Chapter 92

Try to discover some subject in which your companion is interested, and get him to talking. Then show yourself a good listener. A woman may get the reputation of being bright and clever if she will simply show herself a good listener. To do this, she must give her attention to the person who is talking. She must seem interested. Her eyes must not wander around the room; she must not take up picture or book and glance over it; her questions must be intelligent and to the point. Then, unless the speaker is a well-known bore, she need never suffer under the imputation of being neglected in society, and she will be thought courteous and intelligent.

Discourtesies.--To interrupt a speaker, to take the words out of his mouth and finish the sentence for him, to broach a new topic, irrelevant to that in hand, unless the latter is in danger of leading to thin conversational ice,--all these are discourtesies.

To yawn while listening to anyone; to show lack of interest in a story or anecdote that is being told, or let the attention wander, is marked impoliteness. We are not to remind a speaker that his story is an old one, or that he has told it before.

Some Things to Avoid.--A man should avoid raving over the perfections, the beauty or chic of one woman to another. He shouldn't talk golf to one who doesn't know the language of the game, nor discourse on music to the unmusical. Above all, he shouldn't undertake to entertain the whole company, nor introduce a topic in which he only is interested or informed. The more serious questions of life are barred in society; people wish to be amused, not instructed. An inveterate talker, especially one of a didactic turn, is a bore. So is the man who puts a hobby through its paces. Avoid exaggerations in conversation, also extravagances, such as "beastly this" or "awfully that," also avoid over emphasis. Don't talk in italics.

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The Speaking Voice.--A clear, distinct enunciation should be cultivated. The voice need not--should not--be raised above the ordinary conversational level to make one perfectly understood, if only one speaks clearly. This is something that can be cultivated. So also a discrimination in the use of words, so that which most nearly expresses the meaning of the speaker comes to him readily.

A pleasant voice is a charm, either in man or woman. A noted teacher of singing once remarked that the cultivation of the speaking voice is a positive duty, and possible to almost everyone. Certainly a harsh, squeaky, shrill or affected tone of voice may be improved by care and endeavor.

CHURCH ETIQUETTE.

Surely the church is the place where one day's truce ought to be allowed to the vanities, the dissensions and animosities of mankind.--Burke.

The church is sometimes sarcastically referred to as "the social stepping-stone." It is a fact that the newly made rich and the vulgar often choose a church attended by the people of fashion whose acquaintance they most desire, rent a high-priced pew, and become prominent through their benefactions and their services in church work. They are "taken up," after a time, in a fashion, and unless too socially impossible through lack of good breeding, may, from "fringers," become "climbers." "I might go to that church for a hundred years and no one would notice me," bitterly complained a woman who had undertaken the social uplift via the church. The woman in question defeated her own object. She dressed in the extreme of style; she always came in late, with much rustle of silk and rattle of bangles; her hair was "touched up" and her face rouged. The well-bred and refined members condemned her on these grounds. Nevertheless, where a stranger comes who bears the hall-mark of culture and refinement, the church connection is often an aid to social habilitation, though it should never be sought as such.

Friendly Advances.--Friendly advances generally come from pew neighbors. Respond to them courteously but without undue eagerness. Do not expect your pastor to become your social sponsor with his congregation, and remember that though he will probably call after letters of church membership are presented, you have no claim upon his family, nor the families of any of the church officers through acquaintance in business life. This is often a grievance to people from smaller towns who, moving to a city, expect the families of their business associates to assist them socially. Two men may be partners for ten years without their wives knowing each other by sight, if they chance to move in different social circles.

Demeanor.--One should dress quietly at church, give attention to the service and the clergyman, and not linger unduly in the vestibule to gossip or greet friends. To notify the usher if one's pew will not be occupied is a courtesy if the preacher is popular and the church crowded. To be disagreeable in case strangers are shown to one's pew, or mistakenly seated there, is unkind and unchristian. Giggling, smiles, exchange of smiles or bows in the church proper are regarded as bad form.

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NEIGHBORHOOD ETIQUETTE.

Neighborliness is a quality little exercised in cities, where one may live next door to people for years and merely know their names. Some people prefer not to know their neighbors, fearing undue familiarity on their part. The relationship may be a very pleasant one if both parties observe certain restraints. It is not well to become too intimate. Nobody wants a neighbor running in at all hours, with or without an errand. Sometimes to sit on the back porch with a book or paper seems to invite a neighbor to "run over" and the hour's rest or mental recreation is given over to small talk.

A neighbor has no more right to enter without knocking than any other caller, whether by kitchen or front door. It is an intrusion, a disregard of the reserve that should characterize neighborly intercourse. No matter how friendly, friendship will last longer where the forms of decorum are observed.

