Part 2

A KNOWING BEGGAR.--A beggar posted himself at the door of the Chancery Court, and kept saying: “A penny please, sir! Only one penny, sir, before you go in!” “And why, my man?” inquired an old country gentleman. “Because, sir, the chances are, you will not have one when you come out,” was the beggar’s reply.

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Michaelmas Term--Legal Examination

INTRODUCTORY QUESTIONS.

_Q._ Mention some of the principal law books which you have studied?--_A._. Hoyle’s Laws of Whist, Cribbage, &c. The Rules of the Cricket Club; ditto of the Jockey Club.

_Q._ Have you attended any, and what, law lectures?--_A._ I have attended to many legal lectures, when I have been admonished by police magistrates for kicking up rows in the streets, pulling off knockers, &c.

COMMON LAW.

_Q._ What is a real action?--_A._ An action brought in earnest, and not by way of a joke.

_Q._ What are original writs?--_A._ Pothooks and hangers.

EQUITY AND CONVEYANCING.

_Q._ What are a bill and answer?--_A._ Ask my tailor.

_Q._ How would you file a bill?--_A._ I don’t know, but would lay a case before a blacksmith.

_Q._ What steps would you take to dissolve an injunction? _A._ I should put it into some very hot water, and let it remain there until it was melted.

_Q._ What are post-nuptial articles?--_A._ Children.

CRIMINAL LAW AND BANKRUPTCY.

_Q._ What is simple larceny?--_A._ Picking a pocket of a handkerchief, and leaving a purse of money behind.

_Q._ What is grand larceny.--_A._ The income-tax.

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BY A LAW STUDENT IN CHAMBERS

The days are gone when I used to seek Refreshment and fun in the Henley Week, But now all that is a thing of the past, The pace at the time was too good to last. Farewell to the straws and the flannel shirts, Farewell to the house-boats, launches, and flirts, Farewell to champagne cups and cigarettes, To the gloves and the sweet things lost in bets; In chambers, alas! I sit and groan, Slaving, and writing, and waiting alone. On parchment and paper with pen and ink I draw the draughts that I cannot drink. I’ll see if my chief is here … I’ll try.… He’s off! To Henley?… hem!--So am I!!

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THE MODERN CLUTCHES OF THE LAW

(_Fragment from a Criminal Romance_)

The burglar had so far been successful. He had broken open the safe and transferred its contents to his pocket without disturbing the household. He had come down the creaking stairs with less than the customary noise. He was in sight of the street door, which, once opened, passed, and closed, would lead to freedom.

It was a pleasant prospect.

“It will delight my wife and little ones,” he murmured. “With the proceeds of this night’s work I shall be able to take them a trip to the Continent.”

Then he walked forward and opened the street door. In a moment he was seized by mechanical hands, and found himself manacled.

“Confound it!” he cried; “I had forgotten that recently patented novelty--the automatic policeman!”

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DIVORCE MADE EASY

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

A writer in the _St. James’s Gazette_, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.

A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:--

1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife.

2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

3. If his wife’s brother borrows money of him.

4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.

5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast, she eats any of them.

6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly.

7. If she refers to it.

8. If she ever says, “My dear, I think we’ve heard that story before.”

9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story.

10. If she objects to smoking.

11. If she is not civil to _all_ his male friends.

12. And female ones.

There, sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend to the attention of this law-reformer. You will observe I have not included any _trivial_ reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the _St. James’s Gazette_ says, “should be as expeditious and inexpensive as possible.”

Yours faithfully,

A TENDER HUSBAND.

_Turtle-Dove Terrace._

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THE COUNSEL’S TEAR

If Faraday’s or Liebig’s art Could crystallise this legal treasure, Long might a pleader, near his heart, The jewel wear with chuckling pleasure.

The native brilliant, ere it fell, A squeeze produced in Walker’s eye, Which, winking, dropped the liquid “sell,” The spring of plausibility.

Nice drop of rich and racy light, In thee the rays of humour shine; Almost as queer, all but as bright, As any gem or joke of mine.

