Part 90

When to Write.--Notes of invitation should be promptly answered. So should business letters. As for friendly letters, were they answered at once, by both parties, the exchange would be so brisk that too much time would be thus occupied. One may let a reasonable time elapse before replying; this depending upon the intimacy. Friends whose time is much taken up with other cares, but who do not wish to lose touch with each other, not infrequently agree to exchange letters at certain dates or anniversaries. Both may write simultaneously, or one write and the other reply.

Make it a point to re-read the letter you are about to answer, and take pains to reply to any questions your correspondent may have asked. Nothing is more maddening than to make several important inquiries and find them wholly ignored while your friend tells you how busy she is, how many engagements she has in the future, how tired she is, and prefaces these uninteresting details with a long apology for her silence. Who was it said "An apology is a mistaken explanation"?

Postal cards are not considered in correspondence. They are to be used only for business, or where one is traveling and wishes to inform her friends of her whereabouts. The picture or souvenir postals are largely used for this purpose. But the postal card, in correspondence, is like a call when the lady is out and you do not leave your card--it doesn't count.

In regard to love-letters, bear in mind what Rousseau says:

"To write a good love-letter you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and finish without knowing what you have written." Then, having unbosomed yourself, don't send it.

Care in Writing.--It is well to remember, that once you have dropped a letter into the box, it is no longer yours. It belongs to the person to whom it is addressed. If you have been indiscreet, the matter is out of your hands. Therefore, be careful what you write. You cannot tell what use your correspondent may make of it. Your friend may be trustworthy, but careless; some one may be dishonest enough to read it; it may be lost. It is a good plan to write nothing you would not be willing to have read before a roomful of people who know that you wrote it.

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Avoid personalities. Don't commit your unflattering opinions of other people to paper. The letter is a witness whose veracity is unquestioned.

Don't read your letters to others, unless they are family letters in which all may rightly have a share. A letter is a private communication.

Keeping Letters.--It is a bad plan to keep old letters, especially if they are of a personal nature, or if they contain confidences or secrets. When the owner dies, there is no knowing to what use they may be put. One regrets the publication of the private letters of great men and women, showing, as they so often do, the foolish, silly, conceited side of a character we have admired. Private letters are often disillusioning, or betray the presence of the skeleton of the family, unhappiness or disgrace.

The safest way is to keep a letter till it is answered, then destroy it, This does away with a lot of useless lumber.

Letters of Congratulation and Condolence.--It is not possible to give forms for letters of this character. They are meaningless unless they come from the heart, and should be characterized by sincerity. Nevertheless, they should be written, and promptly, as also letters of acknowledgment of gifts, favors offered, and the "bread-and-butter letter"--the missive you write to your hostess after a few days' visit. Letters of condolence are especially difficult to write. One so fears to wound instead of comforting. If one can offer some quotation that has been a personal help in time of sorrow, it is often gratefully appreciated. But because we "don't know what to say" we must not omit writing. The letter is often a greater kindness than the call, which is a tax upon the strength of the mourner.

"The path of sorrow, and that path alone, leads to the land where sorrow is unknown; no traveler ever reached that blessed abode who found not sorrows in his road."

"Wherever souls are being tried and ripened in whatever commonplace and homely way, there God is hewing out the pillars for His temple."

Do not think you must write a long letter. A few well chosen phrases, sincere expressions of feeling, are more grateful to one who grieves. One may say:

My dearest Friend:-- It is with sincerest sorrow I have just heard of your great bereavement. I cannot hope to comfort you; God only can do that, but I want to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your sad affliction. Believe me, most faithfully yours,

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On the other hand, if we must congratulate, we may write:

I have just heard of your engagement to Mr. Blank, and wish to be among the first of your friends to express my sympathy with you in your happiness. I have known Mr. Blank for some time, and greatly admire his many good qualities. I am sure you are very happy with him, and will be more so as you grow together in marriage. Hoping good fortune and joy may always be your portion in life, and present bliss an earnest of more in store for you, I am, Most sincerely yours,

MANNERS FOR MEN.

"Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or all other good qualities or talents."--Chesterfield.

Though what we call society is largely vested in women, and women's customs regulate etiquette, men are by no means exempt from the necessity of knowing and practising what we call good manners. A man can have no greater charm than that easy, unstudied, unconscious compliance with social forms which marks what we call "a man of the world"--the man who knows what a good manner requires of him in any situation, and does it quietly and with the grace of habit.

There has been no time in the history of the world when good manners counted for more than at the present. This is true of both men and women. It is so true that in certain fields it is practically impossible to succeed without their aid. The value of a pleasing manner can hardly be overestimated. Such a manner is as far from the self-assurance and presumptuous familiarity which some men assume under the idea that these are impressive, as night is from day.

