Chapter 89

The Duties of the Next Friend.--The actual duties devolving upon the person representing the family include ascertaining their wishes as regards the officiating clergyman and his notification of their desire and the hour of the funeral; for music, if any is desired; the selection of a casket, and determining the number of carriages to be ordered. A written list of relatives and friends who will go to the cemetery, arranged in order of their relationship, four in a carriage, is given the undertaker for his guidance in assigning those present to their places. The friend of the family will accompany the undertaker to the cemetery if a lot must be purchased, or he may go alone, the undertaker receiving his instructions from the cemetery authorities. If any special position is desired for the new grave, this will be definitely stated. With this knowledge, an undertaker will conduct a burial so quietly and decorously that as a bereaved wife once remarked, it was "a real comfort to have John buried." She did not quite mean what she implied, however.

Where means suffice, a black cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is chosen. If the interment is in a vault, a metallic casket is obligatory. The child's casket is white; that for a young person is white or pearl-gray.

It is no longer necessary to call on friends and neighbors to bear the dead to their last resting-place, though it may be done. Honorary pall-bearers are chosen among the associates of the dead in case he is a prominent personage; the active may be relatives, or undertaker's assistants. A child is sometimes borne by his or her little school friends, though it seems a pity to call on children for such offices.

The House Funeral.--At the house funeral the family remains upstairs, or is seated in the room with the casket, the former more customary. The clergyman stands at the head of the casket, or in the doorway, that his voice may be heard. At the conclusion of the service, those not going to the cemetery quietly disperse; the carriages drive up; the undertaker in a low voice assigns the relatives to them in proper order, and the cortege moves off. At the grave, the remainder of the solemn service is read, the casket lowered, and all is over.

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That dreadful custom known as "viewing the remains," by which those present file past the casket for a last look at the dead, is obsolete. The bereaved take their farewell before any arrivals; those who desire to behold the face of the dead do so as they enter, then are seated in another room. Sometimes the casket is closed before the funeral.

Church Funerals.--The church funeral is more dignified, perhaps, but much less common than a few years ago. Good taste counsels that our leaving, like our arrival in this world, be a purely family affair. Those who attend a church funeral are in their seats when the cortege arrives. The organ is softly played as the casket is borne up the aisle, the clergyman preceding it; its rests before the chancel, the clergyman reads the burial service from the step, the mourners, who have followed the casket, being seated in the front pews. The procession retires in the same order, the congregation dispersing afterwards.

Flowers.--Flowers are usually ordered the day before the funeral, to arrive in the morning, that they may be fresh. Cards are removed before they are taken to the cemetery. Colored flowers, preferably those of pale tints, are admissible, though American Beauties are not infrequently sent. Wreaths of galax leaves are often ordered for the funeral of an elderly person; sometimes half of the wreath is of the leaves and the remainder of flowers. Wreaths and sprays are almost invariably sent by private individuals, the stereotyped "emblems" like "the broken wheel," "gates ajar," etc., being the offerings of clubs, or other organizations to which the deceased may have belonged. Where there is a great quantity of flowers, the loose sprays are often sent to the sick in hospitals, only enough to cover the grave being reserved. The visitor to a cemetery could find it in his heart to wish that when the beauty of these floral offerings has departed, the sodden remnants might be speedily removed. They speak so forcibly of forgetfulness.

MOURNING GARMENTS.

The custom of wearing mourning after a bereavement is almost universal. Even the poorest endeavor to show their grief by donning a few shreds of black, while among the well-to-do an entire new wardrobe is felt to be obligatory. However our religion bids us look forward to a more perfect existence in the beyond, however truly death may be a relief from pain and suffering, custom, that makes cowards of us all, must be followed. Often too, mourning garb is but the visible evidence of the gloom that oppresses us spiritually. In spite of our faith, our sense of loss and loneliness is best expressed in sad raiment and abstinence from pleasures. Often it would be kindness to the living to go our way as usual, but that is not in harmony with our hearts.

Mourning is in a manner a protection to a woman. Strangers respect her sorrow and refrain from the jocular. Behind her crepe she may defy intrusion. But it often becomes a hardship to the young.

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"I missed all my youth," complained a middle-aged woman. "We were a large family. A brother died when I was sixteen and we went into mourning and shut ourselves away from entertainments. Then my father died; next a sister, and another brother, so that, looking back, I can remember but one gown I had, between the age of sixteen and thirty-one, that was not black--and the one exception never had a chance to get worn out."

The Expense of Mourning.--Mourning, however, is sometimes a distraction. In deciding about trimmings and the width of crepe hems many a woman forgets her woe, for a time at least. Mourning wear is expensive, and to clothe a whole family in black totals no inconsiderable sum. Many families have been financially swamped through the expenses of an illness, a burial, and the conventional mourning. In this instance, as in the case of weddings, all these things should be regulated by common sense. A costly casket, a profusion of flowers and a long funeral procession merely gratify a foolish and ostentatious pride on the part of the survivors, and often entail a heavy burden on the father or husband.