Thou fine effusion of the soul! That never fail’st to gain relief, Which barristers can ne’er control, When thou art like to help their brief.

The farce-wright’s and the jester’s theme In many a joke, on many a stage, Thou moisten’st Chitty’s arid theme, And Blackstone’s dry and dreary page.

That very lawyer, who a tear Can shed, as from the bosom’s source, With feeling equally sincere, Could weep on t’other side--of course.

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WHAT OUR ARTICLED CLERK SAID.--The chief lawyer of Turkey can never be a weak man, since every new law there is established by a firman.

[_We have transferred our A. C. to a provincial firm._

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“PENDENTE LITE.”--A chandelier.

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THE GREATEST OF THE “GREAT UNPAID.”--The National Debt.

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ADVICE TO CROWN LAWYERS.--Employ a hydropathic doctor, if you want to _pack_ a jury.

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HEIRS-AT-LAW.--Barristers’ wigs.

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PROPER DECORATION FOR A “BLOCKED” LAW COURT.--Bar-relief.

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SUNDAY OBSERVANCES.--See the Monday charges at the police courts.

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“A BOLT FROM THE BLUE.”--Running away from a policeman.

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PROOF OF THE INTEGRITY OF THE LAW.--The return of the Lent Assizes.

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LOVESUIT AND LAWSUIT.--Promise of marriage is like precious china--a man has so much to pay for its breakage.

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POLICE!--What tune would a person whistle who had been stealing milk? “Robin Adair,” eh? (_Robin’ a dairy!!!_)

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THE FORCE OF CONTRADICTION CAN NO FURTHER GO.--To make a _will_ is the _wont_ of every prudent man.

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DEFINITION OF THE BAR (_by an unlucky suitor_).--Silk, stuff, and nonsense.

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LITIGATION

Litigation-- To the lawyers brings elation, To the clients consternation, To the counsel animation, To the “devil” reputation, To the usher agitation, To the jury aggravation, To the witness indignation, To the judge consideration, To reporters expectation, To the loser lamentation, To the winner exultation, To the public information.

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LEGAL INTELLIGENCE.--A smart young articled clerk, hearing it stated by a lecturer that “man is merely a machine,” remarked, “Then I suppose an attorney may be said to be a suing machine.”

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A CASE TO WHICH A BARRISTER OBJECTS.--A fee-nominal one.

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“A BAR MESS.”--Recent difficulties about latitude of counsel in cross-examination.

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THE REAL NINE POINTS OF THE LAW.--Costs.

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OPEN TO CONVICTION.--A prisoner at the bar.

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DEFINITION OF “STUFF AND NONSENSE.”--A junior urging a ridiculous plea.

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THE WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE.--The treadmill.

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“CONTEMPT OF COURT.”--Neglecting to attend a Levée.

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A SAFE PRECAUTION.--No boating party should be without a lawyer. In case of accident, he is the man for ba(i)ling out the water.

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PLAYING AT DRAUGHTS.--The ventilation of our Law Courts.

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THE MOST LASTING STUFF FOR A SILK GOWN.--A Chancery suit.

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A BAR’S REST.--The Long Vacation.

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THE ONLY PROFESSION WHERE THERE _ISN’T_ “THE ‘DEVIL’ TO PAY.”--The legal.

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FACULTY OF ADVOCATES.--Speech.

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A LEGAL CONVEYANCE.--The police van.

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WANTED IN THE LAW COURTS

A junior who will wear his gown straight, and not pretend that intense preoccupation over dummy briefs prevents him from knowing that it is off one shoulder.

A judge who can resist the temptation to utter feeble witticisms, and to fall asleep.

A witness who answers questions, and incidentally tells the truth.

A jury who do not look extremely silly, and ridiculously self-conscious, when directly addressed or appealed to by counsel; or one that really understands that the judge’s politeness is only another and subtle form of self-glorification.

