Part 1

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day

MR. PUNCH AT HOME

MR. PUNCH AT HOME

THE COMIC SIDE OF DOMESTIC LIFE

AS PICTURED BY

F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, C. SHEPPERSON, DAVID WILSON, FRED PEGRAM, GUNNING KING, L. RAVENHILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, A. W. MILLS, G. L. STAMPA, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, AND OTHERS

_WITH 130 ILLUSTRATIONS_

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

IN SLIPPERED EASE

Just because MR. PUNCH is eminently representative of all our national characteristics is he something of a good old-fashioned Philistine in his domestic circle. We find him, in his notions of home life, distinctly partial to the cosy comfort that is associated the world over with "The Englishman's Castle." He enjoys the delights of his own fireside, the pleasures of his table, the society of his womenkind, the casual visits of his friends, no less, and perhaps much more, than the formal functions to which the phrase "At Home" is also applied.

"Mr. Punch at Home" is in a sense the complement of "Mr. Punch in Society." It touches on musical evenings, dances, the social life generally, but more particularly the domestic side of it--the servant difficulty, the humours of the kitchen and the butler's pantry. It gives glimpses of home life in the country as well as in town; among the poor as well as among the rich; in flats and lodgings as well as in suburban villas and the mansions of the West End.

John Leech dealt largely with the servant girl trouble, but as many of his jokes were topical and have lost most of their point with the passing of the topic, and as others have an old-fashioned air with them and are not so smart or so pointed as those by later artists, preference has been given to the moderns.

MR. PUNCH AT HOME

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"You remember that party at Madam Gelasma's, to hear Joachim, Rubinstein, and the Henschels, and De Soria--quite a _small_ party?"

"No; I wasn't there!" "No? Ah--well--it _was_ very select!"

* * * * *

THE GREATEST QUESTION OF THE DAY.--"My dear, what will you have for dinner?"

* * * * *

OUR WHIST PARTY.--_Major MacFlush_ (_at close of rubber, to partner_). Didn't ye see me call for trumps?

_Partner_ (_a new hand_). You may have called, Major, but I never heard you!

* * * * *

UNDESIRABLE BRIC-A-BRAC.--Family jars.

* * * * *

MEM. FOR YOUNG HOUSEWIVES.--To make both ends meet--burn the candle at 'em.

* * * * *

"PLEASANT it is when the woods are green," as paterfamilias observed when all the doors in his new villa took to warping.

* * * * *

THE DEAR THINGS.--_He._ You know Jones's wife, an old schoolfellow of yours; tell me, is she musical?

_She (her dearest friend)._ I should say decidedly not, or she wouldn't be so fond of hearing the sound of her own voice.

* * * * *

THE KITCHEN-RANGE-FINDER.--The policeman!

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE LADY OF THE HOUSE.--Don't worry about trifles; make a blanc-mange.

* * * * *

_Visitor._ "Do you have any difficulty in getting servants?"

_Hostess._ "None whatever. We've had ten different ones in the last month!"

* * * * *

WANTED!

The Lady and Gentleman Help Association can find excellent positions for--

A Lady Help with twenty thousand a year, who can help her husband to enjoy existence.

A Lady Help with deft fingers, who can open oysters, peel walnuts and prawns, and make toast.

A Lady Help who can draft a speech that will suit an ex-Secretary of State at a Social Science Congress.

A Lady Help who can do the same for a mild and moderate Bishop at a Church Congress--extra wages will be given for assistance in the composition of charges.

A Lady Help who can drive Four-in-Hand, for a coach to be started from Hatchett's Hotel to Coventry.

A Lady Help who is absolutely helpless--none need apply unless they can show that they are good for nothing.

Also--

A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and comb their hair carefully.

A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars, and assist in smoking them.

A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing machine and a private apparatus for the distillation of whiskey.

A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan of Turkey to pay the interest on his debts.

A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of the weather to turn on a little more sunshine.

* * * * *

AT THE SMITHSON'S DANCE.--_Young Innocent._ "I beg your pardon, did I tread on your foot that time?"

_Sweet Girl (very sweetly)._ "Oh, no, not _that_ time!"

* * * * *

"MARY, there's three months' dust in the drawing-room!"

"That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've only bin here a fortnight!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill)._ "Has he had any lucid intervals?"

_Mrs. Perkins (with dignity)._ "'E's 'ad nothink except what you ordered, Doctor!"

* * * * *

WHY, NATURALLY.--"Cook, ought I to write Salvation Army in _converted commas_?"

* * * * *

ORTHODOX.--_The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going round his new parish)._ "Of course, you observe Lent, Mrs. Rickyard?"

_Mrs. Rickyard._ "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev pancakes o' Shrove Tuesday!"

* * * * *

AN EXCUSE.--_Mistress._ "Another breakage, Jane? And a wedding present, too! How ever did you do it?"

_Jane (sobbing)._ "They al--ways break--when I--drop 'em!"

* * * * *

APPRECIATIVE.--_Amateur Tenor._ "I shall just sing one more song, and then I shall go."

