Chapter 86

"The future destiny of the child is always the work of the mother." --Bonaparte.

Children reflect the manners of their homes. As they learn to talk after the fashion of their parents' speech, so they learn to be polite by example, aided by training, and in both cases the habit of youth persists in greater or less degree all through life.

To train children properly requires patience and persistence, but to have polite children, and to feel that they know what to do and how to do it when they begin to go out, is certainly a great source of satisfaction to a mother, on whom the burden of training falls.

The secret of success is beginning early. Before the baby is three years old he should be in process of training. When he comes into the use of spoon, knife and fork, he should be taught how to hold these properly, and how to feed himself. He should never be permitted to play with his food; out of that baby habit comes the later playing with crumbs, holding the fork in the hand when not eating, drinking tea from a spoon, and other little gaucheries resorted to in embarrassment or preoccupation. It is not necessary to wait until a child is ten or twelve years old before teaching him not to interrupt a conversation, and to make his wants known quietly and without iteration, nor yet that your yea means yea, and your nay, nay.

First Lessons.--The mother's first lesson is usually in regard to taking off his hat or cap. Teach him to remove this as soon as he enters the house, as soon as he begins to go out of doors alone, and the habit will become life-long. It is very charming to see a child of either sex rise to open the door for a visitor, or stand while she talks to him. One often sees boys of seven, nine and eleven years of age occupying the seats in a car while the ladies stand. No mother should permit this.

Whether a child should say "father" and "mother," or use the more babyish form of "papa" and "mama" is a matter of parental choice, but the preference in some circles is for the former. A blunt "yes" or "no" is not thought polite from a child; he should say "yes, father," "no, mama," "yes, Mrs. Smith." "Ma'am" as a form of address is quite obsolete.

Most parents make the mistake of believing their children as absorbingly interesting to other people as they are to them, and bring them forward so prominently that they become tiresome. A good rule is for the mother to allow children to greet the visitor and then send them away to their play. The spectacle of a little child primly seated on a chair and "taking in" the conversation with eyes and ears is not wholly edifying; while to allow a child to hang on a visitor or monopolize the attention makes the youngster a nuisance.

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CHILDREN'S PARTIES.

There is nothing children love better than a party. It takes so little to make them happy that the exertion is well repaid by their pleasure. A few games, a light supper, an inexpensive souvenir, and they have had "a perfectly splendid time."

For children from five to twelve, the best hours for a party are from three to half past five. This gives time for all to return home by six o'clock. Few mothers wish to have their children out evenings at that age. Where the children are old enough they should write their own invitations. They should receive their guests themselves, the mother standing in the background to see that they do it properly and to second their welcome. The little host or hostess should early learn the lesson that she must study the pleasure of her guests, not her own, and be taught the courtesies required of her.

Games.--The first thing is the games, which are suitable to the children's age. Little ones play romping games, like "Cat and Mouse," "London Bridge," etc.; those a little older enjoy a peanut hunt or a peanut race, or supplying the donkey with a caudal appendage. Many novel games are possible. Or the children may be asked to a doll's party, or an animal party. To the one they bring their favorite doll; to the other their teddy bears and cotton elephants.

Supper.--The supper should be simple. Sandwiches, cocoa, jellies, and fancy cookies not too rich. After the supper they may dance "Sir Roger de Coverley," or some simple form all know, and then little souvenirs may be distributed in a way that leads to a hunt. Notes are written and put in a bag; each child takes one; the note directs where to look. All rush pell mell to that spot. There they find directions to look somewhere else, and finally each gets a little card or a note directing a search at some particular place, say in a basket in the hall or in the dining room, where each finds and unwraps a little gift. Or a large paper sack filled with wrapped bonbons is hung between folding doors, each child blindfolded in turn, given a cane and instructed to hit the sack if he can. Presently the paper is broken and the youngsters scramble for the contents. Each little guest should thank the giver of the party and the mother for the pleasure enjoyed. The little host or hostess should stand where they can make their adieus, for it is no longer proper to "take French leave" on any occasion except "a crush."

Games for Older Children.--Older children enjoy a peanut hunt, or a spider party where they follow a twine through a labyrinth of loopings and find a small prize at the end, or a book party, where each guest represents the title of some book. Thus Ouida's "Under Two Flags" could be very easily represented. Young folks always enjoy "dressing up," and any hostess can either find directions for some form of fancy dress, or invent something new for herself. St. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, May Day, the Fourth of July, Hallowe'en, have their traditional decorations, and games, and suggest their own refreshments. Elaborate refreshments have rather gone out of style.