A K.C. who is not “eminent,” who does not behave “nobly,” and who can avoid the formula “I suggest to you,” in cross-examination; or one that does not thunder from a lofty and inaccessible moral altitude so soon as a nervous witness blunders or contradicts himself.

An usher who does not try to induce the general public, especially the female portion thereof, to mistake him for the Lord Chancellor.

A solicitor who does not strive to appear _coram populo_ on terms of quite unnecessarily familiar intercourse with his leading counsel.

An articled clerk who does not dress beyond his thirty shillings a-week, and think that the whole court is lost in speculation as to the identity of that distinguished-looking young man.

An associate who does not go into ecstasies of merriment over every joke or _obiter dictum_ from the Bench.

Anybody who does not give loud expression to the opinion, at the nearest bar when the court rises, that he could have managed the case for either or both sides infinitely better than the counsel engaged.

A court-house whose atmosphere is pleasant and invigorating after the court has sat for fifteen minutes.

(Anyone concerned who, on reading these remarks in print, will think that the cap can, by any _scintilla_ of possibility, fit himself.)

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OLD LAW COURT MEMORIES

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WHAT A BARRISTER MAY DO; AND WHAT HE MAY NOT DO

There seems to be at present a very considerable difference of opinion among the gentlemen of the Bar as to what may or may not be done by a barrister. We had some idea of publishing a small hand-book of _etiquette_ for the exclusive use of the gentlemen of the long robe; but as what is etiquette to-day may not be etiquette to-morrow, we feared the work would not possess the permanent utility which alone would recompense us for the labour of writing it. We have, however, drawn up a few general rules founded on our own observation as to what a barrister may do, and what he may not do, consistently with his professional dignity:--

1st. A barrister may be employed in inducing Members of Parliament to vote in favour of railway bills; _but_ he may not report for a newspaper.

2nd. A barrister may practise the “artful dodge” for the purpose of defeating the ends of justice; _but_ he must not enter an assize town in an omnibus.

3rd. A barrister may tout for a small judgeship; _but_ he will be very properly disbarred if he advertises his readiness to plead the cause of clients.

4th. A barrister may libel a rival candidate for an office in a “private and confidential” circular; _but_ he must not degrade himself by asking an attorney to dine with him on the circuit.

5th. A barrister may take a fee when he knows he cannot attend to the cause; _but_ he may not return the money, for his doing so would be very unprofessional.

6th, and lastly. A barrister may be a very honourable man; _but_ many things which professional _etiquette_ allows him to do, would be thought disgraceful and dishonest among ordinary people.

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A DELICATE DISTINCTION.--_Cross-examining Counsel (to fair witness)._ And is your name Aurelia Jessamine Jones?

_Fair Witness (after a pause)._ No, sir; but it ought to have been, only my god-parents were so ill-chosen.

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IMPORTANT SUITORS IN CHANCERY.--Having occasion the other day to visit the Chancery Offices, we discovered an announcement which we are surprised has not been more generally noticed, and we take no little credit to ourselves for being the first to give extended publicity to the important public directions to the unhappy suitors, who may have been wandering in the Court so many years. The information is contained in the following short announcement--“THE WAY OUT”--which we can assure our readers we have copied from an official notice stuck up in that Court.

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AN IMMEDIATE LANDLORD.--One who will not wait for his rent.

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LEGAL NOMENCLATURE.--Occasionally we hear of “running down cases” being tried. The unlearned in the law naturally inquire if these are actions for slander.

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PRISON THOUGHT.--“When’s a Christian,” said a poacher in gaol to himself, “sarved the same as a hare?--When he’s jugged like I be.”

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AN UNDER TENANT.--One who occupies a cellar.

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HAPPY RELEASE.--Paying off a mortgage.

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IN TWO WORDS.--Our police system and the housebreaker’s system--Bunglery and burglary.

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“LETTERS OF REQUEST.”--Begging epistles.

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OUTSIDE THE COUNTY COURT.--_Jenkins (to Jorkins, a debtor)._ What, only five bob a month! How _did_ you manage it?