It is quite customary to borrow the black garments worn at the funeral. These should be returned immediately after the funeral, with a message or note of thanks.

It is well to look over one's wardrobe to see what garments may be colored for use during the period of mourning. The art of the dyer has made such progress that very satisfactory results are obtained, and quite wealthy people do not hesitate to resort to this expedient.

Mourning Wear.--Crepe, ugly, expensive and easily ruined by dust and dampness, is no longer indispensable to a mourning outfit. If used at all, it is in the form of hems or narrow bands on face veils and as borders or facings, on gowns. Even widows, who wear the deepest mourning, no longer wear crepe veils.

All dress materials for mourning wear have a dull finish. Henrietta, imperial serges, tamese cloth and nun's veiling are the standard fabrics. A lusterless silk is sometimes employed, also crepe de chine.

Crepe is used as a trimming only during the first period of mourning. Hats have almost entirely replaced bonnets, except for elderly widows, who often adopt the close-fitting Marie Stuart bonnet, with the white ruche inside the brim. A long veil of fine silk nun's veiling is worn with this, with a tulle or net face veil with a narrow fold of crepe. Veils of crepe or nun's veiling are not worn over the face except at the funeral.

Hats with crepe folds and trimmings, with veils arranged to fall in folds in the back are usually selected; with them is worn a plain net face veil. Dotted veils are not mourning. Black furs, lynx, fox or Persian lamb are worn.

Many women wear narrow lawn turn-over collars and cuffs; they are hemstitched, with no other decoration. Black-bordered handkerchiefs are no longer carried; if, however, one's woeful trappings must extend to this detail, the narrower the edge the better.

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Either black glace kid or suede gloves are worn. Shoes and slippers must be in a dull kid finish.

All white may be worn in summer during the later period of mourning, but combinations of black and white are not mourning; thus a white dress with black ribbons is not correct.

Jewelry (in gold), ostrich feathers, velvet, lace, satin, and jet trimmings, except in dull jet, are barred. One may wear a diamond or pearl ring or two, but no colored jewels set in rings. Some women have outer shells made in black enamel to enclose diamond ear-rings they are accustomed to wearing.

If one wears mourning, she should hold to the correct form. If, however, she elects to wear black, more license is permitted her. Whatever is done, should be consistent. Thus if she simply adopts black she may have a net or all-over lace yoke in a gown, may wear hats with wings and quills or fancy feathers in black, or black flowers--which are botanical monstrosities--whereas in correct mourning she could not.

The Period of Mourning.--The length of time during which mourning is to be worn has been considerably shortened of recent years. Widows formerly wore deep mourning-crepe, bombazine, etc., for two years, and "second mourning" for another year. Now, even among the most rigid sticklers for form, two years is the limit, and there is a tendency to diminish this period. Eighteen months of woe inconsolable; six months of grief assuaged. Nor are all recreations debarred the widow, as formerly; she may go to concerts, small entertainments, even to matinees, after some months have elapsed. This is as it should be. Many women have settled into gloom and despondency which have darkened their homes because there has been nothing to lift them out of their low frame of mind.

For a parent, a grown son or daughter, the conventional period is two years, one year of deep mourning. For a young child a mother wears black for a year. The same time suffices for a brother or sister. Six months answers for grandparents; three for an uncle or aunt. Often one does not wear mourning except for husband, child or parent.

Young girls need not wear mourning as long as an adult does, nor do they wear crepe, unless it be a hat with crepe trimmings, or one with ribbon bows and face veil with crepe border. It seems as unnecessary as it is unkind to put young children into black.

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French Mourning.--The French, with characteristic cheerfulness, greatly abridge the mourning attire, dividing it into three grades, deep, ordinary and half-mourning. For the first only woolen materials in black are employed; the second, silk and woolen; the third gray and violet. The wife laments her husband for a year and six weeks,--six months of deep mourning; six of ordinary, and six weeks of gray and violet melancholy. The bereaved husband, on the other hand, is let off with six months of sorrow, three in deep mourning, three in ordinary; he has not to pass through the gray-and-violet stage at all.

Six months is also the period for parents, evenly divided between deep and ordinary. One gets off with two months for brother, sister or grandparent, and three weeks suffices for a mere uncle or aunt. Good taste decrees mourning should be discarded gradually. From black one may go to quiet costumes in dark colors, gray being an approved hue.