_Sarcastic Friend._ "Couldn't you go first!"

* * * * *

"ENTERING THE SOCIAL CIRCLE."--Making the first cut into a round of beef.

* * * * *

_He._ "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has--like spun gold!"

_She (her rival)._ "Yes--fourteen carrot."

* * * * *

* * * * *

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Tomlinson._ "Good-bye, Miss Eleanora----"

_Miss Eleanora._ "But you've _already_ said good-bye to me, Mr. Tomlinson?"

_Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech)._ "Have I, really? Well, one can't do a pleasant thing too often, you know!"

* * * * *

FELINE AMENITIES.--_Fair Hostess (who is proud of her popularity)._ "Yes; I flatter myself there's not a door-bell in the whole street that's so often rung as mine!"

_Fair Visitor._ "Well, dear, _I_ had to ring it _five times_!"

* * * * *

BACHELOR HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Brown._ "Pray, Jane, what on earth is the reason I am kept waiting for my breakfast in this way?"

_Jane._ "Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the house!"

_Mr. Brown._ "Now, upon my word! How can you annoy me with such trifles? No _bread?_ then bring me some _toast_."

[_Exit Jane in dismay._

HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.

_To destroy black-beetles._--Turn a pack of fox-hounds into the kitchen.

_To cure smoky chimneys._--Discontinue fires.

_To get rid of ghosts._--Use disinfecting fluid copiously.

_To expel dry-rot._--Soak the places affected with the finest dry sherry.

_To get the servants up early in the morning._--Send them to bed early at night.

_To revive the fire._--Tie up the front-door knocker in a white kid glove.

_To prevent the beer going too fast._--Possess the key to the mystery.

_To avoid draughts._--Don't take any.

_To destroy moths._--Collect butterflies.

_How to keep plate clean._-Wrap it up in silver paper.

_How to dispose of old newspapers._--Put them into the brown study.

* * * * *

THE MOST CONTINUOUS BREAK WE KNOW. Our housemaid's.

* * * * *

LATIN AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.--_Sursum-corda_--"I double hearts."

* * * * *

STIRRING EVENT.--Mixing a plum-pudding.

* * * * *

SENTIMENT FOR THE SERVANTS' HALL.--May we never smell any powder but what is white!

* * * * *

GOOD KNIFE FOR FRUIT.--"_Le Sabre de mon Pear._"

* * * * *

KITCHEN DRESSERS.--Fine cooks.

* * * * *

SELF-RESPECT.--_Cook (to fellow-servant who has been after a new place)._ "Well, 'Liza, will it suit?"

_Eliza._ "Not if I knows it! Why, when I got there, blest if there wasn't the two young ladies of the 'ouse both a-usin' of one piano at the same time! 'Well,' thinks I, 'this _his_ a comin' down in the world!' So I thought I was best say good mornin'!"

* * * * *

THE BACK-DOOR BELL.--A pretty kitchen maid.

* * * * *

NOT SO BAD AS THEY SEEM.--Mistresses show more consideration for their servants than is generally supposed. Not long ago Mrs. Fidgitt was heard telling Mary Ann that she had been scouring the whole house for her.

* * * * *

HOW WE ARRANGE OUR LITTLE DINNERS.--

_Mistress._ "Oh, cook, we shall want dinner for four this evening. What do you think, besides the joint, of ox-tail-soup, lobster patés, and an entrée--say, beef?"

_Cook._ "Yes,'m--Fresh, or Austr----?"

_Mistress._ "Let's see? It's only the Browns--tinned will do!"

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR A SERVANTS' HALL.--"They also serve who only stand and wait."--_Milton._

* * * * *

"COOK'S" EXCURSIONIST.--Her policeman on a trip.

* * * * *

SWEET SIMPLICITY.--_Visitor._ "Jane, has your mistress got a boot-jack?"

_Maid-of-all-work._ "No, sir; please, sir, I clean all the boots, sir!"

* * * * *

EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife (engaging manservant)._ And can you wait at dinner?

_Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've done.

* * * * *

UNCONSCIOUSLY APPROPRIATE.--_Jane._ 'Allo, Hemma, what are yer a-crying about?

_Hemma._ Missus 'as given me the sack because I knocked over some of them hornaments she calls "break-a-break."

* * * * *

_Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice)._ "Oh, certainly! You can go, of course; but, as you have been with me for nine years, I should like to know the reason?"

_Thomas._ "Why, sir, it's my _feelins_. You used always to read prayers, sir, yourself--and since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin a-reading of 'em. Now I can't _bemean_ myself by sayin 'Amen' to a guv'ness."

* * * * *

THE FORCE OF HABIT.--Our coachman, when he waits at table, always commits the same fault: he whips away the plates too soon.

* * * * *

NEW VERSION.--It was the reflection of a thoughtful hall-porter that the self-denying man must be the man who says he is not at home when he is.

* * * * *

A DISCHARGE WITHOUT A REPORT.--A servant dismissed without a character.

* * * * *

DIAGNOSIS.--"Is the rector better to-day, Jarvis?"--"No, sir; not any better, sir!"

