Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown: The Lighter Side of Bench and Bar

Part 1

Chapter 12,389 wordsPublic domain

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to “Punch,” from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF BENCH AND BAR

_WITH 120 ILLUSTRATIONS_

H. STACY MARKS, SIR JOHN TENNIEL, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, E. T. REED, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, A. S. BOYD, TOM BROWNE, G. D. ARMOUR, W. F. THOMAS, AND OTHERS.

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LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

STATING THE CASE

Mr. Punch has done his share towards bringing about various law reforms. We find him hammering away continually for many years at the Law’s delays, its costliness, its inconsistencies, and the evils he has satirised, the inconveniences he has laughed at have largely been remedied. He makes fun of the jesting judge and the bullying barrister, while he is genially amusing at the expense of the timid and blundering witness, and the youthful vanity or elderly pomposity of members of the bench and bar. He is rightly bitter now and then when he touches on the comparatively light sentences inflicted on audacious, but wealthy, swindlers, and the comparatively heavy penalties exacted from lesser, poorer, and more ignorant burglars and pickpockets; but in the main he devotes himself to the lighter side of law and justice and the professions that are concerned in its administration.

Here and there you come across echoes of famous law suits--of the Tichborne trial, the Parnell Commission; here and there you have reminders of Bradlaugh’s fight to get into Parliament without taking the oath; of the days when London was agitated by the Fenian scare and valorous householders were sworn in as special constables, and again when everybody passing into the law courts had to open his bag that the policeman on duty might be assured that he was not carrying a bomb inside it.

The reading matter is particularly apt and good; not a little of it was written by barristers in the intervals of waiting for briefs, and the writers were thus intimately acquainted with the grievances they ventilated, and were often suffering the hardships of the briefless themselves when they sat down to make fun of them.

MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN

OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENCE

NOVICE.--(_a_) Don’t, unless you want penal servitude for life. (_b_) Any respectable burglar. (_c_) We do not answer questions on chiropody in this column.

HARD UP.--_Brougham on Conveyances_ will explain whether your contract to purchase the motor-car is binding or not.

FARMER.--It is either an “escrow” or a scarecrow; impossible to state definitely without further information.

B. AND S.--There is no reduction (of the fine) in taking a quantity--generally the reverse.

TRAVELLER.--By travelling in the manner you describe, viz., under the seat, you render yourself liable to “stoppage _in transitu_,” and to completing the rest of your journey on foot “_in custodia legis_.” The authorities on this point are very clear. See _Constable’s Reports_, P.C. X. Y. Z., Vol. XIV., pages 72-85.

JUSTICE.--If the defendant lost, you, being plaintiff would win, and _vice versâ_. Consult a solicitor.

STUDENT.--Can only spare space for half your questions. “Aggravated assault” explains itself, an assault which aggravates or annoys you. “Damage fesant,” a badly shot pheasant. “Simple larceny,” taking an empty purse out of a pocket in which a sovereign is lying loose. “Misdemeanour” is of course the demeanour of an unmarried woman, or in plainer language, the airs she gives herself.

* * * * *

A BRIEF EXISTENCE.--A barrister’s.

* * * * *

THE LETTER OF THE LAW.--The “letter of the law” must be _x_. It expresses a quantity that is unknown.

* * * * *

A LAW SUIT.--Wig, gown, and bands.

* * * * *

HOW TO MAKE USE OF “THE BLOCK IN THE LAW COURTS.”--Try wigs on it.

* * * * *

GOOD LEGAL SECURITIES.--De-Benchers of Lincoln’s Inn.

* * * * *

THE BAR AND ITS MOANING

I am watching, I am waiting, And my hair is growing grey, For it is exasperating, That no business comes my way.

Other men in briefs may revel When successfully they plead, I am only a poor “devil,” Often worked but never fee’d.

E’en the bank-clerk in the city Has a salary that’s small, But we juniors, more’s the pity, Don’t make anything at all.

Living still on false pretences, Since the truth we dare not own, Some not earning their expenses If the facts were truly known.

And meantime the years are flying, Bringing changes p’raps for some, Not for me tho’; I’m relying On the practice that’s to come.

* * * * *

LEGAL MEM.--A barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar.

* * * * *

“A WINDING-UP CASE.”--A watch’s.

* * * * *

HELPFUL HINTS TO YOUNG BARRISTERS

* * * * *

LEGAL EDUCATION

The sons of lawyers, who are intended for their fathers’ profession, cannot too early become familiar with legal phrases and their meanings. Old nursery rhymes might easily be adapted for this purpose. For instance--

_Alibi_, baby, on the tree top, Proved ’gainst your foes, The case it will stop; When we suppose The evidence fall, Down goes the _alibi_, baby, and all.