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CONCERNING ENGAGEMENTS.

A marriage engagement is one of the most serious contracts into which young people can enter, second only to actual marriage. It is not to be lightly entered upon. It is no credit to a girl to have been several times affianced; indeed, it almost invariably occasions unfavorable comment. There may be reasons for breaking one engagement, but when it comes to the second, Mrs. Grundy makes remarks, and is inclined to blame the girl, either for too great haste to wed, or for being fickle and capricious,

A girl should be very sure of herself before she gives her promise. She must respect the man, and have faith and confidence in him, and not permit herself to be carried away by considerations of wealth and position. If there is anything about him she dislikes, she may be sure dislike will become aversion after marriage, unless she has a genuine affection for him.

Parental Wishes.--She should not engage herself without consulting her parents. Where can she find better advice than from those who have cared for her so long and faithfully? Where there is parental disapproval, a girl should show her respect for her parents' opinion by avoiding a hasty decision. Men know men much better than women can ever know them; and the opposition of a father or older brother should have due consideration.

In these days and in this country, young women take their matrimonial affairs into their own hands. "In the good old times" the young man asked the consent of the girl's parents before he was sure of her sentiments toward him; he asked permission to woo, and if in his eagerness he forestalled the etiquette of the occasion she modestly referred him to her parents, first indicating her consent would accompany theirs. In the twentieth century the young people too often settle the matter between themselves, and announce their intentions to wed quite regardless of their parents' sentiments on the subject. So many youthful attachments are really youthful follies that the girl who submits her wishes to her parents' counsel often has reason to consider herself fortunate. Girls, however, almost invariably regard parental opposition as unreasonable; actually it is often founded on a better understanding of their temperaments and the character of the young men in the case than they imagine--or in many cases can be made to see.

A manly man will approach the father of the girl he wishes to make his wife, state his prospects, and ask the father's consent. If withheld, he will not urge the girl into a hasty marriage, but will wait until the opposition has diminished. In case this does not happen, the girl has at least had an opportunity to learn her own mind. Many who have married against their parents' wishes have lived happily; it must be admitted that others have not. Delay, at least, gives time for reason to outweigh romance.

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It is especially awkward for the girl if the parents of her fiance do not approve his choice. In such case she should give ample time for their disapproval to have whatever effect it may on the young man's feelings towards her. Some girls refuse to enter a man's family unless made welcome.

No girl should engage herself to a man she has known but a short time; certainly not without searching inquiry into his reputation in his former place of residence. No man can reasonably object to such inquiries; indeed, he should welcome them; invite them by furnishing credentials. No matter how violently in love a girl may be, she should not throw prudence and discretion to the winds.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ENGAGEMENTS.

An engagement may be announced soon after it is entered upon, or not until several weeks before the marriage. Usually the engagement is known to the two families some time in advance of the later formal announcement. This is to save the girl embarrassment in case it is broken off. Should this happen, the young man takes the blame upon himself, declaring the young lady discarded him. Only an out-and-out cad would intimate to anyone that he "threw her over."

The announcement of the engagement comes through the girl's family; the man waits until it is their pleasure to make it known. The usual way is for the girl and her mother to write notes to relatives and close friends. The man, of course, will know when this is done, and may send notes to his relatives and friends, or acquaint them by word of mouth, at the same date. No special form is employed for such notes; they are always informal and familiar.

How Disclosed.--Sometimes a girl announces her engagement to her most intimate girl friends at a small tea or luncheon her mother or some relative gives for her. In this case the decorations are suggestive. Heart-shaped place cards, decorated with the entwined initials of the two parties; pink flowers, banked in heart-shape and pierced with silver arrows, for a centerpiece, and sandwiches and cakes in heart shape, the latter decorated in pink, are often used. At each plate may be a small cluster of pink carnations, tied with narrow ribbons, one end connecting with an arrow in the centerpiece. When these are drawn out some appropriate sentiment is found attached, which is read aloud by the guest.

Any novel form may be employed in communicating the joyous intelligence. Midway the repast some friend previously selected for the honor may propose a health to the two who are betrothed; someone may ask a moment's indulgence while she reads an interesting paragraph from a letter, or a mock telegram may be delivered. Congratulations are in order; sometimes the fiance has been held in reserve, and is brought in to share with his fiancee the good wishes of her friends.

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All who receive notes are expected to call in person or send letters of congratulation. Flowers are often sent, and dinners, theater parties, and other entertainments given for the young couple. Engagement gifts are often given; china being a favorite choice, though any gift is in order.

