Chapter 91

In attending a tea or afternoon reception, the right-hand glove must be removed before entering the drawing room, as it is bad form to offer a gloved hand to one's hostess on such occasions.

If, when calling on a lady, another visitor arrives, the first comer must not attempt to "sit him out." He should make his adieux within a reasonable time after the second arrival, even though a friend in more intimate standing.

Bad Habits.--A man should carefully avoid mannerisms, such as twisting his mustache, fussing with his tie, fidgeting with some little article taken from a table, as a paper knife, etc. These awkwardnesses are the outcome of nervousness. He should strive at all times to be simple, at ease, and unconscious of himself. If he tries to "show off" he makes himself obnoxious.

Picking the teeth, chewing a toothpick, cleaning the finger nails in company, are gross violations of propriety.

The Car Fare Question.--A girl occasionally appeals to writers on social forms to find out when she should permit a man to pay her car fare. It is expected that he will pay for her if he is escorting her, and she should allow him to do so without comment. If they happen on the same car by chance she should pay her own fare. If the man anticipates her, handing the change to the conductor and saying "For two," she should thank him simply and let the matter pass. Really, it is not entirely good form for a man to pay a woman's fare under such circumstances, unless she has difficulty in finding her purse, or her change. Then he may say "Allow me" and pay for her. If she finds her money she may return the amount, and he should take it without protest.

THE ETIQUETTE OF DRESS.

"The best possible impression that you can make with your dress is to make no impression at all; but so to harmonize its material and shape with your personality that it becomes tributary in the general effect, and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after seeing you what kind of clothes you wear."--Holland.

MEN'S DRESS.

A man--lucky creature--is not expected to change his clothes as frequently as a woman must. He wears morning dress until dinner, unless he is to attend some afternoon function, like a wedding or a reception. Dinner is now almost universally at six or half after six o'clock. Before that hour, save in the exception noted above, he wears a business suit, a derby or "soft" hat, tan shoes if he prefers them, or laced calf-skin shoes with heavy soles. The coat may be sack or cutaway. Such an outfit is correct for traveling wear. A white shirt, or one of striped madras, is worn, with a white linen collar. The tie is usually a four-in-hand in some dark shade.

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The cutaway coat is correct for church wear. In summer it largely takes the place of the frock coat, which, with the silk hat, is usually "out of season," so to speak, from about the middle of May until about the same time in September. Straw or felt hats are worn.

Tweed flannel and cheviot suits are favorite summer wear for men, Flannel trousers, white with flannel shirt and leather belt, constitute the usual wear for tennis, golf, etc., and blue cheviot or serge for yachting.

Afternoon Wear.--For formal afternoon wear the double-breasted frock coat of black worsted, with waistcoat of the same or of white duck, is reserved, dark gray pin-stripe trousers are worn with it, patent leather shoes, gray gloves, silk hat and standing linen collar. The standing collar is for formal wear. This attire is suitable for all social affairs between noon and evening.

After dinner evening clothes--the "dress suit"--are worn. This has been fully described in the chapter on wedding etiquette, under the head of correct dress.

Incongruity in Dress.--A man must avoid incongruities in dress. Tan shoes are inadmissible with formal afternoon dress. They do not accompany a silk hat. A lawn tie is never worn save with evening clothes, nor a turn-down collar with them. Gloves should be inconspicuous. A man's hands encased in bright tan gloves make one think of sugar-cured hams.

The Tuxedo is a dinner coat, hence never seen before six o'clock; it must not be worn at a theatre party, or if a man escorts ladies. It may be worn in summer at informal dinners, and at summer hotels. Silk hat, white waistcoat, or white lawn tie are not correct wear with a Tuxedo.

APPROPRIATE DRESS FOR WOMEN.