Borrowing.--The exchange of "kitchen-kindnesses" should be ventured upon rarely. By these is meant the plate of cookies or biscuit or doughnuts we send our neighbor on baking-day. Some families prefer their own cooking. A woman who had been annoyed by many unsolicited donations of this kind, persisted in though unreciprocated, finally piled the sent-in biscuit rather ostentatiously on the garbage can in full sight of her neighbor's window. Other hints had failed, this was effective--a rather violent remedy, but after all not undeserved. In case of illness, where one has no maid, or the family must care for the sick, a fresh cake or a tasty dessert may be offered, and will seldom fail of appreciation. Knowing the circumstances, one need not hesitate over the proffer of a neighborly kindness.

There is little excuse in the city for the borrowing of kitchen staples which is the bane of some country neighborhoods. A borrowing neighbor is an affliction--a nuisance which unfortunately doesn't come under the jurisdiction of the Board of Health.

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CARRIAGE ETIQUETTE.

A story is told of a certain great lady who visited at the court of a reigning monarch on a secret matrimonial mission. The monarch had three daughters; the emperor of her own country had a marriageable son. Before overtures were made for an alliance, the lady was to see the three princesses and decide which one should be honored by the proposal. It was her whim to rely upon "the carriage test." She watched the young princesses as they alighted from the royal carriage. The oldest one descended clumsily, displaying too much of the royal lingerie. The second skipped out, disdaining the step. The third descended gracefully and with dignity, and Cupid's ambassador decided she would make the most fitting empress.

At certain finishing schools, lessons in deportment include training in how to enter and leave a vehicle gracefully. Stepping out on the right-hand side, the right foot is placed on the step, the left naturally falls on the ground. Entering, the left foot is first advanced. In this way the other foot clears the body of the carriage without awkwardness.

Minor Items.--The rule that the owner of the carriage occupies the right-hand seat even when accompanied by a guest, is almost universally observed. The only exception seems to be when the guest is a person of unusual distinction.

To place one's carriage at the disposal of a friend is a great courtesy, and should never be abused by the recipient. In case of accident the occupant should pay the bills for repairs, or at least urge that she be allowed to do so.

If a lady invites a friend to pay calls with her, dropping her companion to call on some acquaintance while she goes on to see a friend of her own, the lady thus favored must not keep her waiting on her return, more than the few moments necessary to make her adieux.

CIVILITY IN PUBLIC.

One is shocked, often, at the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse. People who are courteous in the drawing-room are sometimes horribly uncivil in public. They crowd and jostle and elbow in thc endeavor to secure better places for themselves, violating every canon of politeness. Women have fainted, gowns have been ruined and valuable articles lost in "crushes" incident to gatherings in "our best society."

Many people carry an umbrella with utter disregard of the eyes and headgear of the passing crowd. Closed, it is tucked under the arm, the ferrule projecting behind on a level with the face of a pedestrian. They go through a heavy door, pushing it open for themselves and letting it swing back against the next comer. They step in advance of those who have prior claim to be shown to seats, and accept civilities and service without so much as a "Thank you." They endeavor to obtain "something for nothing" by piling their luggage into seats they have not paid for on the train; on the boat they fortify themselves in a circle of chairs that are "engaged"--generally to hold their wraps and lunch-boxes, while others look in vain for seats.

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Rude Tourists.--Tourists have a reputation for a disregard of the rights of others, which makes them obnoxiously uncivil. They enter a church where worshipers are kneeling and audibly criticise the architecture and decorations, or the faith to which it is consecrated. They comment flippantly on great pictures in art galleries, and snicker over undraped statues, evincing the commonness of their minds and their lack of knowledge of art. But one of the worst lapses of decorum is to sit in a theatre and anticipate the action of the play, or the development of a musical number, by explanations to a companion. To do so may show familiarity with the play or the score, but it also shows a painful lack of good breeding, and a disregard of others' rights to peaceful enjoyment. On a par with this is the incivility of a person who undertakes to accompany a soloist with his (or her) own little pipe, to the annoyance of those who prefer to listen to professional rather than amateur efforts.

Of course all these rude people excuse themselves by saying they "get left" if they don't "rush," and that they "paid for their seats," as if this atoned for their disregard of those who, equally with themselves, have paid for a pleasure spoiled for them by the greed or impertinence of their fellow men--and women.

Telephone Etiquette.--"Central" could disclose how discourteous many women who pique themselves on their good manners can be when they are "calling down" the tradesman who has made a mistake in filling their order. And how often a party line is held for a lengthy "telephone visit" while others wait their really important affairs because the "line's busy!"