After the Announcement.--Immediately upon the announcement of the engagement the parents of the young man call upon his fiancee and her mother, whether previously acquainted or not. His family takes the initiative in the exchange of hospitality which follows. Calls are to be returned within a week. In case the man's family live at a distance, the members should at once write cordial, kindly letters to the girl, to which she must reply within a few days. She should not "gush" but should show her desire to know them, and a cordial and friendly feeling. The prospective mother-in-law may invite the girl to visit her. She should remember that no matter how welcome the alliance she is under inspection, as it were, and do her best, through courtesy and tact and friendliness to create a favorable impression.

The Girl's Behavior.--The engagement ring is not worn until the engagement is announced. If the young man's means permit, it is usually as handsome a diamond solitaire as he can afford. No womanly girl would wish her fiance to go in debt to purchase her ring. Should it be less handsome than she had hoped or expected, she should not give the slightest evidence of disappointment. That would seem mercenary and grasping. Nevertheless, a girl does doubtless get much more joy out of her engagement ring than she does out of her wedding ring.

Though a girl may receive from her affianced gifts of jewelry, silver, etc., as well as the bonbons, books and flowers she was privileged to accept before her engagement, it is not in good taste for him to offer any article of wearing apparel to her. He is not to buy clothes for her until after their marriage. Nothing that cannot be returned to him uninjured in case the engagement is broken is really correct for her to receive.

She will naturally receive many notes, letters, etc., from her fiance, especially if he is called out of town often, or resides in another city. The inexperienced, very-much-in-love girl is quite likely to write very ardent and affectionate letters. Leave that to the man. If she knows her Thackeray she will remember the rose-colored billet-doux poor Amelia used to write to her George, and which lay unopened day after day, and will model her missives upon the style of Lucy Snowe's to the Professor--"a morsel of ice, flavored with ever so slight a zest of sweetness." Let her make them bright, chatty, kindly, but not too tender.

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Length of Engagement.--As for the length of an engagement, it is often argued that if one has made a mistake, it is much better to find it out before marriage than after. A prolonged engagement, however, is not advisable. It embarrasses a girl to be asked "When is it going to be?" and be obliged to make evasive answers. Thc old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" often proves untrue. The long engagement is a strain, undoubtedly. A year is quite long enough for the two to demonstrate their fidelity and for all necessary preparations.

Breaking Off.--If the two develop incompatibility, after being convinced it is irreconcilable the only thing to do is to sever the tie. This is often heart-breaking if caused by the infidelity of one party, and always humiliating, especially to the girl. To spare her as much as possible, the man assumes the breaking-off was her act. He never allows himself to speak of her save in terms of the most perfect respect. The presents, letters, pictures, are returned, and Cupid retires discomfited. The girl's mother writes to her friends and tells them the engagement is broken; no reason is given and no person of tact or knowledge of social forms will inquire why or ever allude to the matter to either of the parties to the engagement or their parents.

"Being engaged" does not relax etiquette. It does not justify a journey or an excursion together, nor appearance in public places unchaperoned. Lovers refrain from caresses or evidence of their devotion in the presence of others; in short they should conduct themselves with decorum.

The Wedding Trousseau.--In case everything goes well when the wedding day is set it is the custom to announce the engagement in the society columns in the newspapers. The trousseau is nearly ready, the linen chest is filled, the details of the wedding settled. It is not customary now for the expectant bride to have dozens and dozens of undergarments, to be laid aside, turn yellow and go out of style. One dozen of each garment is an ample supply for the average bride; even half a dozen new garments of each kind have been known to answer every purpose. She should have a moderate supply of shoes, corsets, gloves, petticoats, both silk and cambric, and handkerchiefs. Fashions change so rapidly now that it is foolish to lay in a great stock of gowns. The supply of these must be in accordance with her social position and its requirements. After she is married, she will find her table-cloths and napkins, sheets, and pillow slips and towels a much greater source of satisfaction than a lot of passe gowns and wraps. Her silver and linen are marked with the initials of her maiden name. These initials are always embroidered on the latter.

The supply of table and bed-linen will depend upon the size of her house and the style in which she lives. Six sheets and six pillow and bolster slips are allowed to each bed, and twelve towels, half of them bath towels, to each bedroom. She should have dinner and lunch cloths, with napkins to match; it is usual to allow a dozen napkins to each cloth. It is good economy to purchase all these in a good quality. The dinner cloths and napkins should be of double damask, so called. The very large dinner napkins--seven-eighths of a yard square--are less in favor than the medium, three-quarter size. A fairly ample supply of comforts, down and silk quilts, and blankets, is often acquired by purchase before marriage.

