Part 4

When you go to a new place, your mistress will, perhaps, tell you the character of each child, that you may know how to manage their different tempers; but you will, of course, use your own discretion. If one is pointed out as a high-spirited little fellow, you may be sure that he is fond of killing flies, tying toys to the dog's tail, striking you, and crying, as if you had struck him, when he hears his mamma coming. If you are told that one of the dear boys has a turn for finding out how everything is made, and he must not be checked, as his papa intends him for a civil-engineer, you may be sure that the juvenile spirit of inquiry will be shown in pulling your work-box to pieces, unless you turn his attention to the furniture, which he should be encouraged to dissect in preference to any of your property.

When you have a baby to take care of, some say you should be particular in its food; but if the child cries you have no time for this, and you must stop its mouth with anything that comes handiest. Indiscriminate feeding is said to lay the foundation of diseases which remain with the child through life; but as you do not remain with the child so long, this is not your business. A nurse who knows thoroughly what she is about, will keep a little Godfrey's Cordial, or some other opiate, always at hand--but quite out of sight--to soothe the infant; for nothing is so distressing to the mother, or such a nuisance to yourself, as to hear a child continually crying. When there is only one infant these soothing syrups must be cautiously applied, lest the necessity for a nurse should terminate altogether, and you are thrown out of your situation.

An infant sometimes requires example before it will take to its food, and, as it is very nice, you may as well eat one half of it first, to encourage the infant to eat the other. Use sugar in children's food very sparingly, and, lest the infant be tempted to want some of the sugar that is saved out of the quantity allowed, lose no time in locking it up out of sight in your own tea-caddy. If you wish to save your beer-money, recollect that milk is heavy for children, unless mixed copiously with water. As nothing ought to be wasted, you can drink what remains, instead of beer, at your dinner.

There are many very troublesome duties that some nurses undertake in order to amuse the child; but as Nature is acknowledged to be the best nurse, you had better let Nature try her hand at all the hard work, while you confine yourself to that which is easy.

When a child reaches a certain age it will begin to want amusement, when, if there are no toys, you may give it the poker and tongs, or set it down on the floor before the coal-scuttle. Opening and shutting a box is also an amusement; as it involves occasionally the shutting in of the child's own fingers, the operation combines instruction also. As a child may be troublesome while being washed, give it the powder-puff; and as every thing goes to the mouth, the dear little thing will commence sucking the powder-puff, which will keep it quiet.

A very interesting age in children is when they begin "to take notice." When taking a walk with the children it cannot be expected that you can always have your eyes on _them_, and you must therefore accustom them to take care of themselves as much as possible. Besides, self-preservation is the first law of Nature, and a child cannot too soon be taught to follow it. Thus, if you are looking about you and the children get into the road, while a carriage is passing, you will probably not be aware of their danger, till it is past, when you will begin slapping and scolding your little charges that they may know better for the future.

It is a very fine thing to encourage generosity in children, and you should therefore talk a great deal about the presents you have received on birth-days and on other occasions from the little dears in the place where you last lived. This will of course give your mistress a hint as to what she ought to do. For the children will naturally ask to be allowed to make you presents, and the parents not liking to check the amiable feeling, and desirous of not being thought shabby in comparison with your former employers, will no doubt give--through the hands of the children--what you may have occasion for.

If you have nephews and nieces you may supply them with many little articles of dress that are pronounced to be "past mending." If your mistress notices that the stock of children's things diminish, you can suggest that "things won't wear for ever," which often passes as an apology for a sensible diminution in the number of socks and pinafores. You may observe that Master So-and-So is such "a spirited little fellow, that he does wear his things out very fast," and your mistress will be satisfied if she thinks her child's spirit has caused half his wardrobe to evaporate.

If you follow all these instructions to the letter, you will make as good a nursery-maid as the best of them.

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HINT TO HOUSEMAIDS.--How to destroy flies--encourage spiders.

THE LOST CHANCE

_New Maidservant (much pleased with herself)._ A gentleman called to see you, sir, and said as he were just leavin' town for some time. Knowin' as you didn't want to be disturbed this morning, I told him as you was _h_out--

_Master._ Quite right. (_To himself_) Sharp girl this!

_New Maid (cheerfully)_--and told him as I didn't know when you'd be back again. 'Is card's in the 'all, sir. He 'ave wrote somethin' on it.

[_She fetches it, returns, and presents it._

_Master (reads writing on card, then suddenly springing up, exclaims)_ Oh--(_stops the escape of a very strong expletive_)--How long ago?