Value of Courtesy.--Courtesy has a commercial value, and exerts no little influence upon a man's success in business. Polite attention and readiness to oblige bring customers again and again, where their lack would send people to rival houses.

We can forgive, in the intellectually great, or in the man of affairs who has done things worth doing, a lack of social training that would not be endured in a man with no such claim. Yet this is not saying that the great man would not command more unqualified admiration were he to practise the social graces instead of ignoring them. The truth is, the fact that we have to overlook the absence of these graces induces a more critical attitude toward his achievements. Great though he be in spite of his lack of courtesy, we feel he would have been greater had he known and practised the art of gentle manners.

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The Manners of the Gentleman.--These "gentle-manners," that make the "gentle man" are an indispensable requisite to success in society. They testify to a man's good breeding, to his social affiliations; they "place him." They often bring a man many things that wealth could not.

The rich boor is despised in spite of his money. The poor man may be popular because of his pleasing personality and his fine manner.

Men sometimes profess to despise those refinements that are associated with good manners, saying they detest affectations. But these things are not to be affectations. They should be the outward expression of inward kindness and good-will and unselfishness. The cultivation of good manners is a duty; somebody has said that "the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that of good morals that they seem almost inseparable." John G. Holland says somewhere: "Young men would be thoroughly astonished if they could comprehend at a glance how greatly their personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness depend on their manners." Emerson remarked that,--"Manners should bespeak the man, independent of fine clothes. The general does not need a fine coat."

A Matter of Training.--It may be that politeness is instinctive with some, but with most men (women also), it is a matter of training and habit, and careful discipline. In process of time courtesy becomes perfectly natural, so gracefully spontaneous it seems to be.

Here is where the mother's work in the early training of her sons comes in. Taught from childhood, by example and precept, the observances that make for good manners, the young man wears them as easily and as unconsciously as he does his clothes.

Politeness an Armor.--There is no better armor against rudeness and discourtesy than politeness. The individual is impervious to slights and snubs who can meet them with the courtesy which at once puts the common person in his proper place as the inferior.

A woman is shocked and repelled by disagreeable manners in a man, manifested in discourtesy toward her, by an awkward manner, coarse speech, incivility, neglect of the little attentions she expects of a man and which men of breeding render as a matter of course. A woman is more likely to fall in love with a homely man of pleasing address than with an Adonis so clad in self-complacency that he thinks politeness unnecessary, or one who does not know its forms.

THE ETIQUETTE OF THE HAT.

The first rule a man should observe in regard to his hat is never to wear it in the presence of women, save in the open. If mothers would take the trouble to train their small sons to rigid observance of the rule of removing their head covering the moment they enter the house there would, be fewer adults guilty of this particular discourtesy, which is at once the greatest and the most common. One occasionally sees a man wearing his hat and preceding a woman down the aisle of a theatre.

The expression, "tipping the hat," is a vulgarism. A man doesn't "tip" his hat, he raises it quite off his head.

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The Coachman's Salute.--The semi-military salute--raising the hand to the hat as if to lift it, but merely approaching the forefinger to the brim--is a discourtesy to a woman. Such a salute would bring a reproof in military circles; it is objectionable among men. Actually it is the manner in which a man-servant acknowledges an order from his master or mistress, and is not inaptly called "the coachman's salute."

A man wears his hat on the street, on the deck of the steamboat, in a picture-gallery or promenade concert-room. He removes it in a theatre, the opera-house, and the parlors of a hotel.

When to Raise the Hat.--Men raise their hats to each other on the street. They extend the same courtesy to all members of their family, of both sexes. A well-bred man raises his hat to his little daughter, as he would to his wife.

On the street, a man must wait for a lady to recognize him, but should be ready to remove his hat simultaneously with her greeting, raising and replacing it quickly. The fashion of removing the hat after meeting a lady is absurd. How does she know the courtesy has been extended?

When a man is with a lady who recognizes an acquaintance, he must raise his hat, whether he knows the individual or not. He should, however, keep his eyes straight ahead, not looking at the person.

If he meets a man walking with a lady whom he does not know, he waits the man's recognition.

A man removes his hat in an elevator if women enter or are already inside. This rule is often ignored in large public buildings.

If a woman bows to a man in any place where it is his privilege to wear his hat, he removes his hat and does not replace it while she is talking with him. This rule applies everywhere except on the street. "A gentleman of the old school" will stand bareheaded on the street if exchanging a word or two with a lady; in such case she may request him to replace his hat.