Mourning for Men.--Custom sets more lightly upon men than upon women in the matter of mourning. Here, as elsewhere, the details of etiquette devolve upon women. A widow would incur censure if she married within two years after her husband's death; indeed, if her marriage followed soon after the expiration of that term, Mrs. Grundy would infer some surreptitious courting had been going on. A man, however, may marry again after a year has elapsed. A widower would abstain from society and the theater for six months. A parent is mourned for a year.

The correct attire for men is a black suit, black gloves and tie of grosgrain or taffeta silk, and a black band upon his hat. The tailor adjusts this hat band with scrupulous nicety to the depth of his affliction. It is deepest for a wife; it diminishes mathematically through the gamut of parents, children, brothers or sisters.

The widower is not expected to wear mourning for two years, unless he prefers to do so. If he goes into the niceties of the garb he will wear black enamel shirt studs and cuff buttons, and a plain black watch fob. After a year he may wear a gray suit, retaining the black accessories.

The custom, followed in some circles, of wearing a black band on the left coat sleeve, is to be emphatically condemned. The place for the band is on the hat. If not placed there, let it be nowhere. On a gray or tan coat the effect is startling. The custom of wearing such a band as emblem of mourning for a fellow member in a lodge, or any organization, whether worn by man or woman, is more honored in the breach than the observance. Better drape the departed member's seat in black, or hang crepe on the charter than follow this foolish fad.

The Duties of Friends.--Where there is sickness in a family, friends call to make inquiries or to proffer assistance. Kindness counsels that such calls should be brief; often duties press heavily upon the well, and the time spent in receiving visitors may be sadly needed for rest, or for other duties. To stay to a meal or to take children on such a visit is inconsiderate, to say the least. If help is needed, give it quietly, unobtrusively, and as efficiently as possible. A little service rendered by a thoughtful neighbor is always appreciated, whereas the person who goes "a-visiting" where there is sickness comes near being a nuisance.

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In town, friends call at the door to make inquiries. Unless very intimate, they do not expect to see any member of the family. Cards are left, and it is correct to write "To inquire" on the card. If death follows, cards are properly left, either before the funeral or within a week after the event. Upon these may be written "with deepest sympathy." One does not ask to see one of the family. Cards of this character are often sent by mail, and are acknowledged within three weeks by sending one's visiting card with narrow black edge and envelope to match. Across the top of the card is written "With grateful appreciation of your sympathy," or "It is a comfort to feel that we have your sympathy in our loss." Cards are sometimes especially engraved for this purpose. Such cards have a mourning border and are enclosed in an envelope and mailed. One's visiting card, with narrow black edge and black-bordered envelope, is sent in acknowledgment of invitations to weddings, receptions, etc. If a note is necessary in reply to an invitation, it is written on note-paper having a narrow mourning border, and follows the customary formula, the border being an indication of the reason it is declined.

In case the request "Kindly omit flowers" is made in the obituary notice, the wish of the family should be observed.

Letters of condolence should be written as soon as possible. Friends should not be afraid to intrude. If they feel a sincere sympathy it should be allowed expression, for such tributes, coming from the heart, are always grateful to the stricken. Answers to such letters should not be expected; it is customary to acknowledge them by a card, as above mentioned.

Friends who send flowers should be thanked, either by note, or word of mouth.

THE ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE.

"Letters should be easy and natural, and convey to the persons to whom we send just what we would say if we were with them."--Chesterfield.

They say nobody has time to write letters these days, and yet the post office department handles millions of them each year. True, they are not the formal, lengthy, somewhat stilted epistles of a century ago, when a lad began his home letters "Honoured Parents," and your correspondent announced, "I take my pen in hand to inform you," etc. The letter of today, however, is not less the messenger of good-will and remembrance than it was in those days. It remains largely the bulletin of business and of family affairs.

The postman's bag! What may it not contain? News of birth or tidings of death, of lover's vows made or broken, of achievements or misfortunes. Every letter is like a new day; we cannot tell what its message may be.

It is no mean accomplishment to be able to write a good letter.

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The Essentials.--The first essential to letter-writing is to have something to say, and the ability to say it well. This is a talent that may be cultivated. The next requisite is good paper. Better curtail in some other item and allow yourself good, plain, heavy paper and envelopes. Avoid all fancy papers, whether in tint or design. Plain white or cream laid paper is always good form. Whatever the vagaries of the stationer, the plain white, fine quality paper is to be preferred. The intertwined initials of the writer are often placed at the top of the first page, either in the center or at the left-hand corner where the water-mark used to be. These are done in gold or silver, or some pale tint. Just now, the street address of the writer is often engraved across the flap of the envelope. The form of the latter, whether square or oblong, varies according to the passing fashion. Whichever is used, the letter sheet is folded once to fit it. Sealing-wax is little used at present; if at all, the "blob" of wax is small, only large enough to receive the impress of a single initial on the seal.

Use a good black ink. Violet and purple inks are as passe as colored stationery. There is a certain writing-fluid, bluish when first used, and turning black after a few hours' exposure, that is standard.

