Chapter 85

The best personal asset a girl can have is "nice manners;" they will contribute more to her lasting popularity than beauty or wealth. Girls sometimes wonder how it happens that a girl they have regarded as "too homely" to be accounted dangerous, still carries off the matrimonial prize of "her set." Ten chances to one it is because she has that charm of manner that makes a man overlook her physical deficiencies. Her manners, in such case, are the spontaneous expression of a kind and generous disposition, aided, of course, by a familiarity with the social code that prevents awkwardness. She has ease, and that puts others at their ease; she is companionable; and not being engrossed by her own good looks, she has had time to cultivate the intellectual graces.

[718 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Nothing is more becoming to a young girl than respect and deference to her elders. If for no other reason than that it gives observers an unfavorable opinion of her manners, she should avoid any disrespect or rudeness toward her parents or older sisters. The young girl is often negligent in this respect. Her own ego is exaggerated, owing to her youth and inexperience; she thinks

"What there is to know, I know it; What I don't know isn't knowledge;"

and is much inclined to dub her own mother "old-fashioned." So she contradicts her, precedes her in entering a room, takes the easiest chair, monopolizes the conversation, and in other disrespectful ways endeavors to assert her own importance. Instead of crediting her with more social experience, bystanders consider her a very crude and untrained young person.

Deference to Age.--One reason why convent training is so highly esteemed in our best circles is because girls are taught such beautiful manners. No convent-bred girl would think of showing the slightest disrespect to an older person. They are taught all the little matters of etiquette that contribute to gentle and refined manners. A lady staying at a large summer hotel noted the charming manners of a young Southern girl, especially in regard to the unfailing deference paid to her mother and aunt. She rose when they addressed her and remained standing during the conversation. When the aunt came to the breakfast table the girl rose, standing until the elder lady was seated; if her mother entered one of the reception rooms she excused herself if conversing and advanced to meet her, finding a seat for her and perhaps asking permission to introduce an acquaintance. And it was all done so easily, so naturally, that it was plainly seen there was no affectation, but the unstudied courtesy due to good-breeding.

On the other hand, girls who undertake to show their respect for their seniors sometimes overdo the matter. No elderly person likes to be "fussed over." She doesn't want someone continually thrusting a cushion behind her shoulders or insisting on providing a foot-stool. The unwelcome service provokes a little resentment. One must have an intuitive sense of what to do and when to do it, and tact enough to perform a trifling service without the appearance of saying "See me! how polite I am!" As young men should rise when an elderly woman enters the room, so a young girl may pay the same pretty deference to her mother or an acquaintance. She should be careful not to take precedence of older women, not to interrupt them when speaking, and to render any small service unobtrusively.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 719]

THE YOUNG GIRL'S SOCIAL AFFAIRS.

There is no special code of etiquette for girls. Why should they be trained in one code, only to discard it for another when they enter society? Their etiquette is simply more informal. Until they are "out," they do not give formal invitations. Their functions are chiefly luncheons, invitations being given by telephone or personal notes, and the menu more simple. They may give theatre parties, but never without a chaperon. They do not invite young men to call on them; that is their mother's duty. They do not send written invitations to young men; these are in the mother's name. Thus:

My Dear Mr. Smith: My mother wishes me to say that it will give her much pleasure if you will spend Friday evening, March tenth, with us, quite informally. We hope to see you at eight o' clock. Yours sincerely, Mary Gray.

Such an invitation presupposes the presence of other guests. If for cards, or music or games, mention may be made of the proposed entertainment.

A girl should not receive calls from young men without the presence of some member of the family, her mother by preference, at some time during the evening. A young man should not feel that the girl he calls upon is not properly looked after by her parents.

The Girl and the Chaperon.--Youth scorns the chaperon, regarding her as superfluous. "I can look out for myself," is the young girl's motto. Yet scandal has dimmed the fair name of many a girl through her disinclination to submit to proper chaperonage. The chaperon is much more of a social necessity in the East than she is in the South and West. If a girl proposes to "look ant for herself," there are some things she must carefully abstain from doing. She must not go to a restaurant with a young man alone; she must not travel about with him alone, even if she is engaged to him; she must not go "on excursions" unattended, nor go for a ride with a man and stop anywhere for refreshments; indeed, she should not accept such an invitation unless another couple or another girl are included in the party. This is not prudery; it is protection; and any young man's acquaintance is not desirable if he objects to such arrangements. He would not permit his sister to do what he asks some other man's sister to do. A young man loses in respect for a girl if she holds herself cheap.

If a girl receives invitations of the character just mentioned, it is far better to say frankly "My father (or mother) does not allow me to accept," than to make excuses or plead previous engagements time after time.