The real beauty of dress resides in being suitably gowned. Suit the attire to the time and place. Fashion prescribes and regulates styles; etiquette settles the appropriate garb for the occasion. Every detail, from shoes to hat, should be harmonious and suited to the occasion and consequently to the hour of the day. But how many, many violations of this rule we see! Ostrich feathers worn with shirtwaists; low shoes on the street; dressy hats in the morning; jewels at breakfast--all inappropriate and unrelated!

The correct street wear in the morning in the winter is a tailored suit with medium sized hat in felt or beaver, walking shoes, and rather heavy gloves in glace kid. More elaborate suits or gowns in fine smooth cloth or velvet are worn at afternoon functions, for calling and receptions. One does not choose light or showy colors for these if she must walk or take a street car. Ostrich feathers can be worn on the velvet or satin hat that accompanies this costume, which is completed by patent leather shoes and white or pearl-gray gloves.

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When Decollete Gowns are Worn.--High-necked and long-sleeved gowns are worn at every daytime function.

At balls, cotillions, formal dinners, evening parties, and in the large cities in opera boxes, decollete gowns may be worn.

No "nice" woman wears a low gown when dining at restaurant or hotel. The neck may be cut low, under a lace yoke, unlined, and the sleeves finished from the elbow with lace. Hats are worn.

One chooses a handsome velvet or other dressy material for a dinner dress, and wears with it her rarest jewels. Good taste and modesty forbid too lavish a display of shoulders. As a rule, in our average social life, the unlined lace yoke and collar and lace sleeves are preferred for dinner wear, the decollete gown being reserved for balls and cotillions.

Young girls' dancing gowns are never cut very low; the "Dutch" neck and the slightly low round cut being preferred. A string of pearls, a fine gold chain and locket, or gold beads, which have been restored to favor, are the usual ornament.

For theatre wear, where one is not to occupy a box, one may wear a handsome reception gown, or a handsome bodice and skirt. Shirt and lingerie waists are not appropriate theatre wear, unless one patronizes some second-class house of amusement.

Wearing the Hat.--The rule to bear in mind as to the wearing of hats is this: At all daytime affairs, hats are kept on. At all evening affairs--musicales, concerts, receptions, the play, they are removed.

Tea-gowns and negligees are for the boudoir; the kimona is for the bedroom.

Gloves are removed at a luncheon or dinner. Of course they would not be kept on at a card-party or a tea. One may retain them at a stand-up supper.

Ornaments.--An abundance of ornament is in bad taste. Don't be one of the See-me-with-'em-all-on type. A cheap ornament spoils a handsome costume, better none at all; too many ornaments, even if good, look tawdry.

At a certain fashionable summer hotel a young woman was seen dancing in high shoes and wearing a demi-trained lingerie gown over a petticoat of ordinary walking length. She was certainly "the observed of all observers," but hardly the object of admiration.

The Debutante's Dress.--The debutante usually wears white on the occasion of her introduction to society. The material should be light and youthful--crepe de chine, some soft white silk like messaline, chiffon or organdie being the usual choice, made with high neck and long sleeves if the affair takes the form of an afternoon reception. Only a ball or cotillion permits a low gown, and then the gown is not "low" in the usual sense: it is merely cut out modestly in the neck and the sleeves are short. In the afternoon her mother, who presents her, wears a handsome reception gown; her young friends, who "assist," wear light colored, dressy gowns of chiffon, net, etc. At such an affair guests remove wraps but retain hat and gloves.

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Dressing on a Modest Allowance.--The woman who wishes to be well dressed but must produce that effect on a moderate allowance, must be particularly careful in her purchases. She should confine herself to two colors, of which black will be one. She must choose conservative styles as well as colors, and above all, she must study very closely the relationship of her purchases in order to avoid incongruities. A hat may be beautiful and becoming and within her means, yet a very unwise purchase because it will not harmonize with or be suited to the costume with which it is to be worn.

Neat gloves and good shoes are items of dress not to be disregarded by the woman who wishes to look well dressed. Shabby gloves are ruinous to a well-dressed appearance.