II.

Dickory, dickory, dock, The burglar picks a lock, Police come down, Case for Crown, Dickory, dickory, _dock_.

III.

Goosey, Goosey, Gander, Whither do you wander? Up-stairs and down-stairs into Judges’ Chambers. Old Baron Longwigs, Finished his affairs, Puts him out his left leg, Puts him out his right leg, Puts him out his both legs and walks down-stairs.

IV.

Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief, Taffy came to my house, And stole a leg o’ beef. P’liceman went to Taffy’s house, Taffy wouldn’t own; Took him up to my house, Thence to Mary’bone.[1]

Ride a cab horse, Beyond Charing Cross, To see any lady get a divorce; Ring on her finger Still dully shows; Will she have music wherever she goes?

[1] _Subaudi, Police Court._

* * * * *

BREACH OF PROMISE

(_Left in the Hall of the Law Courts._)

The gentle genius of the night, Of course I mean Diana, Made me dilate with rapt delight To you, my fair Susanna. But please don’t think my words were true The moon played me a sorry trick, Beneath the sun I write to you, I merely was a lunatic. You’ve mulcted me to a pretty tune, I’ll have revenge--I’ll shoot the moon!

* * * * *

THE BARRISTER’S FAVOURITE HYMN.--“_‘Brief’ life is here our portion._”

* * * * *

LEGAL QUERY. _(From an Earnest Enquirer.)_--“Sir, I have often heard of _‘The Will of the Wisp.’_ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,

“COLNEY HATCHER, E. I.”

* * * * *

THE GAS COMPANIES’ LAWYER.--Coke.

* * * * *

TWO SORTS OF POLICE.--The Detective--and the Defective.

* * * * *

CRIMINAL QUERY.--Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?

* * * * *

THE LEGAL FRATERNITY.--Brothers-in-law.

* * * * *

LEGAL QUESTION.--What are the “_Benchers_” of our Inns of Court?

Persons so called from their persistent adherence to _legal forms_.

* * * * *

LEGAL “INSTRUMENTS.”--“Soft recorders.”

* * * * *

OLD SAYING (_By our own Detective_).--Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “_Thick_ as thieves.”

* * * * *

When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?

* * * * *

The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.

* * * * *

SITTINGS IN ERROR.--A pew in a Mormonite chapel.

* * * * *

LAW AND TIME.--A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.

* * * * *

CAUSE WITHOUT EFFECT.--An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.

* * * * *

A “COUNTER-CASE.”--Shop-lifting.

* * * * *

DIAMONDS OF THE CAPE.--Intelligent policemen.

* * * * *

INFORMATION WANTED.--At what time in the morning are barristers called?

* * * * *

NO JOKE FOR A JURY

O poor jury, boxed, poor jury, Three weeks odd, each day but one; Rose impatience not to fury Ere your weary task was done?

You were special, picked and chosen For the nonce, were you, indeed. But had one among your dozen, Business of his own to heed?

Put an artist on an action, Or a scribe as juror bind, How shall that man help distraction, From his duty, of his mind?

Thoughts of lost employment pressing He can chase not, nor control Fell anxiety, distressing, If it were to save his soul.

If your case needs comprehension, Litigants, your jury, then, Must, to give it due attention, Be composed of leisured men.

Swells in yachts life idly leading, Fishing, hunting, shooting, who Might, to work for bread not needing, Sing, “We’ve got no work to do.”

* * * * *

MARITIME LAW.--The law of libel does not apply to a “running down” case. The parties are not in the same boat.

* * * * *

QUESTION.--Can a process server legally be said to be a writualist?

* * * * *

QUESTION EVERY MAGISTRATE OUGHT TO ASK HIMSELF BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP.--“I wonder if I have committed myself in any way to-day?”

* * * * *

HOW TO PREVENT A CONSPIRACY FROM LEAKING OUT.--Let the plot thicken.

* * * * *

A MORAL PHENOMENON.--A barrister returning his fee.

* * * * *

BRIEFLESS THEORY.--’Tis practice makes the barrister perfect.

* * * * *

“AFTER YOU,” as the policeman ought to be allowed to say to the bubble-bank director.

* * * * *

LEGAL QUIBBLE.--A barrister should cultivate a good temper, if he would succeed as a cross-examiner.

* * * * *

IN A COUNTY COURT.--_Judge (to Mr. Pettiphog, plaintiff’s solicitor)._ I really cannot see that you have proved the defendant’s means.

_Mr. P. (excitedly, to defendant)._ No means! How did you get here, sir?

_Defendant._ I walked.

_Mr. P._ Where did you get the boots to walk in?

_Defendant._ I borrowed them.