_New Maid (cheerfully)._ Oh, quite a _h_our. There was luggidge on the cab.

_Master (subsiding hopelessly in chair, to Maid)._ You can go. (_Alone, grinding his teeth._) Confound the idiot! (_Reads card muttering to himself._) _Snooker Poole, Chork Cottage, Kew. "Called to repay coin personally. Sorry to miss you. So long!_" I shall never see my hundred and fifty again!... That's the worst of new servants!

[_He is left considering whether it would not be as well to alter the form of his instructions to the hand-maiden. Scene closes._

* * * * *

THE BOASTFULNESS OF BELINDA.--_Arabella (concluding the description of the magnificence of her employer's home)._ And in the servants' 'all we 'as 'ot plovers' heggs ev'ry mornin' for brekfist.

_Belinda._ That's nothin'. At hour 'ouse hall the fires is laid with reel sparrow-grass sticks instead of wood!

[_Arabella dries up._

SPRING-CLEANING HINTS

(_With acknowledgments to the "World and his Wife"_)

HOW TO MAKE OLD PICTURES LOOK NEW.

Many houses have pictures darkened with age which only need a little drastic treatment to make them as fresh and bright as new oleographs. The surface should first be soaked in a strong solution of hydrochloric acid and then rubbed with an old nail-brush. Any paint that should chance to be removed can easily be supplied by a local artist for a few pence. We heard of a Sir Joshua Reynolds which was treated like this the other day in its owner's absence, and on his return was mistaken by him for a Christmas supplement.

TO REVIVE KID.

Give the kid a stiff brandy-and-soda.

A PRETTY USE FOR OLD BOOTS.

It is a mistake to throw away old boots as useless, or to waste them on newly-married couples. A most charming effect can be obtained by planting a fern in the heel and hanging the boot from the ceiling in the window. Any kind of fern will do.

TO REMOVE STAINS ON THE CEILING.

The best thing to do is to re-whitewash the whole surface, which is done by lying on one's back on the top of the bookshelves and dabbing away steadily. But if the stain still shows through it is best to spill water systematically on the floor of the room above until you have stained the ceiling uniformly, leaving it a russet brown. After all, why should ceilings be white?

TO REDDEN LOBSTER.

Take a saucepan of boiling water and plunge the lobster in. It will emerge quite red and lovable.

TO RENOVATE BLACK LACE.

Wash in beer, beat between the folds of a linen cloth, and, when nearly dry, iron with a cool (not cold) iron. It is not advisable to drink the beer unless you are very thirsty. Good housewives find a way of getting it back into the kitchen cask.

TO REMOVE INK STAINS FROM THE FINGERS.

Fill your mouth with spirits of salt and then suck the fingers thoroughly.

TO REMOVE STAINED PATCHES FROM THE WALL PAPER.

This cannot be done. The only things to do are (_a_) re-paper entirely, or (_b_) re-arrange the furniture to hide the places.

TO REVIVE OSTRICH FEATHERS.

Soak the feathers in the best Australian wine (Emu brand), and then bury them up to the hilt in the sand. If the feathers still remain unconscious apply a hot-water bottle.

TO EXTRICATE MOTH FROM FUR.

Stimulate the moths by smelling-salts, and when they begin to show signs of activity remove the furs into a dark room lit by several strong wax candles. The moths will immediately quit the furs and rush into the flames of the candles.

TO REMOVE MARMALADE FROM VELVET.

Immerse in a lather of white soap in hot water, and, after rinsing and dabbing firmly for five minutes, apply benzoline with a nutmeg-grater. If the marmalade then refuses to go, send for the police.

HOW TO LIGHT A FIRE WITH CELLULOID COLLARS.

Heat the collar over a gas jet until it begins to crack, then apply a fusee and thrust the collar between the bars of the grate.

THE AMENDE HONOURABLE

Quoth Will, "On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes." "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid-- She pays for all she breaks."

A "TIMES" QUERY ANSWERED

Say, "_Who controls Policeman X?_" Why, look'ee, He--so devoted to the sex, And ever wary Near an "airy"-- Is oft controlled by "Cooky."

CRUCIAL QUESTIONS

_For both sexes at various ages_

AT FIVE.

_She._ Will my new doll open and shut her eyes?

_He._ Off to a party! Will they have mince-pies?

AT TEN.

_She._ Will pretty Master Smith be there this time?

_He._ Will Uncle take me to the pantomime?

_She._ Will Mamma let me wear my hair in curl?

_He._ I say, how many l's are there in "girl"?

AT FIFTEEN.

_She._ Will he give me or Fan the first round dance?