The manners of the public need reforming. Civility is a public good. Without it, we would be barbarians. It is the practical application of the Golden Rule to everyday life. To lay aside our own courtesy because we are in a crowd, or among people who do not know us, reduces us below the level of those who are not versed in the social requirements, because we know them and should practise them, whereas they do not know.

DUTIES AND DRESS OF SERVANTS.

In many large and well-to-do households in this country only one maid, the "girl for general housework" is engaged, the mistress and her daughters assisting with the lighter parts of the work. In such case each must have a certain definite portion of the daily duties and be responsible for its performance. Very few maids are capable enough to do all the work of a good sized family without assistance, even though the linen be sent to the laundry.

The One Maid.--Where but one maid is kept she must rise early and put in a couple of hours' work before breakfast, airing the house and perhaps putting in order and dusting the living rooms, then preparing breakfast. She will probably serve it unless everything is put on the table, in which case she may busy herself in the kitchen, washing the rougher dishes used in preparing the meal. The mistress of each household must make out her own schedule for the week, according to the convenience of the family.

The maid is supposed to have her dress changed by three o'clock. She will wear a simple but neat cotton gown about her work, mornings; in the afternoon she will put on a black dress with white apron, collar and cuffs. She is expected to keep a clean apron in the kitchen to slip on if summoned to the door before luncheon. She should never answer the bell with her sleeves rolled up. The mistress provides the white apron with shoulder pieces, the linen cuffs and collar worn by the maid of all work in the afternoon and evening. These are the mistress's property, remaining in the family through the changes of servants. So many girls object to the cap that it is seldom seen save in very formal establishments. If worn, the mistress furnishes it.

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Instructing the Maid.--If the mistress finds her maid's education in her duties is deficient, she should teach her to open the door wide, as if the visitor were welcome; to have her tray ready to receive cards; to be informed as to whether the mistress is at home or not that she may answer the visitor's inquiry at once. She is to usher the visitor into the drawing room or parlor, take the card to her mistress and return to say that "Mrs. Blank will be down in a few minutes," never alluding to her mistress as "she," as some ill-trained girls do.

If a lady who keeps but one maid entertains at all she must instruct the girl in the proper serving of meals. In the first place, everything that is necessary for the service must be ready; there must be no getting out of extra silver or china at the last moment, with its upsetting confusion. The menu must be so carefully planned that most of the food to be served can be prepared beforehand. For a six o'clock company dinner, the soup may be hot in the kettle; the fowl or joint in the oven; the entree waiting the finishing touches on the back of the range, the vegetables in the warmer, and the dessert in the ice-box. All the china and silver being in readiness and the table properly laid, the maid slips into her black dress and apron, and presents herself at the drawing-room door, announcing "Dinner' is served."

The Maid's Serving.--The guests being seated, she brings in the soup tureen, uncovers it, taking the cover to the pantry as she goes for the hot soup plates. She then stands at the left of the mistress with a tray, covered with a doily, in her left hand, a folded napkin under the tray; takes the soup plates as they are filled, passing them to the left of each guest, taking the plate from the tray with the right hand. She then removes the tureen. Removing the plates she takes them from the left side of the guest. The roast is brought in and served in the same manner as the soup; the vegetables are passed, each guest helping himself from the dish. The salad is usually served on the plates upon which it has been arranged. After the salad the table is cleared and the crumbs brushed with a napkin upon a plate or tray, and the dessert brought on for the hostess to serve, The latter starts the little dishes of bonbons or salted nuts on their travels, guests passing them along.

Chocolate is a good beverage to serve on such occasions; it can be made in the morning, or even the day before, and heated without in the least impairing its quality.

Given a capable, willing girl, one anxious to learn and not too self-conscious, a woman may entertain two or three or four guests very adequately if she will plan her menu carefully and see, personally, that everything is in readiness. She should, however, avoid any overelaboration. Better a simple meal well prepared and served than a more pretentious one that fails in these particulars.

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Duties of Waitress and Cook.--Where two maids are kept they are waitress-- "second girl" or "housemaid," sometimes so-called--and cook. The housemaid--we will so style her--opens and airs the house and dusts and arranges the rooms before breakfast. She serves the breakfast, clears the table and washes the dishes taken from it. She then proceeds to the bedrooms, putting them in order, dusting, making beds, etc. She will probably have fine lingerie waists, etc., to wash and iron on certain mornings. She does the sweeping, unless there is a man to take out and beat the rugs, and wipes up hardwood floors. She must clean the silver once a week and rub up brass; keep the pantries in order, clean the bathrooms, wait on table, answer the bell, both the door bell and her mistress's bell, and usually assist the latter in dressing. She is expected to do part of the family mending, keeping table linen and bed linen in good condition, and in some households is expected to wash and iron the napkins and dish-towels, unless a laundress is employed.