Write legibly. Handwriting may or may not be an index of character, but it certainly does indicate certain attributes. A cramped, slovenly, awkward handwriting is naturally associated with a careless and uneducated person; whereas a free, graceful and trained hand indicates culture and refinement in the writer. We say again, write legibly. Nothing is more exasperating than certain examples of modern fad-writing, where one might as well attempt to translate a page of Chinese script. Despite the typewriter, one should endeavor to be a good penman, because the typed letter or note is inadmissible in polite society, being reserved for the world of business. Avoid also the microscopic calligraphy with a fine pen; it is very trying to your correspondent's eyes, unless she happens to have a reading-glass conveniently near.

Take pains to make your signature easily decipherable. Remember that while a word may be puzzled out by the context, or by the analogy of its letters to others, the signature has no context, and is often so carelessly written that the letters composing it are indistinguishable. One should be particularly careful in this respect where writing business letters or letters to strangers.

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Letter Forms--Ceremonious letters, and notes in the first person are addressed to My dear Mrs. Smith. If Mrs. Smith is a friend or an acquaintance, she is addressed as "Dear Mrs. Smith." This is the American custom, and is an exact reversal of the English. which is, by the way, being more generally adopted in our society. "My dear" certainly seems to the uninitiated, at least, more intimate and familiar than "Dear." A business communication to a stranger begins--

Mrs. Joseph Smith, Dear Madam:--

There are shades of courtesy to be observed in signing letters. "Sincerely yours" is a little more formal than "Yours sincerely;" "Yours with much regard" is more familiar than "Yours sincerely." "Yours truly" is for the business letter; "Yours affectionately" for the family or those to whom we are much attached. The rule has been to capitalize all the words of the address, but only the first word of the conclusion, as "My Dear Friend Mary" and "Yours sincerely," but of late this rule seems to be broken in regard to the address, which is now often written "My dear Mrs. Smith."

Abbreviations.--Abbreviations are always incorrect. The month, day and date must be spelled out; the street number and the year are correctly indicated in numerals. The year is sometimes spelled out on formal invitations, but is regarded as an affectation in private correspondence. To indicate a date in numerals, as 3: 18: '12, is bad form. "Street" is not shortened to "St." and "Avenue" is to be spelled out. The city and state should be written in full. "Cal." and "Col." are often wrongly read by busy railway clerks, and your Colorado letter goes to California.

The character and (&) is never to be employed. "Hon.," "Dr." and "Rev." are permissible on an envelope; "Rev. Father" is incorrect; write "Rev." We do not use "Esq." in America as much as it is used in England, where it is always employed in addressing a letter to an equal, "Mr." being reserved for tradesmen. Here we use "Mr." almost entirely. Christian names are not abbreviated in an address; one should write "George" or "Charles" rather than "Geo." or "Chas."

What Not to Do.--A woman is never to be addressed by her husband's title, either verbally or in writing. "Mrs. Dr. Smith" is "Mrs. Lewis Smith"; "Mrs. Judge Morris" is "Mrs. Henry Pond Morris." Of course she would not think of signing herself "Mrs. Dr. Smith." She should sign herself by her own name, "Marion Morris." If necessary to convey the information, she may, in a business note, place Mrs. in brackets, before her name, or after signing her own name, write below it, "Mrs. Henry Pond Morris." This is never done in a social note. Often, upon her marriage a woman includes her maiden name in her signature, thus, "Marion Ames Morris." A hyphen is not used. The four-storied name, as "Marion Helen Ames Morris," is too cumbersome for common use.

A woman uses her husband's full name on her cards. The man, in signing himself, writes his full name "Henry Pond Morris" or "R. P. Morris," rather than "Henry P. Morris."

The postscript has been laughed out of existence. If a few words must be added the "P. S." is omitted. Dodging about on the pages, from first to third, then to second and fourth, is to be avoided. Don't write across your written pages; a plaided letter is so difficult to decipher that one is justified in destroying it unread. One is supposed to have sufficient letter paper on hand. A half sheet should never be used as a means of eking out an epistle. Don't send a blotted, smeared letter.

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Placing the Stamp.--Several years ago silly girls occasionally inquired through the newspapers as to "the significance" of the postage stamp when placed in certain positions on the envelope. One paper made reply that to place it anywhere but on the upper right hand corner of the envelope indicated that the sender was a first-class idiot. The answer was widely copied and the inquiries ceased. The stamp is placed there for convenience in canceling, that being done by a machine in all but the smaller offices.

The last item to be remembered is, spell correctly, though it is one of much importance. A mis-spelled word is a grievous error in a letter--worse than a blot. Keep a dictionary on the desk; when in doubt look up the word, and then take pains to fix it in mind so as to have no further trouble with it.