlightened times, should be enabled to avail themselves of systematic arrangements for defeating the coarse and selfish tyranny of the many, an association is in course of formation with the following objects:--

To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, being assured in the projected society, shall be afflicted by prosecutions.

To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being framed in favour of convicted persons, and designed to produce a popular impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen.

To procure other articles, in a graver tone, in which every mistake previously made by what is called justice shall be held up as an awful warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the laws into effect.

To collect, after verdicts have been given, every kind of gossip, rumour, or invention that can discredit the case for the prosecution, and to circulate such things as largely as possible by means of the Press.

To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who object to the special form of punishment that may have been awarded, and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted parties.

It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the irregular use of these and similar means a criminal trial will speedily be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds in favour of the ultimate escape of the assured will be very heavy indeed.

To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is unconstitutional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress, render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree.

A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued with assurance tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise forethought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with conventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life, may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder, manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garrotting, embezzlement, theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. The rates will be carefully calculated, and brought within the means of all.

Further information may be obtained either of Jonathan Wild, Esq., Solicitor, Field Lane; or of Messrs. Alibi, Dodge, & Crammer, Private Inquiry Office, Spy Corner, Dirtcheap.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LAWYER’S PRAYER.--The learned gentleman prayed a _tales_.

* * * * *

TRULY SWEET.--“When I am in pecuniary difficulties,” said a pensive bankrupt, “my garden, my flowers, all fresh and sparkling in the morning, console my heart.” “Indeed!” asked his sympathising friend. “I should have thought they would remind you of your trouble, for, like your bills, they are all over dew.”

* * * * *

UNFAIR!--The overcrowded state of our law courts necessitates in almost every case a well packed jury.

* * * * *

Written agreements should be drawn up as shortly as possible; for parties are sure to agree best between whom there are the fewest words.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A LAWYER’S CHORTLE

(_A long way after “The Throstle”_)

Vacation is over, vacation is over, I know it, I know it, I know it. Back to the Strand again, home to the Courts again, Come counsel and clients to go it.

Welcome awaits you, High Court of Justice, Thousands will flock to you daily. “You, you, you, you.” Is it then for you, That we forget the Old Bailey?

Jostling and squeezing and struggling and shoving, What else were the Courts ever made for? The Courts ’twixt the Temple and grey Lincoln’s Inn, They’re not yet entirely paid for!

Now till next year, all of us cry, We’ll say (for a fee) what we’re bidden. Vacation is over, is over, hurrah! And all past sorrow is hidden.

* * * * *

THE FEMALE PREROGATIVE COURT.--A woman’s will knows no codicil.

* * * * *

THE BEST PLACE FOR A POLICE-OFFICE.--Beak Street.

* * * * *

CRIMINAL.--Why is a prisoner’s time like an abominable joke? Because it’s past in durance.

* * * * *

* * * * *

“LAUGHTER IN COURT”

“Mr. Pickwick envied the facility with which Mr. Peter Magnus’ friends were amused.”--DICKENS.

SCENE--_Any Court_. TIME--_Any Trial_.

_Q. C._ What sort of a night was it?

_Witness._ It was dark. (_Laughter._)

_Judge._ My learned friend hardly expected the night to be light, I should think. (_Laughter._)

_Junior._ Perhaps m’lud, the learned counsel was thinking of a nightlight. (_Roars of laughter._)

_Q. C._ Well, we’ll take it that it was a dark night. You went out for a stroll?

_Witness._ No, I went for a walk.

_Judge._ At any rate the witness was walking about.

_Witness._ No, my lord, I wasn’t walking a “bout.” I was walking fast. (_Great Laughter._)

_Q. C._ You were walking fast. Now did you see anything?

_Witness._ I saw the prisoner.

_Q. C._ Well, tell us what he was doing.

_Witness._ He was doing nothing. (_Laughter._)

_Judge._ How did he do it? (_Renewed Laughter._)

_Witness._ Very busily, my lord. (_Laughter._)

_Junior._ Like a briefless barrister, m’lud. (_Roars of laughter._)

_Q. C._ Did he continue to do nothing long?

_Witness._ No; he soon seemed to get tired of it.

_Q. C._ What did he do then?

_Witness._ He went into a public-house.

_Q. C._ What for?

_Judge._ What does my learned friend go into a public-house for? (_Great Laughter._)

_Q. C._ Will you answer my question?

_Witness._ He went for some rum-shrub.

_Q. C. (proud of his acquaintance with slang, and with a knowing look towards the Junior Bar)._ It was a very “rum plant” the prisoner was engaged on.

[_Shrieks of laughter, during which the Court rose, being too convulsed to transact any further business._

* * * * *

* * * * *

NO COSTS.--If you want to enjoy the luxury of law for nothing, all you have to do is to prosecute an inquiry.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MY FIRST BRIEF