_He._ Will our chaps at the wickets have a chance?

_She._ Will my next dress be made with longer skirts.

_He._ Hoisted? O crikey! Wonder if it hurts?

_She._ Did that sly Fanny hear him call me "dear"?

_He._ I wonder if this "weed" will turn me queer?

AT TWENTY.

_She._ Will Papa think dear Percy's "screw" too small?

_He._ Does this moustache mean to come on at all?

_She._ Was it my eyes with which he seemed so struck?

_He._ Is it a "pass," I wonder, or a "pluck"?

_She._ I wonder whether _He_ will "pop" tonight?

_He._ I wonder whether _She_ will answer right?

AT TWENTY-FIVE.

_She._ Shall I, oh shall I, have a chance this season?

_He._ A stiffish total! Will there be a breeze on?

_She._ Quite pale! Shall I put on the _tiniest_ touch?

_He._ Most brilliant! Wonder if she rouges much?

_She._ Not a bad figure! Has he any tin?

_He._ Backed "Slowboy" for a pot! D'ye think he'll win?

_She._ Long dress bill! Shall I get into hot water?

_He._ Can I stave off old Snip another quarter?

AT THIRTY.

_She._ Will the new curate be engaged or not?

_He._ Close thing! Shall I have nerve to make the shot?

_She._ Is flirting _really_ now a sort of sinning?

_He._ Is my neat middle parting _really_ thinning?

_She._ Now shall I get a partner for this dance?

_He._ Old Boodles leaving! Shall _I_ have a chance?

_She._ Engaged at last! Now _will_ he keep a carriage?

_He._ That's done! How shall I like the yoke of marriage?

AT FORTY.

_She._ When _will_ the major come up to the scratch?

_He._ Fat, _plain_ and forty! Shall I risk the match?

_She._ Is that a tinge of red about my nose?

_He._ Does the grey show--unless one looks too close?

_She._ Could I get on those "sixes" at a pinch?

_He._ Must I allow the vest another inch?

_She._ Did Lady Linda mean that as a snub?

_He._ Will they blackball me at the Buffers' Club?

_She._ Is the dear fellow right about confession?

_He._ How stands my chance if they dissolve this session.

AT FIFTY.

_She._ Will Flora hook the wealthy cotton-spinner?

_He._ Must I drop drinking port wine after dinner?

_She._ Not meet! Great Heavens! Am I getting _stout_?

_He._ By Jingo, was that twinge a touch of gout?

_She._ _Did_ he mean anything by that warm glance?

_He._ Shall I have "go" to get through this round dance?

_She._ Will it be Brighton or the Continent?

_He._ My dear, _can_ that last cheque be wholly spent?

AT SIXTY.

_She._ Will Lady Jane before those Jones's bow?

_He._ Shall I, I wonder, get my knighthood now?

_She._ Doctor, dear doctor, what _does_ ail my back?

_He._ Will Lord Fitz-Faddle give that berth to Jack?

_She._ Is Nelly really sweet on _that_ young Brown?

_He._ Are Costa Ricas going up or down?

_She._ He seemed so sparkish! Is it _quite_ too late?

_He._ Dull, this! _Am_ I too old a bird to mate?

* * * * *

OUTRAGE ON GOLDSMITH

(_By a sleepy housemaid, concerning missus_)

She rings us up at 7, till 10 she lies-- "More bent to raise the wretched, than to rise."

* * * * *

CUTTING!--_Host._ "What bin did you put that Marsala in, Muggles?"

_New Butler._ "In the--ah--dust-bin, sir!!"

* * * * *

SOCIAL GARDENING.--Cultivating an acquaintance.

* * * * *

_Q._ What's the difference between a fraudulent Bank Director and a Servants' Registry Office?

_A._ The former cooks books, the latter books cooks.

* * * * *

THE SUBLIME.--The fashions of this season.

THE RIDICULOUS.--The fashions of last season.

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MUFFS AND MARQUISATES

Lord M's a muff; but shrewd mammas determine Muffs _have_ a value when they're trimmed with ermine!

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THE BEST FRENCH EXERCISES FOR GIRLS.--A series of practical studies in cookery _à la Française_.

* * * * *

CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.--_Fair Parishioner._ "And do you like the pulpit, Mr. Auriol?"

_The New Curate._ "I do not. Er--it hides too much of the figure, and I like every shake of the surplice to tell!"

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.

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Transcriber's Notes

Typographical errors have been silently corrected.

Variations in spelling, hyphenation and accents are as in the original.

Italics are shown thus _italic_.