_Jorkins._ Why, always addressed the judge as “My Lord,” of course.

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Pope asks: “Is there no bright reversion in the sky?” This is, clearly, a question which only a lawyer can answer.

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SONGS OF THE CIRCUIT

From Circuit to Circuit, although we may roam, Be it ever so briefless, there’s none like the Home; A fee from the skies p’rhaps may follow us there, Which, seek through the courts, is ne’er met with elsewhere. Home, Home, sweet sweet Home, There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.

When out on the Home, lodgings tempt you in vain, The railroad brings you back to your chambers again: On the Home the expenses for posting are small; Give me that--’tis the Circuit, the cheapest of all. Home, Home, sweet sweet Home, There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.

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LEGAL PUGILISM.--The Chancery Bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated at £5,000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a _pin’s_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_.

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THE JOLLY YOUNG BARRISTER

And did you not hear of a jolly young barrister, At the Old Bailey who used for to ply? He made out his case with such skill and dexterity, Twisting each fact, while he glozed o’er each lie. He stuck at nothing; and that so steadily, The felons all sought his aid so readily, And he saved from conviction so many a thief, That this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.

What sights of fine rogues he got off by his blarney; His tongue was so glib, and so specious withal, He was always retained by the great City forgers To Newgate from Mansion House sent, or Guildhall. And often the Press would be gibing and jeering, But ’twas all one to him, its carping and sneering; He’d swear black was white in behalf of a thief, So this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.

And yet, only think what strange morals have lawyers, The bar of such conduct think nothing at all; Whilst should any poor counsel report for a paper, “To Coventry with him!” that instant they call; From their mess they’ll expel him, he’ll find, to his sorrow; But they’ll dine with the housebreaker’s hireling to-morrow! Then hurrah!--though his client be swindler or thief,-- For the barrister never in want of a brief.

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SONG FOR DETECTIVES.--“_Let us speak of a man_ when _we find him._”

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THE LAY OF THE LITTLE BARRISTER

I’m a little barrister, taking little fees; Raising knotty little points, and signing little pleas; Making little motions in a little court; Causing by my speeches not a little sport.

I’m a little barrister, in my little wig, Feeling rather little, when looking very big; No one knows my modesty--but my little self, For I feel I’m little more than on a little shelf.

I’m a little barrister, in my little gown, Getting now, I must avow, not a little brown: As I’m called a junior you would little guess, I’m fifty and a little more--rather than little less,

I’m a little barrister, in my little home, Up to which at Camden Town I from chambers roam; With my little children climbing up my knee, As with a mutton chop I make a dinner of my tea.

Though annoyed with little notes demanding little bills, I do my little utmost to conquer little ills; But often to my countenance there comes a little smile, As I think that all our troubles last a very little while.

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LEGAL QUERY.--Is there any precedent for a good practical farmer being styled one of the judges of the land?

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LIFTS TO LAZY LAWYERS

_Q._ What are first fruits?

_A._ Rhubarb and little green gooseberries.

_Q._ When is it necessary to commence a fresh suit?

_A._ When the other has become too ventilating or seedy.

_Q._ What is a release?

_A._ To exchange the society of your ugly aunt for that of your pretty cousin.

_Q._ What is a clerical error?

_A._ Preaching a three hours’ sermon.

_Q._ What is a settlement of a conveyance?

_A._ When an omnibus smashes a cab.

_Q._ What is the master’s general report?

_A._ That wages are too high.

_Q._ Is “What’s that to you,” deemed a sufficient answer?

_A._ It may be, or may not; but it is likely to be excepted to for impertinence.

_Q._ Describe the meaning of the term _Nunc pro Tunc_.

_A._ It is the general exclamation you make when you are run against by a clumsy person. It generally has the word “stupid” added--_ex. gr._, “Now then, stupid!”

_Q._ Give an instance of a “similiter”?

_A._ You’re another!

_Q._ What is the meaning of “putting yourself upon the country?”

_A._ Going to the workhouse.

_Q._ Where is the Great Seal kept?