A man when driving or motoring cannot remove his hat. He bends forward slightly and touches his hat brim with his whip, held upright, in the first case, and raises his hand to the visor of his cap in the latter.

At Other Times.--When he is able to render some slight service to a woman whom he does not know, she will thank him with a slight inclination of the head and a smile, and he should raise his hat. When he relinquishes his seat in the street car, he should give the lady a chance to acknowledge his courtesy, and then raise his hat.

Men raise their hats and stand uncovered as a funeral cortege passes into the church or from a house, and at the grave.

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They also stand uncovered when the United States flag is borne past, or the national hymn--the "Star Spangled Banner"--is played in public, at a military review, etc.

When a man passes a lady in the corridor of a hotel, or on the stairway, he should raise his hat.

When he takes leave of a lady, the same act of deference is expected.

Hat and Coat When Calling.--When calling, the man looks after his own hat, overcoat and stick. His hostess does not offer to relieve him of them, nor suggest the removal of his coat. He deposits his hat and stick on table or seat in the hall before entering the drawing-room, and takes off his overcoat if his call is to be prolonged. Or, he may take them all with him into the drawing room if his call is to be brief. In any event, it is his business to dispose of them according to his own pleasure.

RULES FOR PRECEDENCE.

A man precedes a woman in going down-stairs and follows her in going up. This is that he may be in readiness to catch her should she fall.

He allows a woman to precede him on entering or leaving a room, and should open the door for her.

On entering a hotel dining-room the man may precede the lady to the table assigned them, on the occasion of their first meal, standing until she is seated. Afterwards, he may follow her as the head-waiter leads the way. Sometimes he permits her to precede him in the first case.

The question is sometimes asked who should follow the usher on entering church or theatre. The rule above stated obtains. The woman follows the usher; the man follows her.

The man allows the lady to enter the carriage first, but descends before her that he may assist her to alight. The same rule prevails in regard to entering and leaving a street car, etc.

ABOUT SMOKING.

The old rule of good manners: "A gentleman does not smoke in the presence of ladies," is many times violated in these modern times. There is a story of an elderly woman who, being asked if smoke was offensive to her, replied: "I do not know. No gentleman has ever smoked in my presence." The woman of today is more likely to answer "Oh, dear no! I love the odor of a good cigar." The truth is the cigar has become such a constant and apparently necessary adjunct to a man that to banish it is in effect to banish the man. And women prefer to endure the smoke rather than have the man absent himself. There are very few cafes and restaurants where men do not conclude their repast with a good cigar, even when entertaining ladies.

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Where Not to Smoke.--Nevertheless, there are times and places when and where a man should not smoke. When he is about to meet a lady he knows he removes his cigar before removing his hat and bowing. If he wishes to join the lady, walking a short distance with her, he throws away his cigar before doing so. He does not smoke, when driving with a lady, unless possibly in the country. He should not smoke when walking with her--but he often does, with her full consent and permission. In fact, women, as has been said, are responsible for men's lapses in the way of smoking.

A guest does not smoke in his host's house unless especially invited to do so, by his host, not some younger member of the family or another visitor.

At a dinner party at which ladies are present, men do not smoke until the ladies have left the dining-room.

It is a bad form to smoke when anyone is singing, unless in those free-and-easy places of amusement where "everything goes."

About Expectoration.--No man should smoke, anywhere or at any time, who cannot smoke without using a cuspidor. It is a practice so much worse than smoking, so thoroughly abominable in itself, that no man with any claim to good breeding or good manners permits himself to indulge in it.

In most homes, nowadays, men are permitted to smoke "all over the house." It is better, wherever possible, to let the man have a "den" where he may smoke with his friends. The practice of smoking in bedrooms is reprehensible; the air one will breathe through the night should not be vitiated.

BACHELOR HOSPITALITY.

"A bachelor's life is a splendid breakfast; a tolerably flat dinner; and a most miserable supper."

Being a bachelor does not excuse a man from certain forms of hospitality. Many "society men" live in apartments, at the present time, and may entertain the ladies who have favored them with invitations; in fact, it is expected that a man who has often been entertained will reciprocate in some fashion.

If a bachelor's quarters are too restricted for any other form of entertaining, he may give a theatre party, followed by a supper at some cafe. Or he may do this without the theatre party. Of course, such an entertainment is expensive, but he must remember that the ladies who have entertained him have spent a good deal of money on their fetes.