[720 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The Girl and the Young Man.--Do not ask a young man to call on the occasion of your first meeting. Young people often meet and make each other's acquaintance when the girl's mother, whose place it is to give the invitation to call, is not present. After several meetings the girl, having ascertained the young man's antecedents, may say, if he seems desirous of the invitation, "'My mother will be glad to know you," or "Mother and I will be pleased to have you call some evening." The young man should acknowledge the compliment by calling at an early date, and should meet the girl's mother, The girl does not suggest when he shall call, though she may mention that she receives calls on a certain evening. She must not give him her card; if he is not sufficiently interested to remember her address he probably does not intend to call.

It is not correct for girls to suggest a walk, ride, hint a wish to dance or row, or tacitly invite a tete-a-tete. Let those who wish such favors ask for them. The girl who shows herself most anxious for young men's attentions generally receives fewest. Despite "the woman's movement," man still insists on his privilege of taking the initiative.

About Gifts.--It is not correct form for a girl to receive presents from young men, aside from flowers, candy and an occasional book or piece of music. In some circles, to offer a girl a piece of jewelry would be considered insulting. Not until he is engaged to her may a man offer expensive presents. This rule, it is lamentably true, is often violated by a certain order of young persons, who rather boast of the gifts of their gallants, and are thus the object of rather unkind criticism.

As a rule, a girl makes a mistake when she sends a gift to a young man. It is generally something that is as superfluous to him as a fifth wheel to a wagon, and it entails an irksome sense of obligation. It is presumed, if he has been very courteous and shown her many attentions, that it has been his pleasure to do so, and her gracious acceptance and pleasure in them is sufficient reward. A girl may give Christmas and birthday gifts to her fiance, but he should not give her any article of wearing apparel except gloves.

The Telephone.--A girl should be chary of calling up her young men acquaintances by telephone. If forced to do so, she should make her communication as brief as possible. It is annoying to a young man to be called from his business to answer social or "nonsense" calls--the latter when some idle, ennuied or "smitten" girl takes a notion she would like to chatter to somebody awhile. It exasperates an employer to have his men called from their duties to answer such calls, and fellow employees are likely to "guy" the man about his "mash." The "note habit" is just about as bad, though not quite as annoying, as the telephone habit, because a man can carry such missives in his pocket unopened.

A wise girl will not give her photograph to any young man until she is engaged to him. What nice girl would care to see her picture neighbored by ballet dancers and footlight favorites in a young man's rooms! She will be equally careful about corresponding with men, writing to but a few intimate and long-known friends, making her letters bright and gay, but carefully avoiding any warmer expressions of regard than those warranted by the friendship. Many a girl has bitterly regretted the affectionate missives sent to some young man who made "werry fierce love" to her for a time, and whose regard afterward cooled. When the man she truly loves comes along, she would give her most precious jewel to get those letters into her hands again. It is a great deal safer not to write them.

A young woman, receiving back her letters at the close of a mistaken engagement, once said:

"I sat down on the floor and read them over, and I tell you I was proud of myself. There wasn't one I wouldn't have been willing to have my father read--and you know what I think of my father!"

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 721]

THE DEBUTANTE.

A large number of young girls enter society without formal introductions. After leaving school, they assume their social responsibilities with no formality. It is seldom that a girl enters the social world under eighteen, or over twenty-two. The early appearance implies no college career; the later, that, she has spent several years at college or finishing school.

Increasingly, however, it is becoming the custom to introduce the young aspirant for social recognition at some function given in her honor. This may be a ball, a reception, a "coming-out party," a dinner, a tea, at which the debutante is introduced to the older members of the circle in which she will move. Whereas her associates heretofore have been young folk of her own age, she now meets the people of all ages who constitute what we call society. Her circle of acquaintances will be much enlarged, and her breeding will be judged by the manner in which she accepts her new obligations.

A Grave Mistake.--The greatest mistake the debutante can make is to treat with carelessness and lack of respect the matrons, young or old, to whom she is introduced. In the arrogance of her youth and ignorance she may think them "old frumps" and devote herself to her mates in age and inexperience. But the "old frumps" hold the trump cards; she will be dependent on them for invitations to many pleasant little functions, especially those exclusive affairs to which it is an honor to be invited, and if she is not personally agreeable, there will always be some one else to take the place that might have been hers, for a chaperon often influences a young man's invitations. Moreover, by her disrespect for age and position she advertises her lack of good breeding and social training.

Her Dress.--The debutante dresses in white at her "coming-out party," as a rule; white being supposed to typify her virginal attitude in the social realm. The mother receives her guests with her daughter standing at her side. It is not uncommon for two girls of about the same age who are close friends to be introduced at the same function. The celebrant's friends send flowers; sometimes the number of bouquets is so great that a screen is arranged behind her on which they are displayed. Girls pique themselves on the number of such tributes.