_Mr. P. (triumphantly)._ On what security, sir, on what security?

_Defendant._ On the fact that you had taken up the case against me.

[_General merriment. No order._

* * * * *

BRIEF “BAGS.”--Short trousers.

* * * * *

DRINK FOR LAWYERS.--The Wool-sack.

* * * * *

THE POLICEMAN’S LADY-LOVE.--AR(e)ABELLA.

* * * * *

THE JURY STARVATION SYSTEM.--_Q._ What foreign institution does starving a jury approach the nearest to?

_A._ The Diet of Hungary.

* * * * *

AN EXPENSIVE CALL TO PAY.--A call to the Bar.

* * * * *

LEGAL INQUIRY.--If I buy a pair of trousers warranted to wear well, and they turn out a failure, should I, on bringing an action for damages, be “_non-suited_,” or could I counterclaim damages for “_breeches of promise_”?

* * * * *

BRIEF AUTHORITY.--A barrister’s.

* * * * *

THE DIVISION LIST.--Divorce Court causes.

* * * * *

CENTRE OF GRAVITY.--A judge in court.

* * * * *

THE BLOCK OF LEGAL BUSINESS.--The wig block.

* * * * *

TO PORTIA AT THE BAR

(“The first lady barrister has just taken the oath at Paris.”--_Daily paper_).

O Portia, many maids there are, Who wear their wigs as gaily As thou, appearing at the bar To take refreshers daily; They rustle too, in silk like thee With oft a clerk resplendent And, not infrequently you see, Solicitors attendant.

Their trade is legal--so is thine, Yet not their craft thou pliest, For they are in the liquor line And thou in law--the driest. But welcome, bar maid! hail to thee! Bright be thy lot and griefless! And may thy portion never be, Like this poor writer’s, briefless.

* * * * *

THE EYE OF THE LAW.--Policeman’s bull’s-eye.

* * * * *

MORE THAN A MIRACLE.--When a prisoner is “taken from the dock unmoved.”

* * * * *

SONG FOR MAGISTRATES.--“Let us speak of a man as we’ve fined him.”

* * * * *

LEGALISED PROVERBS

Where there’s a will there’s a law suit.

The successful lawyer is a man of actions.

Look before you leap into litigation.

The wise man keeps his own counsel, and the wise counsel keeps his own man.

Many a muddle makes a muckle for the lawyers.

No suit lasts longer than a suit in Chancery.

A conveyancer is never afraid of drafts.

A brief in the hand is worth two in a solicitor’s office.

’Tis better to have fought and lost than to have had no case at all.

Little plaintiffs have large fears.

The good solicitor is known by his good deeds.

Two heads, a leader and a junior, are better than one.

* * * * *

LAW FOR LADIES.--Why ought every lady nowadays to learn the legal doctrine concerning “wrong to the person”?

_Ans._ They ought to _learn_ it because it’s _tort_. (Ask any barrister!)

* * * * *

AT CONSCIENCE’ CALL

[“A POLICEMAN’S CONSCIENCE.--Police-Superintendent Roberts, of Torquay, has won a splendid reputation for impartiality. He even punishes himself for breaches of the law. The other night while cycling home from Brixham his lamp went out, and yesterday he appeared before the magistrate, in response to a summons issued by himself against himself. He said a clergyman spoke to him on the subject, and this brought the offence to his notice. He was fined 5s.”--_Daily Telegraph._]

* * * * *

SONG OF THE SLIGHTED SUITOR

Oh, where, and oh where is my learned counsel gone? He’s gone to the Queen’s Bench where a case is coming on, And it’s oh, in my heart, that I wish my case his own.

What fee, and what fee did your learned counsel clutch? Five guineas on his brief he did not think too much;-- And it’s oh! if he’s a barrister, I wish he’d act as such.

In what court, in what court is your learned counsel found? I cannot catch him anywhere, of all he goes the round;-- And it’s oh! in my heart, that to one I wish him bound.

What excuse, what excuse can your learned counsel make? None at all, none at all, but his head he’ll gravely shake, And it’s oh! in my heart, that the fee he’s sure to take.

* * * * *

CONVERSATION IN CHANCERY LANE.--_Dull Youth._ I say, what’s a legal digest?

_Bright Youth._ Why, you fool, it forms part of the legal course--for instance, every barrister, after he has eaten his terms, has to go through his digest!

* * * * *

A FIRM CONVICTION.--Transportation for life.

* * * * *

BAR GOLD.--Fees to counsel.

* * * * *

THE BEST GAME FOR JUNIOR BARRISTERS TO PLAY.--Follow my leader.

* * * * *

WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.--What is the difference between eating your words and eating your terms.

* * * * *