The Cook's Work.--The cook must prepare the meals, and put the food into the proper dishes and these in the pantry, ready for the waitress, who is not expected to enter the kitchen during the service of a meal. She washes the dishes used in the kitchen and the meat dishes from the table; she must keep the kitchen and its adjuncts, including back stairs, refrigerator, back porch and closet in order. Her mistress plans the meals with her, and she is expected to make good and economical use of left-overs. She often does the ordering by telephone, and sees to the milk, ice, etc., as they are delivered.

Should Understand Duties.--Most of the difficulties between servants arise from misunderstanding of and friction about their respective duties. It is best to have a definite and thorough understanding as to the work expected of each before engaging her. Both cook and housemaid have one afternoon and one evening each week and every other Sunday afternoon. When one is off duty the other must necessarily assume part of her work. Some mistresses allow a girl the afternoon and evening of one day; others give one afternoon, and the evening of another day, requiring the cook to return to prepare dinner on her "day" and the maid to come back to serve it on hers. If afternoon and evening go together the cook is expected to leave everything in readiness for the evening meal; the cook, on the housemaid's day out, must wait upon the table.

Servants always respect a mistress who knows her rights, exacts them, and respects her servant's rights. She should permit no familiarities; at the same time she must not regard her household assistants as mere machines, beyond her sympathy, Good mistresses make good servants.

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The Nurse.--The nurse must wash and dress the children; keep their clothes in order, washing and ironing the finer articles; eat with them, keep the nursery in order; sleep in the room, or in a room adjoining them with the door open, and take care of them when they are ill. A nursery governess teaches them, and is excused from the laundry work and from keeping the nursery in order.

The mistress who can conduct her domestic menage with two servants only is usually better served and with less friction than where more are employed. Rarely can three servants get on harmoniously. The more servants there are, unless there is a housekeeper, the more shirking there is, and the more waste and extravagance.

SUMMARY.

Remember--

That, in introducing people the man must always be introduced to the woman.

That the younger woman, the unmarried, the less socially prominent, are introduced to the older, the married and the more renowned..

That to pronounce names distinctly avoids much awkwardness to those introduced.

A casual meeting on the street does not necessitate an introduction.

Never present yourself with a letter of introduction. Leave it at the door.

That a card represents a visit, and that leaving your name in this way makes your friend your debtor.

That after dinners, luncheons, theatre and card parties a call is required, whether the invitation is accepted or not.

An invitation to a wedding must be acknowledged by sending cards to those in whose name the invitation was issued, and may, if she so pleases, call on the bride on her return from her wedding journey.

One should send announcement cards rather than invitations to those with whom acquaintance is slight.

An invitation to afternoon tea does not require reply. Leave cards if present.

The etiquette of calling on an "at home" day does not differ from that of an ordinary call, save that some light refreshment is offered, as a rule.

That the bachelor and the widower should respond to every invitation whether accepted or declined, by calling and leaving cards, whereas the married man's wife may leave his cards with her own. Men ignore this rule a great deal, however.

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Cards must be engraved, never written or printed.

That a married woman uses her husband's full name on her cards; that a man's name always has the prefix Mr., and an unmarried woman's or young girl's that of Miss, and that "pet" names are not "good form" on cards.

The extreme limit of a call is twenty minutes, and the first caller to arrive should be the first to depart.

That you should not prolong your leave-taking.

That the lady invites the man to call, and being thus complimented he should soon avail himself of the permission.

It is the mother's place to invite young men to call, not the daughter's, though she may say "My mother would be pleased to have you call on us," The mother must then meet and assist, for a time at least, in entertaining him.

A first call must always be returned. Afterwards the acquaintance need not be continued.

"Not at home" is no discourtesy to a caller if she is so informed when the maid opens the door. The maid should know whether her mistress wishes to see callers or not.

P. p. c. on a card means "To take leave," and intimates your friend is leaving town for a season.

It is customary for mother and daughter to use a card on which hath names appear when calling together. A debutante, in our most conventional society, has no separate card of her own. If she calls without her mother, she uses this double card, running a pencil mark lightly through her mother's name.

Sisters may use a card in common; it should be engraved "The Misses Jones," and used when calling together or sending gifts.

The divorced woman, if she drops her husband's name by permission of the court, uses her maiden name on her cards, with the prefix Mrs. If she retains her husband's name, she usually combines her family name with it, as Mrs. Jones Brown.

A card should never be handed to a hostess or any member of the family. Lay it on the table. If a member of the family opens the door, a card need not be used, though one is often left as above.