Part 2

Now old Mother Bunch takes her leave; and going homeward she meets with a young maid which was going to the wedding. How do you do, mother? Thank you, daughter. Whither art a going? To the wedding I believe; ay, Mother Bunch, so I am; but hark you, mother, will you sit down a little, I have something to say to you. What is it daughter? Why mother you can tell many things if you please, and I would have you when you think I shall be married, ay but daughter would you fain be married? Yes, mother, if I could but get a good husband. Then, daughter, I will tell thee the best I can, if thou will take my advice. In the month of January there are many very dangerous days for thee to take notice of in many kind of waies, and I will give thee notice of them, that is the first, the second, the fourth and fifth; there is a great many more, but in these there is great danger, for if thou think to be married on any of these daies I say there will be great danger that thy husband will make thee a cuckold, or thou wilt make him one, or else you will be soon parted by one means or other; but for all that there be so many bad daies in this month, yet I can tell of one day in this month which is lucky, and many young men and maids have a deal of hearts ease on that day, or the day after, as I shall let thee understand if thou wilt but take my advice I shall tell thee there is in January a day called St. Agnes day, it is alwaies the one and twentieth day of the month. This St. Agnes has a great favour to young men and maids, and will bring to their bedsides (as that night) their sweethearts, if they will follow this rule as I shall declare unto thee; therefore take good notice of what I shall tell thee: Upon this St. Agnes day you must be sure to keep a true fast, for thou must neither eat nor drink all that day, nor at night, neither let any man, woman or child kiss thee that day; and thou must be sure at night when thou goest to bed, to put on a clean shift, and the best thou hast the better thou maist speed, and thou must have clean cloaths on thy head, for St. Agnes does love to see clean clothes when she comes; and when thou liest down on thy bed, lie thee down on thy back as straight as thou canst, and lay both thy hands under thy head behind and say these words:—

Now good St. Agnes play thy part, And send to me my own sweetheart; And shew me such an happy bliss, This night of him to have a kiss.

And then be sure to fall asleep as soon as thou canst and before thou awake out of thy first sleep, thou shalt see him come and stand before thee, and thou shalt perceive by his habit what tradesman he is; but be sure thou declare not thy dream unto any body in ten daies and by that time thou may come to see thy dream come to pass. All this I have approved three times; for I have had three husbands, and they proved all three tradesmen; the first was a straw joiner, the second was a louse trap maker, and the third was of the gentle craft; and he come to me with his awl in his hand, and would needs prick me, ay and did prick me, but it did not hurt me; for when I awaked out of my dream I was never the worse; but I thought the time very long till he came again, and so will all maidens do that have a desire to be married, but as for all those maids which is not minded to try St. Agnes I will tell thee the best way I can to choose them husbands by phansie, for I know some maids would have husbands some of one condition and some of another, for some will say that they will have a handsome man and a neat man, a witty man and a pretty man, nay there is no good conditions that belong to a man but they would have him to have them all, which is a thing impossible, but I must needs tell such as be so covetous that may come to be beholden to the old proverb which says:—

If you will not when you may, When you will you shall have nay.

Therefore take my advice, and that is, if a young man comes unto you which is of a civil carriage, and of a good honest parentage, and thou think that thou canst love him, then thou must not be scornful with him, but give him civil entertainment, according to his behaviour; but of all conditions be sure to hold thy legs together, till thou have authority to lay them wide open.

And as for young men, my advice is to them to be wary in their choice, for there is as much danger in chusing a wife as can be in young women chusing husbands, for there is deceit in both; therefore, I advise all young men to _look before they_ _leap_, and in so doing they may prevent danger in time, therefore young men take a little of my advice in your choice; if thou can chuse take not one that hath a long nose with a scowling brow, and thin lips, for in such is great danger, for such commodity proves to have a long tongue, and that often proves the worst weapon a woman has, for I am sure he that is ty'd to a scold, is ty'd to a world of sorrow; also chuse not one that is counted a slut, for if she be a slut to be sure she is idle withall, and those two conditions will bring thee to poverty; nay besides, the old saying is, _A slut will poison thy gut_, and if thou disdain to eat with her, thou wilt think much to lie with her, if thou forsake her bed thou must have one somewhere, but where judge thou thyself. Yet now I will let you understand my best advice for young men to chuse them wives: in the first place be sure thou take one for love, not altogether for riches, for riches has wings and flyeth away; but true love will never decay; for where love is there is the blessing of God, and where the blessing of God is there can be no want, but if thy desire be to have a wife to live a loving contented life withall, then thou must not set thy mind too much on riches, but chuse a good handsome civil maid, which is not given to pride, nor scornful in carriage and of uncivil parentage; such a maid may make a good wife; but one that has a great portion will look to be maintained proudly, nay besides she instead of rubbing thy shins in bed will be sure to rub thy nose oft with her great portion, which will breed a great deal of dissension, for ill words corrupt good manners, and one evil word brings in another, so let this suffice you have a desire to have good wives: and take notice of what I have already said, and you may come to speed the better.