DRESS FOR ELDERLY WOMEN.

The woman who has been "dressy" in her youth must curb her fancy as she grows older, and carefully avoid things that are "too young" for her. She may "love pink" or pale blue, and because she could wear it when a girl, unwisely clings to it in her fifth and sixth decades. A bedizened old woman dressed in a fashion suitable for one twenty years younger, is a sight more pitable than admirable. She must not permit the milliner or costumer to convince her that she is still young enough to "wear anything" but must try to have sense enough to distinguish what is suitable from what appeals to her because she would have looked well in it in her youth.

Ermine furs, for instance, are absurd on a woman of forty-five or fifty. The dead white brings out the yellow in her complexion and the faded color of eyes and hair. A very light "dressy" hat makes the wrinkles more obvious.

The Suitable.--Dark, unobtrusive colors, relieved by white lace at throat and wrists, hats modest in size and coloring, set off gray hair and matronly figure far better than showy and more youthful garb. No elderly woman should attempt to wear brown; somehow it kills her complexion if she is sallow. Black, very dark blue, the softer shades of gray, are generally becoming if relieved with white. Lavender and mauve can be becomingly worn by those dear old white-haired ladies who have pretty complexions. The lemon-colored lady must avoid them. We must remember Joubert's saying: "In clothes fresh and clean there is a kind of youth with which age should surround itself."

Materials must be as handsome as can be afforded; soft wool materials may be chosen, cashmere, henrietta, voile, make up suitably. In summer most old ladies can wear white to advantage.

Simplicity should be the guide as to styles. Leave the fussy and elaborate to younger women, and adopt a dignified simplicity.

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DUTIES OF A CHAPERON.

"The art of not hearing should be learned by all." Young America flouts the chaperon. The young girl of the middle class guesses she can "look out for herself," and knows "how to behave." Very often she doesn't know, and sadly demonstrates her lack of the knowledge of life and good sense that would enable her to avoid situations that create gossip. In European society the chaperon is indispensable and has an acknowledged and honored position. In America, young women ridicule the idea and young men are decidedly impatient of her presence. And yet in our more conventional circles it is understood that she is a protection to the girls in her charge, and an oft-needed restraint on young men who are inclined to be too free and familiar.

Mothers as Chaperons.--A mother is her daughter's best chaperon. Very often her health, her home duties and her own lack of social experience unfit her for such a duty. In that case, she should be glad to put her girls in charge of some more experienced woman. If all young men were honest and honorable and temperate, the unchaperoned girl would meet with fewer embarrassments. Think of the awkward plight of a girl should the carriage or the taxicab break down as she is returning home, or the miserable state of the girl whose escort at play or party has taken too much wine! These things don't often happen, some one says. They do happen--far more frequently than the world at large is aware.

Chaperon's Lot Not Easy.--The duties of a chaperon are so onerous that she deserves much gratitude, rather than revilement, for undertaking them. She must stay at balls and parties when she would infinitely prefer her bed; she must frequent places of amusement that are tiresome to her but agreeable to her young charges; she must remain in the parlor, or in the adjacent room separated only by draperies from it, while the girt entertains men callers, and no woman enjoys being "gooseberry;" she must check too high spirits and prevent "loud" behavior. And she will many times know that her presence is resented, and sad to say, endure slights in the discharge of her duties.

Chaperons a Social Help.--Nevertheless, if girls only knew it, the chaperon may be very helpful and aid them materially in having a good time. She should be a woman of wide acquaintance, accustomed to good society. Then she will introduce the girls under her charge to nice men whom they should know, and to partners for the dance; see that they are invited to nice places, and that they are correctly dressed. She must have tact combined with dignity, and be able to reprove little lapses in decorum so tactfully that youth will not take umbrage. She must make her charges like her, and win and hold their respect. And it is very important that she should know what not to see--"the art of not hearing"--yet she should never overlook anything vital, It will be seen that she should be a person of infinite tact, good nature and courage.