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The Bachelor and the Chaperon.--The first thing the bachelor must do is to secure a chaperon. She must be a married woman of unimpeachable reputation. Having done this, he invites the other members of the party, first submitting his list to her approval. The usual number is six, three men and three women, or two men and four ladies. Two men may join forces to entertain a quartet of ladies, or more, and thus halve the expense. The carriage or taxicab is sent first to the residence of the chaperon; the host accompanies it or may meet it there. The other ladies are called for, the other men generally meet the carriages at the theatre. The host sits next the chaperon at the theatre and at the supper, placing her on his right.

If a supper is to follow, and it almost always does, the host has reserved a table at the hotel or cafe and has perhaps ordered flowers and a special menu in advance. He has also settled the account, so that he has only to cross the waiter's palm with silver at the conclusion of the repast, in acknowledgment of faultless service.

Cheaper Ways of Entertaining.--In summer there are cheaper ways in which a bachelor may payoff his social obligations. Most bachelors belong to clubs, where they may give luncheons or suppers. There are roof-gardens and outdoor vaudeville, open-air concerts, etc., that may be made pleasurable occasions. He may charter a yacht, in company with several friends, and entertain a dozen or half score ladies with a sailing party. At all these, however, he must provide a chaperon.

A very pleasant and informal way for a bachelor to entertain is to invite some of his more intimate women acquaintances to afternoon tea at his apartments. For this he writes personal notes or gives verbal invitations. He asks some married, lady to assist him, placing it in the light of a favor to himself. She must arrive early, and remain until the last guest has left. The host pays the chaperon special deference, asking her to pour the tea, and either escorting her home or ordering a carriage for her.

Elaborate refreshments are not necessary at such an affair. Sandwiches, cakes, tea, served in the American fashion or a la' Russe, are sufficient. The chaperon presides at the refreshment table. All things needed for the refreshment of the guests may be ordered from a caterer. If the affair is in the evening, chocolate and coffee may be served instead of tea, or cakes, coffee and ices.

The Bachelor's Chafing Dish.--If the circumstances of the bachelor permit, he may give a chafing-dish supper, presiding over the manufacture of a Welsh rarebit or lobster a la Newburg, making the coffee himself in a machine. This might take the place of the supper at a restaurant after the play. After such a supper, or a dinner in his rooms, the host escorts the ladies to their carriages, and accompanies the chaperon to her home.

If none of these methods of entertaining chance to be within the man's means--for many poor men of pleasing address are social favorites--he may fall back on the pretty compliment implied in sending flowers or bonbons, remembering that matrons as well as "buds" appreciate such attentions.

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In Village Society.--In small towns and in the country, the young man would ridicule the idea of having a chaperon along. He seldom considers the question of repaying social invitations, or paying calls after an entertainment. He should be careful to show courtesy to the host and hostess, to dance with the latter and her daughter at a dancing party, and may escort mother and daughter or the mother and some one of her friends, to a lecture or concert. Generally he ignores all claims of this character. But he should not.

Should He Offer His Arm?--A man seldom offers a woman his arm nowadays, unless she is so elderly or infirm that she needs the support. For a couple to walk arm in arm in daylight is decidedly provincial. For a man to take a woman's arm is a liberty not permissible unless she is a member of his family. He should offer his arm if holding an umbrella over her at night, on a poorly lighted street or a country road at night. A woman, unless very infirm or ill, should not walk arm-in-arm with a man in daylight.

The Outside of the Walk.--A man usually walks on a woman's right, in order to protect her if necessary, It looks absurd, however, for him to be dodging around her to keep on the outside of the walk unless some danger is to be encountered.

Minor Matters of Men's Etiquette.--A man should not carry a girl's parasol; he should however assume any parcel she may be carrying.

When a man escorts a woman to her home it is not correct for him to linger at the door. He should accompany her up the steps, ring the bell and wait until she is admitted. If the hour is at all late he should not enter, even though invited.

It is extremely bad form for a man to speak of a woman by her Christian name while talking to casual acquaintances. Though long acquaintance may sanction the familiarity at home, or among intimate friends, to all outsiders she should be Miss.

The custom of leaving the theatre between acts is inexcusable. If a man is escorting a lady, he is guilty of great rudeness if he leaves her,

Cards and Calls.--If calling on a lady who is visiting a person who is a stranger to him, he must ask for her hostess, sending up a card for her as well as for his friend. If calling with a lady, he should wait for her to give the signal for departure.

The man who attends an afternoon tea should leave a card for each lady mentioned in the invitation, and for the host, whether the latter was present or not. He must send the same number of cards if unable to be present, enclosing them all in an envelope which fits the cards, addressing it to the hostess, and mailing it so that it will be received on the day of the function. He must call upon his hostess within two weeks after an invitation to a dinner or ball.

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