And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will not try St. Agnes fortune then let them be sure to chuse a handsome young man that is lusty and able to do his work; for if she be fain to seek for another to do that work which he should do it may breed great dissension.

And thus endeth Mother Bunch's advice to all young men and maids, wishing good luck and good fortune to them all. And now (rather than you should think you have not enough for your money) the author has added two merry songs:

_Tune of “Cuddle my Cuddle.”_

You young men and batchelors all, Take notice of what I shall say; The strongest man may catch a fall If with Venus he delight to play.

It is nothing for to woo a maid, If he have but to please her withal; But yet he may soon be betray'd, If she chance backward to fall.

Young Cupid is a pretty fine boy And Venus his mother loves sport And gallants doth love for to toy With pretty young ladies at the Court.

The Ploughman loves country Jone, Betty, Mary, and lovely Nan; And he with a merry tone Can please them every one.

But Jone loves Jarvis the Joiner, And Betty with Martin can bill, And Mary loves John the gold-finder, And Nan loves George of the Mill.

Tom Tinker loves Kate and her kettle And Kate she thinks him her best friend Because he's a man of mettle. Concluding my ditty doth end.

_Another of the same tune._

Attend ye gentlemen all, And a Story I here will unfold A bad story oft proves too true For the poor suffers hunger and cold.

'Twas writ in an evening bright, When Bacchus began to be muddy, And Luna gave glorious light Then Poor Tom fell into his study.

Which troubled his brain full sore, To see how extortion doth thrive And conscience kicked out of door, Such cruelty now is alive.

My lady can dance in her smock Whilst Joan at tick-tack doth play A cuckold the cradle may rock; For he that is bound must obey.

His master if he doth command, And his mistress if she do bid go; For some women would have all to stand Hold, earman, lest you overthrow.

A woman when she is unlac'd Much danger is got by a fall; Between the foot and the waist The Cobbler will work with his awl.

Now for those poor young creatures that have pined themselves to the green sickness, and neglected the cure till it is almost past, those that are the worst pretenders to phisnomy might easily guess their distemper and prescribe their remedy without the help of a dispensatory, and all those of what constitution soever, that languish in single sheets till fifteen; I will tell (if your courage will serve to try the experiment) how you shall know and see the persons that shall ease you of the simple thing so much talked of called a maidenhead, by him that must be your husband, collected from the Twelve Sybils, Trismajistus, and Cornelius Agrippa, and this is

_The First Way._

You that desire to know it this way must wait till Midsummer Eve, then at night three or four of you, or more or less, must take your smocks and dip them in fair water, then turn the wrong side outwards, and hang them on chairs before the fire, and have by you a vessel with drink in it and lay some salt in another before the fire, and be sure not to speak a word whatever you hear or see. In a little time the likeness of those persons you shall marry will come and turn your smocks, and drink to you; now if there be any of you that will never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest but whoever hears this bell none of my authors is positive that she shall dye a maid.

_Another, and quickly tried._

Which is this: you are only to take a little hemp-seed and go into what place you please by yourself, and carry the seed in your apron, and with your right hand throw it over your left shoulder, saying thus:

Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow, And he that must be my true love, Come after me and mow.

And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you are to wed, or else hear a bell, as before.

Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell, 'Tis your fault if you lead apes in hell.

_Another way._

Which is this: you that dare venture yourselves into a church-yard just as it strikes twelve, take there a naked sword in your hand, and go nine times about the church, saying only thus, _Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?_ Which continue all the time you go round; and the ninth time the person you are to marry will meet you with a scabbard, and so kiss you; if not, a bell as before.

_Another, which is called the Dutch Cake._

Three, or four, or more of you are to make a cake of half flour and half salt (no matter what flour it is) and some of every one of your own water, make this cake broad and thin, then every one of you either make a mark that you know or set the two first letters of your name on it with a pin or bodkin, but leave such a distance that it may be cut; then set it before the fire to bake, but all this while speak not a word. Turn it every one of you once, then let it bake a little more and then throw on every one a little salt and she that turn'd it first let her turn it again, then the person to be her husband will cut out her name and break it in two and give her one half, and so the next, and the next, till the last. If there be any so unfortunate to hear a bell, I wish I had them to my bedfellows this night to prevent leading apes in hell.

_Another way._

The first change of the new moon in the new year; the first time you see, hold your hands across, saying this three times,

New moon, new moon, I pray thee Tell me this night who my true love will be.