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The Chaperon of the Motherless Girl.--Nowdays, the wealthy widower, instead of putting his young daughter at the head of the household, secures some woman of good reputation and social standing as his daughter's chaperon. She is, practically, the feminine head of the house, and in so far as possible, takes a mother's place with the girl. She sees to it that the girl has proper companionship and does not make undesirable acquaintances. She accompanies her on shopping expeditions, travels with her, attends theatres and parties with her, takes the head of the table if the girl gives a luncheon, and everywhere strives to make life pleasant for her young charge, giving up her own pleasure and convenience for that purpose.

Even the young woman of twenty-five or twenty-seven, at the head of her father's household, or living in a hotel, should have a companion.

Avoid Espionage.--And yet, with all this responsibility, the chaperon must avoid anything like espionage. She must not open letters; she must not be prying and inquisitive; she must not give reasons for the girl she chaperons to regard her as "a dragon."

A giddy, flirtatious chaperon is a disadvantage to a girl. She is so desirous of securing attention and having a good time herself that she neglects her charge. Often she undertakes chaperonage chiefly or entirely in order to go about herself. Such a chaperon is worse than none at all.

The Girl and the Chaperon.--A girl should remember that her chaperon stands in the relation of a mother to her for the time being, therefore any disregard of her chaperon's suggestions or wishes is the same as disregarding her mother's. No well-bred girl ever does this--well, at least not publicly. If her chaperon gently intimates that it is time to go home, that she is dancing too many times with the same man, or "sitting out" too long, she should cheerfully comply with the hint. She should not vanish with an escort, leaving her chaperon and others--to wonder at her absence, but at the close of every few dances, before the beginning of another, ask to be taken to her chaperon. There her next partner will naturally look for her.

She must at all times treat her chaperon with the utmost respect and deference, remembering the lady is bestowing a favor by taking charge of her, and that it is often at her parents' request.

At a theatre party, bachelor's tea, sailing party, excursion, etc., one married woman is sufficient chaperon.

The girl who works, the art and music student, may look after herself, but the society girl must submit to the thralldom of the chaperon.

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The Chaperon in Middle Class Society.--While the rules of etiquette are intended to be of general application, there are certain relaxations in middle class society not permissible in more fashionable circles. This is the case as regard the chaperon. Many young men on moderate salary would not feel they could afford to buy a ticket to the theatre or concert for a chaperon, or order a carriage. But is a girl then to be denied permission to accept the invitation? Under such circumstances middle class etiquette requires that the young man shall be well known to the family as a person of good habits and reputation. The girl, however, is not supposed to accept an invitation to a supper afterwards. She may go to a dancing party at a private house or a club in case proper chaperons are provided for the affair and they almost invariably are. But it is better taste for a party of young people to go together under the care of a chaperon.

When a girl receives a young man visitor, her mother should always meet him. She should enter the parlor, be introduced if he is a stranger, converse for fifteen or twenty minutes, and excuse herself, leaving the young people to their tete-a-tete. No girl ever loses a young man's estimation through being properly looked after.

Under no circumstances should the young girl be allowed to accompany a young man on an excursion without a chaperon. She should not motor with him alone; another pair of young people should go with them unless a chaperon is included.

GOOD FORM IN SPEECH.

"It isn't so much what you do; it is how you do it. Not so much what you think as how you clothe your thoughts that enables you to make a pleasant impression."

Good breeding is shown in the use of words, quite as much as in manners. Correct use is evidence of culture and personal refinement.

Use of Slang and Colloquialisms.--Slang, we are often reminded, is common--meaning vulgar. And yet, there are some slang phrases that are so expressive, and convey so much meaning in few words that the temptation to use them is irresistible. Much use of slang, however, is very undesirable, indicating lack of refinement. We may be colloquial, but must eschew the vulgar.