"Has he got a _locum tenens_?"--"No, sir. Same old pain in the back!"

BELGRAVIAN MAXIMS

BY A FASHIONABLE VALET.

The real essence of a gentleman is perfume.

You know the snob by his hands--the gentleman by his boots.

It is easier to pardon a hole in a person's manners than one in his coat.

In the noblest park there are mushrooms.

One grows rich, but one is born elegant.

With men, as with monuments, position is everything.

We make our money in London, but we spend it in Paris.

Society has but little faith, except in scandal.

Joke with an inferior, and you tumble to the level of that inferior.

There are many stylish men, but very few men of style.

Shopkeepers are the counters in the game of life. When we have no ready money, we are only too glad to use them.

A lady is an angel that ought never to touch the earth, excepting when she is stepping from the door to her carriage.

Anything that reveals a compromise with one's pocket is inelegant, as for instance, Berlin gloves. In my opinion, naked-handed poverty is a thousand times preferable.

You can generally tell "a son of the soil" by the amount he carries in his nails.

England gives us meat, and France sends us cooks.

The gentleman is known at once by his walk, the lady by her carriage.

Credit is the homage that trade pays (and sometimes pays very dearly) to rank.

* * * * *

_Not so Bad as Volodyovski._--_Lady (to applicant for nursemaid's place)._ What is your name?

_Applicant._ Hermyntrude, mum.

_Lady._ Good heavens! That would never do. Can't you think of something shorter?

_Applicant (after a pause)._ Well, mum, my young man allus calls me Carrots.

* * * * *

_Simple Fractures._--Servants' breakages.

* * * * *

_The Beau Ideal of a Cook._--One who cooks a rabbit _to a hare_!

* * * * *

_A Servant on Spiritualism._--It is fortunate that rapping spirits, which seem very tricksy beings, do not seem to be able to move street-knockers. Otherwise we should continually be going to answer a rap at the door, and coming back, saying, "Please'm only a ghost."

* * * * *

THE FORCE OF HABIT.--_Missus (who is acting as amanuensis to Mary)._ "Is there anything more you wish me to say, Mary?"

_Mary._ "No, marm, except just to say, please excuse bad writin' and spellin'."

* * * * *

A TRIUMPH IN COOKERY.--When the cook makes a hash of the marrow-bones.

* * * * *

_Mistress (to new maid)._ "Well, Mary, I've tried to apportion you different duties for each day in the week, so that you may have variety in your work. You've been here a month now. Just tell me which day you like best?"

_Maid._ "Please, mum, _my day out"!_

* * * * *

SEASONABLE.--A servant, to whom money is an object, during the present winter offers (unbeknown) to let out his master's study fire by the hour. For terms apply to the Pantry, Belgravia.

* * * * *

"SLIGHTLY MIXED."--_Mistress (to maid, who has just received a month's notice)._ "I would rather not give you a character at all. But if you insist upon it, of course I shall tell the truth about you."

_Maid._ "And if you do, ma'am, I shall suttingly bring an action for defimation o' character!"

* * * * *

THE FLUNKEY MILLENNIUM..--When every _valet_ shall be exalted

* * * * *

INHABITED HOUSE DUTY.--The servants'. And I wish they'd do it.--Yours, paterfamilias.

* * * * *

SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.--_Housemaid._ "We're getting up a sweepstakes, Mrs. Thrupp. Won't you join?"

_Housekeeper._ "Gracious me, child; not I! Why if I _won_ a horse I shouldn't know what to _do_ with him!"

METROPOLITAN HOUSEHOLDERS' CLUB

We understand it is in contemplation to get up a club for the purpose of endeavouring to improve the quality of servants. The indifference of the material is very much against the project, but the effort is worth making. A few old housekeepers have determined to set the scheme on foot by offering a few prizes, of which the following is a catalogue:--

For the Cook who has lived longest in one place without including whole candles under the general head of kitchen-stuff

_One pound_

For the Nurse who has walked oftenest in the Park without speaking to a Horse-guard

_Ten shillings_

For the Housemaid who has remained longest in a situation in which the cat has not been in the habit of doing wilful damage to the crockery

_Five shillings_

For the Cook who has been the greatest number of years in service without resigning her own heart and her mistress's cold meat to the devouring passion of a policeman

_Fifteen shillings_

For the Nurse who has remained the longest time in a place without mistaking the children's linen for her own, and given the baby the fewest private punches and pinches

_Seven shillings_

For the Female Servant who has set off on Sunday evenings to go to church, and found her way there oftenest

_Five shillings_

For the Page who has opened the smallest number of notes in the longest period of service

_Half-a-Crown_

For the Groom who has best carried out the principles of protection with regard to his master's corn

_Ten shillings_

For the Footman who has worn the fewest of his master's shirts

_One shilling_

The above are only a few preliminary prizes, but if the scheme can be effectually carried out, there is every intention to offer rewards for a variety of other qualities. In the present day, when servants are always "bettering" themselves, which means growing worse and worse, the project of a prize club for this troublesome class seems fraught with the most promising prospects.

* * * * *