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WEDDING FESTIVITIES.

Very soon after the wedding invitations are out, the bride's friends bestir themselves and a number of entertainments are planned in her honor. These are dinners, luncheons, teas, and theatre parties, the latter often prefaced by a dinner at the house of the hostess. Often these include the bridal party--bridesmaids and "best man." To dinners and theatre parties the bridegroom-to-be is invited; luncheons and teas are given by the bride's friends to her. The bridegroom's bachelor friends frequently give a dinner for him--a farewell to the man so soon to rank as "Benedict, the married man."

These functions in honor of the bride are exclusive, rather than general, invitations being restricted to familiar friends. The bride's relatives are the entertainers. At such functions the bride expectant may wear one of the gowns of her trousseau. Because of these entertainments, which are really quite a tax on the girl's strength and vitality, the trousseau should be complete and the wedding preparations well under way before they begin. Most of them seem to be crowded into the week or ten days preceding the ceremony.

Engagement "Showers."--"The shower"--an entertainment that is somewhat on the order of an informal tea at which each guest brings some gift to the bride--has been called "provincial." It has a recognized place in middle class society, at least, and may be made an enjoyable function. No two "showers" are alike, hostesses vieing with each other in the endeavor to present something original and attractive. The linen shower is one of the most popular, each guest bringing some contribution to the bride's linen chest. These are the more valued if the handiwork of the giver, and some girls always have a bit of work in progress which may, when finished, be their offering at a linen shower.

Only intimate friends are asked to a linen shower and the occasion is entirely informal. The invitations may be couched in this form:

My Dear Miss Ames-- I am giving a linen shower for our mutual friend, Miss Gray, who is to be married next month, and would be very glad to have you with us. I am asking a few friends for luncheon on Thursday, January sixth, at one o'clock, and hope you will be able to come. As the "shower" is to be a surprise to Miss Gray, please do not mention it should you see her. Very cordially, Helen Brown.

The invitation should be promptly answered. Usually, the nature of the entertainment is not known to the guest of honor until she arrives; sometimes not until she is seated at the table.

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How Presented.--The more unique the method of presentation the more amusing the surprise of the guest. The gifts are to be neatly wrapped up in white tissue paper, tied with ribbons, the card of the giver being enclosed. Often some sentiment is written on the card, or an original rhyme; this the recipient reads aloud when the gift is unwrapped.

At one long remembered shower, the centerpiece was a white linen parasol, beautifully embroidered and the gift of the hostess. This, open, was fastened upright, the block of wood which held it being hidden under asparagus plumosus interspersed with pink roses. Under this were arranged the several packages. Between each course the guest of honor was requested to draw and open a parcel, the remainder being opened before leaving the table. At another luncheon the gifts were brought in by a boy dressed as a messenger, one at a time, as if just delivered. The surprise of the guest at the first delivery greatly amused her friends. One guest contributed a handsome lunch cloth, another the napkins to match, each marked with embroidered initials. An embroidered white linen handbag, for use with a white gown, was enclosed in a box about a foot square; within this was another, neatly wrapped and tied, which, opened, contained another and still another, keeping expectancy at its height. The "Jack Horner pie" has been used, and the "showered" girl has been handed a white satin ribbon and been bidden to follow where it led her, discovering at the end the pile of presents.

Gifts for a linen shower may include towels of all kinds, the monogrammed damask and initialed guest towels, embroidered linen pillow slips; centerpieces, doilies, bureau scarfs and many other textile gifts suggest themselves. The "kitchen shower" suggests the useful; the handkerchief shower is dainty.

Refreshments.--The refreshments at such an entertainment may be as simple as one likes, unless the invitations are for a luncheon; in that case they should be more elaborate. Chocolate and sandwiches with cake and ices; sandwiches, cake and coffee, are allowable. The guests are seated at a table, which should be decorated with pink and white flowers. Pink carnations are beautiful for this use. The guest of honor is seated at the hostess's right hand and is served first. She must thank those who have presented the gifts individually, and express to her hostess her pleasure in the entertainment and her gratitude for the trouble she has taken for her.

WEDDING PREPARATIONS.

The Expense of a Wedding.--It may be said at the outset that no wedding should be more costly than the financial standing of the bride's family warrants. If the bridegroom's family is wealthy, and that of the bride in very moderate circumstances, there will be many to intimate that the bridegroom "put up for it." The intimation is a sneer, because the bride's family should pay all the expenses of a wedding. If the expense is manifestly beyond the resources of the bride's father, society lifts its eyebrows.

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