Among the words that are bad form we find "folks," used instead of "family" or "relatives." "Ain't" is one of the most common improprieties of speech and one that has no standing whatever in good language. "Gentlemen friend." "lady friend," are vulgarisms. We should not speak of young men as "fellows."

We should say "shops" instead of "stores," and "station" instead of "depot." A depot is a place where provisions and stores are accumulated. Just how it came to be applied to a railway station is an etymological puzzle. The use of "learn" for "teach" is incorrect. "Pupil," "student" and "scholar" are often used interchangeably, but incorrectly so. "Pupil" refers to the younger classes in a school.

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Those in the most advanced grade of a high school, and those in college are students; while scholar signifies those who are learned and out of school. "Dresser," "bureau" and "dressing case" are incorrectly applied to a chest of drawers. "Vest" for "waistcoat," and "dress suit" for "evening clothes" are incorrect. "Visitors" is in better taste than "guests." "Got" is a word often used superfluously and always inelegantly. "I have it" sounds much better than "I have got it"; leave out "got" wherever you can. As for "gotten"--it ought to be unspeakable.

"Don't" for "doesn't" is, perhaps the most common grammatical error. "I don't," "you don't," "they don't,' are correct. "Don't" is a contraction of "do not." You wouldn't say "he do not," "she do not," would you? Then don't say "he don't," or "she don't."

As a rule the simpler the speech the better. "Residence" for "house," "peruse" for "read," "retire" for "going to bed"--all these and their like sound stilted.

The use of French words and phrases is to be avoided, both in writing and speaking. Generally they are mispronounced--as in the case of the very affected lady who spoke of "Mrs. Brown, nee Smith," pronouncing "nee" as if spelled "knee."

Form of Address.--To acquaintances, a woman speaks of "my husband"; to friends, she calls him by his Christian name. To servants, he is "Mr. Smith." This is a rule often violated, so often in fact, that few are aware of the impropriety of saying "Mr. Smith" to friends and acquaintances. The man employs the converse of the rule; it is "my wife" to acquaintances, etc. To speak of a daughter as "Miss Mary" or "Miss Jane" to anyone but a servant is insulting, placing the person thus spoken to on a par with an inferior. If formality is desirable one should say "my daughter Mary." The same rule applies to a son.

It has already been said that we do not address a wife by her husband's title. He is Dr. Brown; she is Mrs. Brown. Mrs. General, Mrs. Judge, are not current in polite circles.

We do not use "Sir" in addressing equals. Children no longer say "sir" or "ma'am" to their parents, but "Yes, father," or "No mother." Ma'am is seldom heard now except from old-fashioned servants. Maids and men-servants say "yes, Mrs. Smith," or sometimes, "No, madam."

Courtesy in Conversation.--"Things said for conversation are chalk eggs," said Emerson. There are many chalk eggs on the market. Most of us feel that to "be sociable" we must talk incessantly. True, there are sometimes dreadful pauses in conversation when no one seems able to think of anything to say, and the longer the pause the more vacuous one's mind.

What passes for conversation at receptions, dinners, ordinary social affairs, is merely chatter made up, of persiflage and repartee. One must be able to furnish it, however, for small talk is conversational "small change," without which it is not easy to "do business." Lacking it, one is like Mark Twain's man with the million dollar check and not change enough to buy a postage stamp.

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SUBJECTS OF CONVERSATION.

No one can tell another person what to talk about. Advice on that subject is valueless. There are some things we may do, however, to make ourselves agreeable in conversation. We may study the art of expressing ourselves clearly,--saying what we wish to say without circumlocution. Some people seem to begin in the middle of a subject and talk both ways.

Avoid personalities in your conversation. Don't talk about yourself; nobody is interested in your personal perplexities and troubles. Don't recite your "symptoms" nor tell what the doctor says, nor what diet he has prescribed. Nothing, positively nothing, is so tiresome. Don't indulge in animadversions upon the absent, nor make sarcastic remarks about them.