Then go to bed without speaking any more that night and you will certainly dream of the person you are to marry.

_Another, experienced very often._

Young men or maids may do onely this: Take some rosemarry flowers, and some bay leaves, a little thyme, sweet marjoram, and sidder wood; make these into powder, and with a little barley flour make a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your head any Friday night, and if you dream of musick, you will marry those you desire in a little time; if of the sea or ships, you'll travel first; if of a church, you must be contented to die single.

_Another._

The first time you hear the cuckoo sing look under your left shoe and you will find hair of the colour of your wife or husband without the help of the Devil.

THE

HISTORY

OF

MOTHER BUNCH OF THE WESTE

CONTAINING

MANY RARITIES OUT OF HER GOLDEN CLOSET OF CURIOSITIES.

_PART THE SECOND._

_Printed and Sold at the Printing-Office Bow Church-Yard, London._

INTRODUCTION.

One Michaelmas-day old Mother Bunch sitting upon the bank of a river, joining to a neighbouring grove, she beheld the late flourishing branches in their decay, whose leaves were falling to the earth. From this she began to consider seriously of her own mortality; and since Old Time had hurried on the Winter of her age, which had covered her head with grey locks, she might expect e'er long she must fall like the leaves to the earth; therefore she resolved, in regard she had always been a kind friend to young men and maids, that she would leave a fair testimony of her love before she left the world; since her painful study and strict observation had made a large improvement in her stock of knowledge, she would not have it buried in the grave with her, but leave it to posterity, for the benefit of young men and maids, whereby they may learn to understand their good and bad fortunes, and by the direction of this book, be furnished with many secret rarities never published to the world.

Accordingly the next day she wrote letters of invitation to the young men and maids to repair to her house on St. Luke's day; the maids she appointed to come in the morning to be first instructed, for these two reasons as she herself was a woman, she would teach the young women first, lest the batchelors should be too severe on them; the second was it being Horn Fair day, many of the batchelors would be employed in the morning, in handing old citizens young wives to the fair, and in the afternoon they might be at liberty. This was the determination of Old Mother Bunch.

THE SECOND PART OF

MOTHER BUNCH, ETC.

Now against the day appointed, Mother Bunch deck'd her house, and getting up very early that morning she placed herself in the closet where her treasure lay. Now the first that entered the room was Margery Loveman, a maltster's maid, who with a low curtsey said, Good morrow, Mother Bunch, I am come to partake of your bounty; for I hear you have a second time opened your Golden Closet of Curiosities.—Yes, daughter, said she, so I have, and thou shalt partake of it.—Here are infallible rules and directions in all manner of love intrigues, that you may know what sort of man you'll marry, and whether he will prove loving or no. Dear mother these are the things I would know; for believe me out of all my sweethearts I'd willingly chuse the best; 'tis true I have 150_l._ the noise of which has brought many sweethearts, and I'd willingly know which come for pure love and which for the lucre of the money. Daughter, said she, here is an experiment, if you will but try it, will make a full discovery of the reality of their love. Let a report be spread, that you are robbed of all you have in the world; if, after this, there is any one continues his love as before, you may be sure he is faithful. But be sure keep this counsel to yourself, that the mystery may not be discovered. I'll take care of that, dear mother, quoth Margery, and I heartily thank you for this kind advice, so good morrow, for I must needs go.

Good morrow, daughter, she reply'd, Young men are false and must be try'd.

She was no sooner gone, but in came Mrs. Susan, a young Sempstress from Salisbury, who entered wringing of her hands. How now, quoth she, what's the matter daughter, you take on at this rate? Alas! Mother Bunch, quoth Susan, my, my, my——. What's the matter? Why my sorrow is more than I am able to bear; for mother, dear Frank, the fiddler and I are fallen out and he swears he will not have me. Come, daughter, quoth she, be of good cheer, I'll put you in a way to see whether he is angry or no. She that's afraid of the grass must never piss in a meadow. One swallow never makes a summer, nor one woodcock a winter. Let your angry lover alone for a season, and he'll come to himself again; for I know fond love is a puny darling, and wants humouring; therefore let him alone, in time he'll forget his anger, and return to thee again, if he has any principle of good nature or loyal love in him, and if not, you had better be without him, than for your lifetime to be ty'd to a sour apple-tree. Remember the old proverb, Set thy stool in the sun, if a knave goes an honest man may come. I hope you have not play'd the wanton with him. No, mother, but he fain would have play'd a lesson on my lute the other market day only, but I had more grace than to let him. Say'st thou so, daughter? Why I tell thee, he did it to try thee, and since he finds that you withstood him, he will never leave you. Well, dear mother, she said, your words are comfortable to me, and when I find the good effects, I'll return and give you an account; and now mother, farewel.

Right happy daughter may you be, In guarding your virginity.

The next which entered the room was Margaret, the miller's maid, who after making a low curtsey and giving Mother Bunch the time of the day, desired to know for what reason she sent her a letter. Why quoth the old woman, to the end that I might reveal to you some secrets, that are both relative and conducive to love, which I have never yet discovered to the world. But mother, said Margaret, I am a meer stranger to love, for I never knew what it meant. That may be, quoth she, yet you know not how soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, and then you'll be glad of some of my advice; for I know the best of you desires to lie with a man; and I'll appeal to you if you would not be glad of a husband. Mother, quoth Margaret, you come too close to the matter, and if I may speak my mind, I'd willingly embrace such a one; for although housekeeping is chargeable, yet marriage is honourable. Thou say'st well daughter, quoth Mother Bunch, and if thou hast a mind to see the man, follow my directions and you shall not fail. Let me see, this is St. Luke's Day, which I have found by my long experience to be fitter for this purpose than St. Agnes's and the ingredients more excellent. Take Marygold flowers, a sprig of Marjoram, Thyme, and a little Wormwood; dry them before a fire, rub them to powder, then sift it thro' a fine piece of lawn; simmer these, with a small quantity of virgin honey, in white wine vinegar, over a slow fire; with this anoint your stomach, breast and lips, when lying down and repeat these words thrice:

St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me, In dreams let me my true love see.

This said, hasten to sleep, and in the soft slumbers of your nights repose, the very man whom you shall marry will appear before you, walking to and fro, near your bedside, very plain and visible to be seen. You shall perfectly behold his visage, stature and deportment and if he be one that will prove a loving husband, he will approach you with a smile; which if he does, do not seem to be overfond or peevish, but receive the same with a mild and modest blush. But if he be one, who after marriage will forsake thy bed to wander off after strange women, he will offer to be rude and uncivil with thee. These are rarities I have never before divulged, and will prove of advantage. I must thank you for all your love, quoth Margaret, and so farewel, good Mother Bunch. Good-bye, dear daughter, she immediately reply'd,

Let Joy and Pleasure crown your Days, And a kind Man your Fortune Raise.

Next came in Kate the clothworker's daughter, Doll the dairymaid, Joan, Bridget, Nancy, Phillis, etc. in all about forty together, who almost filled the room, each of them crying, Dear Mother Bunch, remember me, O mother, remember me, etc. that they made the old woman deaf with their great noise. My dear daughters, quoth the old woman, set you down and be quiet, and you shall partake of my benediction. Now daughters, I'll sit in the midst of you and read you a lecture; meaning to give you an account of some extraordinary curiosities here in my closet newly broke open; declaring that the things which are profitable for one maid are so for another.

First, if any one here desires to know the name of the man whom they shall marry, let her who desires this seek for a green peascod, in which there are full nine peas; which done either write or cause to be written on a small slip of paper these words:

Come in my dear and do not fear.

Which writing you must enclose within the aforesaid peascod, and lay it under the door. Then mind the next person who comes in, for you'll certainly marry one of the same name.

Secondly, she who desires to be satisfied whether she shall enjoy the man desired or no; Let her take two lemon peels in the morning, and wear them all day under her armpits; then at night let her rub the four posts of the bed with them; which done in your sleep he will seem to come and present you with a couple of lemons, but if not, there is no hope.

Thirdly, she who desires to know to what manner of fortune she shall be married, if a gentleman, a tradesman, or a traveller. The experiment is this, take a walnut, a hazlenut, and a nutmeg, grate them and mix them up with butter and sugar into pills, which must be taken at lying down, and then if her fortune be to marry a gentleman, her sleep will be filled with golden dreams, if a tradesman, odd noises and tumults, if a traveller, then will thunder and lightning disturb her.

Fourthly, St. Agnes's day I have not yet blotted out of my book; but I have found a more exact way of trial than before. You need not abstain from kisses, nor be forced to keep fast for the glance of a lover in the night. If you can but rise to be at the church-door between the hours of twelve and one in the morning; and then put the forefinger of your right hand into the keyhole, and then repeat the following words thrice,

O sweet St. Agnes now draw near, And with my true love strait appear.

Then will he presently approach with a smiling countenance.

Fifthly, my daughters, know ye the 14th of February is Valentine's day, at which time the fowls of the air begin to couple; and the young men and maids are for chusing their mates. Now that you may speed, take this approved direction: Take five Bay leaves, lay one under every corner of your pillow, and the fifth in the middle; then lying down to rest, repeat these lines seven times over:

Sweet Guardian Angel let me have What I most earnestly do crave A Valentine endow'd with love, That will both kind and constant prove.

Then to your content you'll either have the Valentine you desire, or one more excellent.