[722 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

If Not a Belle.--But suppose a girl is not pretty enough, nor rich enough, nor attractive enough to become a social success. She will suffer countless mortifications. In society, as in business, "Nothing succeeds like success." If she is popular, she will have a very happy time as debutante. If she is not "a success," her chaperon will despair of her. She will be partnerless when other girls have too many; she will have to retire to the dressing-room, deeply humiliated because unescorted to the supper-room. She will be a wall-flower while others dance. Young men are very selfish; unless a girl has some claim to consideration, personally, or they expect invitations through her parents, they often will selfishly neglect her.

What shall she do in such a case? She will be happier and more contented to give up the losing fight, find some sphere that is congenial, and determine to adorn it. There are many kinds of belles; she may make herself a belle of the home, a belle in out-door sports, a queen of the chafing-dish. Far better these humbler triumphs than neglect and unhappiness in the social world.

A girl looks forward to her debut with many joyous anticipations, but often finds her second social season a happier one than her first. She is more sure of herself, less shy and reserved; little things--the small mistakes made through ignorance--do not worry her so much; she has gained ease and grace of manner, having shed her self-consciousness.

THE ETIQUETTE OF BALLS.

"Dinner dances" have largely taken the place of balls, the latter having seemingly passed into the hands of clubs and assemblies or being known as "subscription dances." One must have a very large house, with ball-room, to give a ball successfully, so it is customary to engage private apartments at some fashionable restaurant or hotel, where there are accommodations for such an affair.

Invitations are formal, and of course engraved. If a debutante is to be presented her card may or may not be, but usually is, enclosed with the invitation. The patronesses of a subscription dance are entitled to invitations which they send to their friends, enclosing their card. The word "ball" never appears on an invitation; its nature is indicated by "Cotillion," the fashionable name for what was called "the German." The hostess or hostesses stand near the entrance to the ball-room, and should see that the guests receive a fair amount of attention. The supper is provided by a caterer, of course. Two orchestras, playing alternately, provide music; they are screened behind palms and other plants. Balls generally begin about eleven o'clock, the hour named on the cards being half after ten, and everybody waiting in the hope that someone else may arrive earlier. General dancing is in order until supper is served; afterwards the cotillion is danced.

At the dinner dance, the cotillion is preceded by a dinner, given by the hostess at her own house, or by several hostesses at some restaurant, where each presides over a table. Dinner and subscription dances are much favored by the younger set, as the hostesses act in the capacity of chaperons, and the company is gayer.

To bid one's hostess good night--or good morning--and express one's pleasure in her entertainment is obligatory.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 723]

GARDEN PARTIES.

Jupiter Pluvius apparently has a grouch against garden-parties, so often does he shake his sieve with deliberate intent to spoil the affair, which is after all, merely afternoon tea out of doors. The hostess anxiously consults "the probabilities" as to weather, and if storm threatens must hastily convert her garden fete into an in-door function. If blessed with a bright day, a garden party is a pretty affair. The women wear beautiful light gowns, en train by preference, and their flower-laden hats and gay parasols contribute to the charm of the scene.

The garden-party is the special prerogative of the out-of-town hostess. She has the lawn and the trees without which a party of this character cannot be undertaken. Invitations may be formal, or the hostess may use her card with the hour and the date and "Garden Party" written in the lower left hand corner. If guests from a distance are expected to arrive by train or trolley they must be notified of the train or car which will be met by carriages or automobiles she provides.

The hostess receives on the lawn, and hats are retained. Games, like lawn tennis, archery, croquet, should be provided. Guests wander about and entertain each other, and seek the refreshment tables when so inclined. The supper may be served under a tent or in the house. Seats are provided, and rugs spread on the grass. No matter if the weather is unfavorable the guests are expected to present themselves, as the hostess will quickly transform her out-door fete into an in-door affair in case of rain.

Refreshments.--A hostess is not expected to use her best china and linen at a garden party. She should have an ample supply of napkins, plates, cups and silver, but the expense of hiring them from a caterer is offset by the danger of breakage and loss.

She may serve salads, sandwiches, cakes, ices and ice creams, fruit, and claret cup; or sandwiches, cakes, ice cream and lemonade and fruit punch. Hot tea should be provided for those who prefer it, especially if rain drives the guests in-doors. The young matrons are invited to pour it. The maids should remove soiled dishes and napkins promptly, and keep the tables looking fresh. Music is usually provided.

AT SMALL ENTERTAINMENTS.

