Part 2

_Mr. B._ "Yes, if you like. I'll sing one just before I go."

_Hostess_. "Well, _do_ sing _now_, and perhaps Miss Slowboy will accompany you."]

* * * * *

_Mistress._ "Did Mrs. Brown say anything when you told her I was out?"

_Maid._ "Yes, 'm. Mrs. Brown, mum, said, 'Thank Heaven!' mum."

* * * * *

OUT OF HER ELEMENT.--The last place which you would expect a woman to like is--a stillroom.

* * * * *

"CUISINE."--_Mistress._ "Susan, we're thinking of having a pig's head boiled for dinner. You understand it, I suppose?"

_Cook._ "Oh no, m'um. I told you before I came I didn't understand game!"

* * * * *

"IN THE QUEEN'S NAME."--_Martha the Cook (to Lizzy the Housemaid)._ "'Ere's an 'orrible mistake. In 'is subscripshion list the heditor 'as spelt your name with a "hi" and a "he" instead of a "y.""

"THE FROGS" AT OXFORD.

SCENE--_Parlour of Private House, Oxford._ TIME-_Quite recently. Cook wishes to speak to her Mistress._

_Cook._ Please, 'm, I should like to go out this evening, 'm, which it's to see them Frogs at the New Theayter.

_Mistress._ But it's all Greek, and you won't understand it.

_Cook._ O yes, 'm. I once saw the Performin' Fleas, and they was French, I believe, leastways a Frenchman were showin' of 'em, and I understood all as was necessary.

[_After this, of course she obtains permission._

* * * * *

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Cook (to Vicar's Wife)._ "And what's to be done with the sole that was saved yesterday, ma'am?"

* * * * *

_Bucolic Boot-boy._ "I say, Sarah, wotever be a creematorium?"

_Metropolitan Maid._ "Oh, you _are_ an ignorant boy! Why, it's French for a milkshop, of course!"

LADY HELPS

On this subject much nonsense has been written. They are quite as suitable (perhaps more so than otherwise) to the cottage as to the castle. The cottage need not have a name spelt with a Celtic series of dissonant consonants. A few hints may be advisable to the numerous "Lady Helps" at present in the market.

A Lady may efficiently help the mistress of the household to snub her husband, by adroitly echoing (and improving) the said mistress's remarks of a personal character.

A Lady may help the Cook to produce an original dinner, by suggesting fresh combinations, which will make the said Cook indignant, and even furious.

A Lady may help the Butler effectually, by decanting the '45 port, and shaking it a little first as you would Daffy's Elixir.

A Lady may help the visitors to the house by reading all the letters that may chance to be thrown aside, and taking advantage of any private intelligence they contain.

A Lady may help the master of the house by a flirtation in the library, while the mistress is away on a round of visits.

A Lady may help the daughters to quiet talks in the Park with ambitious Curates.

A Lady may possibly help the son and heir to--herself.

You see, there are ladies and ladies, as there are _fagots et fagots_, and _Mr. Punch_ has his suspicions of the Lady Helps of the future.

* * * * *

ADVICE TO SERVANTS OF ALL WORK.--"Learn to labour and to wait."

* * * * *

HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Husband (devoted to spouse and bridge)._ What shall we christen the little dear?

_Wife (still more devoted)._ I've been thinking--why not--_Bridget?_

_Husband (delighted)._ By all means. For luck.

* * * * *

"HARD LINES."--_Mistress (to former Cook)._ "Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?"

_Ex-Cook._ "Well, mum, as you wouldn't give me no character, I've been obliged to marry a soldier!"

HOW TO GROW A PINK OF FASHION

This Pink must be planted in the most aristocratic soil. The mould should be the very mould of form. It grows mostly in the open air, and Belgravia may be looked upon as the great nursery for these Pinks. Several favourable specimens, also, have been reared at the theatres, the Italian and French operas, and similar fashionable forcing houses. It is met with in great profusion at the balls of the nobility. The latter specimen, however, cannot bear the daylight. It is put into a hot bed the first thing when carried home in the morning, and there it remains closed up and almost dead until the evening, when it just begins to lift its drooping head. It is about twelve o'clock at night that it is seen to the most blooming advantage. Your Pink of Fashion is watered with a liquid called champagne, and, if it is at all faint, a little piece of chicken and ham, and a few crumbs of bread, applied to the mouth of the delicate flower, will revive it wonderfully. It is a very tender plant, though it has been known to bloom for two or three seasons. The greatest care, however, is requisite to keep it from the cold, for its beauty is so sensitive, that the slightest neglect will nip it in the bud. The Pink is of several colours, but the white with a beautiful maiden blush is the specimen the most preferred. This Pink usually carries its head very high, and, though not distinguished for any particular amount of scents, still it is eagerly taken in hand in society for its (s)talk. The Pink of Fashion is mostly single, but cases of double Pinks have been recorded. The double (or married) Pink, however, does not excite one half the interest of the one that is single.

THE SERVANTS' COLLEGE

Mr. Punch rejoices to hear that "the greatest plague of life" has a slight chance of being abated by the establishment of a College for Servants, who will be educated in the most careful way to do justice to their employers--the main idea being that most lucidly stated by the Dean of Saint Patrick's, that it is the chief duty of every servant to ascertain the full amount of his master's income, and to spend the whole of it on his own department. Having been favoured with an early copy of the subjects with which the courses will commence, _Mr. Punch_ is glad to give to this useful undertaking the advantage of his worldwide publicity.

CLASS 1. _Lady Housekeepers._--"How to manage a widower with young children. In three heads: 1, Domestication; 2, Flirtation; 3, Temptation."

CLASS 2. _Cooks._--"How to make the kitchen-fire too hot for the missus, and too cool for the sirloin."

CLASS 3. _Butlers._--"How to substitute Marsala for Madeira, and _Vin ordinaire_ for Château-Lafitte."

CLASS 4. _Lady's-Maids._--"How to look much prettier than the young ladies when there are visitors in the house."

CLASS 5. _Footmen._--"How to make a fortune out of six feet two in height, and calves nineteen inches round."

CLASS 6. _Men and Wives._--"How to keep their quarrels to themselves, and feed their 'incumbrances' in the neighbourhood."

CLASS 7. _Coachmen and Grooms._--"How to make the corn supplied to the stables more useful than if wasted on dumb animals."

CLASS 8. _Housemaids._--"How to train that noble animal, the harmless necessary cat, to break glass and snap up unconsidered trifles."

It can scarcely be doubted, from this preliminary syllabus of lectures, that the new Institution will do much for the comfort, economy, and refinement of our households.

* * * * *

"CHAMBER MUSIC."--Baby!

THE MODERN WOMAN'S VADE MECUM

_Question._ Do you agree with a certain female lecturer, that it is the duty of the fair sex to captivate the other?

_Answer._ Certainly, as cleverness need not be divorced from fascination.

_Q._ You do not object, then, to brains in the abstract?

_A._ No; but as some men have a horror of the blue-stocking, I would cover fine heads with pretty toques.

_Q._ And if a woman has literary tastes, what would you advise?

_A._ That part of her reading should be devoted to the fashion journals, and she should not sacrifice her toilette to her intellect.

_Q._ What is your opinion about latchkeys, visits to the music-halls, and cigarettes?

_A._ That, from a man's point of view, they are played out, and consequently should be abandoned by man's would-be help-mate.

_Q._ What do you think of glasses?

_A._ That, when necessary, they should take the shape of a pince-nez, as it is more becoming than spectacles.

_Q._ Then, before marriage, what should be your treatment of man?

_A._ I should do all I can in my power to please him.

_Q._ And after the nuptial knot had been tied, what then?

_A._ That, as Mr. Rudyard Kipling would observe, is quite another story.

* * * * *

NEW RULES FOR "PIT"

[_On the authority of the Athenæum Club_]

(1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the ground, and the cards shall be of metal not less than ¼ inch thick, with rounded corners.

(2) Any player who speaks in such an audible voice that the position of the roof is altered shall be forced to make the damage good.

(3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-trumpet of any kind.

(4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by players who have formed a "corner," and desire to communicate this fact to other players.

(5) If a player has called "corner," and is found to have only eight similar cards in his hand, the game shall be continued without him. His remains may be removed at leisure.

(6) "Progressive Pit" with more than four tables shall only be played in a house which is at least five miles in any direction from other inhabited buildings.

(7) No person who is not a player shall approach while a game is in progress, except in the case when a player faints across the table and so obstructs the play.

* * * * *

SPRING CLEANING

[SCENE--_Spring Gardens._ _Enter Algy_, L.H., _meeting Frankie as he strolls in_, R.H.]

_Algy._ Hallo, old boy! (_Greeting_) I've just had my house papered and painted inside and out.

_Frankie._ Indeed! And--er--(_struck by the novelty_) what sort of paper did you have put _outside_?

[_Exit Algy_, R.H., _and Frankie_, L.H. _Scene closes._

* * * * *

ANSWER TO MARY ANNE.--The needle-gun is not threaded with gun-cotton.

PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS

PRELIMINARY CHAPTER

Betty, "first catch your fish," is a golden rule for a cook, and first catch your situation is a very necessary piece of advice to be given to servants in general. The choice of a mistress requires as much judgment as the choice of poultry; and you should be careful not to pick out a very old bird in either case. The best market to go to in order to suit yourself is a servants' bazaar--as it is called--where mistresses are always on view for servants to select from. On being shown up to a lady, you should always act and talk as if you were hiring her, instead of wanting to be hired. You should examine her closely as to the company she keeps, and the number of her family; when, if there is any insuperable objection--such as the absence of a footman, a stipulation against perquisites, a total prohibition of a grease-pot, or a denial of the right of visit, by a refusal to allow followers--in either or all of these cases, it will be as well to tell "the lady" plainly that you must decline her situation. It is a good general rule to be the first to give a refusal, and, when you find you are not likely to suit the place, a bold assertion that the place will not suit you, prevents any compromise of your dignity. If you like the appearance and manner of the party requiring your assistance, but with some few concessions to be made, the best way to obtain them will be by declaring that you never heard of any "lady" requiring--whatever it may be that you have set your face against. By laying a stress on the word "lady," you show your knowledge of the habits of the superior classes; and as the person hiring you will probably wish to imitate their ways, she will perhaps take your hint as to what a "lady" ought to do, and dispense with conditions, which, on your authority, are pronounced unlady-like. If a situation seems really desirable, you should evince a willingness, and profess an ability, to do anything, and everything. If you get the place, and are ever called upon to fulfil your promises, it is easy to say you did not exactly understand you would be expected to do this, or that; and as people generally dislike changing, you will, most probably, be able to retain your place.

When asked if you are fond of children, you should not be content with saying simply "yes," but you should indulge in a sort of involuntary, "Bless their little hearts!" which has the double advantage of appearing to mean everything, while it really pledges you to nothing. Never stick out for followers, if they are objected to; though you may ask permission for a cousin to come and see you; and as you do not say which cousin, provided only one comes at a time, you may have half-a-dozen to visit you. Besides, if the worst comes to the worst, and you cannot do any better, there is always the police to fall back upon. By-the-way, as the police cannot be in every kitchen at once, it might answer the purpose of the female servants throughout London, to establish police sweeps, on the principle of the Derby lotteries, or the Art-Union. Each subscriber might draw a number, and if the number happened to be that of the policeman on duty, she would be entitled to him as a _beau_, during a specified period.

Always stipulate for beer-money, and propose it less for your own advantage than as a measure of economy to your mistress, urging that when there is beer in the house it is very likely to get wasted. You will, of course, have the milk in your eye, when proposing this arrangement.

Tea and sugar must not be much insisted on, for they are now seldom given, but this does not prevent them from being very frequently taken.

Having said thus much by way of preliminary advice, we commence our guides to service with

THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK

On arriving in your new place you get from the servant who is going away the character of your new mistress. She has already had yours, and you have a right to know hers, which, as it is given by a domestic who is most probably discharged, will, of course, be a very bad one.

When your predecessor has taken her departure, your mistress may, perhaps, come into the kitchen and tell you what you will have to do, or, at least, a part of it. She will show you the bells, and tell you which is the house bell, which the parlour bell, which the drawing-room bell, and which are the bells of the different bed-rooms; but she will not tell you how you are to answer them when they are all ringing at once, which may occasionally happen. As it will probably be late when you arrive, you will have to carry up the tray for supper, when you will be stared at, and scrutinised as the new servant, by the whole of the family. Let us now look at your wardrobe. Two of each article will be enough, for if the washing is done once a week you have a change; but if only once in three weeks, you must contrive to supply yourself with the smaller articles, such as stockings and pocket handkerchiefs, from the family stock of linen.

As a maid-of-all-work, you have the great advantage of being a good deal alone, and can therefore indulge in the pleasures of philosophy. You can light the fires, and think of Hobbes. Fasten the hall-door, and recollect some passage in Locke. Or broil the ham for breakfast while wrapped up in Bacon.

You should rise early if you can, but if you cannot you must make up for it by hurrying over your work as quickly as possible. As warm water will be wanted upstairs, don't stop to light the kitchen fire, but throw on two or three bundles of wood, and set them all burning at once, when you will have some hot water immediately. Run into the parlour and open the shutters, light the fire, cut the bread and butter, clean the shoes, make the toast; and when this is on the table, devote any time you may have to spare to sweeping the carpet.

Now, the family having gone down to breakfast, you may light the kitchen fire, and then run up and make the beds. After which you may sit down to your own breakfast, having previously, of course, taken the opportunity of helping yourself to tea and sugar from the tea-caddy.