Many small, informal entertainments are more enjoyable than those larger affairs given for the purpose of paying off social debts. Good will and jollity prevail, and people "go in for a good time."

[724 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Card Parties.--The most stringent rule of etiquette at a card-party is to be punctual, that the tables may be filled up in good season. The second rule is to keep good-natured, even if your partner fails to return your lead or trumps your ace. Some people make themselves very disagreeable over cards, and are avoided as partners. If unfortunate enough to be paired off with such a person, at least control your own annoyance.

Never descend to the meanness of telegraphing information, hinting at your preferences in the way of trumps, overlooking a neighbor's hand, or taking any unfair advantage. A prize thus won is no honor. Nor do such violations of good breeding pass unnoticed.

At the Party.--If one accepts an invitation to a card party she is supposed to have sufficient proficiency to play the game proposed with some degree of credit; otherwise she should promptly send regrets. Invitations may be formal or informal, or the hostess may send her card with "Bridge, at half after two o'clock," or "Euchre," or "Five Hundred," written upon it. Replies are to be sent at once. Many such invitations are given by telephone. The guests are assigned to tables by the hostess, the names being written at the top of the scorecards. Two packs of cards are on each table, and small pencils attached to the score-cards. Playing begins when all are present. Or the hostess may fill the tables as the guests arrive, begin playing at the stated time, and assign late comers to places as they come in. Hats are kept on at an afternoon card-party. The usual limit for playing is two hours. The "progressive" fashion requires the providing of two prizes, the first prize and a consolation prize for the person having the lowest score. If prizes are given at each table they should be duplicates. These prizes are wrapped up in tissue paper and tied with ribbons, and are to be opened at once, displayed, and the hostess cordially thanked. It is not good form to be ostentatiously generous in the matter of prizes, nor should guests show themselves too eager to win.

It is customary to engage card tables and chairs for such an entertainment. The refreshments are served on these tables. Punch is sometimes served while the game is in progress.

Very often the hostess invites some of her friends who do not play cards to come in for refreshments at half after four or five o'clock.

Refreshments should not be too elaborate for either afternoon or evening card-parties. Sandwiches, coffee, and small cakes, or ices and cake, for the afternoon; salad of some kind with coffee, olives, and some sweet or fancy wafer, for evening. Men enjoy an oyster stew served hot in the dining room.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 725]

YOUNG GIRLS' PARTIES.

Until a girl is formally launched in society, her parties are of the simplest and most informal kind. She will invite a few friends to tea, or to a card-party, giving informal invitations and confining them to her school friends and most intimate acquaintances. Games, music, and the like are the usual amusements. Properly chaperoned, she may give a small theater party.

Birthday Party.--The largest of her social functions will probably be her birthday party. For this, her birthday flower will be chosen for decorations. Her young friends may give her little presents. Once in a season she may be invited to a small dance given for some schoolmate. This she will attend, prettily and simply gowned, and properly chaperoned. On no account will she go alone in a carriage, or with a young man alone. If she is a well bred girl she will not pique herself in dancing every dance, nor "split the dances" into fragments to please those who wish to dance with her. She will be careful not to romp nor laugh too loud; nor to permit herself to be held too closely in dancing, nor be served too often with punch.

"STAG" DINNERS.

The woman who wishes to give her husband a birthday party or anniversary will not go amiss if she makes it a "stag dinner"--that is, a dinner for men only.

To this she invites as many of his men friends as she can accommodate, and provides a good, substantial meal, without any "frills." It need not be elaborate if everything is good of its kind, well cooked and served hot. The menu may include oysters, roast fowl, two vegetables, several relishes, and an entree, with some simple dessert and good coffee. She will also see to it that the cigars are of the proper excellence. It is optional whether she sits at the table till the coffee and cigars are served, or stays in the kitchen to superintend the serving. Red is the most appropriate color for decorations, since a man's ideas of color are usually rather crude. Men always enjoy a dinner of this kind. The evening may conclude with cards.

A stag card-party sometimes takes the place of a dinner; it is followed by a substantial supper.

THE MUSICAL AND INFORMAL TEA.

At a musical, guests are seated, the hostess remaining near the door to welcome late arrivals. If these arrive while a selection is in progress, they stand till it is finished, then find seats. Guests do not leave their seats during the intermission, but converse with those in the vicinity. Refreshments are always served. Hats are removed.

For a very informal tea the hostess sends her card with the date and hour written across the lower corner. If a friend is staying with her, she may write "to meet Mrs. A." at the top. She will offer a cup of tea and cakes or wafers to each comer, or may ask some friend to do so for her, leaving her free to mingle with her visitors. Simplicity and informality characterize this form of receiving friends.

[726 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN.